Coming to Terms - Chapter 8
A/N: If a particular little speech that Dave gives in this chapter sounds familiar, it's because I appropriated and adapted Santana's speech from 'Sexy' for him. Since he comes out first in this little AU fiction, it doesn't make as much sense for her to say it. Don't worry, though. I don't plan on taking that away from her without giving something back, eventually.
Dave closed the door to his truck on that chilly Monday morning and took a deep breath, before slinging his knapsack over his shoulder and striding up to the front doors. He didn't feel nearly as nervous as he expected to, thanks in large part to encouragement Kurt had given him on the phone that morning, and because of his surprisingly positive encounter with Azimio on Friday night. However, he still found that he felt a bit sick to his stomach, and his head was swimming a bit as he went through different possible scenarios.
As he walked through the front doors, he saw students glance at him and turn to each other to whisper. He'd expected this. This was high school, and word spread quickly. No doubt most of the school had known by Saturday morning. Knowing is one thing, though, and seeing the truth for yourself is something else entirely. Many of his fellow students were clearly examining him as he walked by, trying to spot the "gay" on him, like it would just show up as a smudge of glitter on his cheeks or a waggle in his hips as he walked, or perhaps they hoped he would say something to them and they would here him lisp in a feminine tone while snapping his fingers and flicking his hand back on his limp wrist. Instead, what they got was the same Dave Karofsky that they had seen on any other day.
No, not the same. He had changed over the past few weeks. He didn't bully people anymore, he was nicer in general, he had joined New Directions and he smiled more. So I suppose he was different from what they might have remembered. He supposed he might even be gayer than he used to be, in the sense that gay means happy. He smiled and nodded as people stared at him, making sure that they knew he wasn't ignoring them, but that he wasn't going to answer any questions that they were too afraid to ask, either.
He reached his locker and began to open it, still smiling and surprised that no one had come forward and actually spoken to him yet. Before he could retrieve the books that he needed for first period, though, his locker door was slammed shut by a force coming from behind him. He turned around in time to be shoved against the wall of lockers by Scott Cooper, who stood in front of three fellow puckheads.
After cringing and rolling his eyes, Dave smiled again. "Hey, Scotty. How's it hangin'?"
"How's it hangin'? You talkin' 'bout my junk, you fucking homo?"
"Ew, really? You know, I've had the misfortune of seeing that shit in the locker room when you'd parade around after a game. Gotta say, not that impressive. I'm sure I could do better."
Scott lunged at Dave, holding his arms back with one arm and pressing his other arm against Dave's neck to pin him back against the lockers.
"I don't like you talking about my junk. I don't want you to THINK about it, you queer-ass faggot."
Dave struggled to respond against the pressure on his throat. "Then—don't bring it up—in the first place." Dave pushed back against the lockers, shoving himself forward and causing Scott to stumble a few feet. Dave made a point to calmly brush the wrinkles out of his shirt, then put the most unreadable expression that he could on his face, even though he was brimming with a combination of rage, fear and anxiety.
"Whatever you say, lady." Scott snapped his fingers and the three jocks behind him pulled their hands from behind their backs to reveal two Slushies a piece. "So I think you know what comes next, Dave, and you can look forward to this becoming a regular thing."
"Oh hey, Scotty!" Scotty turned to see Azimio jogging up to him in the hallway.
"What do you want, Az? This is between us and this homo here. I know he was your boy, but if you plan on standing up for him, you're gonna be standing up against us."
"Standing up for—man, whaduya take me for, a homo-lover? I thought I could join in on the fun. Gimme one of 'em Slushies, man. I didn't get the chance to buy one this morning."
Dave's mouth fell open, and his chest hurt a bit, like someone had just knocked the wind out of him. He knew he could have handled this himself, but then when Azimio came running up, he was sure that help had arrived...
What the fuck, Az? I thought we were cool. I thought you'd have my back. I thought...you were my friend.
Dave braced for what was turning out to be a very bad start to his week as Scott handed a stupidly grinning Azimio a Slushie.
