I am getting addicted with writing this, but no matter how much I obsess about Victorious, it will never be mine... yeah... NEVER

"Anne, it hurts so much. Please, make it stop, please; I—" my breathe hitches, drowning in my tears as I search for Cat's face. She's looking down on me, horror in her eyes. I reach up; her hair looks like fire against my skin. I imagine burning in them and how painful it will be for her. I revel at thought of plunging myself in pain. Lately, it's all I've been thinking about. I should be shaking myself, telling myself to do something about it, telling me I should be afraid. I've put up walls all around me, even chained my heart, just to keep myself from ever being hurt. But here I am relishing what I am most afraid of. And what's more warped about all this is that I still don't even bother to care.

"I-I didn't mean to... oh my god, I'm so sorry," her tears fall on me, "I'm sorry; I can't make it stop. I'm so, so sorry, Jade," she whimpers, trying to find air. I drop my hand, fixing my eyes at the wall, looking at nothing, her tears falling on my cheek. I never thought these little droplets could burn so much. I don't deserve anybody's tears.

"Cat, you were supposed to call me Lea." We've been through this so many times but she keeps slipping out my name near the end. My eyes are already lined red from crying again and again. It's getting really frustrating and I just want to shake her.

"S-sorry, Jade," she sniffs, wiping her face with her hands, "I just can't help but think that you were really dying."

I get up from the bed, tying my hair up, "Pretend that I'm really Lea, the girl who cut you with words, who tortured you with humiliation, who used to be your friend, who you still cared for." I look back at her from my desk. "Pretend that she exists, that she exists as me, that I am not Jade but her," I hold her eyes intensely with mine. "I played with your feelings. Me."

She haunts my thoughts, lurking in every shadow, looking for the right moment to pounce. I shiver, not out of fear but in quiet anticipation, straining myself from turning around. I don't want to submit to her, to desire. Then she flickers in front of my eyes, embracing me then fades away into smoke, infesting my chest, my heart. I gasp, choking-in air. My ribs close in on me, piercing my lungs, rupturing everything it protects. I reach for it, searching for anything left to recover. Suddenly it's gone and I'm left craving. I'm left writhing, hating how much I want it.

She's holding something out to me, hands cradling it lovingly. "Take it," she says with soft smile. I look at her hands to see nothing. Take what? "Look; you can have it, just reach out and take it," she stretches out her arms, coaxing me, her smile turning wild. I find my hands inching closer. Between her hands, I see an... orange. "Take it." Then I see red.

"J-jade?" Cat's breath hitch and I'm thrown back from—where have I gone to? I see her face, my lips almost touching hers, my hand cupping her cheek. I freeze, my thoughts going into frenzy. Everything's rushing in at once.

Before I could react, Cat brushes my lips, slowly planting hers on mine. My back meets the bed, her hand caressing my cheek. No, no, not Cat. I push her off as gently as I could. Fumbling towards the far end of the bed, I helplessly look for an explanation for this all. How could I... Cat.

"Wha-what happened?" I ask her wide-eyed. She's as surprised as I am but she tries to answer. Nothing comes out. "Cat, what did I do?" I say more to myself, burying my face in my hands.

"We were rerunning through the scene and you suddenly stopped and—,"

"C-cat, it's my fault..."

I don't want to recognize it; doing so will only make it more real, harder to avoid. I'll drown until my body can't take it anymore, until it's all I have running in my veins. But I can't ignore it anymore, not after what I did. I've only had it twice but my body keeps demanding for it to a point that it pushed me, locked me out and almost taken Cat. It will destroy me; I know it. These marks prove it so. Nothing good will come out of it. I'll only lose Beck, the only one that I have, the one who I still desperately need to love me. I'll lose my only safety, the only one who's gentle enough to keep me in one piece. He's the easiest, most logical choice... the only choice. Nobody will take me as I am; no one will be as patient, as understanding. I owe myself to Beck.

There's this part of me that wants to stand at the edge, willing itself to fall with eyes closed. Maybe that's why I've always tried to provoke people. I want them to pull me down, to feel the cutting wind as I fall, to be shattered in pieces.

NO, I don't want that. I don't. I have to keep it together. I have to be angry. I have to be by Beck's side. But I'll just drag him down with me... No, no, I won't. He, he'll pull me up as he takes flight and he'll hold on tight. Come on, do you really seriously believe that? You're slipping as we speak.

Stop it.

I have to face it, her, Tori. There's no more room for revenge. I have to figure myself out. I have to figure her out.

A.N.: Do you know how much I tried to stop myself from adding that Cat part? How much I hated myself because I had to stop their kiss? Seriously, it was HARD—oh, did I just make a pun? Hehe...

Anyway, I think it worked though I maybe had just gotten myself into deep with all the problems I've been weaving in this fic... ugh.

I know it's short but please do review because reviews are cookies and I love cookies... and brownies.

To end this... please don't slaughter me... though flames do me good.