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Now that we've seen Javier, we'll back up to catch up with Lanie. She internalizes a lot in this one, but at least she reaches some answers with it, so buckle in. ;) And say hi to Beckett, who finally shows up! ^^ Anyway, go ahead.

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If Perlmutter heard anything different over the phone when Lanie called in to work that day, the other M.E. was kind enough not to say anything. Which suited Lanie just fine, because, if she were being completely honest with herself, she didn't know what to do, or where to go. Then again…if she were being completely honest with herself, she wouldn't have blamed Javier for their mutual indiscretion. They wouldn't have fought. She wouldn't have said those Godawful words. He wouldn't have left.

The first place she went was nowhere. Driving aimlessly around mid-Manhattan was as good a stall tactic as any. The second place was a drugstore. She bought a small bag of popcorn because she knew she hadn't eaten, and it ended up in the trash anyway. And she bought two ClearBlue pregnancy tests. She wasn't sure what she was doing on that one. Couldn't take them for two weeks. Right? Wasn't that the timeframe? You couldn't tell until two weeks after the deed?

Whatever. It was twenty-six dollars she'd wasted, nothing but a look from the cashier to show for it. What did it matter. She was probably using up that much cash twice over just in gas alone, just by driving around.

It was ironic, wasn't it? No, she didn't care whether it was or not, or what Castle might have called it: it was ironic. She knew that much. All of it, the whole relationship. It was just supposed to be about the hooking up. The whole time, just that, no strings, and definitely no feelings beyond working friendship. Then, as soon as they'd both gotten comfortable with it being more than that…it all fell apart. Because of hooking up. There was something seriously the hell wrong with that.

And the saddest thing was, that was the broken record that was playing in her head the whole time. In an awful, unintentional way, she'd set all of this up herself. She had been the one who asked him to meet her at her apartment. She had gone in with every intention of getting them both way beyond tipsy and having her way and no less with him. She hadn't told him about the prescription. And then she'd said yes, even when he'd stopped, telling her that he wasn't as prepared as she would've liked. She'd caused her own reason for panic. He'd tried to be a gentleman. She'd done this. And she didn't even know why she'd been so reckless in the first place. Now it'd ruined everything.

Bluntly, she'd jumped him, then she'd dumped him.

Wasn't there a word for that? Yeah. Sabotage. There was nothing fair about that, and it was her penance to pay.

Lanie hated herself. Not as a rule, but right now, most definitely. She hated that he got to make her feel this way. She hated herself for falling so far, so fast, or even for falling at all. She hated herself for hating herself, because she was stronger than this, damn it. Lanie Parish picked and chose the men she wanted, and she didn't need any one of them to get by. What exactly was she giving up, here, anyway? Yes; list. The list would help.

Well, might as well start with the obvious. There was the sex. But honestly. Was it really better with Javier than with so many other guys? …Well…yes. For a whole lot of reasons that she wasn't really sure she understood. With him… It was just different. There were things you couldn't explain, and that was one of them. And, looking back on her irrationality with a little hindsight…had that night really been worth it, even if it meant that she could be…? Yes. Lanie knew she wouldn't take it back, even if she could. Being with him was the one memory that stood out clearly from that fog, and if she were erasing things from the scorecard, the only thing she would erase would be her stupid panic in the morning.

But…it wasn't just that that she was giving up anymore. There were a million little things. A subtle wink and a smile from him when he accompanied the others down to the morgue. Lunch from her favorite restaurant that he'd order and bring to her when she had to work through. The rainy evening they'd spent kissing on his couch when she'd been too tired to go further, and the completely crappy movies they'd gotten kicked out of in Tribeca for throwing popcorn. Making sucker bets over Beckett and Castle and the next time Ryan embarrassed himself, and the way she felt when she woke up in his arms, even if they'd done nothing the night before but fall asleep.

Damn it.

All too easily, Lanie knew why she'd been so reckless. She knew why she'd wanted him that badly. With the hell of a week she'd had - the same one she'd gladly take back now - all she'd wanted was something that felt like…home.

And he was it.

He'd become her safe option. All those months that'd he'd first flirted with her, she had kept him at bay because he was a risk. Not only did he come with a bachelor's reputation, but his life was in danger on a daily basis. There was no security in investing herself in him. Anything could happen. Life could happen. But now…somehow, in the middle of everything, now he was her security. She'd fallen all the way in, all because he'd proven himself a man of his word; because she'd bought that her Javier would never leave her. Except Life could still happen, and take it all away. Something she'd allowed herself to forget.

