Author's Note: I'm thrilled you guys like this story so much :) I'll be doing my best to keep it as realistic as possible! And sorry for the short wait, had a few term papers due. Had to write those before I could update :)
Living the Lie:
December 5,
1974.
At times he had to wonder just how long two people could go without really speaking to each other. Sure, there was the occasional small talk that miraculously morphed into absolutely nothing. He supposed he should have seen that coming. First he'd cracked a joke a little over two weeks ago about her being an other. And he might have told her that her childhood may have sucked, not that he'd meant it in that sense, but she normally didn't stay mad for this long.
He wondered if it had something to do with the fact she'd finally let him in on something about her personally. There were now several small facts he knew about her past. Her parents were divorced and she had a sister named Rachel who made them peanut butter and banana sandwiches when they were young. Something sad had lit into her eyes when she'd mentioned her sister and for two weeks he'd been wondering what about her sister could make her sad.
Making sure to flip the pages of the book every few minutes as he thought wasn't as difficult as he'd thought it would be while he was thinking. So he kept sitting on the couch, kept thinking, kept flipping the pages to make him look less absorbed in his thoughts. The object of said thoughts was currently two seat cushions down reading as well, after all.
"Are you alright?"
Sawyer felt himself pulled from his thoughts and looked over at Juliet who was studying him with a strange look of worry mixed with curiosity. "Whatcha' talkin' about?"
Her brows furrowed in response. She sighed and marked her page before snapping the book shut and placing it down on the table. "You've been turning pages every three minutes, exactly three minutes," she pointed out. "You're staring at the pages, your eyes aren't even skimming," she explained. "So what's worrying you?"
That sure as hell wasn't the usual small talk from the passed two weeks. "Ya' know, Horace said you were upset before I pissed you off," he stated, closing his book as well. There was no point in marking the page. He didn't even remember what the last part was that he'd read at this point. "What was bothering you a few weeks ago?"
Juliet sat there in silence as she tried to figure out what to say to him. What could she say? Apparently Horace had given her away. Now she wondered exactly how much Horace had told him.
"You told H that you didn't really have a job on the ship, that you were just with somebody," he pointed out. He'd been holding that in for two weeks. It was time to throw it out there and hope the blonde would simply concede to the point that he knew something was up and open up to him. Fat chance, but he could hope. "Is it really that hard for you to talk to people?"
Her eyes narrowed automatically in response. "Don't sit there judging me, James," she warned him. "You won't get any closer to figuring me out doing that then you would have locked in that cage," she stated and stood up.
Sawyer stood as she went to walk away and grabbed her hand. "Then why don't ya' just tell me something, anything," he stated. "Then I wouldn't have to sit here and guess what yer' thinkin' all the damned time." He watched as she turned and looked him straight in the eyes, watched as she tried to form something in her mind to respond to him with. He wondered briefly if she was wondering if she should tell him. A minute longer of staring and she threw that thought back in his face.
"The answer to your last question," Juliet stated, pulling her hand from his. "Is yes."
"Yes?" Sawyer asked out of pure confusion. Hadn't he asked her what was bothering her? He frowned slightly, trying to figure her out.
Juliet stared at him and shook her head. "Yes, as in.. yes it really is that hard for me to talk to people," she informed him before turning once more, grabbing her book from the table, and going down the hall to her room.
Sawyer could have smacked himself in the head for that one. He wasn't getting any better at getting her to open up. And he definitely wasn't getting anymore tactful in his attempts. "Sonuvabitch.." he muttered, falling back onto the couch with a groan.
December 6,
1974.
2:37am.
Sawyer nearly fell out of bed. He almost wasn't certain at first what had woken him up, but he'd been almost positive he'd heard a shriek. Almost positive. He got out of the bed slowly, clad in boxers and a t-shirt. He quietly made his way out of his bedroom and only paused when he heard it. Or heard her, rather. He stopped just outside of her door, not sure what exactly he was hearing, but it sounded like a war-zone. He gently pushed her door open and froze at what he saw.
