As always, huge props to InsaneOrange for being awesome and totally not giving up on me!
After a more than slightly awkward greeting with Narcissa and enduring the embarrassment of having Malfoy drop him off at Grimmauld Place, Harry found himself at home, pondering the events that had transpired.
How had Draco become everything Harry wanted? Needed? Just being with Draco made Harry wonder if his life was a reality or just one of his hallucinations. This Draco was not the same. This Draco was inviting and smiling. This Draco worried about Harry. This Draco loved Harry.
Draco had started visiting Harry's dreams since he started visiting Harry at the hospital. And that had confused Harry because, before that, his dreams had been filled with friends and family.
Then there was that time at the lake…
Harry was on a makeshift raft, swinging his legs against the water. His pants were rolled up so they wouldn't get soaked. He was just sitting there, minding his own business when –
"This is such a waste of time…" Draco glared at Harry. The Slytherin was on his stomach, dragging his fingers through the water and looking bored as hell. Harry stared in mild surprise, wondering when Draco had gotten on the raft. "Look, Potter. You may not have much to do with your life right now, but I do. Talk already. I don't have all the time in the world."
"Shut up," Harry said quietly, not used to hearing his own voice.
"Huh?" Draco asked, looking up at Harry.
"Shut. Up," Harry repeated, stronger this time.
Draco looked like he wanted to add to that, but he thought better of it and snapped his mouth shut with a click. He made a frustrated tsk with his tongue as he drew shapes in the water. Harry stared at the pale finger dipping halfway into the cool and near-black water. He leaned down and copied the same pattern, feeling the ripples of water flow against his finger. Draco lifted his hand up, water dripping down gently. Harry did the same, fascinated by the water rolling off his index finger. Draco went on to scratch his chin with his finger. Harry imitated him, wondering why he would do that. Then Draco scowled. This was something Harry knew how to do. He scowled back.
They went on to stare at the setting sun.
At the time, he hadn't thought much of it. But now he wondered if that had been the first time Draco had gotten through to him.
"So…" Lily said, placing her mug of tea down on the table firmly, "are we going to dance about the situation or are you going to talk?"
Harry smiled sheepishly, shrugging. "Um… I just don't know where to start," he said.
"What did you really want to talk about?" she asked.
Harry rolled his eyes warily. "What do you think?" he asked.
"Draco," she guessed.
"Hmm…"
"What about him?" she urged.
Harry swirled the tea in his cup, stalling as he tried to figure out what to say. "It's just… we were talking and he said that he… well, he helped me, didn't he?"
"He did," Lily nodded.
"Okay. The thing is I-I don't really remember," he said, wincing.
Lily nodded again and murmured, "Understandably so."
"I can't tell my dreams apart from what really happened," he said.
"When do you remember him?" Lily asked.
At this, Harry blushed and cleared his throat while keeping his eyes on the table. "It's not like I don't remember him," he said. "I don't really know when I realized it was all real." He sighed despondently. "It's hard to explain, Lily."
"Try me," she said.
Harry cupped his cheek in his hand and rested his elbow on the table. "There was this one time… I don't know if it happened. I don't know if it's just a memory or a dream or whatever. I was in class at Hogwarts. Snape was there too. And Draco and I had to make something… a potion. Things got pretty weird. I think I punched him? But, one second I'm in the dungeon and the next… I'm someplace else." He shook his head. "I don't know."
"Someplace else?" Lily asked.
"I can't remember," Harry said, frustrated. "It was dark and then suddenly it was bright. We weren't in the dungeons anymore. That's all I know. That and a lot of pain. But I'm pretty sure I gave him a fair share of bruises too." He finally looked up at her. "Draco helped me once. Something happened and he… Like, everything was wrong for a bit and then everything became alright." He massaged his temple. "It's all so confusing."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Lily said honestly. "Try again."
"I can't," Harry exclaimed out of desperation.
"How did everything become alright?" Lily asked.
Harry exhaled forcefully, frowning. "After we fought he… apologized? He said sorry. I don't know why, though. And I don't know if it's real. For all I know, I'm just making this up."