In short, Lanie had broken the rules. Not just work rules, but her rules. She'd put her shot at happiness - everything she had - entirely in someone else's hands. Given up her hard-won independence, and to someone whose presence alone made her forget what was supposed to be important. Someone else had hold of the rug under her feet.

And that scared the hell out of her.

Look at her. She was no better than Beckett. She'd thrown away a great guy - maybe even the best guy - because she was too damn chicken to love him right. Now, she had her independence; she had all the control… She'd hurt him, she was damn miserable, and for all she knew, she could be on her way to single-motherhood. Was it worth it, Parish?

The answer was too damn obvious to say, even in her head. Suddenly, Lanie knew where she was going, and, driving or not, she dug a hand through her purse in the passenger seat, pulling out her cell phone, eyes on the road, for whatever it was worth.

'You've reached Detective Kate Beckett. Leave a message with your information and I'll get back to you as quickly as I can. Thanks.'

"…Hey girl."

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Kate Beckett had stepped out of the shower to find her cell phone flashing: '1 missed call.' As soon as she listened to the voicemail, she was instantly glad that she'd been ordered the day off. Right away, she retrieved the number from her speed-dial and called her best friend back.

"Hey. You okay? …No, absolutely. Come on over. …Okay."

Twenty minutes later, though, nothing was much clearer. When Lanie had pressed the buzzer on her door, Kate hadn't wasted any time ushering her inside, steering her to the couch, or pushing a half-pint of Ben & Jerry's into the M.E.'s hands. She had turned off her cell, too, and sat down on the opposite cushion, staring with the intent concern that only a best friend could possibly understand. But Lanie was only talking in bits and pieces, and there was only so much Kate - even Kate - could do with that.

Beckett shook her head, not entirely sure what she was hearing here. "Wait, wait. He what?"

Gragh. He didn't. Why was that everybody's first conclusion? "It was my idea, okay?" Lanie clarified, a little exasperated. "I was the guilty party here, the instigator; it was my brilliant plan to go Singin' In The Rain without an Umbrella. Is that better?"

"Okay," Kate reasoned, the word sounding roughly the same as 'ew' would have. "God. So…then, you…he just left?"

Lanie glanced down at the untouched chocolate soup in her hands, dropping her voice a little. "I told him to."

A true form of sympathy only she knew how to harness fell over Kate's face. "Oh…Lanie…"

"Yeah…I know." And here you are comfortin' me about it when I'm the one whose fault it is. I screwed up. I really screwed up.

Beckett was sure to tread extra carefully, here. "So… Do you think… Is…there a chance…you could be…?"

"…I don't know" was the only answer she had there to give. Looking away, Lanie desperately wished for some miracle to tell her different. And if not, then going backward a day would be nice.

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"Hey Beckett?"

It was the following day, and Castle had just left her a message while she was in the box. Something about 'not being able to come in this morning' because 'a friend could use a hand at the moment.' And it was 'someone you know.' For a mystery writer, Castle sure wasn't subtle; the pieces were pretty easy for Kate to put together. Especially seeing as Esposito was listed as being on sick leave for the day. Then again; maybe Castle hadn't been trying to be covert. Maybe he'd just been trying to be discreet, for all their sakes. It was something to think about.

Either way, Kate turned around to see Ryan standing ahead of her, wearing a fresh suit for the day and a more serious expression than she knew he was capable of in casual company. Well it was a good thing, then, because she wanted to talk to him, too. "Yeah?"

"Breakroom, okay?" With a tilt of his head, Ryan was around the corner, through the doorway in question.

Odd. It hadn't sounded like a question. Not that he had to ask her, but, with Ryan, everything usually was a question. Not that it mattered. Sliding her chair under the desk, Kate put her computer to sleep and walked into the breakroom, coming to a stop near the coffee machine, her arms folded.

Before she had a chance to speak, Ryan did. "You've heard, right?"

Beckett exhaled. Nobody wasted any time around here, did they. "…Yeah. I've heard."

The Irishman gave a nod, looking down and away. That was their moment of mutual understanding, and then it was gone. Ryan was too concerned with a resolution to make it last. He looked right back up, making his determination clear. "You talk to Lanie yet?"

No, I found out from the surveillance team I've had spying through her window, Beckett wanted to scoff. Instead, she answered, "Of course I've talked to Lanie."

"So, what are we going to do?"

We? What was this? "We? Are going to do nothing. This is up to them; it's their business whether they want to fix it or not. Us getting involved isn't going to help anyone."

