Let's make it simple. I really love writing this story.
Living the Lie:
January 1,
1975.
Sawyer had to admit. In the five days since Christmas he hadn't heard a peep from Juliet in the middle of the night. He wasn't sure if he should chalk that up to the dream catcher or if maybe she was managing to be quieter somehow. He hoped it was the former but he seriously doubted the little trinket had any real special ability to subdue her nightmares. He still wondered what they were all about. And she still managed to avoid the topic of it.
Though he had noticed her attitude toward him had drastically changed after Christmas. They hadn't fought yet anyways. That was probably a plus. Surprising as well, considering he was pretty sure he'd made some inconsiderate remarks towards her a few times without meaning to. The problem was, you didn't know what would or wouldn't offend someone when you didn't know anything about them. Only one thing became obvious after their second month here. Talking about their parents was a topic that was off-limits. Neither one had dared bring it up again.
He found himself chuckling. Watching a tanked Juliet and Miles playing a drinking game. He and Jin simply watched and laughed at the two. Truthfully, he'd expected to be the one tanked in place of Juliet. For one of the first times he knew why people thought it was fun to watch the drunks. They were currently trying to flip coins across the table into the other person's cup. If they got it in, the other one had to drink.
But Juliet had long given up trying to make it in. Unlike Miles who had his tongue out and one eye squeezed shut in a desperate attempt at concentration. And just as he was about to flip his coin across the table, he felt something hit him smack dab in the forehead. "What the hell.." he muttered as he watched Juliet snicker.
Sawyer arched an eyebrow. Juliet had just flipped her coin and nailed Miles straight in the forehead. Jin was cracking up beside him. But Sawyer sat there wondering how drunk she really was. She couldn't flip her coin into the damned cup, but she could nail Miles in the forehead? He almost opened his mouth to call her on it but he realized what she was doing. She was trying to get tanked. She wanted Miles to make it in because she wanted to drink.
Too bad Miles sucked at the game sober. Now that he was completely trashed he'd only gotten worse. Sawyer had to chuckle at her measly attempt to let him win. Ten rounds of flipping had passed with no one taking a drink. Finally he snatched the coin from the other man. "Alright sharpshooter, yer' flagged," he muttered. He watched Miles cuss and walk away for a beer from the fridge before winking at Juliet who gave him an appreciative smile.
Immediately he flipped the coin, straight into her cup.
Juliet eyed it for a moment as she gingerly picked the coin out with her fingertips and downed the cup. She flicked it back while in mid chug and supplied him with his own reason to start getting drunk.
"Ah.. so your secret powers come to light!" Sawyer stated with a chuckle. He pulled the coin out and chugged his as well, and watched as Jin refilled the two cups. "I'd suggest teams, but whoever gets Miles is screwed.."
"I heard that!" came Miles grumbled reply as he walked back into the room and handed a open bottle of whiskey to Jin. "You gotta catch up, Jin my man!"
Juliet bit down on her lip to hide her chuckle as Jin took a swig and nearly gagged. "This is the weirdest New Years ever.." she muttered as Sawyer flipped the coin into her cup once more. "Want to see a trick?" she questioned with a daring look in her eyes.
Sawyer arched both brows up in response. "Do it."
Juliet chugged the drink without taking the coin out. A minute later she spat the coin flying across the table and straight into his cup.
Sawyer stared at it distastefully for a moment. "That's disgustin'.." he stated, though he was slightly envious. That was one thing he couldn't do in a drinking game. "Where the hell did you learn to do that?"
"I think it was hot," Miles assured her as he took a swig of whiskey and handed it back to Jin.
All three looked at him.
Juliet smirked before glancing back at Sawyer. "My sister," she told him. It was the first time since their second month here that she'd brought up something from her own personal life. "Truthfully I wasn't sure I could still do it, haven't tried since college."
Sawyer let out a laugh in response. "Shoulda' known you were a party girl in college," he muttered as he chugged the drink. He realized after a moment he didn't take the coin out. He was pretty sure he might have just swallowed it.
