Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Chapter One- The List

Bella

As I was lying on my bed, studying the ceiling, trying to come up with a name, couldn't help but think I was going insane. The sex fantasies about Paul finally fried my brain, it was the only reason I could explain for coming up with a plan as insane as mine. Nevertheless, if I as going to have any kind of sexual activity this century, I was going to have to buckle up, and execute my plan.

As insane as it was, it was also very simple. Step up to one of the wolves, ask him a couple of questions about his love life -this was difficult enough without stepping on any toes- and ask him if he was interested in a little tutoring. He would have to have no attachments because asking one of the imprinted wolves was plain stupid; they would never betray their imprint in that way, even if it was completely harmless. I knew who the mated wolves of the pack were, but I didn't know about the wolves that imprinted but had yet to approach their imprint. The wolves didn't speak about a pack member's imprint until it was accepted. I was going to have to tread careful.

I made a list in my head.

SAM: has an imprint

JARED: Has an imprint (too bad that boy is HOT!)

QUIL: Has an imprint.

JACOB: No way in hell! First of all yuck! He's like a brother to me, regardless of how he feels. Second of all, the point to get advice on how to get laid and go home, not get advice and have a puppy dog follow you all the way home. Also, I'm pretty sure Jake's a virgin, and I need someone who knows what he's
doing.

Seth: Too young, and he is like the little brother I never had.

Collin: Virgin, hence no experience.

Brady: Virgin, hence no experience.

Embry: hmm maybe. But he is Jake's friend and since Jake thinks he's in love with me...it might be weird.

Paul: Asshole, experienced, hates my guts, hot as hell, and looks at me like he wants to bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me senseless. PERFECT!

I found my man. Paul! He was perfect; a loud mouth who can't keep his temper in check, and a womanizing son of a bitch. He would suit me just fine. Now all I had to do was find an opportunity to go to La Push and ask him. That was going to be more difficult than it sounded with my own personal warden eying my every move. Speaking of my warden... My phone began to ring. I immediately knew who it was when I heard the ring tone. YMCA by the village people, me and Emmett thought it was hilarious.

Three guesses who was calling.

I picked up the phone, with a deep sigh, knowing it would be yet another of our arguments.

"Hey Edward," I said in a cold voice. I was still angry with him, on account of the no sex policy he issued. Asshole.

"Bella, what do you think you're doing? You are not going to La Push, I won't let you!" He said in an angry voice.

"What the hell? How do you know I'm planning on going down to the rez? Are you spying on me or something?" I asked my voice tainted with anger.

To be honest it wouldn't surprise me if he was. He was probably hiding in a tree in my back yard right now, wearing camouflage.

Fucking freak. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I love his controlling ass.

"Well, my first clue was when I asked Alice to look in to your future to make sure you weren't up to something and she saw your future disappear. How do you think that makes me feel Bella? You know I don't want you to go down there. Those mutts are volatile and dangerous Bella. It's not safe!"

"You know what Edward. I'm sick and tired of your attitude towards me and the pack," I yelled.
"I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I don't need you or Alice to baby-proof my future for me. Damn it Edward, you're sucking all the fun out of living. Why can't you understand? I don't want to know what my future brings. Not if you keep holding it against me and keep treating me like a fucking idiot."

"Bella!" Edward interrupted, "Bella I'm only trying to keep you safe. You're too reckless, you don't understa-" There he goes again treating me like a child, not trusting me to make my own decisions.

I interrupted him, "Jesus Edward, I thought you would stop this? You promised me when we got
back from Volterra. No more lies, no more controlling me. We would start fresh with a clean slate. We would give us a fair chance. That includes sex, Edward, or did you forget that you promised me that I'd finally get to have sex with you," I said in a broken voice. I was so sick of this crap. It's always one step forward three steps back.

"Bella please, I'm only trying to keep you safe, love. Bella, I need you to understand the danger you're in by consorting with werewolves. But until you do I will do whatever I have to, to keep you away from them. I won't apologize for protecting you, Bella," He said in his superior (which is basically his everyday) voice.

"AARGH," I screamed, "Edward, I care about you, really do. But you're an asshole!"

"Bella that is exactly my point. Since when do you use vile language? It's all the fault of those dogs. They shouldn't be in the same vicinity of someone as delicate as you. They have a bad influence on you." He was annoying as hell but he was right. Not about the whole me being a delicate flower thing. FUCK NO! But I do use a lot of bad language lately. And that is a direct result of hanging out with the pack.
Those boys have some mouths on them like you wouldn't believe Jacob is the worse with Paul as a close second.

"So?" I asked."What's your fucking point?"

"Bella!" He scolded gently.

Motherfucker! It's like he's talking to a three year old.

"Look Edward, I don't wanna mess up the balance of your delicate nature, so I'm gonna take my dirty mouth elsewhere. I'll talk to you when you're ready to treat me like a grown up!" I said in a cold voice.

"Bella, wai-" I disconnected the call before he could say another word. I wasn't in the mood to listen to him.

"Fucking asshole," I muttered.

I went over the conversation I just had with Edward in my head. It didn't escape my notice that he didn't comment on the fact that he promised me sex. But he wasn't delivering. He side stepped that very nicely.

But if he thought I was just gonna forget about it he had another thing coming. My thoughts drifted back to my plan.

Shit, with that little pixie watching all my moves, I'm never gonna get laid. I sat down on the floor next to my bed. I needed a new plan.