"We ready boys?" The other puckheads nodded and smiled at Scotty's question, but Az was just shaking his head.
"Naw, wait a sec, man. Something's just not right about this. I think this could be much, much better." Az smiled devilishly, a look that said he had a plan.
"Oh, what'd you have in mind?"
"Well, I mean, it'd be really easy to Slushie the gay kid, right? But what if we did something daring? Something really crazy? Something that'd turn the tables?"
Scotty looked really confused, as did his minions. Dave was also trying to understand what Az meant, but he had a sneaking suspicion, and just as he tried to decide whether he was right or wrong...
"What if we stood up against the bullying and decided not to be assholes?" And with that, Az threw his Slushie in Scotty's face with such surprise and such force that he fell backwards into the arms of his fellow hockey players. Unfortunately for him, their hands were occupied, and his fall disturbed their contents, causing them to drop out of their hands and onto him as he landed on his butt on the floor.
Yup, thought Dave. I was right. Az has got my back after all.
After Dave grabbed the books he needed from his locker, Az put his arm around Dave's shoulder and the two of them walked off with their heads held high and laughing, while Scott struggled to get up with the help of his stunned teammates, managing to slip and pull one of them down on himself in the process.
The rest of Dave's day went surprisingly well. Nobody really hassled him, least of all the hockey team. The football team acted only slightly uncomfortable when they saw him, but it was evident that they were trying really hard to be cool around him. No doubt Azimio had talked to them earlier. Dave hoped that with time, they might actually accept that he was gay, rather than look like they were just pretending to, but he could deal with this for now. At least they seemed to respect him enough to do that.
He did receive a questioning student here or there, people he knew from some class or another. Often they would approach him timidly, slightly embarrassed but too curious to resist. They would ask him if he was really gay, stammering, tripping over their words, talking about rumors and trying to lay it all on someone else who had told them. He would respond calmly and with a smile that, yes, he was gay, and not to worry, he wasn't insulted, or he didn't mind answering, or something along those lines.
He saw Kurt in the hallway twice during the day, but in the distance. Kurt smiled at him and he smiled back, but that was the extent of their interaction. It was Dave's request. When he spoke to him that morning, he asked him if they could try to avoid running into each other, just on that first day, so he could deal with the consequences of his coming-out on his own. It made it easier for Dave because he wasn't sure if he would be able to prevent himself from expressing his affection for Kurt again in the hallway, and he thought that would be a bit much so soon after Friday's spectacle. However, as glee club practice approached, he knew that his interaction with Kurt was inevitable, and with it the a slew of questions from the other members of New Directions who he had deftly avoided throughout the day.
Dave walked into the choir room and was greeted by a sudden hush from its occupants. Dave stopped, scanned the room and the puzzled, questioning faces of his fellow performers. Finally, he rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Okay. Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I'm going out with Kurt. The rumors are true."
"Oh we know. I was there, remember?"
"Ah. Right. Hi Mercedes."
"Doesn't make it any easier to understand, though."
"Yea, man. I mean, you were pretty brutal to Kurt back in the day. And I mean, yea, you've changed recently, and you've been a helluva a lot nicer than you used to be, but I mean, unless you just turned gay too, that would mean that you were beating up on one of your own before."
"Puck!" Kurt seemed less than thrilled with the way things were going, and it was obvious that he felt that Puck crossed a line.
"No, it's okay, Kurt. Look, guys, I know I've messed up in the past, and I know what I did to Kurt was especially messed up, but you don't know what it was like for me. None of you do. I was an asshole, but I know why now. I was an asshole because I was angry. I was angry because I had all of these feelings. Feelings that I was afraid to deal with because I was afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of how people would react, of the looks they would give me, the things they'd say to me, that they'd say behind my back."
Dave paused for a moment, fearing that he might choke up, making an already difficult situation even worse. He took a deep breath and went on. "But I had to accept it. I had to accept that I was gay, and that I really care about Kurt, and that the only reason I hurt him was because I couldn't accept who I was, and what he really means to me."
