DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight

Previously:

"Not having a pulse doesn't mean i I'm not gonna fuck him!"

"No apparently not, you freak!"

"Freak? Freak? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A FREAK YOU OVERGROWN MUTT? I'm not the one who changes into a fucking mutant werewolf the size of a horse!" I screamed.

"Yeah well ill take being a mutant freak, over fucking a corpse any day of the week." He screamed back.

"Fuck you, Beethoven!" I said.

"You should take your own advice leech lover!" With that last puzzling statement he got up and left."

Ooooh fuck! That did not go according to plan!

CHAPTER THREE

What The Hell Are You On?

Bella

After Paul left Emily and Sam's house, I asked Jake to take me home. After that cluster fuck of a conversation I had with Paul, I wasn't in the mood to be around people.

When I finally got home, I gave myself the chance to think about the conversations I had today, with both Edward and Paul. Regarding the conversation with Edward, I had no regrets none what so ever, the fucker needed a wakeup call. Or better yet shock therapy, he needed to wake the fuck up and smell the shit.

That's how Emmett always says it, anyway.

The conversation I had with Paul, well you can say I'm having mixed feelings about that one. I regret everything I said to him tonight. Not because I shouldn't have said them, but because I could literally see any chance in hell of ever getting laid, getting flushed down the toilet.

Fuck! I really screwed up that conversation and I went in all prepared and shit.

But if you think about it, it's all Paul's fault. That son of a bitch called me a necrophiliac way before ever called him a mutant.

And what the fuck was up with that last comment. Does he mean I need to go fuck myself, or him?

Whatever. All I know is, there isn't a snowball chance in hell that I'm ever gonna ask him for sex lessons.

He will probably laugh his ass off, no need to give him any ammunition to hold against me.

I am not going near Paul Meraz. Never, ever again!

The next day...

I was sitting in my car- my car that was currently parked in front of the house of a certain werewolf I vowed to stay away from- trying to muster up the courage to go knock on Paul's front door.

Yesterday things all seemed so clear. I made up my mind; I was not going to ask Paul to teach me about seduction.

I was gonna ignore his ass and continue treating him the way I always do.

This morning however, I was singing a different tune. The reason for my change of heart was very simple: I need to get laid.

I don't wanna die a virgin death. And with Eddie boy at the wheel, I was pretty certain I would become a virgin vampire.

If I wanted to experience having sex while I was still human, Paul was my only option.

Paul, being the man whore he is, fucked everything he could get his dick on...or in, would be more accurate.

That guy had a lot of experience and he is gonna share it with me whether he wants to or not.

I got out of the car and slowly made my way to his house.

This time I wasn't gonna fuck up. This time I was gonna be so sweet, he was gonna have a fucking tooth ache for weeks.

I took a deep breath, trying to slow down my pulse before I had a heart attack, and knocked on the door.

There was no turning back now.

I waited a couple of seconds and started knocking again. I heard the sound of someone cursing.

Oh God he was on his way, there was nowhere to run now. I took one last deep breath and told myself to man the fuck up.

The door opened with force. "What the fuck! I was sleeping!" he said rubbing his eyes.

God he looked good enough to eat. He wasn't wearing many clothes, but then again he never does.

It was obvious he just got out of bed in the buff and pulled his short on in a hurry.

His eyes widened when he saw who exactly it was that was disturbing his sleep.

Be nice, be nice, be nice! I started thinking like it was some holy mantra.

"What the fuck do you want, leech lover? If you're here to apologise don't bother. I don't take apologies from necrophiliac leech lovers!" He sneered.

"Apologise? Me? Why you motherfu-" I stopped that sentence before it completely left my mouth. Be nice, be nice, be nice.

Even if it kills me be nice. Think about having sex, finally getting rid of this sexual frustration that has been torturing my very existence.

I looked him in the eyes and smiled.

He gave me a shocked look.

