AN: Forgot to add a note to thank everyone for reading when I posted the last chapter, so thank you all twice for reading ! Special thanks to the few of you who took the time out to review. The comments help get me motivated to write when life gets a little distracting lol… I was having a block with the vibe of this for awhile and decided to mess with the style a little. Was trying to get in some action but I felt this was the best place in the timeline to give a little more background on Killer. So… one more slow chapter and off we go! Anyway, hope you enjoy. In chapter 6 they'll be out in the city and I'll start introducing some of the series regulars so stick around!

Chapter 5: "I'm Sick of Looking at Your Ugly Mug"

"There is a word for that kind of lie. Hope."

-Max Brooks (World War Z)

Killer eyed Rick up and down suspiciously before backing up against the door to let him pass. It wasn't meant to be but she used it as her sleeping quarters anyway. It had a hell of a lot more privacy than the cafeteria. All those lascivious eyes watching her every move like a piece of meat left her with a sick feeling in her stomach. She avoided that room as much as possible these days. The door actually dead bolted from the inside too, a major selling point and a rare find in prison. Then there was the familiar smell, which to anyone else would be nauseating, but only put Killer at ease.

It seemed less sterile, Rick noted, than it had earlier. She had clearly been sitting on one of the cots and the sheets looked noticeably disheveled in what was normally an extremely orderly room. There were several books open on the bed, though he didn't quite catch the subjects. Pencils and papers were strewn on the gurney he had sat on hours before. "What's the matter, don't like poker?" she quips from behind him.

Turning on his heels Rick smiles, "Never had much use for gambling I guess…" There was a pencil tucked behind her ear and her hair was loose. It served her well, made her look younger and softer almost. Without so many hard edges to hide behind she didn't look anything like the cold blooded 'killer' Rick was warned about. In fact she looked more like the kind of girl who could melt your heart with a kind smile and a soft laugh… If you got past the gun and all he laughed to himself.

The two stand there in awkward silence for a moment. She was waiting for him to get to the point. To see what he needed her help for. Rick was looking at her strangely instead and she suspected the others had told him about how they found her. Killer swore those guys gossiped worse than women sometimes. "Yes." She finally offers boldly.

"You don't know what I was gonna say?" he narrows his eyes at her. She knew exactly what he was going to ask. Obviously she'd have to be bright to be a doctor but she was more than just book smart he thought. Instead of responding she went over to the gurney and neatly stacked the papers in a pile, moving them to the cot with her books and replacing them with a blanket from the other cot.

Jumping up to sit on the counter she motioned for Rick to take a seat, which he did on the gurney across from her. "Just ask me already." She said cutting to the chase. Everyone always asked if she really did it. A few asked why, but dropped the subject quickly when she replied 'why, do you wanna be next?'. It wasn't her intention to scare people… well maybe a little. She just didn't see the point in making herself vulnerable, not when people were lost so easily and trust was so fragile.

Rick took a seat and cleared his throat. "Were you alone? Before they found you I mean?" A nod is all he got so he continues. "And the guy you shot, what did he do?" he asks, deliberately phrasing it just as she had said it to him earlier.

It was unexpected coming from someone else though. No one ever asked her that before. It almost made her smile out of sheer disbelief. She didn't though. The stern look on her face was frozen there from too much practice. Still there was something about him she liked. How gentle he was with her, and at the same time brave, without being wishy-washy or weak. The fact that he chose to keep wearing that ridiculous uniform even though its authority was nothing but a joke seemed almost honorable to her. Honor was like gas these days, hard to find and when you did there wasn't much of it.

She chose not to berate him for actually caring about what happened to her like she did the others. That didn't mean she was quite ready to spill her guts to the stranger though. "Let's just say he wasn't one of the good guys…" Killer said as she swung her legs on the edge of the counter like a child.

It was clear to Rick she was avoiding the question so he deftly tried to change the subject in an attempt to earn her trust. "What's all this?"

