From a Certain Point of View
Han walked slowly through the damp forest, his thoughts clinging to him like the morning fog hugging the forest floor. He immediately felt guilty for leaving Leia the way that he had. Not five steps down the path he had wanted to turn around, drag her to his cabin, take her into his arms and succumb to the physical desire that they both shared. But he did not, concentrating on his every step further away from her and recognizing each as both a triumph and a failure.
His footsteps stopped at the edge of the forest path. The white stone of the temple shone in the distance, illuminated by the pale morning light. The hazy fog blurred the lines of the temple and angular streaks of sunlight gave life to the sun's rays. He could hear the sound of one lone bird repeating the same lonely tune over and over again. The bird stopped and Han started walking again.
As he neared the temple, he took a very low risk gamble and headed for the dining hall in hopes of finding his co-pilot. His eyes found Chewie as soon as he entered the room and their gazes met for the briefest of pauses before Han turned and walked to the galley line. With a tray full of food, he found his way to an empty table and sat down to eat alone.
Halfway through his meal, he watched as Chewie stood and left the room. The two had been together too long for Han to worry that the Wookiee wouldn't somehow find a way for them to talk together alone. He took his time, finished his meal and left the temples, heading back for the Falcon.
Chewie met him halfway down the wooded path and Han followed him silently into the depths of the forest. The pair had not spoken since Bespin. Han had not fully believed Chewie's claim until Lando stood in front of him and told him that the Wookiee had passed the testing and was gone. He had taken the news with a strange mixture of disbelief and relief.
When Chewie stopped walking he held his hand up to Han to silence him while he sniffed the air and looked around. This was something Han had seen Chewie do a million times before. He had always known that Wookiees had a superlative sense of smell, he just hadn't known that Chewie was also using the Force all those years to ensure their safety. It was if all of his memories had to be rewritten.
Chewie was not wearing his bandolier and Han thought how he looked different, naked without it. He wondered if that was the only thing that made the Wookiee look different to him now. He had thought he knew everything about Chewie. But he hadn't. And Chewie's failure to share that important piece of information with him for all those years seemed to magnify the pain he was pretending not to feel over his current situation with Leia. Somehow to Han, it all seemed connected.
When the Wookiee finally gave him the all-clear grunt, a flash of hurt disguised in a flippant remark escaped Han's lips, "So, how's the Jedi training going?"
Chewie didn't bite on Han's jibe, but answered seriously, [Force sensitivity in Wookiees is much more common than you think.]
"Obviously."
[It's something else we have learned to hide.] Chewie answered with a growl.
Han thought of why Wookiees were forced to hide and let the stab of guilt ground his displaced anger and resentment. Here Chewie had come forward with a guarded secret to help him and he was using it as a point of contention between the two of them. He had run away from his altercation with Leia only to try and continue it here with the wrong person.
"I'm sorry, pal. This thing with Leia has me all turned around."
[She didn't sleep in the temple last night.]
"Yeah, well it's progressing. I was definitely thrown for a loop by her…condition."
[I would've paid money to see how you handled that.]
Han narrowed his eyes at his friend. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."
[The cub is yours.]
Even though Chewie had said the words in a statement, Han answered them as if they were a question. "Yes."
Han watched Chewie stretch his paws out like a human would stretch their fingers, it was something the Wookiee did when his retractable claws released instinctively. It was a sign of imminent danger. [You do know that she and your cub are in danger?]
"That's about all we know. What've you seen?"
[It's only a feeling. I don't know if the others suspect anything. My bond with you has heightened my senses around your cub.]
"You sense danger when you're around Leia?"
[That's the simplest way to describe it.]
Han let out an angered breath, his thoughts racing over their situation. "My money is on Roman."
Chewie shook his head. [I can't say either way. What does the Princess think?]
Han paused for a moment, looking at his old friend as if for strength. "She trusts him."
Chewie looked back at Han thoughtfully as he tilted his head at him and grunted in a show of compassion and support. [I'll keep my eyes open.]
"Thanks, buddy."
Chewie's nose flinched and he responded, [You should go back to the Falcon.]
"When should we talk again?"
Chewie stepped towards Han and tousled his hair with his gigantic paw. [Don't worry, cub, I'll find you.]
