"Maybe he's avoiding you," said Ludwig as he cleaned my kitchen table.

"I thought so too," I mumble as I ate my bowl of cold cereal and milk.

"Thought?" he asks, turning to me.

"I thought so, but, lately I don't think."

"Don't think?" He asks confused.

"I don't think about him much anymore."

"Is that so?" He asks as he rinses the cloth in the sink.

"Yes. I'm scared. I don't worry or attempt to talk to him anymore like I used to or socialize or anything. Maybe I'm losing interest," I mumble as I swallow the food in my mouth. I can feel my heart race. Losing interest . . . . that's been my biggest, selfish problem with myself, besides being paranoid anyway. People, my friends, even Arthur, have told me time and again I move on to things too fast. I can't stand the thought of losing interest in my affection . . . my affection for him.

"N-no, it's not that," he sighs as he sits across from me, the same seat Toris used to sit in when he'd talk to me in the kitchen. –Sigh-, I miss him. He looks at me as he slides a leg over the other, crossing his arms and leaning back on his chair, embarrassed at what he's about to say.

"In my opinion, I think that you're so used to thinking about him that you consider him someone 'special'. Get what I'm saying? It's like in your mind you have him as your boyfriend and whatever paranoid idea or assumption you form in your mind, the 'Arthur' in your mind makes you not to doubt the real him. You've thought so much about him, it's like you think in your mind you're already 'special' to him, and no need to confirm it to yourself anymore. You're used to have him in your mind, you don't see it alarming when you think of him so much and you think your getting bored, but really your just realizing how used to it you are."

I blush as I swallow again whatever milk was in my mouth.

"Or at least that's what I think!" He exclaims nervously after seeing me stare at him in awe, turning around.

"Dude, you are right! I just didn't want to say it, because I'd think it be weird and selfish of me analyzing my own opinions and situation aloud," I say smiling to him.

"Weird? Not at all!"

"Here, as an offering, you can have the rest of my cereal," I say in total gratitude as I push my bowl to him.

"Er, no thanks, your smile is quite enough," he says pushing it back at my direction.

"It's understandable if you think your losing interest. Neither of you do anything, and so your used to missing him and only have him in thought, that your thoughts get dull, don't be sad about it," he smiles.

I like him. One of my best, long-distance friends I rarely see. Even if he lives far off, at least he tries to meet up with me because he knows I prefer talking face to face or at least hearing each other's voices, unlike Arthur, not that I'm asking or anything, but, it would be nice though.

As I continued eating, he sighed and looked at me as he rubbed his brow.

"Honestly though, why do you bother with this guy? He isn't even calling or seeing you. Doesn't matter if he cares about talking to you or not. Don't waste your time with him, only do it when he's around and then if you do, you let him know you don't care about him and ignore him! Treat him as you know he knows you think you're being treated! You're a sissy, everyone knows that! So he should know and realize you're a chicken at confrontation! A friend is allowed to have lots of thoughts about them, but a total stranger or acquaintance is only allowed to be seen. That's what he is now, a total freaking stranger! Of course, your being a pussy and not saying anything, so it's really your fault, but, he should know you like him. I mean, who doesn't know! I can't believe you told Ivan of all people first! I would have at least thought Francis or Kiku!"

"B-but I didn't because I would be more embarrassed if Matthew or Kiku laughed at me! I don't care what Ivan thinks, because he's brutally honest, but when Kiku or Matthew are honest to me, they make it seem so awkward and I get scared of telling them! I'm more scared and embarrassed to tell those two about my private things. And what do you mean stranger? He's my friend!"

"You think friends let each other stress and worry? I don't get it. He 'knows' you. Has he forgotten that one time he left you for a long while and you even cried! You cried in front of Ivan in a public place too! You don't even know if he knows you cried about him! Does he forget how clingy you are with having people around you? I tell you time and again to stop thinking about him and get someone else. You're just wasting your time on him."

I see Ludwig's point. Al those years I thought Arthur knew me and could figure me out. But, what are the chances of him not befriending someone new he will meet and . . . . replace me? Deny I ever existed in his mind? Be categorized as some normal friend in his mind and have no social or 'must-see/talk' priorities while as in mine he is one of the most important? What if he goes hours, maybe days or even weeks without me coming in one of his thoughts while as he is thought several times a day in my mind? I can't tell him any of this because it only get an awkward or weirded out "ok" or "sure", coming off as creepy, while I think it sounds romantic almost!