Dave could now see that Kurt wasn't managing to hold it together as well as he was, and so he decided to wrap up and sit down before he found himself joining him in a good cry in front of everybody.
"Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I've made a lot of mistakes, and my actions toward Kurt are some that I regret the most. I hope that you can all understand and accept that I'm working on it."
With that, Dave took his seat next to Kurt and put his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. No one in the room had anything else to say on the matter, seeming more than satisfied with his response. Many seemed lost in thought, or perhaps looked a bit ashamed for questioning his behavior now that they knew where it was coming from. Santana looked especially emotional after his speech, for some reason.
He knew that he probably didn't even need to say as much as he did, and an earlier rendition of himself might have replaced that little monologue with a snarky remark and an threatening physical gesture to discourage any further discourse on the matter. Dave didn't want to be like he was anymore, though, and he felt that the best way to do that was to purge the less savory characteristics of himself one by one.
Mr. Schuester came in and, after pausing to observe the oddly silent, almost reverent mood on the room, he shook his head as if to clear it from his thoughts and pressed into the day's lesson.
"Okay guys. As you all know, Regionals is just around the corner, and we really need to step it up if we're going to be ready in time. Now, as you've probably heard, Rachel and Mercedes have written some original songs for us to perform, which should really give us an edge. Guys?" Mr. Schue waved his hand in their direction to indicate that they had the floor.
Rachel and Mercedes stood up and began handing around printouts that they had been holding before heading to the front of the room.
"Okay, everyone. What you have in your hands are the lyrics to three completely original songs that I feel confident saying will take us to Nationals. The first, Get it Right, is an emotional ballad about mistakes and redemption."
"Hell To The No is about standing up for yourself and not taking crap from anybody," Mercedes interjected.
"And following that theme, Loser Like Me will fly in the face of everyone who has ever told us that we couldn't make it, that we were losers, and nothing, and not as good as them. It says, 'no, you're wrong. We're better than you, because we know who we are, and what we're capable of, and we're going to be the best.' So?"
"Yea, guys, whaduya think?"
The glee club members looked at the lyrics, whispered among themselves a bit, and looked up at Rachel and Mercedes.
"Guys, these look awesome!" Mike said.
"Yea, Hell To The No looks rockin, Mercedes!" Artie chimed in.
"I knew you could do it, Rachel," said Finn with a smile.
"I gotta admit, Berry, these look really good. I think this is really going to put us over the top," said Quinn reluctantly.
While the other members of glee club voiced their support, they seemed oblivious to what Dave felt was the elephant in the room. Kurt had stopped tearing up, and was joining in the festivities, going so far as to get up and hug Mercedes.
"So then what's my part in all of this? Do I stand up there and get ridiculed? You like throw a Slushie in my face on stage for effect?"
The chatter stopped as the singers looked to Dave, confusion turning to dreadful understanding as they realized how he must feel.
"Oh...oh no, Dave. That's not what this is about. I mean, the lyrics are obviously about bullying and being pushed down and getting back up and all, but it wasn't...I mean this isn't about you..."
"Yea man, you're not like that. That's in the past. We understand that," said Finn.
"Yea? Well maybe I'm still having a hard time dealing with my past. After all, it's not that far in the past yet."
"Dave..." Kurt said, causing Dave to bristle a bit. He hated feeling like he was being pitied.
"Kurt, I can't-"
"You can," said Kurt softly but reassuringly, and he stepped next to Dave and placed his hand gently on his arm. Dave's initial reaction was to pull away, to step backward, to turn and leave the room as quickly as he could, but the instant Kurt's fingertips made contact, Dave felt like he melted just a little bit inside.
"I—I'm sorry. I'm just..." Dave looked down, ashamed that he had these issues controlling his anger. It had never been a problem as a football or hockey player. All the aggression really just became fuel on the field or the ice, and his fellow teammates understood, or perhaps didn't even notice his outbursts, since it seemed so commonplace and normal. This, however, was not the locker room, nor was he facing up against well-padded opponents.