Lily sipped her tea thoughtfully. "After he punched you?" she asked.
"I don't know… I think so," Harry mumbled, pouting.
"Do you remember apologizing to him, Harry?"
"I don't know," Harry repeated.
Lily smiled wanly. "He did help you once," she said. Harry knitted his brows together. "You two fought and you apologized. He wouldn't. I guess you didn't really like that." She laughed at this. "In fact, you were crying. First time I had seen you cry, actually. Anyway, you were crying and biting your lip. When I came back with Joseph, Draco had his hand in your mouth and you were biting him. I think that woke you up…" She trailed off when she noticed Harry's slack jaw. "You remember now?" she asked.
"I bit him… Th-that happened?" he asked, horrified.
"He apologized. Maybe that's what you remember."
"I'm sorry…" Harry murmured.
And he fell into blackness. Everything inside him burned, choked. He needed to get away from this. He didn't want any more pain. He bit his lip to keep from screaming in anguish. His chest was squeezing the breath out of him as tears pooled in his eyes. He hadn't cried in so long… He kept his sobs in.
His jaw was forced open. And all he could do was scream. He struggled against the weight that was crushing him, threatening to hurt him beyond all hope. He bit down on his lips again, tasting the blood against his tongue. His mouth was forced open like before, the hidden scream bursting out of him. He didn't know what to do.
The moment he could close his mouth, he did. Except…
He opened his eyes.
Draco?
Draco was… his hand was… Harry's jaw fell open when he realized what he was biting on. Draco…
He scrambled up and threw himself at the man, holding on for dear life.
"I'm sorry," Draco whispered. "I'm sorry too."
"I remember," Harry said, staring at Lily with wide eyes. "He said sorry! For… hitting me?"
Lily grinned. "Yes! That's it! Okay, what else?" she asked excitedly.
Harry sat forward, pressing his hands to his eyes. "There was that one time we were in the Forbidden Forest. You too. And I was telling him about Narcissa. Did that happen?"
"It did!" Lily said, nodding furiously. "You told us how she helped you that night."
"And Draco was crying," Harry continued rapidly, lest he lost that memory. "He was crying because he couldn't remember Narcissa. And then I-he-I didn't… oh…" He stopped.
"Then what?"
Harry closed his eyes as he tried to ward off those thoughts. "Then I… I just wanted to stop. Stop living. That happened too, didn't it?"
Lily sobered up quite quickly at this. "Hmm…" she murmured, her head downturned.
"I don't know what I was thinking," Harry said, appearing defeated. "Obviously I wasn't thinking. I guess I realized that… none of this was real. And if-if it wasn't real, I didn't want to be here."
"So you wanted to die…" Lily said. Harry didn't answer. "Was it because you had nothing more to do, Harry?" she asked.
"What?" Harry asked, tilting his head.
"It's just that you had already helped everyone," she explained. "And Healer Warren thought that because of that, maybe you didn't want to live. You felt like you didn't have a purpose."
Harry turned those words over in his head. Was that why? Or was it because he didn't know how to get out of his miserable mind? "I think I knew, Lily," he said carefully. "I think I knew that things weren't the way they were supposed to be. But I didn't know how to get out of my head. I didn't know how…"
"So you didn't want to live in your mind anymore?" she asked.
Harry smiled sadly, tired. "I guess. I mean, having Draco visit me was… different. It felt different." He flexed his hand into a fist. "I felt pain. And I hadn't felt pain in so long. He was different… And when things went back to normal, I didn't like it. I could tell that something wasn't right."
"And he came back, Harry," she said softly.
"He did, didn't he?" Harry said, distant.
Draco knocked on the door, a grin ready on his face. Harry nearly stepped back out of shock at seeing such a happy expression on Draco. "Hey," Draco murmured, pulling Harry into a hug.
"Hi," Harry said, dazed.
Draco pushed Harry into Grimmauld Place, closing the door behind them. They were in the drawing room the next minute, seated on the couch. "What's up?" Draco asked.
Harry shrugged. "Not much, I guess," he said.