"But, he's okay, right? I mean, I am most at fault here, right? For not saying anything, right?" I ask him to reassure myself.

"Nope. I don't like him. I don't approve of him. I think he's a total bastard," he says as he shakes his head in a disapproving way. I feel my thumb bend the spoon I held as he said this.

"But why would you say that Ludwig? He's like my best friend and I love him very much and he's the nicest to me and I think we have the most in common and-!"

"Even if that were true, doesn't mean you two can get along."

"B-but, we do!" I say in a whiney voice.

"You told me he didn't believe you. That one time you got the courage to tell him, even if it didn't sound so serious, that you considered him your best friend at the time, correct?"

I nod.

"There you have it! Besides, why would he trust you? Haven't you've bailed out on him so many times? No wonder his Boss doesn't like you. Your terribly rude and untrustworthy," he says nagging at me.

"Aghhhh, don't remind me! Every day I think about that day I slept thru the meeting with his Boss, late and forgot to tell him thanks for letting me stay over at his place! I forgot! I was so used to being a rude guy cause Ivan's boss never acknowledged me when I tried being polite so it kind of-"

"Well sorries and buts' don't matter now! You screwed up, your fault, case closed. Everyone's boss, Matthew's, Ivan's and Arthur's are sketchy about you. They probably have you at the bottom of their list to consider being friends with their nations," says Ludwig. "Basically, everyone knows how much you screwed up with Arthur's boss, I wouldn't be surprised if they judged you too."

"Y-yeah, I know," I utter as I look sadly at my bowl.

"But, I don't think it was your fault for being rude. Personally, I think it was Ivan and especially Arthur's faults for you stupidly being rude."

"Huh?"

"Didn't you say once they had a secret meeting without you and met Arthur's Boss before you for like a whole year? I'm guessing Arthur must have at least hinted his Boss was very strict about manners. I think it's unfair they didn't warn you, the idiot of the group, about Arthur's Boss's strictness. They should have. But then again, the British types are more about class and politeness and etiquette. You should have seen it coming. Still though. "

"Yeah. H-his Boss even called Arthur to almost point-blank say how rude I was. He should have said it point blank; because it makes me feel even worse I was able to assume his Boss was upset. That's why I prefer to never see his Boss again. He scares me."

"No, you just don't know what to do with his Boss. Alfred, you got to stop giving in to others. Be a man for once and stand up for yourself."

"I'll make sure to do that when I meet someone else," I utter.

"Though, I prefer you never talk to Arthur again. There, problem solved."

"Ludwig, what's with you and me avoiding Arthur?"

"Because you're always complaining about your problems and questions relating to him! It's pathetic! Be your own person Alfred! Make him want you! Not the other way around! Why don't you tell him of that whole Toris and Francis episode? Rub it in that you have admirers too, not just him! But, Arthur have admirers? No offense, but I laughed." I look at Ludwig viciously with a 'don't-you-dare-talk-smack-about-my-friend-again'.

"Calm down, I laughed when you told me about yours too. But, your friends are so cruel with you. And you're a bastard for not telling them when you get upset with anything they say. You make people into assholes without knowing to, you know that?"

"WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?" I yell, " look, I never tell them when I'm upset with whatever harmless thing they do because I think I'd make me seem so sensitive and also, people need to have things to be upset about, not have a world where they just say what upsets them and its fixed! –Sigh-. Sometimes I think I'm too 'delicate' about things. You know? I hate how I over react about everything," I say in a down way as I look depressed into my empty bowl. He sighs.

"Well, to an extent, I think it's sort of nice. But, you have to know people will always bother you in some way or upset you. You can't jump or act on everything. You have to learn on what things to only react in. When are you going to confront Arthur? Really Alfred, cause I get tired of hearing about him. You know I don't like him," he says as he twists his next and snaps it twice. That's so cool.

"Well I want to, but in person, and, I want to improve and do my best and impress."

"Impress?"

"Yeah, so he feels proud to know me. I want him to see how great I am. I want to have all these sorts of things help me distract myself from thinking about him so much."

"Are you saying you want to get him out of your mind? For good?"