There she was. Flailing underneath her covers as her blankets and sheets half hung off the bed in defeat. He wondered if he should do something. Wondered if he went over to her and tried to help if she would retreat even further into herself. He didn't take another minute to think that over as he heard something he could only describe as a whimper come from her. He was taking a seat on the edge of the bed immediately. "Juliet.." he said softly, reaching his hand out to her.
He frowned as she swatted his hand away and he suddenly got the feeling this had been a really bad idea. She was going to be pissed at him if she woke up and he was here. "C'mon, wake up Juliet," he told her again, placing his hand on her shoulders and shaking her lightly. Once again he nearly found himself toppling off the bed, this time her bed, as she sat up almost instantly. He got a good look at her face and saw blue eyes ready to burst as her breathing came out in an erratic display.
"Hey.. relax," he said, surprised by the gentleness in his own voice. He wasn't sure he even recognized the tone. Then again, he'd never seen Juliet show any outward signs of this much distress before either. "Was just a nightma--" he broke the statement off immediately when the blonde simply wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head into the crook of his neck. He was shocked into silence as he sat there, feeling her body shiver against his. She was downright in fear and he had no idea why. He hesitated for a moment before he wrapped his arms around her in return.
"Juliet.." he tried once more. He opened his mouth to say something else but snapped it close when he heard her finally speak. He wasn't too sure what she said. "What?" he asked immediately, hoping it wouldn't come out muffled this time. Hoping she'd at least repeat her self.
"I want to go home.." came her voice, riddled with urgency, pain, fear. "I want to go home, James.." she whispered a third time. "I hate this island.. I hate this life.." she blabbed out.
Sawyer stared down at her in silence.
"I've been trying to get off of this island for more than three years.."
And as quickly as her outburst came it was gone. And there was nothing but the shivers left in her wake. He realized quickly she was asleep again and he wondered if she would even recall waking up like that. He waited it out another minute before he laid her back into the bed and tucked the covers over her. As quietly as he could, he shut the door to her room a moment later before going back to his own room. What the hell kind of nightmare had she been having and.. how often did she have them?
After a little while he found himself into a troubled sleep, thinking he should have said something else. Should have told her he'd get her home. But he didn't want to make promises he probably couldn't keep. He knew he wouldn't bring this up unless she did. He also knew she wouldn't. They both needed to work on their social skills. He was just now realizing how bad they sucked.
December 14,
1974.
The laughter coming from his and Juliet's house caused himself and Miles to pause and glance at each other. They both narrowed their eyes before he decided to open the door and head inside to see what was going on. And both of them stared in shock as Jin and Juliet sat on the floor covered in white powder. They were both pretty sure it was flour.
Sawyer was almost positive he'd never heard Juliet laugh so freely before. He had to admit it was almost intoxicating because it was causing him to grin even more than the scene before him was. "What the hell are you two doin'?"
"Baking.. cake," Jin stated, holding out the bowl in his hands.
Juliet bit down on her lower lip and tried not to laugh. She failed. She wound up laughing even harder at Jin's look of complete innocence. "I uh.. I was trying to teach him how," she muttered between her laughter. "But, he slipped.."
Miles broke out into a shit-eating grin at that comment. "This has gotta be the most retarded thing I've ever seen two grown people doing.."
Juliet smirked in response. "You're just mad that I'm showing Jin and not you, lover-boy," she stated with a wink.
Sawyer snorted out a laugh immediately at Miles' flushed look.
"Now somebody help my ass up," Juliet muttered. She shot Jin a side-look and smiled when he nodded a response just slightly enough that the other two men coming closer hadn't noticed it.
When the two men came over and held their hands out, her and Jin took the bowl at the same time and threw the flour up into their faces. Both of them immediately started laughing at the looks of shock that crossed Sawyer's and Miles' faces.
"You look.. like ghost, yes?" Jin asked with a grin.