Just as he had suspected, her eyes light up at the question, "The wind." she says mysteriously. Rick only looked at her with confusion on his face so she jumped off the counter to grab one of her sketches. "Hoping we can set up some kind of turbine up on the roof and draw power to the generator in here." She starts, hopping up on the gurney next to him so he can see her crude plans.

"I'm a little concerned that the noise and movement will draw too much attention though. We're gonna have to do a quick test model somewhere within binocular range. See how the walkers react to it. I'm hoping if we paint it to blend in a little they will be curious at first and then ignore it but we'll see what happens..." She adds, handing the paper to him.

Rick looked over her plans thoughtfully. He was certainly impressed by her ingenuity but it didn't surprise him. The innocent quality in her voice when she spoke about it did though. It warmed his heart more than a few degrees. When she pointed to the drawing in her hand she even leaned into him a little. She was forgetting to be Killer and he used the opening to chip away at a little more of the wall she had up, "Did he hurt you?"

The abrupt change of course caught her off guard. She had to think for a second before she realized what he meant. He actually gave a damn about her and she didn't know what to do with that. "What do you think?" is all she could come up with.

He was getting somewhere with her though, finally. Looking up from the paper with tired eyes, "I think there has to be something you don't know how to do there wonder woman." he tells her with a chuckle.

Killer's head cocked to the side in genuine thought, "Well…I'm a terrible dancer… can't sing… can't cook for shit…" she begins to rattle off.

"Can't kill a man without feeling guilty about it?" he adds without thinking better of it.

She froze almost instantly. He had pushed just a little too far that time and as she shut down again it was almost audible, like gears grinding to a halt. Killer took the paper out of his hands and hopped back off the gurney, putting it with the others. "You said you needed my help?" she asks matter-of-factly, her arms folded across her chest, cutting to the chase again.

Rick nodded, he might was well ask. She had definitely warmed up to him some and he knew there was more to the flat 'no' he had gotten on the subject earlier. "The others, the people you save, where do they go?" he ventures.

She shrugged, back to being defiant "We tell 'em to get outta town. Stay off the roads. Avoid big cities. All the obvious stuff. Who knows if they listen or not…" she pauses thoughtfully, "I did run into this kid though, not too long ago. Said he had a camp in the woods outside the city with some people. Probably just a story, to make me think he had back-up in case I planned on taking his stuff though, ya know? I didn't give it much thought I guess."

"When was this?" he asks eagerly. Possibility rang in his voice. As if he believed he might actually find this guy and that he would know where to find his family. No one ever found the lost anymore though. It was a pipe dream. He was definitely still in denial Killer thought, that old familiar feeling. She had it once too. Only she knew exactly what happened to her family from day one.

She shuddered silently at the thought and tried to rub away the goose bumps forming on her arms in order to hide them from Rick. It didn't go unnoticed by his trained eye though. "Bout a week ago I guess?" she answers, relaxing a little.

Jumping off the gurney he grabs a paper and pencil, energized "Where?"

"You don't actually think you're gonna find him, do you?" she questions him, incredulous.

Looking up from the paper Rick deadpans, "Got any better ideas?"

She rolls her eyes and walks over to Rick, taking the pencil from behind her ear and drawing a quick map. "The department store is in a tough part of town. You'll never make it unarmed and alone…" she tells him, knowing what this would mean, for both of them.

"I made it this far didn't I? I'm not giving up now." He says with such confidence it makes her heart actually ache. It was strange to her, to meet someone still in the beginning stages of adjusting to the new world. He hadn't been jaded by the months of scavenging for food, living in fear and the heavy struggle of everyday life. Maybe, just maybe, there were good guys left after all.

Her voice softens to almost a whisper when she speaks this time, "The odds you know… they're astronomical. The sooner you accept that they're gone…" She felt horrible to say it but it was the truth. He knew it too. He just didn't want to admit it.