"We can't just not do anything, Beckett." Ryan lowered his voice a few clicks, holding her stare. "She completely hung Espo out to dry. Now I don't know if she has a good reason or not, but I'm betting you really don't want me to go down to the morgue and find out right now."

"You obviously have no idea what the circumstances are here, do you Ryan?" God, this was already getting old. She got that Ryan and Esposito backed each other up no matter what, but Lanie didn't deserve anyone's blame in this, either. It wouldn't help anything.

"Obviously not," Ryan snipped. "All I seem to know is that I had to pull Javi off a barstool last night to make sure he didn't walk into a parking meter. I'm not exactly in Camp Lanie at the moment, so, yeah, details would be good."

Kate snapped, and then it was out there. "She could be pregnant, Ryan."

The other detective's eyes widened to twice their size. "And she didn't tell him?"

"What makes you think he doesn't know?" Beckett gaped, unwilling to toss the possibility.

Ryan seemed just as shocked she was considering it. "I know Esposito. If he knew, he would never bail. I can't believe you of all people would even think he'd do somethin' like that."

Beckett let out a frustrated sigh, trying to get things back in order, here. "I don't, okay?" She rubbed a hand across her forehead, working up a good way to say what she wanted to. "I don't. I like them together too, and if I could've picked anyone for Lanie, the fact is that he probably wouldnt've been better than Esposito. But the fact is, right now, Lanie needs to figure this out, and she obviously wants to do it with a clear head. Alone. So, we need to respect her space."

"So she did!" Ryan concluded.

Are we even having the same conversation? "Did what?"

"She kicked him out!"

"It was her apartment!"

Ryan didn't just roll his eyes; he rolled his entire head back. "You know what I mean, Beckett - it was Lanie who did the breaking-up-with."

"Is that what he told you?" Beckett demanded. "It's not that black-and-white!" She didn't want to seem biased, she really didn't, but she couldn't help being just a little more protective of Lanie. After all, Lanie was the one who wouldn't know for two more weeks whether she was carrying anything or not. The last thing she wanted to do was turn on Esposito, and she wasn't; she was just…she was stuck in a bad place, here.

"He hasn't told me anything," Ryan emphasized, "other than the relationship's gone to crap and how beautiful she was and half a dozen other drunk-guy classics that usually come from a recent unwilling dump-ee. So yeah," he added, taking a sarcastic turn, "I've been putting all this together using my vast expertise as a dentist."

Oh, for the love of God. "Ryan…"

"Hey, I'm just saying I get it. Okay?"

"I know." Beckett sank her back against the countertop, burying her face in both hands for a moment before shoving them both backward through her hair. What was going on here? While she attempted to figure that out, exactly, she let a quiet fall over the room. Finally, she cast a look over at Ryan. "…Maybe this is why people who work together shouldn't date."

He just looked puzzled now; puzzled and tired. "What do you mean?"

"Well, look at us." Beckett gestured around at them. "We're fighting and we're not even the ones with the relationship."

"Yeah, thank God for that," Ryan mumbled under his breath. His default setting was always 'lighten the mood,' even if he was the only one listening.

"What was that?"

"I hear that." Ryan coughed into his elbow, Beckett took it at face-value with a nod, and then it got quiet again. The next time Ryan spoke, he seemed to have let a lot of things sink in, and he looked and sounded a lot more…sheepish. The innocent sibling, looking for hope. "…But...Lanie and Espo are different, right?"

Kate looked at her detective then. And…realistic a person as she was, she couldn't bring herself not to tell the truth. "...Yeah."

"...I don't like this, Beckett."

"...Yeah. Neither do I."

They had something in common that moment, besides just being the Best Friend to opposite sides of one wayward couple. But unfortunately, that was just the way it was going to be.

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I wasn't sure if Beckett and Ryan would take sides and argue over this, or find common ground about it, so I had them do both. I love the sibling-ness of their relationship. ^^ Poor Beckett; Lanie's her best friend but Javi's like a brother to her, so she's really stuck in a crappy place here…I think she does okay with it.

Points if any of you caught the Glee reference when Lanie was talking to Beckett. Why yes, yes I did - I had to lighten the mood, okay? XD

As always, anyone ages 14 and over who are interested in a written Castle RPG, check the bold paragraph in my profile. And hey you! All you readers! PLEASE review. I would seriously love that. It's nice to know what you're thinking, if you're taking the time and interest to follow me on this. Which I thank you greatly for doing. ^_^

The next chapter should sum everything up, so get ready. I promise not to disappoint. ;)

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