"Are you...smiling at me?" he asked with an incredulous expression on his face.

"Yeah, I guess I am," I said turning my smile up a few notches.

"Well stop it! It's creeping me out!" he said looking uncomfortable.

My smile grew wider, this could be fun. My smile is having more of an impact then my insults ever had.

He was looking at me like I just grew a second head. Oh yeah, this definitely has potential.

He shook his head like he was trying to clear it or something. "What the fuck are you doing here anyway?"

Oh shit, I forgot. This was it. I was gonna have to humiliate myself in front of him and ask for his help in seducing my, no pulse dead as a doornail leech boyfriend.

Somehow, I had a feeling this conversation was not gonna go according to plan.

"Can I come in?" I asked, smile still in place.

"No! Now what the fuck do you want?"

I ignored him and walked past him.

"Fine, fine! Come on in whatever. Just... loose the creepy grin will you, you're really starting to freak the hell out of me," He grumbled.

I didn't want to because I really liked his reaction, but I turned the smile down a couple of notches. I did it all in the sake of getting laid, the things I have to sacrifice.

"So?" He asked.

"So, what?"

"So, what the hell do you want?"

"Ooh yeah umm right...um... Paul, I wanna ask you something."

After a couple of seconds he said, "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Well, what the hell do you wanna ask me? What is wrong with you? Are on something?"

"Yeah right...I wanted to ask you...wait. Am I on something? What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"I don't know! You tell me. I'm clearly not the one doing drugs, you are! Like being a leech lover isn't bad enough, you have to mess with drugs now? That stuff can kill you, you know! But I guess it doesn't matter for you since you wanna become Mrs Leech!"

Be nice, be nice, be nice. I smiled at him trying to compose myself, but my smile just seemed to fuel his anger.

"Paul why would you think I was doing drugs?" I asked nicely.

"Well I don't know! Maybe because you haven't stopped smiling since you got here? You haven't said one bad word to me, you haven't insulted me and you're actually being nice. What the fuck is wrong with you? And why the fuck are you here?"

I took a deep breath, resisting the urge to find something heavy and break it on his thick head. "Paul, listen to me! I am not doing drugs, OK? I just came here because I need your help with something. So, would you please just let me talk to you?" I asked, clearly exasperated.

"Mmmmkay...I guess?" he said uncertainly. He looked lost. The expression on his face, just made me wanna take him home and do naughty wicked things to him.

He looked so hot.

I took a mental note. I must not think about Paul that way.

He gestured for me to continue.

"So...urm... you heard that conversation yesterday right...the one I had with Edward?"

He nodded.

"Yeah...and... uhm," I stuttered.

"Would you just spit it out already? You're giving me a fucking headache!" He said while rubbing his head.

I gave him a glare, asshole.

"OK it's like this... I want to have sex with Edward bu-"

"WOW WOW WOW!" Paul interrupted me. "I don't wanna know about your deviant little sex fantasies; I would like my food to stay in my stomach, thank you very much!" He said while rubbing his stomach with a queasy look on his face.

That asshole!

"You listen to me Paul Meraz, your gonna let me finish a sentence otherwise I'm gonna torture your very existence by telling you -in detail- every sex fantasy I have ever had about Edward Cullen!" I yelled.

He paled in an instant. Yeah that's right you fucker, feel my wrath I thought with an inner smile.

"OK fine! Just say whatever you wanna say. Whatever the hell it is that has you in my house at this God awful hour, just spit it the fuck out already and then get the hell out of here!" He yelled.

"Fine you asshole, I want... no, I need to get laid. But my boyfriend being the frigid Puritan that he is won't touch me. So, I came to because you are the one that is going to make sure I'm going to get motherfucking laid. You got that?"

He looked at me with complete shock. He didn't say anything for only God knows how long. He just kept looking at me.

The only thought that was running through my mind was. Oh God! I think I broke him!

So... What do you think?

Stay Tuned...