Juliet stared at him momentarily. She thought he was gonna try and spit it across the table like she did. After a moment she felt a laugh protrude from her lips when she realized he'd forgotten and swallowed it instead. "Well, guess this games over," she stated. She grabbed the whiskey bottle from Jin mid-pass to Miles.
"Hey!" Miles growled out in frustration.
Sawyer watched in shock as she took a long swig and hardly made a face about the taste. "Jesus, you got some alcohol tolerance, don't ya'?" he questioned.
Juliet smiled and took a second swig before handing it to Miles' waiting hand. "You have no idea," she stated with a shrug. "If the idea of being a boozer on an island in the middle of nowhere didn't have its downsides, I would have become an alcoholic years ago."
Sawyer felt himself laugh in response as the bottle was passed to him and he took a swig. He almost wanted to gag. Almost. But he stopped himself. That would just look bad if she could take it with no reaction, but it had been a while since he'd drank whiskey from the bottle. "Well, happy freakin' new year," he muttered and took a swig. "Least we ain't in diapers no more."
Miles narrowed his eyes slightly. "Speak for yourself!"
Juliet had just taken a sip of a beer and spit it out almost immediately as she released a laugh. "You're still in diapers?" she asked him.
"I'm only gettin' close to seven here and yer' in damned diapers.." he muttered with a shake of his head.
"Diapers?" Miles questioned. "Haven't even hit that stage yet," he admitted. "I'm in the womb!"
Juliet let her jaw drop.
Jin choked on a pretzel.
Sawyer smacked him on the back until it went down right.
"And to think.." Juliet muttered. "I'm only about getting to five.. but somehow I now feel really old."
Sawyer had to laugh at that one.
Two hours later..
Jin had long since dragged Miles home.
Sawyer sat on the floor of their living room with Juliet shoulder to shoulder beside him. He wasn't sure how he talked her into 'I never'. But he did. Unfortunately he had to admit he was pretty plastered, and their 'never' statements had yet to yield any real results just yet about anything vaguely interesting. He went for the same tactic he tried on Kate. "I never.. been married."
Juliet hesitated momentarily, nearly sobering at the moment. She locked eyes with him beside her before she took a swig from the rum bottle. Mixing liquors was such a horrible idea. They were going to hate themselves in the morning. Or afternoon at the rate they kept going. It was already 4am.
Sawyer arched an eyebrow slightly in response. He didn't say anything. They'd made it a rule. You didn't ask questions about the things the other drank for.
"I never.. slept with a married woman," she challenged, and watched as he eyed her with vague annoyance before he took a swig of his drink.
"Never slept with a married man," Sawyer threw back. He'd just meant it as a joke, to lighten the mood. But her face dropped, a look of grief crossed her features, and she took a swig. He hadn't expected that one.
"Never been in love," Juliet stated, hearing the near slur in her own voice. She hadn't slurred words since college. She should be flagged, she knew it. But it didn't stop her, even though she knew most there was to know about him. She watched him take a swig. She took one as well.
Sawyer saw this going just as badly as it had with Kate. Too late now though. "Never shacked up with Ben," he challenged.
Juliet narrowed her eyes at him instantly. Tanked or not. She knew he'd just gone for a low blow whether he knew it or not. She let her eyes do the talking, and she didn't take a swig. Here it came. Now they were drunk and going to start fighting. Eventually she was going to make it seven straight days without having a fight with him.
Sawyer could see the slight rage hiding behind her eyes. He realized now she had a lot more trouble hiding behind those walls when she's had one too many. Though it had taken quite a lot to shed them down some. He felt bad though. And took a swig just for the fun of it. He watched as the tight-lipped frown started curling upwards at the edges and a laugh flowed suddenly from her lips. He couldn't help but grin in response. At least he'd managed to fix that blunder.