Then they lapsed into silence. Draco wouldn't keep his eyes off of Harry and Harry wouldn't stop looking at the patterns on the Persian rug. Draco felt deplorably euphoric at having Harry right there. He was like a lovesick fan girl. But at that moment, he could care less. "Why are you so quiet?" he asked, dropping his hand on Harry's hand.
Harry jerked, pulling his hand back. Draco's smile fell away. He moved his hand back too, placing it on the sofa instead. Harry was blinking rapidly, shaking his head. "S-sorry," he stammered. "Um-I just had a long day with Lily, that's all. I'm f-"
Draco nudged Harry's chin up, making their eyes meet. "What's wrong?" he asked.
And he saw it.
He had seen that look on Harry many times at the hospital. Those green eyes would flit from clarity to vagueness in a split second. Harry couldn't tell if this was a dream or not…
Draco cupped Harry's cheek and kissed him slowly. Harry didn't respond, holding his breath as he felt Draco's lips against his. Draco smiled again. "I told you to stop pretending, didn't I?" he whispered.
Harry leaned away from the kiss so he could stare at Draco incredulously. "Huh?" he asked, dumbstruck.
Draco sighed out of sheer exasperation. "Well, if you don't know whether this is real, just ask me!" he said, throwing his hands up in the air.
Harry bunched his fingers against the sofa, unsure of everything now. "I-I-uh…" he stuttered.
"You what?" Draco asked, quirking a brow.
Harry swallowed loudly. "Is-is this… real?" he asked, his voice breaking halfway through.
"It's very real," Draco huffed. "Sheesh." He jerked Harry forward into a forceful kiss. Harry inhaled sharply and wrapped his arms around Draco, pulling him close. Draco hummed in appreciation. He slid his hand down Harry's shirt. Before he could move past the belt, Harry stopped him. Draco growled, unhappy with that action.
Harry laughed, breaking the kiss. "What is it with you and sex?" he asked, breathing heavily.
"It's not sex," Draco smirked. "It's you."
"Oh," Harry breathed, blushing out of embarrassment. "That's… nice."
Draco scoffed, scooting closer to Harry. "You okay now?" he asked, pressing a soft kiss against Harry's cheek.
"Yeah," Harry said, nodding. "Sorry."
"What was that all about?"
Harry moved his head to the side as Draco's kisses slid down to his neck. "I had an episode," he mumbled, absently toying with the soft blond hair.
"You certainly did," Draco muttered.
Harry stilled the butterflies in his stomach as Draco's breath tickled him. "I couldn't tell if… I mean, it's just that you-you were all smiley and stuff," he said.
"You want me to be mean all the time, then?" Draco asked sarcastically. "That can be done quite easily."
Harry chuckled, gasping in between as Draco's finger snuck under his shirt. "That does sound like a good idea," he said, causing Draco to raise his head and glare at Harry. "See? It's already working," Harry said.
"Shut up," Draco said sullenly, pushing Harry back onto the couch and returning to his neck. "Anyway, like I said, if you aren't sure you should just ask me. I'll tell you."
Harry slid his leg between Draco's, curling into the sofa. "What would you tell me if I asked you in my dreams?" he asked.
Draco smirked. "I don't kiss like that in your dreams, do I?" he asked, gently pushing Harry's shirt up and hoping that motion would go unnoticed.
Harry didn't move a muscle, too wrapped up in his thoughts and Draco's lips. "You certainly don't," he said, closing his eyes. "You're… much messier in real life."
"I take offense to that!" Draco snapped.
"I don't," Harry said, squirming under Draco's hands. Draco moved his lips down to Harry's chest, lavishing attention against the warm skin. "What are you doing?" Harry asked, trying to push Draco away.
"Just enjoy it," Draco said.
Harry bucked when Draco's fingers brushing against his sides drew a ripple of shudders out of him. "Draco," he moaned, closing his eyes.
Draco licked Harry from the dip under his ribs to his navel. "You're so sensitive, Potter," he said.
Harry tried to stop from shivering again. "I-I need to-to talk…" he said.
"Fine. Talk," Draco said.
"Can't think," Harry hissed as Draco wove patterns against his skin with his mouth.