"Dave," said Rachel, and she walked up to stand a few short feet in front of him. "We're sorry. But you weren't even in the glee club when we began writing these. You hadn't even apologized to Kurt yet. Nothing had changed. Please believe me when I say that these have nothing to do with you. You've shown us a side of yourself that none of us knew existed recently, and I don't mean being gay. I mean that there is a kind and gentle side of you that seems to have been hidden beneath your rough exterior. I'm glad that we've been able to meet that side of you. And might I suggest something? Don't take the lyrics of these songs as reprimanding your past behavior, but rather as celebrating the new and, dare I say, improved you."
Rachel smiled at Dave, and Dave's first thought was that it was another pity smile to go with her pity speech. But then if that was the case, then why did he actually feel better? Why did he feel like he desperately wanted to believe her, and to believe that these people here in this room might actually care about him?
"Thanks, Rachel. And thank you, Kurt," Dave said as he turned his head to face Kurt again, putting his free hand on top of Kurt's, which still rested on his arm. "Thanks, all of you, for taking me in, even after how I've treated you. I'll do my best to keep being the cooler person that I'm apparently getting a reputation in here for being, and I'll try not to be so touchy about stuff."
The singers demonstrated their approval of this, and got back to the matter at hand by practicing their new songs, Dave included.
The end of the day rolled around, and after Dave had visited his locker one more time, he began to head out of the building to his truck. As he was about to step through the front doors, though, he heard someone calling his name. He turned around to see Kurt jogging toward him. Smiling, he opened his arms wide and embraced Kurt as he wrapped his arms around him.
"Hey, babe."
"Hi there," replied Kurt with a slight whimper. "So can we knock off this whole thing where we tip-toe around each other at school already? I'm not sure I'll be able to keep from hugging you whenever I see you much longer."
"Heh, obviously. Yea, I just wanted today to...I dunno, to adjust to all of this. I figured it would be easier to deal with people's responses if they weren't staring at me AND you. But yea, everyone knows now, that's obvious. No reason to tone it down anymore."
"Oh, thank Gaga. I mean, it's not like I plan on ravaging you in the hallway or anything." Kurt blushed as he said this, and a peculiar expression crossed his face. It was like a mix of humor and embarrassment, but what it said to Dave was clear: Kurt was still very unsure about the more romantic elements of dating, and he'd have to take it slow with him. "Well...you know what I mean. I just want to, you know, be close to you."
"I got it, Fancy," Dave said, and then cringed, realizing the connotation that nickname might have for Kurt. "Sorry."
"Oh, no don't be. It's kind of...I don't know, sweet, in a weird way. I mean, the way you say it now. Obviously I wasn't fond it in the past, but when you said it just now, your tone was different."
"Oh, okay..." Dave replied, still a bit worried.
"Mmm, you give good hugs," said Kurt, as he readjusted his grip and his head on Dave's shoulder. Dave just realized at that moment that they were still hugging.
"Hehe, thanks...listen, though, much as we're both enjoying this, I should really get going. I'm supposed to meet Azimio and hang out for a bit today."
"Oh, alright," said Kurt, slightly disappointed as he released Dave. "I'm glad that you and he are friends again. I'm sure it hurts to think you've lost someone that you were close to over something you have no control over."
"Yea. I was really surprised, to be honest, but now it's just like old times. Well, almost."
"I'm glad. So I'll see you tomorrow then. Call me later," said Kurt. He looked around, and realizing that there was no one left in the halls, he stepped up on his toes a bit, leaned in and risked a peck on Dave's lips. Waving at the slightly stunned but grinning Dave, he rushed out the door and to his car, nearly skipping along the way.
Dave shook his head back and forth gently, finding what just happened silly and endearing and utterly wonderful. He turned and strolled through the doors and headed to his truck, where an obviously impatient Azimio stood with his arms crossed, tapping his foot.
"Hey, man. Where the hell have you been?"
"Sorry, I got, uh, caught up back there. Talking to Kurt."