"I want to stop thinking of him so often. If I'm the only one that'll ever feel anything for him and not have my feelings returned, I think its best I start weaning myself of him."

"You want him to think you don't care about him anymore?"

"I want to help myself to be independent and not so desperate for him. I'm sick of always being the only one feeling anything. I want to be happy in thought and mind again. With him, he was a constant reminder of all my failures. Maybe I can never make it up to him of everything I screwed up, but at least I can make someone else very happy one day. Even if it's him. I want to make myself very good and excel a lot, so I can be desirable to anyone."

"Aren't you already?"

"Well, yes, but, I want to prove to myself I've moved on and if the day never comes when he knows I love, or loved him, I want to know I'm still well-rounded for someone else."

"You don't want to close yourself to him only huh?"

"Nope. I'm tired of it. Even if no one else knows but you, I am tired of seeing myself so clingy to whatever news I hear he does or his opinions or everything. He used to be my top priority. Toris too. But, ever since he left and I've yet to mend with Arthur, I want to make myself happy again being with anyone else. What are the chances that he'll return my feelings? I don't even know what I'd want from him besides more time and companionship and . . . . to be brutally truth, I'm kind of scared if I were together with him. Because, I'd be too nervous to do anything intimate with him because, he is just so special to me, I don't want to screw up and I'd get embarrassed. "

"It seems to me you don't know what you want."

"Does it really? That's terrible. You see? I appear unsure of things. I want to see him one day when I know well what I want."

"Well, it sounds to me like you just want him to want you back too. But if you say so. One day he will tell you he knows you like him, and that's when you will truly know what you want from him. In the mean time though, stop thinking about the bastard," mumbled Ludwig as he stretched.

"Stop calling him a bastard!" I squeak as I go throw my bowl and spoon away.

"Sorry sorry! Geez! So, you think you'll practice on someone before him?" He asks as he takes off his gloves to start washing my bowl.

"Huh?"

"Like, practice to kiss or-"

"EWWW, WHAT? How dare you L-Ludwig!"

"You're not fooling anyone."

"I . . . . no. Unless I . . . . I start to like someone else."

"Weren't you close with Toris?"

"Yeah but, he's gone. He's a nice kid. If I would have met him before . . . we could have been something, and . . . "

"Ah. That's sad, didn't you tell him this?"

"No, because I know it would have been mean and he would have been more stressed. But he already assumed it, so, even if I did verify it or not, he'd still think it. Yes, I love him. Very much. I hope I see him one day again."

"I see," said Ludwig as he started washing the dishes. As I slumped in my chair and stared at hi strong back, I thought of the many times I had stared at other people's backs when I walked two or three steps behind them, leading me where to go because I'd let them.

I want to move forward.

Yes, I want to put this behind me . . . until that day comes . . . when I see you again . . .

Ludwig is a very old friend of mine. I think he's the best and most well built guy I know. He's very funny and open. I rarely talk to him on the phone, less likely see him. One day, our Bosses arranged for us to see each other. That made me very happy. He's very happy and open with me, but a very hard person to get to open up to you if he doesn't know you very well. It makes me smile to know I can make him laugh and nobody else can. Like Francis, I used to have a crush on him too. A little one a long time ago when we were kids. But know, I know I had it mixed with feelings of looking up to him.

"Hey Ludwig! Ludwig! Guess what Ivan did yesterday!" I exclaim as I shake his shoulder as he reads.

"What?" He asks as he closes his book, how nice.

"Instead of him working hard on some project, he and I watched a movie together!" I exclaim happily as I do a pleased dance.

"Oh wow, really? Very nice of him. Aren't you two rivals?"

"What? Well besides who has the best technology and the strongest, we're good friends!"

"More like best friends," he murmurs. I punch him annoyed.

"No we're not!" I blush, "why does everyone tell me that?" I hiss.

He crosses his fingers together.

"W-wha? That's not bad! It's nice to be together with someone else, you know?"

"I think you deny your close friendship. Is it because you'd rather be 'close friends' with someone else, like Arthur?"

I blush as I grab his sleeve.

"N-no. He's probably friends with someone else," I murmur.

"Oh, you think so? Isn't that sweet for you to assume that," he smiles as he smacks me in the back of my head.

"OW!"