"I never.." she paused, trying to think of something. And Jesus the alcohol was really starting to take over. Things were spinning a little bit. She actually enjoyed the sensation of being drunk for the first time in a while and allowed her head to droop over and rest on his shoulder. She knew if she were sober she'd likely have shot herself in the foot for this. But at the moment, it didn't really matter. And he didn't seem to notice. "I never.." she frowned now. She never what?
Sawyer arched an eyebrow up and glanced at her. She had a look of frustration on her face that made him want to bust out laughing. He managed to hold it in though and found himself grinning instead. She couldn't see his grin anyways. Drunk Juliet was definitely fun.
"Screw it.." she mumbled, shaking her head. "What do you wanna know so bad?"
Sawyer looked down at her shocked momentarily. "What?"
Juliet dared to let her eyes glance upwards at him as she rolled her head off his shoulder and leaned it back against the wall. "Well let's face it, James.." she said with a sigh and took a swig of rum. "I know all about you, which is complitterly.. uh.. completely.. unfair.." she stated, her eyes narrowing at her mistake. "So shoot.. ask me a few questions you really wanna know the answer to."
Sawyer was silent for a moment as he drank from his own bottle. "Still married?" he wondered out loud first. He wasn't too sure why that was the first thing he asked about. Probably because he knew she had been after multiple rounds of the game. It was one of the few personal things he'd actually managed from her.
"Nope.." came her immediate reply. No thought, no hesitation. "Divorced," she admitted with a shrug. She didn't wait for him to ask why, her alcohol induced stated had her admitting it willingly. Something she was definitely going to regret in the morning. "He was an ash.. ash-hole.. ass.. yeah.. asshole.." she mumbled as her head lolled somewhat and landed back onto his shoulder. So tired.. she thought numbly. Such a bad idea.. "I wanted one man to fulfill my every needs.. he wanted every woman to fulfill his one.." she grumbled bitterly.
Sawyer took a couple more swigs and by now he was feeling it too. He probably shouldn't have asked.
"Does it.. does it bother you?" Juliet asked suddenly, feeling slightly more alert and taking a swig of liquid courage. Time to open stupid still sore wounds. No better time than the present.
Sawyer glanced at her in confusion. "That ya' been married? Why would it?" he wondered curiously. He realized after a moment her past marriage and divorce wasn't what she meant. "Wait.. what are ya' talkin' 'bout?" the accent was getting thicker. Drank way too damned much.. he thought with regret.
"That.. they used us to get at each other..?" Juliet managed out a moment later, feeling her eyes getting droopy.
Sawyer frowned immediately, feeling a bit more sober. He supposed it'd be rude to not answer since she'd answered his question openly. Problem was, he'd been trying to ignore thoughts about Kate and she'd just brought them all raining back in. He was drunk, but not drunk enough to have this conversation with her. He was about to tell her so when something else came from her lips.
"Got bad luck with men.." came her voice, slightly lulled in a sleep-deprived and alcohol induced tone. "Should.. prolly' just give up.." she mumbled, her eyes slowly closing. After a moment they were completely closed. "No more men.." she proclaimed. "Gonna be.. a hermit..crab.."
Sawyer choked out a laugh immediately when she added crab onto the end and he caught her wry smile. She'd done it on purpose. Obviously she'd realized how much she'd just revealed about herself and wanted to at least get a joke in there."Sounds like a plan, Xena," he joked playfully.
One blue eye opened as she looked at him. "I said a hermit.. not a lesbian warrior wonder woman.." she muttered. "Some people.. just.. not meant.."
Sawyer chuckled as the sentence trailed off into soft snores. He couldn't really decipher what she'd been trying to say at the end. He went to stand and figured he'd at least carry her to her room. That was before he realized how unsteady he was on his feet. He adjusted his eyes and balance before managing to get her onto the couch and throwing a blanket over her before he jumped into the recliner, reclined it, and zonked out himself.
He fell asleep with one thought. Never play I Never with Juliet. She can drink at a steady pace for hours before it hits her.
