Chapter 8: Tired of Heartbreak

It's been two weeks since Adam last talked to me, he probably still feels awkward about the whole sex thing, but maybe he should open up his fucking eyes and think about what I'm feeling. I mean sure he doesn't quite know, but c'mon, it should be obvious enough! I mean c'mon, he seriously couldn't have thought that I didn't mean it when I said I loved him, I'm not fucking confused, I know how I feel, and I know what I want! But it doesn't really seem like Adam does.

I mean seriously, he tells me he loves me, but doesn't mean it? Then he goes off saying that I'm confused and don't love him that I'm straight and he's gay. Um news flash Adam, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm fucking bi! Yeah I don't know if you really care, but yeah I am in love with you, I'm not fucking confused. I sigh loudly to myself, and then he said that he didn't want to hurt anyone, that he just wanted to help. I can understand that, I mean I was acting weird around him and we are best friends.

But are we really? I mean how much I do really mean to him? Lately he just acts like he doesn't give a shit. I mean he said all that stuff about still wanting to be friends, but when he acts like this, I think otherwise. I thought best friends were supposed to be closer, and treat each other like they mean something to them, not ignore them after they break the other's heart. The least he could do is talk to me after what he did. After….he told me we should pretend that we never slept together, that, that night had never….happened.

It meant nothing to him, nothing. He didn't care about what he said to me that night. He doesn't care how much his words hurt me; he doesn't care how much I wish he actually love him. He has no fucking idea how hard this is, the least he could have done was not have had sex with me in the first place, he kissed me first! But yet he was talking to me like it was my own fault, but still I did let myself get carried away….then again I really truly believed it when he said he loved me.

I really honestly believed that the sex meant more to him, that he actually felt the same way I did, but he would hardly look at me. Why did I let him do this to me? Why did I let myself get carried away by his words, his kisses, his touches, all of it just made me feel complete, I thought he felt the same, guess I was wrong.

I feel warm tears slide down my cheeks, no; no I don't want to cry anymore! Not over him at least! Anyone but him! He doesn't deserve my tears, he doesn't deserve my love, but yet my heart still years for his touch? Why did I have to fall for him? Why do I have to feel this way? WHY AFTER EVERY FUCKING LITTLE THING HE'S DONE TO ME AM I STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM! "Because its love Tommy, love is a crazy thing, sometimes it can hurt like hell, sometimes it can be complete bliss, but if you didn't experience this horrible feeling called heartbreak, you wouldn't know true love."

Shut the fuck up stupid little voice in my head, I don't want to listen to your stupid shit right now! I don't need this right now! "Oh please you know I'm right!' You are not! Oh great, now I'm fighting with myself…isn't this great, I'm losing my fucking sanity, all because of him! 'Just tell him you idiot!' What? 'Just tell him how your feeling that you don't want to pretend that it never happened, that you're not confused, that it hurt you so badly when he spoke those words to you, that you are in love with him! What do you have to lose?'

I sigh softly to myself, well the voice has a point, but seriously, I'm having a conversation with myself right now, I'm getting crazier by the moment. But…should I tell Adam everything? My pain, my love, everything that's been fucking bothering me ever since I realized I was in love with him? I sigh again, that I don't want to forget about that night, that it actually meant something to, that I thought he meant it when he said he loved me, that I'm tired of being hurt so badly?

As much as I wish I could I can't do that, I can't tell him everything, he wouldn't even care anyway, he'd just say something like you're confused Tommy, you don't know what you're talking about, you don't love me. But I do Adam, I love you so much with all my heart and soul, I would do anything for you, whenever you'd call I'd answer, even in my most horrible moments I still open my door for you, no matter how much you do to me. But yet, I don't think you'd do the same for me, I don't matter to you.

I stare at the ceiling above me, I've been lying on my floor for a while, I don't know how long though, time doesn't matter anymore. I sit up a little and look out my window, its dark out; I wonder what time it is. I pick up my phone 4:00 in the morning, lovely. I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I haven't had a full night of sleep, in….god I don't even know how long. I haven't been taking very good care of myself these past two weeks, I've basically just lied on my floor and drank my problems away, but alcohol can't solve everything. After I wake up from passing out, my problems are still there. I guess I've learned to try to face my problems head on.

But not with Adam, never with Adam, I can never seem to solve those problems. I'll never be able to, I love him, he doesn't love me, what else is to it? Nothing. I really wish my thoughts had on off button, because I can never seem to get to sleep because of them. I try to relax everything, and then I'm finally in a dreamless sleep. But it doesn't last very long, a few hours I'm awake again, staring at the ceiling with nothing but him on my mind.

I try to get up, but fail miserably, how long has it been since I've moved from this spot? I try to get up again, this time it works. I walk into my bathroom, I look absolutely horrible. Maybe I should take a shower that might make me feel better. I strip off my clothes and climb into my shower; I turn the warm water all the way up and let my body relax under the warm bliss of the water. After I'm done I climb back out of the shoulder and try to fix myself up in the mirror, I can't keep treating myself so horribly, it's not good for my health.

I walk out with the bathroom with a towel around my waste; I go into my room and put on a fresh outfit, jut black skinny jeans, and a hoodie. I go sit down in my living room and rest on my couch. I fall asleep a few minutes later, I'm finally able to relax and get Adam off my mind for once. I wake up a few hours to an annoying ringing noise, my phone. I grab it and attempt to answer it so I can get rid of that annoying noise. I press talk.

"Hello?" I ask in a sleepy tone.

"Tommy" It's Adam's voice, suddenly I'm wide awake.

"Um yeah?" I say.

"Um well, I just got back from a meeting and um hey gave me a concert dates and um I was wondering if you'd be able to play?" He asked.

"Um yeah, of course I'll be able to." I say.

"Um cool, so I'll just give you um a rehearsal date and then um we can practice them with the rest if the band." He says.

"Um okay cool." I say.

"Okay um our next rehearsal will be tomorrow at noon."

"Okay I'll be there." I say softly, I don't really know if I'm quite ready to see him yet, but I'm not just going to quit the band.

"Oh and Tommy?" He says.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you."

"It's okay," I say, "I forgive you."

"Thanks," he says sounding a little relieved, "I guess all see you tomorrow then."

"Yup." I say.

"Bye." Then we hang up and I throw my phone on the floor. I stare at the celling, not able to fall back asleep, because now all I'm thinking about is him.

There you go Chapter 8! :D I'm really on a roll with keeping up with posting chapters; I'm really having fun writing this, even if the only people reading this are my two friends….oh well :) At least they like it! Anyways I hope you liked it :D

~Sarah :)