Juliet laughed immediately in response. She hadn't thought that baking a cake would be this remedial for Jin. She'd slowly been attempting to teach him more English and he definitely seemed to be getting the hang of it recently. She figured she'd try something new to keep his mind off of Sun. It had been an alright idea, but it had turned out to be a great one once Jin had slipped and knocked them both over, covering them in flour.
Now it got even better since they'd managed to get Sawyer and Miles as well.
"I say we throw her in the ocean," Miles volunteered, grinning mischievously at Sawyer.
Juliet's eyes widened slightly. "You wouldn't dare.." she growled out in warning, scrambling to her feet to run when Sawyer hoisted her up and tossed her over his shoulder. "James!" she shrieked out in a voice she'd never used before. "Don't even think about it!"
"I get door!" Jin called out, racing to open the door for Sawyer.
"Jin!" she yelled instantly. "You're supposed to be on my side!" she groaned as she slapped Sawyer's back lightly. "Put my down you big lug!"
Sawyer grinned and let his eyes travel to her rear momentarily. He arched an eyebrow up slightly and managed to resist the urge to do something that really would piss her off. All action froze as Jin opened the door and Horace stood there poised to knock. Now the man was staring in at all of them with a look of serious amusement.
"You four are probably the most interesting and entertaining bunch of people I've ever laid eyes on," Horace stated as a grin lit up his features. "I'm not sure I should even ask, what with all that laughing I heard."
Sawyer chuckled and allowed Juliet to slide back down onto her feet as he looked at Horace. He was sure they all looked pretty stupid with flour covered faces. Now that he took a good look at Juliet, he noticed for the first time she had one clear spot over one eye in the shape of a hand. It took all he could not to laugh, but after a moment he couldn't hold it in. "She started it, boss," he pointed out childishly.
Juliet smirked as her hands went to her hips. She tried her best to wipe her face off before she looked back up at Horace. "So.. what can we do for you?" she questioned with a smile. "You can come in, I promise we won't attack," she added with a grin.
Horace let out a laugh in response as he stepped inside the war-zone. He glanced around and chuckled at the flour all over the kitchen floor. "Well, I'm sure you all know Christmas is in less than two weeks," he pointed out. "Every year we have a big party in the rec-center on Christmas Eve, goes right into Christmas day," he told them. "Since we've welcomed you into Dharma, you're practically family," he assured them. "So we'd love for all of you to come as well."
She glanced at the three men and noticed them shuffling their feet with uncertainty. It surprised her that Sawyer wasn't the first one to go living up his con by accepting the invitation. She supposed that somehow an 'Island Christmas' wasn't something any of them anticipated on being around for in the 70's. Fortunately for them, she was getting fairly used to them. "Of course we'd love to come," she proclaimed for all of them in their silence.
She noticed they all had slight looks of relief that she'd taken point on that one. She gave Horace a smile that simply beamed of serenity that she wasn't truly feeling. She also watched as the three men she was slowly coming to see as friends gave way from their surprise and nodded as well.
"Wonderful!" Horace explained with a clap of his hands. "You could also consider as a sort of.. welcome to the Dharma Initiative party as well," he told them with a smile. "I'll let you four get back to.. whatever it was you were doing," he stated with a grin before letting himself out and shutting the door.
Silence ensued after Horace's exit for over a minute as they all looked around at each other.
"Nice save," Miles piped in suddenly, glancing at Juliet. He envied her ability to hide her surprise in that moment because none of the rest of them had managed to do so.
Juliet turned to reply when she noticed Sawyer was missing. She arched an eyebrow up slightly and turned back towards the door. "Where did--" a tap on her shoulder cut her off and she turned. She stood in relative shock when something sticky squirted her right in the face. She stared at Sawyer holding chocolate syrup with her mouth open slightly.
Miles and Jin were both shocked and amused at the same time, neither one knowing exactly what they should do in response to what they saw him do. At first they thought she looked like she was about to erupt like a volcano, but suddenly a smile broke out onto her face and instead she just started laughing.
