Wow. The last chapter had a big turn-out. Thanks guys! (This chapter is a hell of a lot longer then I planned for it to be.)
Living the Lie: (February, part 1)
February 2,
1975.
Surprisingly enough, nobody seemed to question why she never moved back into the house with Sawyer. Sure, she had told him she forgave him, but the truth of the matter was, she had stayed here because he asked her too. And he had thrown that into her face along with some of the few personal things he knew about her. She couldn't leave. She knew that for certain, not to mention there was still a chance to go home. To really go home. But that didn't mean she had to live in the same house as him.
She hadn't had to ask if she could stay with Amy since the other woman had offered almost immediately after the fight. And now she was standing near the dock beside Miles, as the sub came in early with some new recruits. "Why are we here again?" she whispered to him.
Miles smirked. "Cause we're off, and they needed people to bring the recruits into the barracks," he pointed out. "So.. still staying with Amy?"
"Yes," she answered, not bothering to elaborate.
"Because of the lover's quarrel, or do you just play both sides of the fence?" Miles questioned. He almost regretted the question as the palm of her hand smacked him upside the back of his head. "Ow! Damn.. I was kidding."
Juliet eyed him.
"Sort of.." Miles admitted.
Juliet felt her lips twitch into a smile and she shook her head. "You're such a--"
Miles glanced over at her when she broke off mid-sentence. "Such a what?" he questioned. She never broke off from her insults before. What had stopped her this time? He glanced over at the kid and his father that Horace was talking to and frowned. It took him a moment to realize that Sawyer, who was standing guard over by the sub was staring at this kid with a strange look as well. "What's going on?" he growled under his breath.
He watched as Horace led the man and his son towards himself and Juliet. He noticed Juliet had covered up her strange look and now had a blank look on her face. How did she do that?
"Juliet, Miles," Horace said with a nod. "This is Roger Linus and his son Ben," he introduced them. "Would one of you mind taking them back and over to the rec center?"
Juliet noticed Miles was too stunned to speak and managed not to sigh in frustration. "Not a problem," she agreed with a smile.
"Wonderful!" Horace said with a clap of his hands. "Miles, could you help unload the sub while we're getting the rest of the recruits ready?" he questioned. "We're a bit short-handed since the sub came early."
Miles nodded in silence and glanced back at Juliet. If he hadn't spent a few months with the blonde already he wouldn't have second guessed the smile on her face. But he had. And that was no real smile. "I uh, I'm cooking tonight, Juliet," he told her. "You gonna come over to eat still?" Truth be told, he'd never cooked for any of them and he could tell he'd caught her off guard.
"Oh, yes of course," Juliet agreed with a nod. How did she forget? She didn't remember any of them saying anything about Miles cooking tonight. She shrugged it off and noticed Roger holding his hand out to her. "Nice to meet you Roger," she said, taking his hand in hers. She couldn't believe she was about to do this, but she squatted down and smiled at little Ben Linus. "Hi there Ben," she greeted the kid, holding her hand out to him.
Roger tried not to roll his eyes at the kid. "C'mon Ben," he muttered. "Say hi."
Ben looked up sheepishly and accepted the woman's hand. "Hi.."
Horace watched as Miles went off to unload and he smiled between Juliet and Roger. "Juliet here works in our motor pool," he explained to Roger. "You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's actually one of our best mechanics."
"No need to lie, Horace," she said with a smile, tossing Horace a smile. Juliet stood upright and locked eyes with Sawyer who wasn't too far off. He'd just stopped skimming the passenger manifest and she knew why, from the look on his face. In an effort to show him, and just for show in general, she placed her hand on Ben's head and ruffled his hair. "You must be hungry," she said with a gentle smile. "Let's get you guys to your new home so you can take a load off."
She noted the small, nearly imperceptible nod that Sawyer gave her. He'd clearly caught the, 'this is Ben,' gesture. She also noticed the smile that lit up Ben's face, that complete with Roger glancing down at her hand in search for a ring nearly made her stomach turn. She didn't know why, but she found herself lifting her hand off Ben's head and blowing Sawyer a kiss down by the dock. She noted that he looked a bit bewildered.