"Try really hard," Draco taunted, smirking.
Harry swallowed to wet his parched throat. "It's-it's about after I-I tried to… do myself off," he said.
"Great choice of words," Draco grumbled.
Harry searched for Draco blindly. His hands dropped against the back of Draco's neck. He stroked it, trying to keep his concentration from straying. "It felt awful, Draco. Being in my head, I mean. It felt awful. That's why I didn't want to live. But every time I tried to-"
"If you say 'kill myself', I'm going to knock your teeth out," Draco whispered, crawling back up to Harry's lips and silencing him.
Harry's chest ached from unsaid words. He needed to get them out. He turned his head, pulling his mouth away from Draco's. "Every time I tried to stop," he said emphatically, "no one would let me. Lily said they would revive me. But you have to understand that I-"
"Don't," Draco said hurriedly, pressing his palm against Harry's lips. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to understand why Harry tried to stop living. He didn't want to know.
Harry blinked up at Draco's angered eyes. "I'm sorry," he said, his words muffled. Draco lessened the pressure against Harry, perplexed. "I don't know what I was thinking," Harry said, his words free. "I wasn't thinking. I didn't have anything to live for."
"It's because I left," Draco interrupted, pressing his hands against Harry's cheeks. "It was my fault, Harry. You don't have anything to be sorry about, okay?"
Harry saw Draco squeeze his eyes shut and grit his teeth. Harry finally understood what was wrong with Draco. He wiggled his arms out from under Draco and pushed the man off of him, turning him over. Draco was on his back before he could figure out what Harry wanted him to do. By then, Harry was atop him, straddling him purposefully. "You are a damned egotistical prick, Malfoy."
Draco gaped at Harry. "Uh… What?"
"It's not always about you," Harry said patronizingly, pressing a sure kiss on Draco. "It's quite obviously not your fault."
"But after I left-"
"After you left," Harry interjected, "I realized it, Draco. I realized how everything was… in my head. Thank you. I want to thank you. Okay? You helped me, remember? It's not your fault."
Draco was staring up breathlessly. He raised his hand up and traced Harry's jaw with his fingers. "How on Earth are you so beautiful?" he asked.
Harry gasped in reproach, shoving Draco's hand away. "Shut up!"
Draco hugged Harry close. "No," he snubbed, breathing heavily to get rid of the lump in his throat. "You are the most beautiful person I know and I love you."
"Stop," Harry whined, resting his head against Draco's shoulder.
"I won't stop. Ever," Draco said in defiance.
Harry smiled secretly, breathing in Draco's cologne. "Lily told me that… I started responding again when you started painting the walls. Is that true?" he asked.
Draco nodded. "I think you liked it. You wanted to touch the wall," he murmured.
"I did like it," Harry whispered.
Draco jerked in awareness. "W-wait! Y-you remember?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Harry said shyly.
"What? What do you remember?" Draco asked, animated.
"Things were awful for a long time. And then there was so much green," Harry recalled. "And blue and red. So many colors. And I heard you. I heard you talking. I was happy, Draco."
"Yeah?" Draco asked as pride swelled in him. "Because of me?"
"All because of you," Harry said lovingly. "You painted my world. You made the stars move. You would talk to me for hours. I remember that too. Lily says that… she says that everything I dreamt about you happened in real life. I never knew how amazing you were…" Draco didn't say anything, feeling thoroughly abashed. Harry sensed this and, knowing the feeling all too well, decided it was time to move on. "That was my prissy personality talking, by the way," he quipped.
Draco laughed heartily as he kept each of the moments in his mind for safekeeping. "What other personalities do you have?" he asked.
Harry smiled while nestling into Draco. "Everyone has different personalities, right?" he asked.
"Hmm… I guess."
"Like, I'm different with Teddy than I am with Ron and Neville. With them, it's really easy. I always know who I should be. You are obviously the problem. You're always the problem," Harry murmured.
"Because you're used to being mean to me…" Draco finished.
"Yeah," Harry deadpanned, causing Draco to roll his eyes. "In my defense, you always gave me a reason to be mean," Harry clarified.
"As have you."
