I am laaaaaate, sorry about that. Oh and I am sorry too because I don't own Victorious. Shouldn't everyone be sorry that they missed like five-seventeenths of their lives?
She's leering at me from their table and nobody even notices—which is good. But, still, why doesn't anyone notice? I stab another piece of lettuce on my plate, my eyes rolling to one side to see Beck, his arm on my shoulder.
Somehow, Beck didn't even protest when I said I wanted to have lunch with just the two of us. He even smiled and steered me to a table himself. He's been smiling at me whenever I meet his eyes and I try not to shrink. Guilt it a bitch but… I look at Tori and somehow it seems better to dive in it like the nicotine still fresh on my lips from this morning.
"Why so happy?" I examine Beck closely, leaning in, painfully burning under the warmth of the light in his eyes. I used to love staring at them, feeling all the love I needed—need. They're still the same if not more adoring but I strain just to look at any part of him.
"Nothing special, I just am. And why not?"I see a tiny crease between his eyebrows and I reach out, smoothing it under my fingers. His smile grows warmer, and I feel a thousand pins stabbing at my chest. He leans down and kisses the edge of my lips his thumb on the other. I almost can't breathe—another million. I missed this for a while but I don't feel the same especially when I know she's watching, especially when I keep forgetting about him.
"Hey, can we sit with you guys?" I look up and see Andre with his food, Robbie beside him.
"It stinks back there. Apparently someone decided to puke in the lunch area," Robbie adds, stumbling on his feet though he was already standing.
"Watch it, you dumb-ass. I almost had my face planted," Robbie slaps himself with Rex's hand and apologizes, dusting Rex's clothes. Seriously, the kid needs professional help. I can certainly volunteer burning Rex but, then again, misery's a company like he has Rex. Yeah, I won't. It's fun that way, more misery for him.
Tori walks over with Cat trailing behind her, hiding. She's twisted back, whispering something to her, fingers almost tangling in Cat's bright red hair. I get sucked back, gut wrenching and I swallow, licking my lips between my teeth.
"Jade?" Beck looks at me, his eyes asking. I don't answer. I can feel my skin crawling. I don't know what to feel when both Beck and Tori are around me, especially with Cat here. I just had to mess around with the same people who I can't avoid being around all at the same time, hadn't I?
"There're no more tables around. Can we please sit here?" Tori sits, almost beside me, pulling Cat to sit on her other side. I press harder, scooting closer beside Beck. I have to move away.
"Go ahead," Beck chuckles seeing them already making themselves comfortable.
"Why so quiet, Jade? I don't know why but I'm kinda waiting for some kind of an insult," Robbie leans over the table, his hands on the edges, ready to spring back.
"Because I don't talk to people like you; I avoid it as much as possible," I glare at him, stabbing my plate, the plastic screeching. He pushes himself up, almost falling of off the bench, hands in front of himself.
"See, I told you, it's your fault why these things happen to you," Andre points a fork at Robbie, his eyebrows pulling down while he tries swallowing the food in his mouth.
"No, he's just thick," Tori adds flatly while looking me, the corner of her lips turning up. I stare back, resting my head on Beck's shoulder. "What's with you guys being all touchy-feely anyway?" she says, on eyebrow slightly dipping.
Why are you so touchy-feely with Cat?
I open my mouth but…
"I don't really know."
…Beck beats me to it.
I shut my mouth suddenly feeling Tori's fingertips ghosting on mine. I look at her in the eye, searching for something I don't even know what, and then she turns away.
"Cat, do you like oranges?" She goes rummaging through her bag.
"I haven't eaten oranges since the time I saw this picture with worms and holes and skin," Cat explodes, tongue sticking out, gagging. She really is a good actress or maybe just too easily distracted, or detached.
I haven't been able to do anything about what I did. She's been hanging too much around Robbie and even more with Tori and somehow it really bothers me more than it does when Robbie's trying to take advantage of her. But I guess, staying away from her is the best… for now.
"Here," Tori peels it in her hands and I look away, contemplating if I should leave. Too much is going on, and I can't pretend that nothing's wrong; at least, I can't just this time.
"Well, Jade likes oranges."
I snap my head back, hearing what Tori just said. "I never said I like oranges," I spit out impulsively and the whole table just stops completely. Nobody tries to speak. They know better than to ask about anything. I'm sure Beck will but he won't even try right now.
"But you seemed to like it, more than you liked coffee," she put on a confused expression, being the Tori that they know.
I stand up, "I'm going ahead," I kiss Beck on the cheek, my hair covering my eyes. He holds up, talking my loosely.
"I think you should," he lets my hand slide down as I make my way into the building, hearing his voice really soft, caring, understanding—almost like a cure. He has been for more than two years… at least, I thought he was.
The doors swing close behind me, finally shutting up the chatter out there and I exhale, my back finding the wall on my side. But it still won't shut up my whole body. I swallow, my heart beating in my ears, my gut squeezing air out of my chest, a thousand needles pricking on my skin, static buzzing in my head.
It's been two months that I've been in this… thing. It's so twisted that I can't even begin to understand her or why I'm doing this. She fucks me. I let her. She gets a kick out of it. I get what I want. There, it's simpler when you look at it that way. And every time, she leaves marks like she has to and I don't even know how my body copes with them but they disappear though not as fast as she does. After getting what I want, I don't feel anything; it's as if I'm empty, like I've been used, sucked dry. It's funny, really; I'm the one using here… at least I think I am.
But I still want it, despite…
She's right I do… more than coffee.
I thought I can deal with this; I've tried to convince myself that this is okay as long as nobody finds out, as long as I get what I want. Now, I realize, this is… I may be in too deep.
Nobody will find out. Cool it and you'll be fine.
Right. I need a smoke.
A.N.: Just to make things clear, I don't smoke nor do I encourage it, ever. And, yes, I can't stop the confusion.
I know you don't like fillers but… I don't too but that doesn't mean I hate them. So please drop a comment/review while not slaughtering me in the process though critical-critical insights are HIGHLY wanted.