"You idiot to assume such a thing without even asking! Anyway, can you please stop it?"

I look at him dumb founded. There are a lot of annoying things I must probably do, which is he talking about.

"What?"

"Obssesing over Arthur, what else? It gives me the creeps," Ludwig mumbles as he shivers. I punch him.

"AM I THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHO THINKS ITS ROMANTIC TO KNOW SOMEONE WORRIES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH, WANTS TO SEE AND KNOW WHAT YOU DO EVERY DAY AND BE AROUND WTH THE WHOLE TIME?"

"Yes, Alfred, it's called being a stalker."

"WHAT? I AM NO STALKER! I don't even know where he lives! Besides, it's not like my whole world revolves around him!"

"It seems that way," he utters as he squints at me.

"Wha? How dare you Ludwig? So what if I get jealous and angry at anything anyone does with him? Its normal!"

"There's something called extremely clingy."

"I . . . . I guess you're right. I hate admitting to it," I mumble defeated as I sit in the couch besides him and slump over depressed.

"You know, I bet everyone that knows about my creepy obsession about Arthur thinks that too, they never tell me though, well maybe except Ivan."

"It's called 'me not caring sometimes'. Maybe one of your friends should try that sometime," he says as he picks up a cup of coffee from the small table in front of us where he placed his book.

"-Sigh-. Whatever. Ludwig, why am I so clingy?"

"Because you probably want attention and he hasn't met your needs of it."

"Why do I seem like a stalker?"

"Because you blab so much about him all I hear is you saying 'Arthur this' and "Arthur that'. Lately though, you never talk about him unless someone brings him up, and that's if I ask you something about him, or else you change the subject."

I bite my lip as I look at my brown, leather hands and smile in a saddened way, so much so, as Ludwig stares at my face that avoids his gaze, I can tell how sad I must look, because he looks at me worriedly.

"I don't like to bore anyone. I try very hard to be interesting and to replace the real, paranoid and over thinking me. Whenever anyone brings him up, you, Ivan, Francis, whatever, I get so sad because I think 'wow, I don't know this. I feel so left out. It's no one's fault I feel left out and jealous. The worst part is, I can't blame anyone for my jealousy or feelings of being left out.' So I take my anxiety and stress from that out on people. Did Kiku tell you how mean and bitter I get sometimes quickly? It's because he comes to mind. Sometimes, I think that when I first see him again, I want to curse him out and walk out on him. But, I have the horrible thought that he will just stare at me, sit down, and say "whatever". "

"Ah, you fears he won't care about you being angry. This might sound stupid, but, why?"

"Because, I see how he is with other people. When other people do those kinds of things to him, he doesn't even care it seems. I've had proof of things when I get agitated with him and pretend I'm angry, but he could care less over small affairs and things. But I fear him doing that to this serious matter."

"Are you afraid of rejection?"

"I'm afraid of him not caring."

Ludwig takes a big drink and hands me his mug. I stare at it, and decide to take a drink myself. Whatever he mixed it with, it's pretty tasty. And . . . relaxing.

"It's normal. Nobody likes to be ignored or passed up on their feelings. But, seriously, you have to be more direct. Stop depending on others to pick up every little thing you want to say or meant. Got it?"

"Got it," I say smiling to him.

"Good."

"Yeah. I really enjoyed this."

"Me too."

"I enjoyed that you came and talked to me."

"Sure thing."

"Unlike others."

"What did I say about thinking about that bastard?"

"He's not a bastard! He knows his parents . . . whatever!"

"-Sigh-. C'mon. Let's go to the park. I know how much you've been meaning to go."

"YEY!" I exclaim as I run upstairs. "Let me go get my camera and food to make memories! Oh, and a soccer ball!" I yell excitedly.

As I shove everything in a black backpack, I think of how Ludwig knows he has made me happy. I think about how he can understand me well. Is it because I tell him when I'm happy or how I feel or make it very obvious to him?

"Not so fast Alfred!" He yells as I run at the empty field in the park as he runs after me. I hoist my black bag up.

"LUDWIG YOU LIFE SAVIOR!" I yell at the top of my lungs. He's right. Sometimes, you just have to stop thinking and act in the moment. No matter how much you over think or try to see every angle of a situation, you can never predict the exact outcome of it.