Disclaimer...is there really a need?
It scares me that I can let myself be like this, like a puppet suspended on strings, letting the world steer me along as I push away the reasons why I should and shouldn't be here making my way up the stairs to Tori's room. It's better to think of nothing else but my breathing and the air around me. But no matter how I try to push away all thought, my heart keeps beating on, reminding why I'm really here—youwantthis. I keep listening to it rather than I should the saner part of me that I know is screaming hell—she'sgoingtonbreakyou.
Her door opens and I see her teeth glint in the dim light of her room. She's holding the door, biting her lip, keeping her eyes set on the carpeting between our feet. This is the last chance, the last window I can jump off to ditch her and just forget about the scene altogether, to keep my exposed heart safe from her, from myself. But from how high I've gotten, will I even survive the fall; will I even hit the pavement? I may already be falling but for a very different reason altogether.
Slowly, her eyes trail up to meet mine and I know we both know that when her door closes behind me, everything that we've done could come crashing back, exploding worse than it had before.
"Aren't you gonna let me in or do I have to push past you?" I know what I have to do even if the wall I put up can crumble anytime… at least I can tell myself I tried no matter how weak and pathetic that sounds.
Her face shifts into something I've grown familiar with—something that, deep down inside, I missed. "Don't make me hate myself more than I already have," her teeth clench. It should scare me how similar we are but, as crazy as it sounds, it excites me.
"Oh, we don't want that," I say, taking her hand off the door knob.
"Let's just get this over with and move on," she sighs, slipping out of my grasp and stepping aside to let me in.
"Why?" I reach for her hand again lightly.
"Because we need to," she steps back and my grip tightens around her wrist.
"And what is it that we need to do?"
"Jade," she glares at me, words sharp enough to cut through flesh but what's another scar when you've already bled dry?
"Tori," I reply, stepping closer, swinging the door shut behind me.
"Jade, stop," she pulls free, moving away from me, a hand on her forehead.
"Then tell me why you stopped." I can hear them, my walls crumbling and she didn't even have to do anything—so effortless.
She looks up, worry slipping off her face. She smiles, "You took all the fun away from it."
I don't even know which Tori I'd believe in, which mask she's putting on.
"Well at first it was to mess with your head but the rest was for…fun," she adds, smile growing wider and I never knew my heart could break any further.
I laugh. It's like that day she told me it was all a sick joke but this time it hurts so much I can't even begin to numb the pain—tears won't even fall. I want to bleed, be cut open, whatever—just take this pain away. I should've believed what she told me before.
"Okay," I look up, eyes stinging. I won't cry. I will not lose the last sliver left of my pride. "What did you have in mind for the scene?"
::
"I-I don't care if you're a girl. I don't even care if I have to share you with him. I just—please…" Tori falters, hair curtaining her face, hands gripping on my shoulders.
"I can't give you what you want," I answer, voice almost breaking from the irony of it all—the walls are laughing at me. This is torture.
"I know it won't be easy…" she looks up, "but I just can't give up on you," and for a moment I almost believe that it is her talking, begging.
"Look, let's just forget about this…" I cup her face and something in her eyes flashes, freezing me for a moment but I continue, "…and move on, Janey. We'll grow out of it, I promise you."
I've let the window close, away from the ledge but I'm still falling. How fun
"Do you think this is just a phase?" she shakes me, voice cracking. "Do you think this is easy? Do you think I don't get hurt hearing you say that? Do you know how much it hurts to see you with him?"
Tears start falling on my hand and I pull it away only to replace it with my lips. This isn't supposed to be happening, this wasn't part of any script but she accepts my lips. I can taste her tears but above all else I can taste oranges and I never thought I'd be desperate for the taste of some fruit. But this isn't some fruit. This is Victoria Vega and she's all that I've been craving. I pull her close and she breaks away with a breathy laugh.
"That was good. We should add that," she claps, flipping pages in her notebook.
"No," I say, watching her look up from her bed. "No." Stop pretending. Stop hurting me. Stop hurting yourself. "You want me."
She smirks. "Seriously, Jade."
"Stop fucking with me and tell me what you really want to say because I can't take your bullshit anymore!" I can feel every bit of me shaking in anger—almost in fear of exposing myself, of the what-ifs.
She looks up from her notebook, "How many times do you want to hear it from me?" She stands, but she doesn't look at me and I know, I know I'm right because she's wavering. "I don't feel any pleasure breaking you like this…when I—after how hard I've tried to fix myself."
"Oh, so that was just you slipping? How convenient that it happens just with me. I said, stop the bullshit." I need to keep pushing her, prying her open even if I have to use these claws that have grown dull, too tired of it all. I know she's hiding behind the person that she was, denying what I know she feels.
"I know what I do to you, Jade. I'm not blind. I wanted to stop because I'm scaring myself. I'm a bigger monster than I thought I was. I'll just tear you to shreds." She keeps looking down, hands creeping up her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin.
I move closer to her, "Let me prove it to you," I say barely above whisper.
She laughs softly. "Prove what?"
It is funny. It's funny that let ourselves hurt, denying ourselves of the cure that's right in front of us. It'll hurt like a syringe plunging straight into the heart but that doesn't mean the pain from it will never go away.
"That you want me as much as I want you."
I know, I've said it a million time but I'm sorry Beck.
A.N.: Coffee, why do you make me sleepy?
I don't know why, but no matter how many times I rewrite and edit this chapter, I'm still not satisfied with it…and there's this one line that I just can't get right.
Anyway, I can feel that the end is really near…
Oh! Please review (should I do it? yeah) and no slaughtering (favorite word, you know).