"Payback's a bitch," she conceded with a grin as she licked chocolate from her lower lip.
Sawyer laughed immediately and grinned. "Damn straight, Betty Crocker. Now show us inbred men how to bake a cake."
Juliet released a chuckle, wiped some syrup off her with the palm of her hand and tapped him on the cheek playfully. "Sure thing, I'll make you my little proteges."
December 19,
1974.
4:28am.
He heard it again early this morning. The trashing around as blankets were once again being strewn around her bed. He laid there this time, trying to determine a way that he should bring this up to her. There was no chance in hell it could be healthy to have so many nightmares. But she seemed to have them most nights. He was pretty sure they were getting worse, especially now, when he heard footsteps making a quick race just a few steps down the hall.
The sounds of her wretching were enough for him to throw his own covers off and head towards the bathroom. He glanced in at her with her head over the toilet as she emptied whatever contents remained in her stomach from the night before. He stayed silent as she finished, as she sat there with her head in her hands for a few moments and it was only then that he spoke. "What the hell haunts you that much?" he questioned.
He felt bad. Because she toppled over from her kneeling position and landed flat on her ass on the linoleum as she looked over at him with sheer embarrassment. He shouldn't feel bad, he doesn't actually even like her, does he? That's a lie. Living together for three months gave him a new appreciation for her. She was as haunted by her own life as he was by his. Except he was long passed the stages of nightmares. They were only an occasional occurrence these days.
Finally he found himself squatting down in front of her on the bathroom floor as her knees were drawn up to her chest and her hands were covering her face as she tried to control her emotional state. He knew exactly what she was doing. It was the same thing he'd done for years after his the deaths of his parents. She was trying to deal with whatever plagued her mind on her own, or rather, simply not deal with it at all.
"Why are you awake?" her voice finally managed out in an even and practiced tone of normality. She wasn't really mad at him particularly. She was mad at herself for getting caught in this position. Mad at herself, at Jack, at Ben, at the world. But not him. He hadn't done anything wrong. Not yet anyways. Though she didn't doubt he'd say something he didn't quite mean and unintentionally offend her. He was pretty good at doing things he didn't mean to do. She would know. She was getting fairly good at it as well.
Sawyer arched an eyebrow up at her in response. "Well, if we made a recordin' of you every damned night, pretty sure you'd know why I'm up," he assured her.
Her hands revealed her face immediately as her eyes locked with his. He was kidding, wasn't he? "It's none of your business, James," she told him cautiously, moving to stand when his hands came down and rested on her shoulders, keeping her seated in place on the floor. "What are you doing?"
"Why don't ya just let somebody help ya?" he questioned now, staring at her intently. He hoped that maybe this was his chance to get in there. Right after a nightmare, when the emotions were still raw and the walls might have a chip in them. But chipped or not, he saw the defiance in her eyes. Those walls might have been chipped, but it was gonna take a hell of a lot more than that before she told him shit.
"Do you know how many people I've killed, James?" she asked suddenly, blue eyes studying him to ascertain what he might be thinking about her question. She didn't give him time to respond. "Because I don't," she stated, staring down at her hands with a look of distaste. "I didn't want to keep count, I don't want to know.." she told him. "I want to forget, because I never would have done that if I'd never come to this god-damned island spawned from Hell."
Sawyer was silent in response. He hadn't expected her to say anything. Hadn't expected even a glimpse of what might have been wrong but she'd just told him the epitome of her insanity. He sat down with his back to the wall and for a while neither of them moved. He wasn't even sure how long he sat there, him staring at nothing while she stared at her own blood-stained hands that only she could see.
The silence was broken. "I want to blame somebody else, blame Richard for recruiting me here, blame Ben for keeping me here, blame Jack for leaving me here," she muttered, her back against the back of the bathtub. "But I can't."
Sawyer finally raised his eyes to look at her, but her eyes hadn't moved from their target. She was looking at her hands with more hate than one person should have for anyone let alone themselves.
