A/N:Sorry for the misspellings, i'll fix them someday.

Characters:

America- Alfred

England- Arthur

Russia- Ivan

France- Francis

Prussia- Gilbert

Canada- Matthew

Japan- Kiku

Sealand- Peter

Lithuania- Toris

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Nothing much. Here and bored."

"Hey, would you believe I died thinking about you?"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Well, thing is, I died wondering if you finished your work! Isn't that funny?"

"Its ridiculous."

"Yeah, I guess."

". . . . . thanks."

"No problem. I do it all the time."

Chapter 7: Unforgiving

"Are you all right Alfred?" Asked a soft voice. I slowly opened my eyes to hear a soft, easily abused, delicate voice.

"Alfred?" Asked the voice even louder. I look up, away from the glare of the sunset that struck my eyes, which in the first place isn't suppose to hit me because i'm pretty sure I passed out in a forest, but now I am probably in some field. Then as I open my eyes, they widen to see Matthew's face so close up to mine. He was crouchign down besides my hurting body.

"M-Matthew!Step away! Personal bubble! Personal bubble!" I panic as I crawl away from his face and wave my hands for him to keep away. I could feel my face completely red.

"What? You were the one that pulled me towards you. You were hallucinating and thought I was Arthur 'your knight in shinning armor'."

"WHAT?" I yell in a panic.

Was I mumbling all my fantisies aloud again in my sleep?

I covered my embarressed completely red face with my hand. Matthew just laughed.

"I found you on the ground, you got bitten by a snake. Luckily I was there to give you medicine I had with me. You never know what going to jump you in the woods. Bears, snakes, zebras, Ivan . . . . "

That just reminded me how hungry I was. Dammit! I left all my food with Ivan! That pig! He's probably eaten all my food by now! I should have taken some with me!

"C'mon Alfred, i'll help you to my home. We're at my backyard right now!" Exclaimed Matthew as he lifted me up.

"You hungry? I was bringing some baked goods to my house just now. You should be really careful. Ivan's Alaskan territory is near here."

"Sure!" I yell excited with the thought of eating.

Me and Matthew are okay. I like him. He's nice, honest, and I liek to harrass him every now and then. Not too much though because that'd be mean. He enjoys my company too. He could almost be my best friend. well almost. Something inside me, a tiny voice has always awarned me that Matthew and I wouldn't get very along if I let him too much into my tiny world. I don't know why. But I kind of see him as a rival. Not of love with Arthur, but for his attention. Maybe that's why I don't get too close to him [Matthew]. Either that or its because he's taller than me, and I really don't like people taller than me. Oh well.

"So Alfred, what were you doing out here?" He asked smiling as he looked past his shoulder to me.

"Oh, just romaing and exploring. Getting bit by snakes for fun. Same old' same old'," I say not wanting to admit I was lost in those 5 minutes I was on my own in th ewoods. I must have traveled far to have gotten near Matthew's house.

"That's nice I guess. I just came from the bakery. I also went to a special building where they have phones! And I got a call there!"

"R-really? That's nice," I say. I really don't mind what people tell me they do, its just I feel bad for paying attention when certain people talk to me because if its nothing interesting to me, I kind of just not give them my full attention. For some reason right now though, my stomach is hurting terrible as he mentioned that. But it wasn't because I was hungry or anything.

"I was talking to Arthur," says Matthew. Ah, my gut feeling was right.

Have you ever noticed people use a certain tone when they talk to you about somethng particular? Like a perosn maybe that 's important to you and you can hear the caution in their voice? Well, I can hear that on Matthew's all the time, like sometimes he knows he's about to tell me something hurtful, but tells me anyway. Oh Matthew, I hope th eday never comes when one day I'll get so pissed and punch you in the face. Don't worry though, it goes for everyone, even me.

I feel all the blood rush to my face. If I want to speak, I'd probably be unable to. I feel like all the air in me is slowly being squeezed out and my lungs are unable to refill with air.

"Wanna know something he told me?" Innocently asked Matthew. He hadn't realized my face expression.