Sawyer stared momentarily in utter confusion when she blew him a kiss. What the hell was she doing blowing him a kiss? Far as he could tell, she was still ripping through the core with anger at him, not that he blamed her. And it wasn't until Roger sent a glare his way that he understood. He threw Juliet a grin, full dimples and all, and made the 'call me' gesture by his ear and mouth with his thumb and pinky finger. He took pride as she rolled her eyes and let out a laugh. He hadn't been able to get that out of her for a while now.
He watched as Horace left the three, and Juliet gestured for Roger and Ben to take a seat in the jeep she had with her. When he noticed her eyes on him once again he saw her request in them, even from the distance he was at. He handed the manifest to Miles, "Take over," he told him.
"Aww, c'mon," Miles groaned. "Just cause you two are finally doing that eye-ogling thing at each other doesn't mean you can--" he groaned. Sawyer was already far enough away that talking was useless. He leaned over to Jin beside him and whispered. "I swear.. those two can do the Jedi-Mind-Trick thing.."
Jin arched an eyebrow up. "Not for.." he sat and thought. "Two year.." he whispered back. "1977.."
Miles stared at him. Of course, the Korean would know about freaking Star Wars. "Not cool, man.. just, not cool."
Juliet grabbed Sawyer's hand immediately when he came up to her and pulled him a far enough distance away that they wouldn't be heard talking. She didn't even give him the chance to speak before she was blurting things out. "I-- I can't do this, I can't, not.." she frowned, bringing her hand to her forehead immediately and taking a deep breath. "I can't deal with all this, with him.." she admitted. "This is too much.."
Sawyer frowned immediately at her outburst. He'd never seen anything like it from her before. But there was raw grief and pain in her eyes that she hadn't veiled for once and for the first time in Dharma he was pretty sure he was seeing the Juliet. Not Other Juliet. Not 'double-agent' Juliet. Not even TRIPLE-agent Juliet. He was seeing her. Just Juliet. And this was a side of her the he felt a sudden need to protect. He took a look back along with her at Roger and Ben, and noticed that Mini-Bug-Eyes was simply watching them with curiosity.
He grabbed Juliet's hand just as she had done to him before and pulled her even further away. He noticed Horace had watched them momentarily before going over to Roger and Ben.
"You'll have to excuse those two," Horace stated carefully. "They're quite close," he stated, giving no other explanation for the sudden wait. "I'm sure it'll only be a moment."
Sawyer locked eyes with Juliet once more. There were a few choice times before they'd gotten to Dharma where he could say he connected Juliet with the rest of humanity. The first time had been when she'd been laughing with the man who'd likely been attempting to flirt with her, as he and Kate had been working on their 'runway'. The second was the look on her face when she first showed up on the beach.
"What is she doin' here?" and he remembered the sound of the hostility in his voice and the obvious hesitation and tension in her eyes and posture.
The third, one of his favorites that he absolutely never forgot, was when he'd asked her what they were hauling all the rocks for. She admitted they were building a runway as they were heading along for a likely suicide mission to save Sayid, Jin and Bernard. Then, he'd asked what they were building a runway for..
Her reply had been one of the strangest things someone in their situation could say.
"For the aliens." It had sounded serious. And he'd been stunned by the joke, especially when she rolled her eyes and said, "I don't know James, you think they told me everything?"
He definitely remembered how she'd been preparing to load people onto the Zodiac. And when he'd jumped off the Helicopter he'd been expecting her to be on the freighter, or on her way to it on the Zodiac. But she hadn't. He'd come ashore and she was sitting and nursing a bottle of Dharma rum. Which was ironic considering where they were now.
These were the moments he remembered most where he considered her as part of the human race. But the most memorable two were when he saw her risking her life, putting out a flaming arrow on a dead body. He'd felt that protection flaring then, because impossible situations had put them into a strange relationship where they depended on each other. Just like the last time before Dharmaville, where the 1954 Others had attempted to cut off her hand, and nearly succeeded. He'd tried his damned hardest to talk them down when the strange feeling of protection for her humanity had overcome him a second time.
He damned well hadn't understood that strange feeling then. Because he didn't like her much at all. She'd simply been necessary to keep at his side. Now though? Now he was pretty sure he couldn't think of a better person to have gone through all this with. She took plenty of crap from him without complaints. He had to give her credit for that.