Rick stood upright quickly at that, "I'm not giving up on them. I can't. Without them… I don't… how could I..?" he choked up, his confidence wavering with each syllable. Before he could finish, his jaw tightened shut. His hands gripped the gurney, white knuckled, as he leaned back into it.

"How could you go on without them." she says without asking. She already knew the answer.

He shrugs, exasperated "I wouldn't know what to do with myself…" and it was the truth. Every part of his life that had once defined him no longer existed, like a sweater that had unraveled. His family was the only thread he had left to hold on to.

Killer laughs sarcastically, stretching her arms wide, "Look at me." He obliged but clearly didn't follow her train of thought. "No, really look at me." She says turning slowly with her arms up high.

Rick wasn't sure what he was supposed to see. He had noticed when they first met that she was fitter than average. Lightly muscled arms and a frame that was lean and feminine but still strong. He hadn't considered it was a deliberate effort until then though. As he looked her up and down he thought that she would actually be sort of pretty. If she were dressed differently and they had passed in the street he might have even given her a second glance. Boy would his partner Shane have a field day with that one if he knew, Rick thought. Shane was the bad boy to his straight man and things didn't often falter the other way.

Clearly he wasn't picking up what she was putting down. "Don't kid yourself. It's a war out there and this is my best weapon." She says, her words sounding almost cliché, "I turned my body into well oiled killing machine." Killer smiles painfully. "Just one of the ways I found to go on. You have to keep busy, find purpose in little things… I work out, the guys play poker but it's all the same thing. All a distraction from reality. Because if I really thought about it? Really pondered the weight of it? I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. I may not be 'hills are alive with sound of music' happy, but I am surviving." Killer adds proudly.

Is this what he had to look forward to… monotony and emptiness? He would rather be walker food. Rick nods sadly, "You forgot Stella."

"Stella." She laughs at hearing Honda's nickname. She had a little soft spot for the kid too. She looked out for him around the others since he was the low man on the proverbial food chain, which took on a sad new meaning these days. She never let him know it though; it was too risky... for both of them. "Exactly. It gets us through today. And in this world you can't ask for more than that." She says her resolve undeniable.

Rick only shakes his head, disappointed "And then what?" That couldn't be all there was.

"And then… I don't know, we have the windmill, and the filtration system for our water and… it doesn't really matter what as long as it keeps us occupied." She offers, knowing it was not what he wanted to hear. Not even close.

"And you're satisfied with that?" Rick pushes. He didn't even care if she got mad that time but she only found his determination admirable, sweet even. It wouldn't last though. It never did.

Without missing a beat she fires right back, "Satisfied? Are you fucking kidding me? I was happy before you know. I miss my life just as much as you do. You think you have the monopoly on that! I had nothing left. Not a single solitary thing from my old life. Only the clothes on my back and I tossed those long ago. For Christ's sake I can't even help those people wandering around like zombies out there." Her words are fast and angry, "I became a doctor so I could help people and now I kill them. How satisfied do you think I am?"

Instantly he regrets his choice of words, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply…"

"I know." Killer cuts him off. "They never do…" she adds absently. Rick rubbed his temples, his headache building with each new worry he added to his list. Killer walked over to grab the bottle of Vodka she had used to clean with earlier. Hopped back up on the gurney and took a long swig. "Forgot to throw you a welcoming party. Here, it'll help you sleep." She offers.

Rick shook his head without even looking. She pushed it closer and he decided he may as well. It burned on the way down and in some strange way it felt good, to feel something. He passes it back to her, "You're not so tough ya know, not really. You're just as scared as I am. Only difference is you're better at hidin it."