"Talking, riiiight. Listen, I don't need any details on your love life, aight?"
"No, we weren't-" but Dave looked at the goofy grin on Az's face and realized he was just fucking with him. "Right, then. No kiss and tell."
"That's more like it. Now, where to?"
"Um, wanna go grab some Slushies and then head to my place for some Xbox?"
"Sure, works for me."
Half finished Slushies sat on the coffee table as Dave and Az started up a game of Call of Duty. It was like old times again, though Dave noticed that Az wasn't playing as well as he remembered, and it made him nervous. After he had killed Az more times than he could remember ever doing in the past, he finally decided to say something.
"Hey Az, you lettin' your game slip? You know, I may be gay, but you don't need to let me win or anything. I can beat you just fine on my own," Dave said jokingly, but he was worried that he might be right.
"Huh? Oh, no that ain't it, man. I just...I've been thinking about something since this morning."
Dave paused the game. Oh boy, he thought. Here we go.
"What's on your mind?"
"How was your day, Dave? I mean, did things go alright for you after the thing with Scotty?"
"Uh, yea I guess? I mean as it went as good as I could've expected, at least."
"That's good...that's good. How was glee club?"
"...good..."
"Cool. That's cool. You guys singin' anything good?"
"Az, if you still have a problem with me being in glee club, just say so."
"What? No man, it ain't like that."
"Then what is it? 'Cause you never had any interest in glee club before, except for picking on them with me."
Az paused, looking hurt by this last comment, or at least by the truth of it.
"Dave, have I done anything to them recently?"
"Uh, you knocked Kurt into the lockers on Friday."
"Oh yea...well, I mean, like, today? Damn, that sounds kinda shitty."
"Alright, Az, just spit it out. What's up? You're weirded me out."
"I wanna join glee!"
Dave didn't say anything. He couldn't. He felt like his voice box had been disabled. He just sat there with his eyes open wide and his lower jaw dangling.
"I just...I figured that if you can change, then maybe I can change too."
"Wait..." Dave found his voice again, perhaps because this was taking such a strange turn that the need for an explanation overcame his shock. "Are you telling me that you're—that you like—are you gay too?"
"What? NO! That's not...I'm not gay—not that there's anything wrong with that—I'm just, it's not like you have to be gay to join glee club, is it?"
"No, you don't...I'm just a bit confused Az. Don't you hate glee club? Glee's for losers, right? What about your rep?"
"What about your rep, man? You're in glee," said Az scoldingly.
"Yea, but I'm gay. I threw my rep out the window when I made out with Kurt Hummel in the hallway," Dave said, surprised to find himself chuckling a bit at himself.
"Yea, but man. You're cool. You ain't no loser. And you're in glee club. I just thought, like...you inspired me, man. You're just handling this like...like a man, Dave. You came out, you stood up for yourself, and you told all those fuckers at McKinley that you don't give a shit what they think, that you're still the same person, or that you're a better person. You basically told 'em to shove it and went on living your life."
"So...because I finally found my balls and faced up to what I am...you're, what?"
"Uh...I guess I'm like, proud of you, or somethin'," said Az, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck and looking at his Slushie on the table.
"Um, okay. Well, cool I guess," Dave said, unable to hide his smile. "But that doesn't explain why you'd want to join New Directions."
"Well, I guess there's no harm admitting it now, but..." Az looked around as if suddenly someone was going to walk into Dave's living room and hear what he was going to say. "I really kinda had fun doing the halftime show."
Dave let out a large laugh before he could stop himself. "You did?"
"Hey, shut up, man!" Az looked embarrassed, as if this was exactly what he was worried about.
"Sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm not making fun. Just surprised me is all. But then, I suppose we're both full of surprises lately."
Az relaxed at this, and smiled. "Heh, yea."
They sat in awkward silence for a while, neither sure of what to say.
"...so...glee, huh? Can you even sing, dude?"
"Can I sing? Oh man, you just wait 'till you hear me," Az said with a mischievous grin.