But the look on her face, the tone of her voice at this very moment was something completely different. Something that made him wonder just how far into her mind Benjamin Linus had dug himself into. He hadn't thought til now why Juliet would join their group. Now he wondered what had happened to her to make her decide such things. To make her freak out like this. "Relax.." he told her quietly.
"I can't!" she growled out immediately. "You don't know him like I do!" she told him. "You don't know everything he's capable, not even close," she threw at him. "What you know—" she paused to look around. "Tell me, James," she demanded. "Tell me you can look at that little boy and not see what he's going to become!"
And he couldn't. And after a moment a tear was floating down her cheek and that did him in. He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. He watched as Horace had decided at that exact moment to look over, obviously getting ready to tell them to hurry it up. Or at least, that obviously had been the plan. Until they were caught in their embrace. He noted Horace's smile grow as the other man simply turned around. He had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.
"You know.. I swear, this entire island thinks me and you are.. ya' know.." he muttered out. And suddenly he felt her begin to grin against his shoulder and suddenly her chest was heaving in and out and he realized she had started laughing. That multiple personality disorder was coming to light yet again. Regardless, he found himself chuckling in response as well. He pulled away and put his thumb and pointer finger to his mouth. "They've all been doin' a lil' too much.." and he made a sucking noise.
Juliet bit down on her lip. But she couldn't help it. She released yet another laugh and shook her head. "You're absolutely horrible.. you know that?" she asked, the laughter still in her voice.
Sawyer smirked, but he felt a little spot in his heart melt and let her in just a little bit more. That was probably the reason he did what he was about to do. "Tell ya' what, Blondie.." he stated, ignoring her pointed look at the nickname. "You stay here and help out, I'll bring the pint-sized future island-president and his old man back to the barracks."
Her eyes softened almost immediately in response to his offer. He hadn't waited for a response as he head back towards the jeep. She was simply left staring at his retreating back.
"Your room is still empty!" he called out before jumping into the jeep and taking off. He gave no greeting or introductions to his two passengers.
She smiled a little in response.
Later that night he found all of her clothes back in the other bedroom. He also found her feeding Miles. He'd sworn Miles had said he was cooking for her. Obviously that had changed.
Juliet shot him a pointed look. "I think the chicken Miles cooked turned to charcoal," she explained. "It's pretty close to toxic waste if it's not already."
Sawyer laughed immediately. He glanced at it in the kitchen and waved his hand in front of his nose. "Crap, it smells damned awful too."
Juliet chuckled as Miles glared. "It was a nice effort, Miles.." she assured him, giving him a grateful smile. She'd gotten the feeling he'd wanted to talk about something when he invited her to dinner. They never really got the chance, what with them trying to put out his flaming chicken.
"What's in the bowl?" Sawyer dared to ask, sticking his fork into the sticky brown goo.
Miles rolled his eyes.
Juliet smiled immediately. "I think that was mac and cheese.."
Sawyer immediately started laughing.
"You both suck," Miles pointed out and stood, rolling his eyes again before walking out the door.
Juliet's eyes softened slightly in response. "I think something's wrong.." she stated. "Do you wanna.. you know, go talk to him?"
Sawyer stared at her like she was insane. "Guys don't.. talk," he told her. "Trust me, it's a bad idea!" he defended, knowing damned well there was no chance he and Miles could carry on a serious conversation with each other.
Juliet blinked. "Men are ridiculous.." she stated with a shake of her head. She turned and followed Miles out the door and a few moments later managed to catch him plopping down onto the porch of his and Jin's house next door. "Miles.." she said softly, taking a seat beside him. She noticed he was intent to ignore her, so she quickly nudged him and offered him a smile. "Hey, come on.."
Miles shrugged and said nothing.
"I stayed with Amy because a flower and an apology just hadn't been enough at the time," Juliet told him, staring forward rather then meeting his eyes. "Regardless of what you guys think, I do have feelings," she reminded him. "And I think we're friends, you and I," she stated carefully.
Miles glanced over at her. He hadn't expected her to answer his question from this morning. He supposed she did it for her own reasons, but he also knew she was right. "Guess so.." he muttered.
"So what's bothering you?" she prodded, daring a glance at him. She locked eyes with him and gave him a smile.
Miles immediately rolled his eyes, yet again. "What, are you a therapist now?" he questioned, watching as she chuckled.
"Why don't we swap stories?" she suggested.