It was a pretty bold thing to say and had it been anyone else she would have decked them. Instead Killer laughed, so hard she almost spit out the vodka in her mouth. It made him laugh too but the moment faded quickly and they fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

Seemingly out of nowhere Killer starts talking, it seems like to herself at first "It was a second hand shop. Right on the edge of the town. They said to go to Atlanta on the radio, while it was still working that is. I'd been driving for a week trying to stay out of the city. Thought if I didn't run into anyone or anything I could just pretend like I was on a road trip, ya know? You could still find gas and food at the really out of the way places back then." She says, like it was a lifetime ago, before continuing. "I had finally worked up the courage to go into the city when I saw it. Figured it would be nice to have some clean clothes before anyone had to actually smell me..." She laughs but it only sounded hollow.

"Anyway, I started looking around when I heard a noise coming from behind the counter. I had a gun thank god, but I'd never fired it. I was shakin like a leaf but I held it up and walked around the counter. It was a man. He was lying in the ground like he was hurt but he didn't seem like one of them. When he saw the gun pointed at him and he begged me not shoot him I knew for sure he wasn't. As soon as I put my gun in my purse and bent down to help him though he jumped up and pushed me on the ground. Son of a bitch was pretending like he was hurt so he could pounce on me when I let my guard down." Killer shakes her head in disgust. Rick could already guess what was about to happen but he let her finish anyway.

"I managed to knee him in the balls before he did much other than grope at me. Tried to run away but he pulled a knife out and took a swipe at my back as I got up." Her eyes well up as she takes another swig of the bottle before passing it back to Rick. He wasn't surprised there was a story like this to explain her new found persona. It made sense to him. He nodded as reassuringly as he could but she didn't seem to notice, she was looking at a picture in her head he would never see.

Her voice never faltered as she spoke, never wavered. It belied the emotion in her eyes and the few tears that made their way down her face. "It's weird how you can feel stuff in situations like that. I knew it right away, it was gonna be him or me. I told him to stop right there as I tried to back out of the store. He called my bluff though and kept coming at me. I panicked I guess. I don't even remember pulling the trigger but he went down. Have you ever heard anyone get shot in the head before? It was a horrible sound. I swear I'll never forget it as long as I live… I stood there for what felt like forever. The shot got the boys attention I guess and they found me. What an idiot… I'm lucky I didn't get mobbed by walkers first. I didn't know any better then though… I still had the gun in my hand and I was terrified they would turn out to be just like him. So I made the decision… I was never gonna let anyone get one up on me again. And Killer was born." she says, finally breaking her gaze and wiping at the wetness on her face.

Rick couldn't help but care. It was in his DNA, why he joined the sheriff's office in the first place. He wished he could have helped her, that he could have helped all of them. He could barely help himself though. It was an agonizing feeling to be powerless and he understood her pain in a way he never would have before his world fallen out from under him. He also knew he couldn't say or do anything to make it better.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." is all he can think of to say. The only response he got was a shrug and a heavy sigh from Killer. "Didn't your mother teach you any manners? A thank you would do just fine." he chastised her with a smile.

Killer's posture straightened immediately. He mother had taught her manners but she hadn't had much use for them these days. "Yes sir, she did." she says as a big grin stretched across her face. She hadn't called anyone sir in a long time but as soon as he had mentioned her mother she couldn't help herself. The fact he had put her in her place like that amused her more than she thought it would have. "Thank you." She whispered, almost sheepishly, as an afterthought.

"You're welcome." Rick smiles back with satisfaction, nudging her good naturedly with an elbow to the ribs and a wink. It had been a very long time since anyone had dared to wink at her, let alone a man. After being starved for months she bloomed from the positive attention.

It may have only been the alcohol but Rick felt his stomach flutter for just a second. Guilt followed soon after. Was he really flirting with a woman that wasn't his wife? Then again, at least she appreciated it; his wife didn't seem to care much anymore. Maybe that vodka was a bad idea after all he thinks before returning his attention to Killer. "You can ride with me tomorrow. I'll take you to the store to look for that guy. Or wherever, you know… you wanna go…" she offers in what was about the nicest thing she could think of to repay his kindness.