"I was just trying to save the wizarding world. No big deal," Harry said, tongue in cheek.
"And I was just trying to stop from getting murdered. No big deal," Draco retorted. Harry laughed quietly, wriggling up so he could put his elbows on the couch, trapping Draco between them. He bent down and kissed the awaiting lips without hurry. Draco closed his eyes languidly, enjoying the calm kiss. "Tell me what else you remember?" he asked.
Harry wet his lips, his tongue flicking across Draco's lips at the same time. Draco parted his mouth. Harry kept his tongue to himself, using his teeth to nip Draco's bottom lip. Draco tsked in discomfort, frowning. "You are delectable," Harry said before biting Draco again.
"Stop," Draco tried to say, shivering nonetheless.
Harry shook his head, continuing his assault. "What else?" he said, thinking. "We would fly a lot together. I liked that. I won all the time, though."
"Hmph," Draco huffed.
Harry snorted in amusement. "Anyway, we would do that. Sometimes we would be in Potions class. Or in the Gryffindor dorm. But you were always nice to me. Even when you were snarky and all, you would be nice to me. I love that, you know?"
Draco smiled faintly. "That's good," he breathed, Harry's voice lulling him into a mellow mood.
"Some days, I wouldn't feel like keeping company. But that was okay with you. I mean, you'd complain and all, but you wouldn't go away. So persistent. And then I figured out why I wasn't too bothered by you hanging about all the time…"
"Why?" Draco asked.
"Because I fell in love with you," Harry smiled and stopped nibbling on Draco's swollen lips. "Which is why I told you just that. And then you kissed me."
"You remember…" Draco chuckled.
"Of course. Haven't been kissed in five years…"
"And," Draco sighed, trying to sit up, "don't think I can stop after five years." He captured Harry's lips against his.
"You're going to be attached to my face from now on, then?" Harry asked, his words muffled.
"Yup," Draco said without hesitance. "Forever."
"Gosh, Malfoy," Harry muttered in mock frustration.
"Don't lie. You love it…"
Harry finally detached himself from Draco, struggling off of his lap. "Sadly, yes," he admitted, standing up while swaying slightly from the lack of blood flow to his head. "Anyway, stay for dinner?"
"You cook?" Draco asked, getting up as well.
"Kreacher does," Harry winked, grinning. "Let's go see what he's up to."
"Have you talked to him about that day yet?" Healer Warren dropped in during casual conversation.
"What day?" Harry asked, playing dumb.
"The day you snapped out of it," Joseph said, studying Harry closely.
Harry shrugged. "He's forgiven me for that. We don't want to bring it up," he said, smoothing his shirt.
"Mhm…"
Harry drummed his fingers against the armrest. "He knows why I did that," he said.
"That's good…"
"And he knows I didn't mean it," Harry continued.
"Okay."
"What?" Harry scowled, not pleased with Joseph's vague words.
"Tell me what happened, then," the Healer said, sitting forward.
Harry shifted on his chair, evidently uncomfortable. "I just… I needed to get better. So I did," he said vaguely.
"But you used Draco."
"I didn't use him," Harry said, looking up with an angry spark in his eyes.
"Alright," Joseph said with an apologetic smile. He held his hands up in surrender. "I'll move on. Thought about the Seeker position?"
It took Harry a few moments to regain his composure. He grinned easily and said, "Apparently everyone else has thought about it for me."
"Do you know why I hit you that day?"
Draco deflated in an instant. "What?" he asked piteously, sitting back in his chair.
"Do you know why I told you I hated you?"
Draco winced, thinking back. "You didn't mean it…" he murmured.
"How do you know I didn't mean it?" Harry asked.
"You… did mean it?" Draco asked, looking up.
Harry watched Draco's flurry of expressions that trying ever so hard to stay hidden. "Hmm," he murmured, shaking his head. "I didn't mean it."
Draco looked visibly relieved. "I knew you didn't mean it," he said, smiling shakily.
"I didn't mean it, Draco," Harry said again. "I was having such pleasant dreams when I was with you. And it all seemed so perfect... Then I heard Lily talk about how Narcissa was being sent back… And I knew it was because I couldn't talk about what happened. And I knew that I had to wake up."