Miles studied her with complete confusion. "Swap stories?" he questioned. "What are you even talking about?" he asked. He knew exactly what she meant. She'd tell him something if he told her what was wrong.
Juliet tilted her head to the side and simply stared at him, never wavering.
"I hate it when you do that.." he grumbled. "Fine.. you first."
Juliet's eyebrows furrowed in response. "Alright.. what do you want to know?" she questioned. She sure as hell hoped she wasn't going to regret doing this. But it definitely seemed like he had something on his mind that he needed to get out. Best way to get someone else's problems out of them are to admit some of your own. Clearly Miles had been no exception.
"What'd he say to you?" Miles asked immediately, no hesitation. "Jim.. what did he say to you the other week to upset you that much?"
Juliet was hesitant at first. She looked away from him for the moment and stared off into nowhere. "I told him a bit about my past," she admitted.
Miles stared at her in response to that. She was mad because she told him about her past? That didn't make any sense. He knew she was a private person but that was being beyond ridiculous. "I don't get it.." he admitted with a sigh.
She frowned slightly. "I told him stupid stuff when I was drunk," she explained. "And, he sort of threw them back in my face and told me I should have gotten on the sub that day you uh.. saw me leave the house.."
Silence. That was the only thing he could really manage at first in response to that. "Guess you're not going to elaborate," he muttered. He already knew the answer to that.
"Maybe one day," she told him, throwing him a smile.
Miles glanced back at her in surprise. He sighed. Well, she technically answered his question and did her part of the bargain. Obviously he had to keep up his end as well. "My mom's here.." he admitted after a minute of silence. A minute that he noticed she hadn't asked him, she had simply waited for him to come out and tell her the problem.
Almost immediately her blue eyes were turned on him. "She's what?" she questioned immediately. That wasn't even possible, right?
Miles shrugged is shoulders. "She's uh.. she's getting on the sub when it leaves," he pointed out.
Juliet narrowed her eyes. There were very few people leaving on the next sub. And suddenly it hit her. "Oh.. oh wow.." she mumbled, her hand covering her mouth. "Lara Chang is your mom?" she whispered. At his nod she smiled a little.
"I never knew about this place.." Miles admitted to her. "And I never met my dad, but now I know who he is.."
Juliet frowned immediately. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Miles.."
Miles shot her a grin. "Hey.. don't go all soft on me now," he warned her. "Just cause we admitted we're friends and swapped a story, doesn't mean shit."
Juliet chuckled. She tapped him playfully on the cheek as she stood. "You got it, Miles.." she told him. She paused before she left and looked at him seriously once more. "You gonna be okay?"
Miles glanced up at her. "Yep," he admitted. "Nice not being the only one to know."
She winked. "Don't get used to it," she told him. "Next time you burn perfectly good mac and cheese and chicken on purpose, I'll light your pants on fire while you're sleeping," she warned him.
Miles grinned immediately.
"I know damned well you can cook better then me," she acknowledged before walking away. But she did call one last thing over her shoulder. "There's better ways to get my attention then making a bio-hazard in the kitchen!"
Miles let out a dignified laugh in response as she went back to the house she was sharing with Sawyer once again. He glanced at Jin who opened the door and stared at him. "She digs me," he told the Korean.
Jin blinked. "Dig you? Juliet bury you?"
Miles sighed.
February 9,
1975
To be honest, Sawyer had no idea what to do about Juliet. A week straight had passed since little Ben arrived, seven days in a row, she came back from the motor pool, got beyond plastered and would go to bed. Something had clearly gone on between her and Ben in their own time that he wasn't privy to and she was neglecting to share. Not to say he wasn't completely over Kate, and seeing Jerry's little girlfriend Kat wasn't the biggest shot to the heart. But after he'd said what he had to Juliet, he'd learned his little life lesson about drinking the pain away.
He admitted that before the island, he probably wouldn't have cared if he'd hurt someone else's feelings because he got drunk. Or even if he did it sober. He was frustrated beyond belief that he depended on her to keep him sane these days. What was even more frustrating was that if she was going insane, it wouldn't be long before he started losing it as well.
The first few days he gave her some slack. Figured maybe she had to get it out of her system. That mixed with the fact that he remembered her attempts at telling him to stop. He didn't want to know what might happen if he attempted to stop her. But now it was getting a little over the top. He really needed to say something. The problem was, he didn't know what he could possibly say to make it any better since he didn't know anything that had really gone on between her and Ben Linus.