"I can't because in the end no one forced my hand, there was no gun to my head with someone who was going to pull the trigger if I didn't pull mine," she told him. "I think the thought of going home was the emotional gun to my head, but that's all that it was.." she muttered, shaking her head. "I'm the only one I can blame for my own actions."
Sawyer wished he could own up to what he did as she was doing. He found it easier to blame everyone else except for himself. You didn't feel as guilty if you weren't the only one to blame. And although she had a point in her words, he couldn't bring himself to believe that everything she'd done was her fault and her fault only. She was right, in a sense, in what she didn't believe was a factor. Had she never been brought here and forced to stay, she never would have killed a single person. Well, he hoped anyways. He didn't really know her at all. He knew two vague things about her off-island life. Maybe he should have said something, but his voice wasn't connecting with his mindset.
"Nobody can help me, James," she assured him as she got to her feet and left the bathroom.
The next thing he heard was the sound of her bedroom door clicking closed. He sighed and laid his head against the wall and stayed there a few moments longer. He should have said something. He'd just been too surprised that she was talking to have the balls to stop her. But maybe those walls around her weren't as high as she pretended they were. Either way, he really, definitely should have said something.
December 24,
1974.
9:30pm.
Dharma Christmas Party.
"Jerry say, Juliet has nice shake, when she.. dance," Jin told Miles as she handed the other man a beer he'd gone to fetch for them. "What does.. nice shake, mean?"
Miles snorted immediately. "That's no shake," he assured the Korean. "That's an unhappy meal," he stated, pointing out Juliet's semi-distracted facade for the passed five days. Both men studied the blonde who was mingling alone at the moment, waving off dance offers. Miles had to admit she looked pretty good in a dress. Then again, a few months ago he'd been so used to her wearing that blue button up shirt or the dirty tank top that anything clean made her look a lot more attractive. But the dress brought out the curves.
He rolled his eyes and drew a breath. So she was hot. She was a bitch too, not that he cared about that either. She was pretty interesting as a person, he gave her that. And she gave as good as insults as she got. He guessed that was probably why he grew to like her. That and their constant bickering through the form of jokes made her a hell of a lot more fun than he would have thought.
"Juliet is.. not happy?" Jin questioned. He hadn't been too sure of Juliet for a while because of Sun. But, the lessons in English were nice. He supposed he finally had been willing to admit his wife had been wrong about Juliet the day they had the cake-baking incident where he'd knocked them both over and covered them in flour. It had made him realize, that after their attack on Sawyer and Miles, there were worse people he could have gotten stuck time-traveling with. Besides the crazy French people.
"Lover's quarrel," Miles assured him. "Jim and her haven't talked in five days, guarantee he offended her again."
Jin tried to concentrate on that sentence. "You love?"
Miles rolled his eyes. "I forgot about your language barrier," he admitted with a shake. "Not me, Jim," he stated.
Jin looked even more confused. "James love.. Juliet?"
"No!" Miles stated. "It's just a saying, meaning they had a fight.." he stated with another classic eye-roll. "They're always fighting, nothing new."
Jin shrugged. "Oh." He wasn't entirely sure he understood at all. Best to just pretend.
Miles chuckled. "We'll make you fluent in man-speak in no time, my man."
December 25,
1974.
12:00am.
Juliet stood in silence as she closed her eyes and kept her back against the wall. She'd done the necessary chit-chatting for a while. Sat with Amy for a while longer. It was nearing midnight, nearly Christmas day. She could mark off yet another Christmas she spent on the island. Seemed strange. She'd been marking Island Christmases off on a calender in the 21st century. Now she was going to have to start marking them off in the 20th century.
She heard a clock chime. And a moment later she heard something else and she opened her eyes to see a wrapped box being shaken in front of her face. She narrowed her eyes slightly before she looked at the person offering the present. She was a bit more surprised at who it was. How the hell did he even get a damned present? "What's that?"
"Christmas present," came the instant reply.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," she retorted with a roll of her eyes. "Who is it for?"