Everyone, well people that knew I was drowning in love, yes, that's a good way to put it, knew I was drowning in love for Arthur should know not to mention him to me, not now of all times. Kiku, Ivan, Francis, and Matthew to name a few. They pretty much know about how sensitive it is for me talking or mentioning Arthur. Well they should know, because how dettached I become with any of them if they upset me, even if I don't tell them anything. I mean, if they were my true friends, they'd know right away I was upset. Sometimes that very statement makes me question my relationship with any of them. I'm too complicated and stubborn. I have to understand that there's no way anyone in the world would ever understand my hidden meanings whether its gestures, the tone of my voice, what I say or anything like that. I have to understand that there's no one in this whole world that understands me fully. And I tell myself this whenever any of my friends don't get my hidden meanings, so I won't get mad with them. But sometimes I do and I don't speak for a few days maybe. I get really frustrated with myself. Why do I have to be the only being in the world who thinks this much about anything? Why must I be alone? Why must my own desires and dreams of happiness bring me down? I'm my own sadist. I think I like stressing out. Because as much as it hurts me, I still think about all these things. Maybe everyone in the world thinks in the moment or in the future, but I think about them. There's no in the moment or future or past for me, just them. Sometimes I think that i'll never be happy. But again, I prefer suffering in silence and never speak a word. Because as much as I want emotional satisfaction, I also want attention. And if they knew, my friends, all this I just said, they'd probably hate me and call me some coward for not telling them anything. And I already know I'm a coward. I don't need to be told by the people whom I'm suppose to trust, but really, I have never trusted anyone, with my emotions anyway. Because I always end up hurting. And as much as I don't want to sound like some jerk or selfish, I always care a little more about my satisfaction then someone else's. Well everyone except Arthur. He's the only person that's understood me more than anyone else in the way I want to be understood. But, then again, he's still pretty far away from me in terms of thought. So I see it. I've never heard him or someone telling me 'hey, Arthur talked a lot about you today'. Maybe some of my friends, Matthew or Ivan or Francis, have told him about how much I talk about him. I wish that happened. Someone telling me Arthur talked alot about me or bought me something and made a big fuss over it because it was for me. That'd make me really happy. But I know better. I should stop having those fantasies cause i'd never happen. Plus, honestly, i think I'm the only person in thw world that I know that'd do such a thing for someone and make it obvious. Well i'd hope it was obvious. I want to make myself well-rounded for whomever I end up with. I want to satisfy both physicly, materialisticly , mentally and emotionaly. I'd let whomever I'm in love with how lost i'd be without them. Again though, I will never find happiness, because I'm too complicated and too much work to have someone fall in love with me.

But at this point, I'm curious. I haven't spoken to him, so it also makes sense for me to want to know anything about him. Good thing Matthew hasn't bothered to look at my face. I love how friends are blind about my feelings sometimes. Sorry if I come off as a jerk.

"This little nation, Peter, is following Arthur. He's grown quite a liking to him. Almost as if he wants to attach himself to him! Isn't that cute!" Exclaimed Matthew.

I look into his smiling face with a blank expression. I look sideways, not bearing to stare at him.

"O-oh," I was able to utter. W-why is Matthew telling me this?

"What are you going to do?" Matthew asked me turning to me now. i quickly made a nervous smile so he wouldn't notice my watery eyes. Goo dthing he doesn't notice, even though I kind of did want him to.

"D-do? What do you want me to do?" I nervously ask. Its getting harder and harder for me to walk, because I feel like I can trip on anything, fall flat on my face, and will be unable to get up.

I guess Matthew figured if he told me, i'd do something or maybe he just wanted to tell me anything he knew about Arthur, figuring i'd want to know. Of course I want to know everything Arthur's been doing since I last saw him. But, I never wanted to know this much. I would have made a scene and yelled at Mattehw or something about now, but I couldn't, i'd be unfair of me. He's being a friend and telling me eveyrthing about him. But then again, i'd rather know than no tbe told anything at all. Why must my feelings always contradict each other?

"I thought you'd want to know. Peter asked Arthur if he can become a nation with him!" Matthew said.

Now when a nation wants to become a nation with another nation, that in our world is the equivelant of saying, 'hey lets be together like a couple! Give me a try!' That's a very too close and very intimate thing to suggest. Now knowing this, you cannot imagine ho wbadly it is to resist the urge of throwin gmyself on the ground, claw my fingers in the dirt, cry out as loud and hard as I can, and curse at the sky.

"R-really?" I say trembling under my breath.

"yeah. But Arthur turned Peter down."

My throat hurts so bad. How many times have I growled now without doing it outloud?

I find myself smiling. No, not a satisfactoy smile that I just beat a potential rival I didn't even know of but, I'm smiling to cover up my embarressment; I want to cry for the little guy. What kind of love rival am I?

But I felt jealousy, anger, frustration and despair consume my very soul. This Peter was located very close to where Arthur was. In fact, they where in the same continent! How was I suppose to compete with that? I was all the way here in another continet while this Peter was over there with him probably flirting with him! They would see each other almost every day and talk to each other thru mail and letters or just in person! That mad eme so angry. Someone else talking and seeing him more than I and I'm in love with him! wel of course Arthur has no fault in this, he is just doing what he wants like a human being. Its my own fualt for not telling him that I loved him. That's what made it all the harder no tto be angry. That's what mad eit all the harder to hold in my feelings and stress. But, I felt like crying righ tnow, and I don't think Matthew had really analyzed the damage he just did or could have predicted it. That's what sucked so much. I couldn't cry in front of anyone because they'd think I'm some weirdo or just exagerating. But the most hurtful thing was yet to come.