I took my phone and dialed Jacob's house. Billy picked up after three rings.
"Billy Black."

"Hey Billy, it's Bella. I was wondering if Jake was around."

"Hey Bells, no he's not home, he's at Sam's."

"Oh OK, thanks. I'll try calling Sam then. Bye."

"Bye Bells."

I dialed Sam next. "Hello?" a man's voice answered.

"Hi, it's Bella swan, I'm calling for Jake. Is he there by any chance?" I asked.

"Sup leech lover!" the guy sneered. I immediately knew it was Paul.

"I'm good Lassie, how about you?" I asked in the same sneering type of voice.

He snorted. "Lassie huh? Good one," he laughed.

Before I could say anything else I was interrupted by a loud bellow.
"JAKEEEE!"

I startled and dropped the phone. "JEEZ Paul! Next time give me a little warning before you do that, I think you blew out my eardrum!" I said after I picked up the phone.

He laughed, "Later, leech lover."

Before I could say goodbye he gave the phone to Jake. "Sup Bells!" Jake answered in a happy voice.

"Hey Jake, I'm calling cause I desperately need your help. The warden has his sister on Bella watch and I wanna come down to the rez," I said, knowing I didn't have to say anything else.

"Say no more, Bells," he laughed. "So how do you wanna play it?"

"Just come and get me whenever. Don't tell me when just surprise me, as long as I don't see you coming she won't see you coming. I'm free tomorrow so I'll be waiting."

"OK, you got it. One prison break coming up," He laughed, "See ya, Bells."

"Bye Jake. Thanks!" I ended the call. Shit, I was really gonna do this. I was gonna ask Paul to teach me how to seduce Edward.

Oh my God. What if he laughs in my face? What if he doesn't? How far am I willing to go? The thought of Paul touching and kissing me had me panting.

Damn, I really need to get laid. Now I'm lusting after a freaking werewolf. Granted, a totally hot sexy and fuck-able werewolf, but still.

My other problem was how the hell am I gonna stay nice enough to him to be able to ask him a question like that? Usually the first thing he says to me pisses me off so much I get angry, and all of our previous conversations usually end in a screaming match.

According to Jake it's like watching TV. They even call our screaming matches a soap. They named our "soap" "The werewolf and the leech lover." They think it's very entertaining. They usually bring popcorn. Assholes!

I was gonna have to bite my tongue, whatever he throws at me. I'm gonna take it. I'm not gonna say one bad word to him, no matter how much I want to.

It's either that or die a virgin death. To be honest right now, I didn't like either option very much.

The next day I was on Jake alert. I knew he could stop by any second and I'd rather make a hasty escape without being caught by Edward. So I was ready.

I haven't spoken to Edward since our phone conversation yesterday. I was so pissed at him that I closed my window. I don't know if he stayed the night with me. He wasn't there when I woke up so I hope not. I hope that when he saw that I had closed my window, he respected my wishes and didn't come in my room. I highly doubted it though. That guy has deep seated boundary issues.

I was in my room trying to come up with a plausible explanation as to why I would wanna talk to Paul in private. So far I came up with shit.

I made a plan so I had to stick to a certain time table. If I wanted everything to go according to plan I had to ask him this weekend. I decided that if I didn't get the opportunity today I was gonna go to his house and talk to him tomorrow.

I was nervous as hell.

I heard the sound of a car horn. I walked to the window and saw it was Jake's rabbit. I knew I had to get going before Alice saw my future disappear and clued Edward in.

I ran downstairs, put on my jacket and ran to Jake's car. "Come on Bella move your ass!"

It was Embry sitting in the passenger side of the car. I got in the car and we got the hell out of there.

"Hey Jake, Embry. Thanks for getting me out of jail," I grinned.

"Any time Bells! You know we jump at the chance to screw with that leech!" Jake grinned back.

"Hell yeah!" Embry added giving Jake a fist bump.

"So what are we gonna do today?" Jake asked.

"I don't know. I thought we could just, you know... hang out with the pack, what do you guys wanna do?"

"Sounds like a good plan. Let's go to Emily's, I'm hungry!" Embry said while rubbing his stomach.

"When are you guys not hungry!" I laughed.

We made it to the reservation without any Edward incident and I thank God for that. If he had tried to stop me, I would have seriously considered asking Jake to eat him.

When we arrived at Sam and Emily's home, Jake parked the car. We got out and walked to the door. I was so nervous. I didn't know if Paul was gonna be there and I didn't wanna ask Jake because he would definitely make a thing out of it.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself what my goal was. I need to get laid and Paul is gonna help me, ergo be nice to Paul... no not nice just don't call him names. Don't scream at him, whatever he says bite your tongue and smile.

I can do this I thought; I can definitely do this. Jake and Embry stepped in the house yelling for food. I followed them.

My eyes immediately found Paul. He was eating (what else is new) like a pig. He was so hot! All I wanted to do is go to him, sit in his lap bury my face in his neck and lick him.

Lick him? LICK HIM? My lord in heaven it's happened. I've finally lost my mind. It's all Edward's fault seeing as how I'm sure it's a direct result of his no sex policy. Asshole.

Paul, feeling the intensity of my gaze, looked up. "Sup leech lover," he said, with this wicked mouth-watering grin.

Be nice, be nice, be nice, be nice.

"Up yours, cujo!" I replied.