Okay, the previous 2 chapters sucked... I need my sugar rush, my self-induced Muse. adsf;lkj!

I ran out, away from Beck, away from his worried eyes, even as he tried to call my name, to ask me what was wrong. I left without saying anything, letting the orange in my hand fall. I don't care where my feet are taking me; I don't care how much my legs are numbing. I can't take the guilt constricting my heart when I remember that I have Beck, only Beck. What's worse is that I hardly remember him. I can barely recall his touch when it was just a while ago that his lips touched mine. I keep forgetting how his hands felt all over my body, how his voice sounded like, how he tasted in my mouth. I find myself straining to remember the two years we've been together. All that's been going through my mind was the taste on my lips that haunts me. I had to get away.

I don't know how long I've been running, how long my body was screaming for me to stop. I just can't even if darkness has painted itself on the sky, even if all I feel is the cold air creeping under my skin, into my lungs. All I do is breathe hard, silently wishing for my heart to freeze, for my sake, for everybody's sake.

I thought I could make everything better or at least back to the way it used to be. How wrong I was. I can't trust myself anymore. I should have listened to myself when I knew I was slipping, spiralling out of control.

I... I let her do it to me again, this time without even a fragment of resistance. I clung to her while she left fresh marks on me, indulging me with the sting of pleasure. I welcomed everything with weak arms struggling to keep her close, to have her push me, to rationalize my impulses. I tried to understand, between blurred thoughts, my hands fumbling on her neck, my lips searching for hers, why I... why she... Then she left me cold, without even glancing back and I didn't even care. I felt nothing after but the sting on my skin and my knees weakening. I understood nothing.

I could've done something then but, now, I can only make things worse. No, I... I can run away then... then—

Are you stupid? You make me sick. Look at yourself. You don't know what you're doing anymore. Get a grip. Either give-in and break everything around you or move on—she touched you; you liked it, end of story. No one has to know. No one will know.

Right, no one has to know. No one has to know...

"Jade, what are you doing here?" I turn around, smiling, knowing full well who it was. His brows furrow, "You just left like... I thought you just wanted to be alone—." I walk up to him, grabbing his collar and kissing him softly.

"I just went out for some air," I lean back, seeing the confused smile on his face.

"But you're—." I shush him, arching an eyebrow at him; a wider smile spreading on my lips. I need to rinse myself of the taste on my lips even if that means that I use Beck.

"We should hang out in your RV," I trace his lips with the tip of my finger. A grin starts to spread on his face but I can still see his eyes suspecting, calculating, figuring me out. Right, I am using him like I've have all this time. He should know after all this time, even if I do love him.

I lie awake, resting between his arms, listening to the steady beat inside his chest, all the times I used to watch him like this coming back to me. I nuzzle closer, splaying my hands over his exposed abdomen, feeling the muscles tighten under my fingers. How could I even do something that will mean losing moments like this, moments that are so real, moments that don't just feel right but make sense?

I wanted to remember his touch, the nights we spent, drowning in one another. Nothing happened between us. He knew what I wanted but he also knew what I needed while holding me tight in his embrace all night, soothing me with whispers I can't make out. I felt like a child. I always do when I'm around him. He gets me; that's why I love him... Do I really— Yes, I love him.

It was stupid, really. He would've smeared off the makeup on my skin. I wasn't thinking right even when I really thought I was.

He leans into me, chin resting just atop my head. I could hear his breathing; I can feel it down my neck and I shiver. I want him to touch me more. I want to remember more, to burn everything permanently in my memory. I—No, he can't see.

I have to leave.

I pick up my purse from the floor, stopping to look at my reflection. I see someone on the other side of the mirror, smirking at me, eyes glinting in the darkness. I lean closer, studying her, telling myself that I don't see anyone else there but me. And then she's gone like a thin column of smoke from the cigarette that I swore I won't ever use again.

I stare at the stick, flicking it between my fingers. I tried so hard to get off of it and I have for almost a year. I don't know how to deal with everything, even Beck didn't work.

I take another drag remembering the time when Cat caught me, wide-eyed and disgusted. She acted like it didn't bother her and I felt so guilty. I never did see anything wrong with it. I mean, we all die in the end. It's my life, my choices. But I had to stop, or else I'll lose Beck. Like now, I have to stop and crush this thing and pretend it nothing happened or else I'll lose Beck.

I hold out my hand against the night sky, watching the cigarette stick burn away into smoke. I smile. I can stay like this, feeling the universe float around me, my back on my car roof beside a cliff, overlooking Hollywood. I don't have to stop yet, not yet. I want this, I have to have this no matter how selfish and destructive it may seem. No one will know; I just have to be careful.

I get up, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket.

"What did he taste like?" -Tori

"Nothing like you." Send.

A.N.: I think I found my muse again... in the form of rest, music (Up Dharma Down and Nine Inch Nails), and sugar! And of course reviews from you guys... I'm just hoping that my muse won't leave me again like she always does...

Somewhere between learning to play "Blackbird" and eating oranges, I finally get a review (review whore alert!). I want to hug you! I would if I could. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Without reviews from you guys, I don't think I could post anything this week.

Maybe from now on I'll go on my "turtle" mode... I write better this way, I think.

Please tell me what you think. I know, I'm skipping out on details about you-know-what *wink* maybe I'll get to more intense scenes laterrr...

And because of that, please don't slaughter me (I know it doesn't make sense. Just go with it.)