January 6,
1975.
It was getting towards midnight when Juliet left Amy's house. She had decided to bond with Amy today. She'd sat at her house and told her all about the man, Jack, that she'd lost in the shipwreck. The man she thought she could have loved. The two of them had gotten slightly tipsy. Well, she'd gotten tipsy. Amy had been full-on passed out in a drunken stupor when she'd finally left. It had worked though. Amy had confided in her about losing Paul.
At first she figured she was doing it for Amy's benefit. But she realized now, as she was heading back to her own Dharma house, that it had been just as therapeutic for herself. She had to stop drinking, it was giving her the courage to speak her mind about things that should have been left alone. Such as her past. Or what she was about to do now, now that she'd gotten inside and found Sawyer reading a book on the couch. "Hey James?"
Sawyer glanced up at the question in her tone and watched her momentarily as she took a seat on the recliner next to the couch. He arched an eyebrow slightly and smelled the alcohol coming off of her. But he didn't say anything about it. "Yea'?"
Juliet frowned slightly and leaned forward, her elbows resting on her thighs and her chin resting on her hands. "It's been almost four months.." she pointed out.
He got the feeling he knew where this conversation was heading. He also got the feeling he wasn't really going to like it.
"Do you.. think they're really going to come back?" she asked him, closing her eyes. She knew it was probably going to piss him off. She knew he wanted to think they still had a chance, that the idea they would come back was probably what kept him sane. But Jin and Miles weren't saying anything. Somebody had to bring it up eventually. And how long could they stay here and have it fly by that all they wanted to do was find their missing crew?
Sawyer opened his mouth to let out a verbal whiplash that would make her head spin, but he stopped when he noticed there was a certain pain in her features. He realized that it wasn't that she didn't want them to come back, it was that she was afraid that they wouldn't. He couldn't stop the comment that flowed from his mouth. "Ya' think I don't wonder 'bout that?" he grumbled, snapping the book shut. "Newsflash Blondie, you ain't the only one who lost somebody."
"That's not.." she paused, frowning. This was why liquid courage was a bad idea. She didn't think perpetually well when intoxicated, and it didn't help that he was completely sober. She opened her eyes and glanced over, seeing the slight anger on his features. "I'm sorry," she stated, putting her hands up in defeat. She stood up and turned her back on him.
Sawyer shook his head at her slightly and opened the book back up. He looked up when he noticed her pause at the corner before she rounded into the hallway. She had her hand on the corner but she didn't turn to look at him. He opened his mouth to say something but she spoke first.
"You know.. even if they don't," she said quietly. "I'll still have your back."
Sawyer felt both brows furrow in response. His jaw slackened slightly and it made him feel bad about snapping at her. For once she'd come openly to him to talk and he'd thrown it in her face. Somehow she had a magical knack for making him feel bad after he snaps at her. And instead of waiting for him to respond, he heard her feet padding down the hall and he listened. There was no sound of her door shutting and he sighed. He shut the book again and placed it down before heading towards his own room.
He shot a glance into her room just in time to see flesh as she lifted her shirt over her head. He made a mental note. Tipsy Juliet forgets to close her bedroom door when she's getting changed. After a few seconds he caught himself staring, noticing he'd stopped his retreat to his own bedroom to watch her yank out shorts and a tank top for bed while clad in jeans and a bra. He quickly shook his head and moved on to his own room. He didn't want to test her theory about her ability to kill somebody in their sleep if she caught him watching.
He took one last glance into her room from his doorway and caught sight of the dream catcher hanging above her bed. He felt himself smile a little before he went inside his room and shut the door.
January 18,
1975.
Somebody clearly hated him. He'd been sharing drinks with Jerry at his home when a brunette walked in. Wavy brown hair, freckles, green eyes. She resembled Kate to an extreme. And Jerry had introduced his 'girl' as 'Kat'. Now it was getting late, and he was sitting on the couch in the house he shared with Juliet with Kate on his brain. He'd already washed down a six-pack with Jerry earlier. He'd gone through another here. And he was half-way through yet another and pretty close to obnoxiously drunk when the front door opened and Juliet came in wearing the navy blue jumpsuit.