He hadn't expected that. Rick was relieved at the thought that he wouldn't have to go it alone though, well not entirely at least. He did want to go check out the department store but first wanted to get his bag. The guns were going to be crucial obviously but the walkie-talkie was more pressing at the moment. He had to warn Morgan, the man who had saved him days before, that Atlanta had fallen. As were most of Rick's intentions, it was just the right thing to do.

"Thank you ma'am." He says, turning to face her with a nod. "I gotta confess I have a secret though." He ventures, hoping he wouldn't regret trusting her with his only bargaining chip.

Killer arches an eyebrow way up with a smirk, "I'll just bet you do." They may have been innocently playing at it before but now it was unmistakable. The air in the room quickly charged full of electricity. It made Rick nervous and she could read it on his face.

"I, uh, have a bag. By the tank where you found me. Dropped it in all the commotion. Got some guns, ammo and stuff I could really use before I head out…" he says with a more serious tone than he had taken with her since they met.

She couldn't hide her surprise as her eyes grew as big as saucers. "Well I'll be damned." Killer drawls, jumping off the gurney and swatting him in the chest playfully. "You're a sneaky little devil, aren't you?" the genuine surprise and delight in her eyes was endearing.

Rick shrugs, "Not sneaky… just careful. I haven't told the others and I'd be much obliged if we could keep this our little secret."

She nods, a serious tone washing over her as well. "You go it cowboy." Killer remarks, her statement punctuated with a wink that disappeared as quickly as the twinkle in her eye did. She didn't want him to think she was throwing herself at him. She just enjoyed the back and forth. Something as simple as a stimulating conversation made her feel normal, for a little while at least. She was clinging to that feeling more than she was to him in particular. Although, clinging to him would not be such a bad thing, she thought. Not bad at all.

"Well, I better head back… Don't want them to send out a search party for me or nothin." Rick joked. Part of him didn't want to leave. Despite the awkward tension in the room he still felt relaxed there, like he could forget what was happening for awhile. In the cafeteria his already frayed nerves felt like they were always on edge.

Deflated, she nods in agreement, "Come by before breakfast for those meds, you'll need to take them with food."

"What are we gonna do about tomorrow?" he asks her. Rick had gotten the okay to go tomorrow but he still wondered if the logistics would be in their favor or not.

Killer nods in understanding "If I say you're ridin with me, you're ridin with me…" She didn't have to ask twice around here. No one liked her but they did respect her. There were never questions with her, just statements. This was what she was doing and this was how and they could follow her or get out of the way. Those who followed lived longer so it had become the more popular option.

Rick heads for the door with that, "Thanks Doc." He had gotten what he came for and then some. There was a sudden numbness coming over him and he wanted to try to get some sleep while it lasted.

"You're welcome cowboy… Just do me a favor, d-" Killer jokes before being cut off.

He rolls his eyes at her and teases back, "Don't tell them you were nice to me, I know. I'll say ya roughed me up and chased me outta here. You're secret's safe with me."

She smiles, biting her lower lip as he reached for the door "Night."

"Night" he says turning back one last time before he leaves. When his eyes meet hers though, they lock like magnets. As much he knows he should, he can't look away.

Killer opens her mouth to say something but her breath only catches. This feels like a first date and it's the end of the night and they're standing on her porch each waiting for the other to make the first move. She decides it's going to be her, "Go on now; I'm getting sick of looking at your ugly mug." Killer shoos him off with her hands but there was a devious smile on her face.

Rick grins at her and nods before shutting the door behind him. He paused before heading down the hallway though. He felt it, a connection between them. He still wasn't sure how he felt about it but he knew he liked her all the same. Looking at the door one last time he sighed and shook his head. There was a bed with his name on it and a family that needed finding. Anything or anyone else would just distract him from his purpose. Rick heads back to the cafeteria with new found resolve… and hope.