"Earth to Jade."
"Quit wiggling your hand in my face," I swat it away, looking far off down the hall.
"Okay," the hand drops, "but you're spacing out and you never space out so I—"
"I'm not spacing out," I say glaring at the obnoxious existence beside me, "and who gave you the permission to even stand near me?"
"I asked Beck the other day," Sinjin smiles, twisting like he's squeamish or something. "Should I kneel?" and he does so.
"Well," I look down at him, "tell Beck he won't get any for the rest of the month."
He nods furiously, hair flopping over his glasses, still on his knees like a little puppy that I just want to kick so badly.
"Oh," I stop halfway through a step, looking over my shoulder, "and stay like that for the rest of the day and, who knows, maybe you'll get a lock of my hair or," I look down at my hand, "this coffee cup after I'm done with it."
"Y-yes!" Then a bag hits his face as a student passes by him. It's great to be worshipped. I walk away, cradling my bag on my shoulder.
"You're not really gonna give him a lock of your hair, are you?" Robbie jogs up beside me, hand up his puppet.
"No," I answer, sipping at my coffee. I've been drinking a lot of it lately.
I still can't taste her.
"That dude is weird," Rex says, Robbie's lips moving with his.
"You make me laugh," I turn, meeting Robbie's smug smile, "and you're not funny. After Sinjin, you're probably the most disturbed person at this school."
"Whoa, scary," the puppet moves and I smack it.
"If that puppet won't shut up, I'll cut its fingers one by one and rip its limbs off." All I taste are coffee and smoke.
"Bitch—" Robbie covers the puppets mouth, ducking then leaving nervously.
"Two or, should I say, three in a row, wow," Tori pushes herself off her locker, the usual smile on her face.
My lips twitch, aching to touch all of her. I want her so bad it hurts. It hurts that I can't have her, that I have to keep pretending that nothing ever happened between us. She said to stop and she did—we did that very night a month ago. I don't have anything left of it but a thin white scar on my shoulder that's barely even there. I touch it every night, every time Beck touches me on his bed. I feel like I'm carving myself hollow because she ran too deep under my skin and I have to fill myself with Beck again to survive. Sometimes I just want to convince myself that this is a nightmare that one day I will wake up from and be in her arms the night before she sent me spiraling further, before she said that we needed to stop. But that isn't me…I will never turn into such a pathetic existence.
"You're talking to me," I say like she shouldn't. The pain grows each day, every time I see her. I'm sick of it, sick of hanging on to every strand she leaves, to every moment I see her. I'm sick of feeling pain and I want to hide away behind the walls I've let crash down around me. But I can't, she won't let me. I won't let me.
She blinks, "How can you always be that…grouchy every morning?" her eyes narrowing. She's doing it again and she's so damn good at it, mocking me, pretending like she knows nothing, crawling into my nerves.
"Good morning!" Cat chimes, walking up between us, beaming brighter than the sun. Somehow the hardness building in my chest melts a little, just enough for me to breathe, not to boil over. I want Tori, I admit that, but I can't ignore the pain she gives me especially when I see that behind her eyes, she…doesn't care.
"Hey, Cat, what's that?" Tori greets her with a cheerful ring in her voice. I see Beck; he waves to me and joins the two of them, looking at what Cat has in her hands. I lean on his back, sucking in air, filling myself with his scent. I tune out the rest of their conversation. I don't need Tori, I just need Beck and that's enough, no complications just—
I open my eyes, smelling wildflowers and oranges. Tori's standing in front of me, watching, and peeling an orange in her hands.
"Cat brought it, loads of them actually," she smiles and it reminds me of that dream before I kissed Cat—was it a dream? "You want some?" she asks, taking a piece and holding out to me. I don't nod but somehow she holds it against my lips and I open them without any reluctance. She smiles again, tilting her head to the side, her finger almost touching my lips.
"That was…weird, weird and hot," Andre says, coming into view from behind me, eyebrows knitting. I growl, pushing off of Beck's back.
"What was weird and hot?" Beck turns, Cat peeking over his shoulder.
"I just handfed Jade an orange slice," Tori grins, acting as if she'd won something.
"I want one too!" Cat skips in front of me, tip-toeing up Tori who then feeds her a slice.
"Now, that's cute," Andre nods, popping a piece of the fruit into his mouth.
Beck puts his arm around me, laughing lightly at the others as they fling orange peels at each other. He looks at me and smiles, kissing my forehead. I don't know how Beck does it, how he shrugs off his suspicions about me and Tori like he programmed himself to think otherwise because it's just too ridiculous to even begin to think of, right? He let me go at the time when he could've pried me open and seen the horrible things I've done to him. Maybe he loves me too much, or maybe it's just pride—no he's not that guy. He's my safety net and god knows I want him to be more than that, not because it'd be easier that way but because he deserves it. I kiss him on the lips, silently repeating 'I'm sorry' again and again.
My mouth tastes like her again and I don't know how my heart does two things at the same time—it breaks into pieces and flutters like a million paper cranes. I burn them down with the taste of coffee so that this thing in my chest breaks harder in the ashes. It's better this way.
::
Last period and all I've been doing is burying myself next to Beck and forcing myself to look at nothing and not at Tori. I've been digging my fingers into my palm too much and it's starting to hurt. I focus at it, not wanting to feel anything else as Tori glances at me.
"I love you but I can't…" she looks back at Robbie, "I can't turn my back on everything for you."
"But you can because I'm ready to leave behind anything for you," he touches her face and I close my eyes. "Don't look away…"
"Please don't do this. I—"
"And scene!" Sikowitz shouts from the back and my eyes shoot open only to meet Tori's. "No kissing today, kids."
She smiles, licking between her lips as she looks away—another strand. I don't know what she wants from me. Is this just her, slipping off her mask and missing who she was? I refuse to be her plaything.
"But I do have another assignment for you guys—"
I tune out the crazy instructor as I run my hand across the scar on my shoulder. I can still remember each part where she left marks on me but I can't remember where Beck touched me last night—all a blur. I keep comparing them both and it makes me hate myself more than I already have since the day Tori showed me a side of her that she tried to bury. I thought I could forget the guilt but it came rushing back, pouring over me.
"…Jade and Tori. Pair up!" Sikowitz claps, moving up front, hands on his hips.
I look around me and everyone's moving from their chairs. Tori sits beside me and I can't read her face. Beck gets up, sighing. The bell rings. "Remember, it should be a love story… well, not a story but a scene and no complaining about your partner. See you next week."
I stand, picking up my bag. I have to do a scene with Tori, Tori fucking Vega, and it has to be a love story… I make my way out the classroom, hand gripped tightly on Beck's.
A.N.: Give me some slack… I forced this one out for you guys even when one of our kittens died…actually two of them already did and I'm going through a writer's block.
So any way, please review and maybe I'll get the next chapter up sooner..
No slaughtering (it doesn't feel the same though).