DISCLAIMER: Story is mine. Characters are not.
A/N: Sorry for the 2-day hiatus, guys. It's been a bit busy 'round here. I hope you enjoy the next installment!
Olivia lay on her bed, absently rubbing her fingers in little circles around her protruding belly. She smiled ever-so-slightly at the thought of her child growing inside her. Truth be told, it was the only thing that made her smile these days.
After she'd taken the home pregnancy test, she'd made an appointment to go see a doctor, who confirmed the positive result. She was going to have a baby. Upon hearing the news from an actual medical professional, Olivia didn't know whether to laugh or cry. In all honesty, she hadn't done either one of those things since moving to Chicago. She had determined that feeling any kind of emotion was dangerous; if she let herself feel everything she was feeling, the hurt, the anger, the loss, the loneliness… she would explode.
For the briefest of moments, Olivia had considered not going through with the pregnancy. As much as it pained her to think about it, she felt she had to consider this alternative. She knew she was ready to be a mother. But if she were to go through with the pregnancy, she would have to tell Elliot. Her moral compass was one of those traits that made her a great cop and it certainly wasn't something she could turn off when it came to her own life.
Yes, she had left Elliot, but at that time, she thought she was doing the right thing for them both. They couldn't go on pretending anymore; they weren't just partners, they both knew it.
The more she entertained the idea of not going through with this pregnancy, the sicker she felt. When she thought of that child, her child, Elliot's child, she could not possibly get rid of it. It took her a long time to admit it, but… she still loved Elliot. She always would. Of course he was the man to give her the one thing she most desired: a family. It had to be Elliot.
As she lay by herself, a small pillow under her back to alleviate the pressure she felt in her belly, it occurred to her that she once found this type of silence oppressive, hurtful. She didn't feel so alone now. She began to feel like she was coming back to herself, like she was heading for a long-overdue spring, a thawing-out period. For the first time, she allowed herself to wonder how Elliot was, what he was doing. Was he with the kids? Was he chasing a perp down an alleyway? Was he in trouble?
She sighed softly to herself. Thinking of Elliot wasn't going to change anything, wasn't going to make the fact that she was keeping this monumental secret from him any easier to bear.
What was she going to do? She had to tell him. He would hate her. And rightfully so. She knew Elliot; he had trouble keeping his temper in check. And she knew that her leaving would have made him beyond angry with her. Telling him now that she was five months pregnant with his child would only cause more heartache. She had made it so he couldn't trust her. If she told him, there would be a custody battle, and she and Elliot wouldn't even know each other by the end of it. And their child would suffer immensely.
Shit. She was back to square one. How had she managed to fuck things up so badly?
Her life was broken. It was up to her to fix it. For her child.
Elliot lay in bed and stared out the window. If this wasn't New York City, perhaps he could see the stars. How could he possibly feel so alone in a city of millions people?
What was she doing right now? It was late… was she alone? Had she allowed someone into her bed?
Elliot angrily ran a hand down his face, trying to wipe away the traces of her that were left on him. No matter how hard he tried, he could never get rid of her. She lingered in his thoughts, he could still feel her under his fingers.
He should hate her for leaving the way she did. He should hate her for abandoning her friends, her job, her victims… and him. She had betrayed the trust of everyone she knew. She left her home, knowing how hurtful her actions were to those in her life. He should hate her. He should hate her.
But he couldn't. Not only was he too emotionally exhausted, he… he still loved her. He would always love her. She knew things about him that no one else knew, that no one else could know. She was his confidant, his best friend.
Since his conversation with the Captain about his behavior, Elliot had tried to forget her. He had tried to forget how Olivia had made him feel safe; he was never afraid to chase a perp knowing Olivia was there, that she had his back. He didn't trust this new guy. And Munch and Fin… they just reminded him of her, of how things used to be. They were a family, albeit a dysfunctional one. He could barely function at work… but still, he tried.
He thought about the last time he saw her, about how he felt inside her. He thought of the sound of her voice, the softness of her hair brushing up against his face, the way she'd smiled against his lips, the musky smell of sweat and sex.
At the time, he thought that was the beginning of something. He thought he'd finally taken the final step, that perfect step toward… togetherness. He foolishly thought they'd grow old together. All his years in special victims hadn't jaded him; he still believed in love. And yes, despite his brief affair with Olivia, he still believed in the sanctity of marriage. Perhaps it was his Catholic upbringing. And if he had to admit it, his marriage to Kathy was over after Eli was born. He'd tried so hard to make it work, he'd tried so hard to love his wife again. He hadn't expected his marriage to be new again, they did have five children together. But they just didn't pay attention to each other anymore, they just didn't want to.
He'd had plans, he'd thought of a future with Olivia. Apparently she hadn't been thinking the same thing. Or else she wouldn't have left.
The longer she was gone, the more he was able to make it through the day-to-day. He supposed that, with time, he would be able to move on. But for now, he just couldn't. And moreover, he didn't want to.
He sighed softly and turned over, willing sleep to come to him at last. He closed his eyes and saw her face. Saw her smiling that last night with Calvin as they played Rock, Paper, Scissors. It was the last time he'd heard her laugh. The sound of her voice played like a song in his head. And he slowly drifted off to sleep… to the tune of Olivia.