"Arthur told me this and he said it was okay for me to tell whomever I wanted to."

That stabbed me. I coudl feel somewhere in my chest, a throbbing, unbearable pain. I wanted to scream and weep in despair. Why? Its like the person you loved so much got asked out and then they told a friend and you find out because Arthur hadn't maybe considered someone out there, like me, in love with him. But I was pretty sure Arthur at least knew or suspected I liked him. I was pretty sure someone had told him. And knowign that Arthur probably knew I liked him made me feel even worse. If you knew someone probably liked you, you wouldn't want them to find out you rejected some guy but you were okay with them knowing about it in the first place. well I wouldn't like that. Unless . . . . he did that, tell Matthew it was okay, to give me some sort of warning? What if he wanted me to tell him. And this was some kind of 'push' for me from my side. To get me motivated to make my move. Then I shake that thought. It couldn't be, Arthur isn't that type of person. Besides, what if i'm wrong? What i go to him and confess and he rejects me also and in the inside laughs and taunts me for ever thinking such a thing? Now I felt angry, I felt like he just did this to show off in some way that he was desirable by others. Or it was just nothing. Damn mind of mine! I hate you for making me look into things too much! I thought I was desirable! Having someone thinking a lot about the little things you do! Am I suppose to be some ignorant jerk who just wants sex? Is this what the world has made relationships now? I thought I was rare, a good rare. A desirable, rare, person. Someone that would make you happy for you loving them. I must be very very wrong. No wonder I haven't noticed my ideal person, because they probably didn't exist. Then, what is it that I like about Arthur so much?

Now I felt dizzy, the poison was getting to my head now. I felt the world spinning. This was too much for me.

That kid, I didn't hate him. I know I should feel threatened by this kid, but I don't. In fact I feel like I should go hug him and make him feel better; consult and comfort him. The two of us wanted the same person, god knows what his intentions are, and he confessed and was reject to be a nation with Arthur. I looked up to this kid. In the litl etime he knew him [Arthur], he had what I didn't. The guts to tell someone ho wthey felt about them. Which truly made me feel all the more worse about liking him [Arthur]. It re-estableished a fear. A fear of being rejected. Can you imagine? The one person that you felt really undestood you the most and you ended up liking them rejecting you? It would be the end of my world. I can only imagine what Peter was going thru right now. Dammit Arthur, he's probably full of himself. But thinking that makes me smile. I'd like to see his face when the kid told him all of that, it must have looked hilarious.

Matthew then brought me inside his house and dragged me onto the couch, where he then brought some food. I stayed very quiet, but my face looked at peace. Like I was ready to die or something.

"You want to see a picture of him? Arthur sent me a picture!" Said Matthew with enthusiam.

Damn, I can't run away cause I can't walk. Dammit Matthew.

I knwo I just go tthru saying I want to comfort Peter, but why the hell would I want to look at him? Does Matthew want me to send bad people to this poor kid that's suffering a lot right now? I don't want to hate him because I feel pity for him. Seeing him will only fillme with anger! And why the hell does Arthru take a damn picture of him and go e-mailing it? So what if their friends! I don't care! It only makes me hate myself even more for us having our seperation! But I could just be exagerating. Whatever, I don't care, because Matthew has just made me too angry to listen to reason right now. I'm clawing on the leather sofa and eating very slowly now from building tension and anger.

"Oh darn, I can't find it," Says Matthew mumbling. I smile and I'm rejoicing in my head! I would have probably torn that picture in half. Well not because I hated the kid, i'd do that because the idea of Matthew eager to show me a picture of this Peter made me think 'hmmm, is Matthew rubbing in the fact that maybe someone else likes Arthur as much as I do?" or something. I don't care if I sound like a complete jerk always assuming everything in relevance to Arthur is about making me jealous, or angry, or sad! I want to spoil myself for once and think of it as that way because I'm sorry bu tthat's the way I see it! And I will continue to alway ssee it that way until the day I tell Arthur ho wI feel abou thim or the day, if by chance, he does with me! But like I said, its a one-sided attraction. There's no way Arthur would ever return my feelings. So i'm stuck being a hateful, cowardly, lonely person for the rest of my life. Which is fine, because i've always though tmyself as one. As the person who loved to think everyone should care about me and I'm so special and loved to make myself the victim in everything. I must be a disgusting human being.

Matthew leaves the room for a while now, so I take this opportunity to try to escape. I can't stand being in thi sroom any longer! The more i'm around him and hearing my thoughts is making me want to hate everythign right now. So I shove a bunch of food in my mouth, roll of the couch, and drop on the floor, where I crawl outside into the backyard. I keep crawlin gand crawling in the grass as fast as I can whiel the sun is still barely up. But I have to hurry because on one side of the sky, stars and darkness is forming, and in the other there's sunlight and hope. I hope I make it home.

END