Sawyer arched an eyebrow up now. He waved a present in her face and she didn't know it was for her? He tried to see if she was kidding but from what he could see, she didn't appear to be. "You, wise-ass."
Juliet stiffened slightly in response as her eyes went from his face to the present still in front of her face. He'd gotten her a present? She didn't take it. Instead she stared at it with uncertainty. "You got me a present," it came out as a fact rather then a question.
"So it would seem," Sawyer replied, watching her carefully. He could see the hesitation as she tried to figure out what to do or say. Obviously taking the gift wasn't on her immediate to-do list. So he lowered it down so he could stop looking like a complete fool. "You gonna take it?"
Juliet glanced from the gift to him once more. "What's the catch?" she asked him.
"No catch," he assured her, forcing himself not to roll his eyes.
Juliet chewed on the inside of her lip as he held it out to her again. He probably put something completely stupid in there just to play a prank. She was probably going to get pissed, she'd say something to piss him off in return, and they wouldn't talk for yet another week. She gave in though, reaching her hands out and taking the neatly wrapped gift into her hands. She turned it about in her fingers, inspecting it. "Why?" she asked suddenly, looking back up at him.
Sawyer frowned in response. "Just open it." He should have known she'd be suspicious about him giving her a present for Christmas. Hell, he'd be suspicious of him too if he were any other person who knew him.
Juliet hesitated for a brief moment before she let her fingers curl under one edge and she peeled the paper off. She placed the wrapping paper on the table and glanced at the plain white box with the Dharma symbol on the top and she barely managed not to just throw the box back at him and run for the hills before she became the butt of another practical joke. Instead she lifted the top of the box off and peeked inside suspiciously; cautiously.
In another second she pulled the object out, placing the box onto the table and staring down at it's contents in her hands. Her eyes softened almost immediately as she ran her fingertips over it carefully. She took a deep breath and glanced back up at him. "A dream catcher.." she said wistfully. Her eyes locked with his for a moment before they drifted back down and she found herself staring at the object in her hands. It was probably the first thing anybody had ever given her that had any real meaning behind it. That had any real thought to it. And it would figure that it came from the person who liked her the least.
"You okay?" Sawyer questioned, suddenly more unsure of the gift then he already had been. It had taken him more then a little courage to ask Amy if there was a chance to get one. She had said something about Paul having one in a box somewhere and that she would dig it out for him. Said she'd have no use for it, and that it was probably time to start letting Paul go. He knew she wasn't fully ready. But he guessed letting go of one of his possessions had been a pretty good start.
"Why?" she asked again, her voice filled with uncertainty. She was positive that her eyes shown the same uncertainty as the tone of her voice held, but she had no qualms with that at the moment. She simply didn't understand him. "After everything I did to you, to everyone, why do you even care?" and even if he had an answer, she was pretty sure she still wouldn't understand.
Sawyer shrugged a little in response. "We all do shit we regret," he told her. "I'm learnin' you gotta forgive and forget," he assured her. "And if nobody can help you, maybe somethin' can."
Juliet was silent now as she dropped her eyes again to the delicate dream catcher in her hands. "Forgive.. yes.." she replied softly. "But I'm not sure any of us ever truly forget, James.." she replied, feeling like her voice might waver. "The sad thing is.. this is probably the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."
He hid his surprise. "Whatcha' mean?" he dared to ask.
"I mean.. the best gift I ever got just came from a man who practically despises my very being," she pointed out. "That really doesn't say much for me.." she only half-joked. It took a moment for her to realize how completely rude she was being now. "I'm sorry.." she apologized immediately. "It's just.. I mean.." she sighed, blowing out a breath of frustration. "Thank you."
"Chin-up, sunshine," Sawyer stated playfully. "Yer' welcome.. and you're forgiven," he stated. "For ever'thing."
Juliet watched in a stunned silence as he walked away from her. Forgive and forget.. was it really as easy as he'd just made it out to be?
()()TBC()()
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I tried to make it extra nice for you guys. :)