Juliet eyed the empty beer cans warily as she looked at him on the couch. She hesitated at the door now, wondering if she should stay there to make a quick escape. He looked downright miserable and ready to jump at anybody who said anything. If she didn't remember so clearly that night he'd woken her up and let her cling to him in the early morning, if he hadn't been so undeniably sweet at Christmas, she probably would have taken the escape.
But instead her eyes softened slightly at the sight of his miserable form. He'd definitely met Katrina. And she'd wondered how long that was going to take. For a long time neither of them said anything to the other, at least, not until she leaned against the door. "Are you hungry?" she questioned, not too sure what to do or say to him.
"Nope," came his reply as he popped open another can of beer.
There was another moment of silence before she dared to try again. "Do you.. want to talk about it? About.. her?" she asked him, caution and worry clouding her features. He looked about ready to kill. She really should have just left.
"It look like I wanna chat, darlin'?" he sputtered out, finishing off yet another beer and crushing the can. He hadn't noticed her move. He only noticed it when he reached for the last one from this six-pack and her hand wrapped around his wrist to stop him.
"Maybe you should stop.." she suggested, kneeling down before him. "Drinking won't make your problems go away, James.." she said softly.
Sawyer eyed her and yanked his wrist from her hand before grabbing the other beer. "Ain't stopped you," he pointed out as he popped it open and took a long hard swig of it.
Juliet nearly shut up right there. Probably should have. But she didn't. It would be wrong to let him sit there and do this to himself and she knew that. "The difference here is that I was drinking with people, not by myself.." she explained carefully. "Maybe you should go sleep it off--"
"I don't need yer' advice," he seethed out. "Just cause you like to chit-chat some when ya' get tanked don't mean I do," he warned her. "And just cause you got the emotions of a damned rock don't mean I do too." And he didn't mean it. He knew he didn't. But it just felt so God-damned good to finally take out his frustrations on somebody.
Juliet's lips parted to reply but she snapped her mouth closed without saying anything at all. She kept her face blank, realizing a little too late that was probably a bad idea. Fuel for the fire..
"See?" he stated, waving his hand before her face. "Nothin'," he stated with a shrug and took another sip. "I tell ya' that ya' got no feelin's and you stare at me like I just told you I liked freakin' pie."
Juliet bit down on her lip and went to stand when his fingers coiled around her wrist. She glanced back down at him and once again her eyes softened at the distraught look on his face.
"I loved her," he admitted, letting go of the blonde's wrist and taking another swig of the beer. He watched with surprise as she simply took a seat beside him on the couch. "But she freakin' loved Jack.." he muttered, shaking his head and chugging the beer. "Not that you care 'bout any of this.." he stated.
She frowned slightly and placed her hand over his as he placed it on the couch. "James.."
"James.. James.. James.." he mumbled, shaking his head again. "Always James with you, well guess what?" he questioned, pulling his hand out from under hers. "Just cause you say my first name don't mean squat," he assured her. "It don't make us.. like this," he stated, crossing his fingers. And still, he didn't regret what he was saying now. But he knew he was going to. Which is why he should stop. Why he wanted to stop. He still didn't though. "You don't care 'bout nothin'," he pointed out, leaning back against the couch and finishing the beer, crushing it, and throwing it onto the table with the others. "Prolly all those man issues.."
Juliet stood up. She knew she should take everything he'd just said to her with a grain of salt, but it still hurt. And she found herself needing to stay anywhere but here at the moment. "Go to hell, Sawyer," she growled out. "Next time you want to take out all of your damned frustrations, go find somebody else." She only stopped when his fingers once again coiled gently around her wrist, and she turned back to look at him for a second time.