He knew the man for a short period of time and had seen a lot from him. She'd spent three years with the man. And if her current drinking excursions were any evidence, she didn't spend it playing patty-cake. He took two bowls out from the cupboard in the kitchen and dished out some ice cream, knowing she'd be back any minute. He'd just put the ice cream away when she walked through the door and started shedding her boots and bandana. "Ice cream?" he questioned.
She glanced over in surprise and looked at him with the two bowls. "Sure.." she replied with a nod. "I'm just going to go change," she explained before walking down the hall. Ice cream? He was definitely up to something, there was no doubt in her mind. She was almost positive he was about to try his hand at an intervention. She nearly had the nerve to jump out of her bedroom window to escape, but she didn't. She changed into a tank top and a pair of shorts before she exited the room and went out to the kitchen.
The first thing she did when she sat down at the table with him was shove a spoonful of strawberry ice cream into her mouth. They spooned their ice cream down for about two minutes before she finally looked up at him and decided to speak. "I know what you're trying to do.."
Sawyer glanced up. He couldn't say he was surprised, her powers of observation obviously hadn't been spoiled from her endeavors into alcoholism.
"I'll leave the booze alone, if that's what you were shooting for with this whole ice cream thing," she told him, then took another spoonful of ice cream. She didn't meet his eyes now.
"What'd he do to you?" he finally dared to ask. He nearly asked if her issues were because her and Ben had slept together. He'd managed to contain himself and keep the question off that subject. She was getting to him. He was learning tact.
"If you're asking if I had sex with him," she stated, meeting his eyes now. "The answer is no," she answered, taking another spoonful of ice cream.
Sawyer managed not to roll his eyes in response. "That ain't what I asked," he pointed out. "I asked what he did."
Once more she cast her eyes downward at the bowl of ice cream. It was nearly gone and she hardly remembered eating almost all of it. She took the last bite and left the spoon in her mouth momentarily as she tried to decide what to tell him. She knew that she could very well tell him nothing and he probably wouldn't hold it against her, but she also knew she'd been downright bitchy for the last week and he hadn't said a word about it. Guilt flooded through her at the realization.
Still, she didn't dare meet his eyes as she placed the spoon in the empty bowl. "It's been almost four years since they brought me to the island," she stated, pushing her bowl forward and leaning back in her seat. "I was supposed to stay for six months, that's it.."
He didn't try to interrupt. He just listened and waited for her to continue. Even though the question was throbbing at the tip of his tongue of how six months had turned into so long. This was her story and if he wanted to hear it, he figured it would be best not to interrupt and simply let her tell it.
"I was.. a fertility doctor, based in Miami," she admitted. "He sent Richard to recruit me and at first I declined," she told him, leaving out the details of why. "I'd been trying to help my sister get pregnant, she was in remission from cancer and.. she couldn't have children."
Sawyer studied her face. There was definite sadness lurking behind her eyes as she spoke about her sister. He almost thought about telling her that she didn't have to tell him if she didn't want, but she continued before he got the chance to form the words.
"I went home and told her I declined the job.. and she told me that my treatments worked, that she was pregnant," she admitted, a small smile creeping onto her features. "She told me to take the job.. but I still said no.." she said with a sigh. "I suppose I should have kept saying no, look where it got me."
"So.. why'd you say yes?" he questioned before he could stop himself. He noticed she still didn't meet his eyes. He'd never seen her look so timid before.
"Edmund.." she paused, realizing she'd never really mentioned the name of her ex-husband to Sawyer before now. "My ex," she explained. "He was harassing me about using my sister as a basis for research," she stated, rubbing her temples at the migraine that was forming within them. "I told him no, probably one of the few times I ever really did so.. and he was probably about to say something terrorizing when he backed into the street and was hit by a bus.."
Sawyer arched his eyebrows up almost immediately. He nearly asked her if she helped her ex into the oncoming bus' path, but he held back. Something in her story made him know that wasn't the case.
Juliet dared a quick glance at Sawyer and noticed he was just waiting patiently for her to keep going. She sighed slightly and leaned her elbows onto the table and rested her forehead on her knuckles. She frowned realizing she was about the admit exactly how naïve and easily influenced she'd been before she went to the island. "Originally.. when I'd declined Richard's offer, it had been because Edmund never would have let me go. I told Richard, that the only way he'd let me go were if he was hit by a bus."