He felt Draco's tender touch on his shoulder, so many days after the last touch. He slapped the hand away. The hand returned, unperturbed. Harry closed his eyes tighter, hitting the hand away.
"Hey," Draco whispered, stroking Harry's hair.
Harry's mind screamed in agony. He shot up in bed and pushed away from Draco. "Don't touch me!" he spat out. If Draco knew how Harry had betrayed him... Draco reached out to Harry again. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Harry screamed, bringing his fists up.
"What's wrong?" Draco asked.
Harry needed to get better.
Everything was wrong!
He can't love Draco. He needed to hate Draco. He needed to hate Draco so he could get better.
"GET OUT! GET OUT!" Harry shouted, pointing at the door.
"Why? What's wrong, Harry?" Draco asked.
Harry couldn't bear to look at those honest eyes. "Don't call me that," he hissed, repulsed with himself for saying these things. "You-you are-Just get out! I fucking hate you!"
Draco didn't understand. "I don't-it's-it's me," he said quietly.
Why won't he understand?
"I know who you are," Harry muttered, his breath coming out in spurts. Once he started hating Draco again, everything would go back to the way it was. And he could help Draco's mother. It would get better. All he needed to do was... "You're a manipulative bastard, Malfoy. I want nothing to do with you. Get out!"
Not Draco. Malfoy.
"What are you-"
"I don't want your fucking love and I don't need your damned sympathy. Get out of my life!"
Draco look hurt, nearly dissolving Harry's will. Not Draco. Malfoy. "Harry..."
"You have no right to call me that," Harry said breathlessly, ready to burst into tears. "And you have no right to love me."
Malfoy froze, his expression betraying him. "I-I didn't… I'm-I'm sorry," he stammered, not knowing what to say.
"GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!"
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Malfoy shouted back desperately.
That was all the prompt Harry needed. Malfoy was shouting at him and Harry was going to retaliate. He scrambled forward, furious. He shoved Malfoy off the bed. "GET OUT!"
Malfoy shoved Harry in turn. "Tell me why!" he exclaimed.
This Harry could do. Having Malfoy fight back was something Harry was used to. This was what he needed. "What does it take to get it into your thick head?" Harry snapped. "I don't want you here. I can't stay sane when you're here. Understand? You're making me worse. Get out of my life! I'm done with solving your bloody problems. Stop. Using. Me."
Malfoy blinked at Harry, appearing defeated. "I-I'm helping you, Harry. I'm not… I'm not using you for anything," he said helplessly. "I love y-" His words were cut short by Harry's fist blurring towards him and hitting his cheek.
"See? I'm getting better already," Harry muttered tauntingly. "You're just as pathetic as you were then, you know that? Groveling so you could look out for yourself. Get out before I have to make you leave."
Draco listened in shock as he heard Harry explain it all. He finally understood why Harry had done that. He heard of the turmoil and anguish in Harry's mind. But Harry had done that for him. "I guess I hated Malfoy," Harry said ruefully. "And I just… I didn't-that was the only way I knew, Draco. I'm… I used you. Do you understand? I had to use you because I didn't know how else to get better. I'm sorry."
"Harry," Draco interrupted.
Harry didn't stop. "And I know I hurt you. But I want you to know that I… I didn't mean any of that. I don't know why you forgave me this easily." He laughed humorlessly. "Well, I guess you did punch me after… but still… I'm glad that you haven't held that against me. If it hadn't been for you, I'd still be in that room. Or worse."
"Don't say that," Draco murmured, clasping Harry's hand to his.
"I was confused, Draco," Harry said, slipping his fingers between Draco's. "I'm always confused," he added, smiling. "So if I say things like that again… well, just know that I don't ever mean it, okay?"
"I know," Draco assured.
"And if I do happen to hit you again, feel free to hit me back," Harry said, a poor attempt at humor.
"I won't think twice," Draco mumbled, squeezing Harry's hand.
"If I ever tell you that I hate you-"
"I know you love me," Draco interrupted.
"I do..."