"Maybe you shoulda' gotten on the sub.." he stated with a shrug. And it became a fact now. He didn't need to sober up. He now felt absolutely horrible as he saw a few tears sting her blue eyes.
She simply slapped his hand off of her wrist and went right out the front door, nearly body-checking Miles as she shoved passed him outside the door.
Miles stared in shock. He grabbed hold of her quickly. "Whoa.. hey, what's the – are you crying?" he asked, suddenly worried. He recoiled as she pulled away and went quickly over to Amy's house. He watched as she stood outside the door momentarily before Amy opened it and immediately pulled her inside. He glanced into the house he was standing outside of and stared at Sawyer who was staring into his can of beer. "What the hell'd you do to her?" he questioned.
"None of yer' damned business," he muttered, standing up and shutting the door in his face.
January 24,
1975.
She hadn't come back. Not yet. Not since the day he'd basically tore into her and told her she was emotionless, cared about nothing and then proceeded to tell her she should have gotten on the sub. The sub she'd neglected to get on because he'd asked her not to. And it wasn't as though he didn't notice the slightly enraged looks Amy shot him when she was nearby.
He'd screwed up. It had been almost a week and he'd yet to get the courage to go apologize to her. Miles even seemed a little unhappy with the situation. In six days, Juliet had only shared lunch or dinner with Jin. And that still wasn't a lot. Most times he caught her sitting with Amy and Horace. Today he watched as Horace came and sat across from him. Neither man spoke for several minutes as they ate lunch and it was Horace who had broken the silence.
"Listen, Jim.." Horace began carefully. "I'm not sure what happened, what was said between you two," he admitted. "Truthfully, Juliet hasn't said a word about it, but you look guilty as hell and she's been talking about getting on the next sub.." he told him. He watched the look of alert that flashed across the other man's face. "I'm guessing you owe her one hell of an apology.."
Sawyer sighed and ran his fingers though his hair. "You got no idea, boss.."
"Flowers are usually a nice touch," Horace assured him, patting him on the shoulder before leaving.
January 25,
1975.
He was waiting for her when she left the motor pool and made her way up to Amy's house. He was sitting on the steps. "Hey.." he said softly, managing not to bolt.
Juliet was silent as she paused by the steps and watched him. "I'm really not interested in anything else you might want to say to me," she pointed out as she went around him and up the steps. She felt his fingertips graze her wrist, but he'd pulled them away quickly before he actually grabbed her. She sighed slightly and turned anyways. And came face-to-face with a sunflower. She arched an eyebrow up slightly in response and stared it him. "What's that for?"
"Thought it might go well with, 'I'm sorry'," he admitted with slight shrug. "Look.. I didn't mean any of that crap," he told her, feeling stupid as he held the flower out to her. "I was frustrated.. pissy, and you.. were handy."
Juliet sighed slightly as she accepted the flower. What was it with him? While he could be a complete ass, he could be really sweet too. And the flower did her in. No one ever really gave her flowers. Ben had. She shuddered slightly without meaning to and saw the look that crossed his face.
"Look.. I really am sorry, I know it pissed ya' off.." he stated, taking her shudder the wrong way.
Juliet watched his look of guilt grow. And she wanted to let him sit there and keep feeling like a jackass but she couldn't. She hadn't ever seen him really apologize to anyone else before. "It's alright.." she finally admitted, locking eyes with him.
"Maybe I could make ya' dinner.." he suggested with a shrug of his shoulders.
Juliet lifted one eyebrow in response. "Are you going to make peanut butter and banana sandwiches again?" she questioned.
"Prolly'," he admitted.
Juliet smiled a little. "Alright then.."
()()TBC()()
I planned to keep going but I just got conned into babysitting duty for the night. I know a few of you are waiting for FFF. I can probably get that up late tonight or tomorrow. :)
(If there's anything fun and exciting you want to see in these three years, you're free to tell me! I have a plan, but I can always include extra stuff! There's always room for more!)