Sawyer stared at her, his mouth slightly agape. Not because of the bus, but because of what she'd said before that. That she'd been controlled by her ex-husband. "What do you mean he wouldn't let ya' go?" he asked immediately. "You were divorced, right?"
"You would have picked that to question me about regardless of everything else I've said," she stated with a sigh. She pinched the bridge of her nose with frustration and finally locked eyes with his. "I wasn't the same person, James.." she told him. "I.. I was nobody, I just took orders and followed them, I didn't ask questions.. I just sort of existed without really existing."
He wasn't too sure how to respond to that one. To be honest, he just couldn't picture her like that. It didn't seem plausible.
"Anyways.." she moved on. "I guess Ed still had me listed as next of kin, because I was the one who had to sign all of the coroner's paperwork," she admitted. "The sad thing is, I was crying over his death.. even after all of the crap he put me through.." she told him, somewhat sheepishly. "I guess I still loved him, I think that maybe I still do," she explained.
"You still love yer' ex?" he questioned, the surprise evident in his tone. "Why?"
Juliet smiled sadly and put her head back in her hands. "There's a difference between still loving somebody and still being in love with them," she pointed out. "I'm not in love with him anymore, I just.. the love never really went away."
Sawyer let that statement roll around his head for a few seconds. He was definitely seeing her in a whole new light, but still, he didn't understand what all of this had to do with Ben.
"Someone handed me a tissue," she continued almost immediately, disregarding what she'd just told him. "I looked up and it was Ethan, and Richard.." she added. "They said they'd be leaving soon and wanted to offer me the job one more time, in Portland, by the way.. they never said anything about some secluded island that nobody could find.." she pointed out. "He said it would just be for six months, and I'd be back in time for Rachel to give birth."
She rubbed her face slightly and frowned. "Needless to say.. this isn't Portland, I drank spiked orange juice and woke up strapped to a bed on a submarine," she told him. "When I got off the sub, I met Ben.." she frowned at the memory. "It seemed pretty normal at first, so did he, for that matter," she admitted to him. "Looks are deceiving I suppose."
"No kiddin'," Sawyer muttered, thinking about how she would have gone from a timid follower to who she was now. He couldn't figure that transition out.
"I spent six months trying to save women who just kept dying," she stated, trying not to allow herself to tear up at the memories. "When I told Ben it had been six months and I wanted to leave, that there was nothing that I could do.. he told me my sister's cancer had gone out of remission and she would die soon.. he said.."
Sawyer watched as the tears fell. He felt a piece of his heart going out to her and he couldn't explain why. But that urge to protect her had come up and he reached his hand out for hers almost immediately. He met her blue eyes with his own as their fingers interlocked together and watched as her eyes drifted down to their hands momentarily.
"He said I could go be with her in her final days, or stay here and continue my research," she stated, her voice wrought with the emotions. She'd never admitted so much to anybody before now and she had no idea why she was telling him. "He said if I stayed, they would cure my sister.."
Sawyer sat, stunned speechless at her words. A cure for cancer? There was no such thing. "And you just.. believed him?"
Juliet opened her mouth to speak but snapped it shut almost immediately afterwords. She took a deep breath and finally released it before looking at him again. "No.." she admitted. "But.. she was all I had, have.." she blurted out and corrected herself. "If there was even a chance.. I just.."
He couldn't believe it. She'd bargained her freedom to save her sister's life without knowing if her sister would even really be saved. Juliet Burke wasn't the woman that he'd thought her to be. He could see now why running into little Ben would torment her so much.
"It just got worse over the next two and half years," she stated, pulling her hand from his. She ran her fingers through her hair and frowned. She regretted her choice to tell him she would leave the alcohol alone. Instead she stood, going into the kitchen and retrieving the entire tub of ice cream before sitting back down at the table and spooning it straight out of the container. "I was stuck there, so.. I pursued a relationship with a man named Goodwin," she stated, taking a huge bite of ice cream.
Sawyer watched her eat straight from the container. Something she'd told him a million times never to do. Under any other circumstances, he might have called her on it. But this wasn't the time to say something stupid. He kept his mouth tightly shut, simply listening once again without making any interruptions.
