Sleepless nightmare:
After hearing the content of my nightmares, knowing I would now relive Akuze for the rest of my life, and sleep would elude me for tonight, I pulled on a black tank-top and sweat pants, and headed down to the firing range, swiping my rifle off the table where Williams had been cleaning the entire ship's small arms. It was as annoying as it was useful. The thought of her brought an involuntary prang of desire, which I quickly silenced: It was clear she had no interest in me. Don't get me wrong, Liara was perfectly sweet and innocent, but she didn't do it for me. There was something about ash… her militaristic thinking coupled with her love poetry, the fact she always had her hair in a bun. I always marvelled at how she could fit it in her helmet without damaging it. And the colour was just like Mona's…
NO, stop thinking about that JUST STOP THINKING! GET DOWN TO THE FUCKING RANGE AND DESTROYED SOME TARGETS! YOU LET SOMEONE GET CLOSE AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT! YOU SWORE AN OATH! SO STOP THINKING AND SHOOT THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING!
I finally walked into the firing range. I picked my target, sealed the door to stop it waking up the entire ship, sighted, and fired. Every shot hit. I am far too good at this, I thought to sneak down and practice in the middle of the night. I watched the target as I hit it, and as I watched it disintegrate under the steady stream of AR file, I kept on thinking what would have happened on Akuze Stop thinking about Akuze, if I had a gun like this. A lot fewer deaths I suspected. As the over-worked heat-sink finally gave up and over-heated, I threw the weapon down in disgust Just like you threw down everyone whose tried to bed you since and leapt the wall.
I ran at the target, infuriated by the fact it did nothing, let alone retaliate. Right now, I felt like I needed to kill someone. I smashed into the target, head-butting it in a way Wrex would be proud of. As it fell to the ground I started beating it with my fists, wishing it was a human, Turian, Asari, Salarain, Bata pretend it's a thresher maw, it killed your squad, and now you can have your revenge! Hit it! HIT IT! rain, Volus, Elcor, Hanar, ANYTHING BUT AN INAMIATE OBJECT!
Eventually the target had been obliterated, the largest chunks no larger than a fist. In my rage, I looked around for something else to destroy. It was then I heard the cargo lift You first kissed Mona in a cargo lift, remember? come to a halt on this deck. I might as well see who it was.
I hastily jumped back over the wall, picked my rifle back up, locked the trigger and headed back to Ashl- williams' station Stop thinking about her, just stop thinking at all! to replace my rifle. As I neared the lift it opened You first kissed her their because of the risk of discovery, and it made it all the sweeter, remember, and on-one will ever compare, so stop thinking about it! JUST STOP HOW MANY TIMEDO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? saw who else it was.
Williams. She was dressed in the bottom half of her jumpsuit and an old vest which, from its length, was the only thing she wore in bed. Unfortunately, the mention of Williams and bed in the same five seconds brought another prang of desire, and imagined sensations of pleasure and ecstasy. No, I thought, not imagined, borrowed. Your mind is stealing your thoughts, memories of Vasquez.
No one will EVER compare. I told myself. That's not true, you don't know that! My mind also told me. Fuck! I thought. I'm getting more disturbed the only time you didn't feel disturbed was with Mona! You told her things you never told the pyschs! by the day.
Withdrawing into myself, I brought out my shell, which was just like my armour: Faithful, personal, protective, abraded, damaged That's how you first met her! Something was playing up with your comm so you talked to Mona about it, and she made you feel so welcome! and scratched.
"Gunnery Chief Williams, would you mind telling me what you are doing down here in the middle of the night cycle?" I asked, hiding everything behind my tough exterior.
"I couldn't sleep, ma'am." She replied. "I'm too tense. Cleaning the rifles helps me relax. It's the only time I feel at peace."
"Funny that. The only time I ever feel at peace is when there's a gun in my hand and a living, breathing target in the sights…Or a Geth, if they don't qualify." I replied.
She looked slightly shocked, and paused slightly before replying. "Commander…" She gulped, as if gathering her courage. She probably was, I had injected an edge of the voice that made even the Geth run in fear.
"Commander… What the hell happened that made you like this?" She asked, her voice breaking slightly with fear.
"What makes you think that I wasn't always like this?" I snapped, introducing much more that an edge of my Geth fear voice.
"Commander… I had friends in the 404… Before Akuze… Back then, everyone loved you. You were respected. You had friends. What happened?"
"That was the problem!" My shell had finally taken a knock too many. As my body raged, I mentally checked my mask was still in play. It was, although dented. Good, I can still salvage something "When they died, I cried for weeks. I just sat in the med-bay, tears rolling down my cheeks, hunched up in a ball, not reacting to anyone, anything. They've thought I was in a coma if I wasn't crying the whole time. I didn't drink, didn't eat. I would have died if I hadn't been put on an IV drip and force fed me. My lover was down Remember her Shepard? The only lover had had that wasn't a one night stand, that wasn't a tool to be used and thrown anyway, but she didn't know that did she? there, Ashley. She died. And when time and tears had dulled the shock from shear agony, I vowed I would never love again; never let anyone get that close to me again, that their death would reduce me to a crumbling wreck. I loved her, Ash. I never told her, but I did. She died not Why are you telling her this? Stop, Stop STOP! knowing. I'll never forgive myself for that, ever. For all I know she regarded it as a fling, a tryst, an unfeeling outlet for lust! Not the loving relationship I thought it was!"
Oh, fuck. "Part of not being close to anyone involved not telling anyone this, so congrats Ash, you made me break my rule. So fuck you."
As I said this, tears welled in my eyes. Fuck. Another part of my rule was to never let anyone see me cry, ever. To always wear the mask which was now so close to slipping.
I decided to brave the nightmare filled abyss of sleep, and bolted for my quarters. I forced myself not to break the mask in the painfully slow lift journey. I held my hands to my face, as the bands keeping the mask on had finally snapped from long use, and I could not let anyone see me. Ever. Only Mona was allowed that. I will meet her again in death, whenever that is.
As the lift finally opened, I sprinted the short distance to my quarters, sealing the door behind me. I fell into bed, and I soon fell into the demonic embrace of sleep. I had prayed to Selene, goddess of the moon and dreams not visit me this night. She had not listened before, and I doubt she will listen again.