"My therapist was his wife," she threw out, though she wasn't sure why. It wasn't even necessary to tell him that. But she was on a roll, and she figured she probably would never be this open again and she might as well give him the entire story. "I guess that after that six months is where I changed," she muttered. "I just..adapted, took on the role of 'the other woman', the one thing I always swore I'd never do," she copped to. "I guess that frustrated Ben," she stated thoughtfully as she sucked on her spoon.
She took a deep breath and released it. "When uh.. when I diagnosed Ben with that tumor on his spine, that was the day before your plane crashed.." she told him. She didn't dare look up at him once again. "I went over to Ben's house, and I called him a liar about curing my sister, screamed at him.. cried, and begged to go home," she stated, throwing her spoon down on the table. "Believing she was alive and cancer free was really the only thing that had been keeping me going," she explained, her grief clearly evident in her voice.
"He denied it of course.. saying he never lied to me," she said softly. "He told me I couldn't go home and walked away.. and the next day when your plane crashed, he sent Ethan to your section of the plane, and he sent Goodwin to the tail-section.."
Sawyer narrowed his eyes slightly.
"I guess Richard was on the mainland.. because, Ben took me to The Flame shortly after the crash and showed me live feed, of my sister and her son.." she stated, feeling the tears falling once again. "He said.. she named him Julian.."
His heart dropped at her words.
"He still wouldn't let me leave," Juliet told him, her voice clearly on the edge of breaking. "He uh.. I don't know.. it wasn't too much later when he took me out to a clearing and showed me Goodwin's dead body," she said, this time her voice did break. "He.. I freaked out.." she stated, knowing she was starting to sound vaguely hysterical. "I.. I.. he.. he knew Goodwin would die.. I accused him of.. of knowing it would happen, I even asked why he did it.."
He was stunned beyond belief at how completely and utterly defeated and broken she sounded right now. He'd never seen anything remotely like this from her and he knew, he just knew, there was no way in hell she was making any of this up.
"After everything I've done to get you here, after everything I've done to keep you here, how can you possibly not understand?! That you're mine!"
The words rang through her mind and she shook her head immediately, feeling sick. She shoved the carton of ice cream forward and took off out of her seat and down the hall.
"Sonuvabitch.." he muttered to himself, following after her immediately. He watched as she bee-lined for the bathroom and immediately emptied out the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Almost instinctively he grabbed hold of her hair that she was trying to hold back herself and he simply let her retch. When she finally stopped he let her hair down, not entirely sure what else he could possibly do for her.
So he sat silently on the edge of the tub as she sat there with her head over the toilet. He reached his hand out, about to place it on her back for some sort of comfort but he retracted it when his fingers were just a millimeter away. "Juliet.." he said, his voice softer then it had ever been before. He stared at her hands, gripping the edges of the toilet so hard that her knuckles were turning white.
She didn't give him a chance to say anything else. She just started speaking with her head leaning over the toilet. "He said.. that after everything he's done to get me here, to keep me here.." she blew out a breath. "He asked how I couldn't possibly understand that I was his."
Sawyer froze immediately. Because she turned and looked at him with the most haunted look he'd ever seen in anyone's eyes. He lowered himself down from where he was sitting and now sat with his back up against the edge of the tub. Surprise came even more when the blonde pulled herself away from the toilet and simply buried her face into his shoulder. His arms moved of their own accord and wrapped around her. Still, he couldn't find the words to voice his thoughts. He wasn't even all that sure his thoughts had completely processed everything she'd told him.
Suddenly the way she was, the way she acted and did everything she'd done, it all made sense to him now. Actually, all things considered, he supposed she could have come out a lot worse than she actually had. Even after that, neither of them had anything to say. He didn't have the heart to tell her how uncomfortable it was in this position, and when her breathing evened out and she fell asleep just as she was, he let himself drift off as well. He didn't know how long it was they sat there before that happened, but it did.
This would probably be awkward in the morning.
()()TBC()()
Yes, that's right, February is going to have a second part. I didn't realize how long I was going on for in this chapter. But it was getting close to 7,000 words. I figured it would just be simpler to split February up into two parts. Who knows, maybe other months will have multiple parts as well!
This took forever to read over for errors, and I'm sure you all know how it is when you check your own work. You always miss stuff, so I apologize for any errors I missed.