Han swatted the Wookiee's paw away and said, "Hey, c'mon, that's enough." But inside he knew he was breathing a little easier since talking to his old friend and he was positive that his old friend knew it, with or without using the Force.
When the Falcon came into his view he noticed that her ramp was up, indicating to him that Leia had probably left. He tried not to think about the fact that she had probably left with Roman, especially since his actions had practically thrown her right into the other man's arms.
He saw a flash of movement behind one of the Falcon's landing struts and his hand rested quickly on the butt of his blaster, his fingers relaxing as soon as he recognized the familiar face.
"Hi, Captain Solo!" Zacari greeted him cheerfully as Han walked up.
"Hey, Zac," Han replied as he punched in the codes to the Falcon and lowered her ramp.
"My brothers used to call me Zac," the child replied excitedly as Han began to walk up the gangway.
"Is that right?"
"Yes, uh, Captain Solo?"
Han stopped and turned towards Zacari. "Yeah, kid?"
"Can I get a tour of the Falcon now?"
The only tour Han currently wanted to take was through the liquor cabinet, but as he stared into the innocent, wide eyes of the young boy, he reluctantly relented. Maybe the kid's company would take his mind off of all his problems. "Okay, sure."
Han was about to invite the boy up when Zacari brushed past him and disappearing into the main hold before Han could say one more word.
"Can I climb into the gun turret, Captain?"
As Han entered the main hold he saw the boy standing in the corridor in front of the access ladder to the guns. There was a light pouring into the hallway from the galley that illuminated Zacari's face, but the eagerness of his words and the sparkle in his eyes made it look as if the glow was coming from inside of him.
Han thought of himself as a young boy on his first space ship. "Sure, kid. Just give me one minute to set the safeties."
The boy straightened up and his face grew serious, slapping his straight arms against his sides, he replied, "Yes, sir, Captain Solo, sir."
"At ease, soldier," Han replied with a smile as he walked to the cockpit and flipped the safety switches for the guns. "Alright, Zac!" He yelled back and chuckled when he heard the instantaneous sound of small feet scampering up the access ladder to the top gun.
Han turned to the navigation panel and began to run some diagnostic checks on the hyperdrive system. After taking a quick mental note on a few anomalies he wanted to check on, he left the cockpit and headed toward the main hold. As he walked past the access ladder he heard the sounds of a make-believe space battle coming from up above.
Han stopped for a moment and listened to Zacari imitate blaster fire and radio chatter. He had named himself Rogue Leader and was calling for his squadron to check in. Han smiled when Red Leader checked in and Zacari responded with a 'Stay sharp, Solo!', but he winced and walked on when Luke Skywalker's name came up.
Standing underneath the belly of the Millennium Falcon, Han had hardly opened the mechanical access hatch when he heard footsteps approaching. He leaned to the side so that he could see the forest path and then stepping from behind the metal door, he said, "Orren."
"Captain Solo," Orren replied as he came to a stop right in front of the Falcon.
Han walked from underneath his ship. "Something I can do for you?"
"No, I've just come to talk to you."
"Okay, shoot."
"The elders met today to discuss your presence here."
Han bristled but tried to control it, he had been waiting for someone to tell him that he had to leave. "And?"
"And, in accordance with Princess Leia's wishes, you've been granted an invitation to stay with us."
Han felt himself relax and realized that he had probably not done a good job at covering his apprehension. "Thanks."
"The Princess indicated that you would probably want to stay on your ship, but we do have accommodations available at the temple if you would prefer."
"No, thanks. The Princess was right; I'll stay on the Falcon." Han silently hoped that the Princess would be doing the same.
"Well, consider yourself a welcomed guest. You have an open invitation to our meal times and any parts or supplies you may require."
"Thanks, Orren."
Orren glanced up at the Falcon and replied, "Well, I guess I'll let you get back to it."
"Thanks again," Han replied as he shook Orren's hand and then watched the elder Jedi walk away.
"Is he gone?"
Han turned toward the cautious whisper coming from within the Falcon. He had almost forgotten about Zacari. Taking a quick glance down the forest path to make sure that Orren was out of sight, he replied, "Yeah, kid the coast is clear."
As Zacari tiptoed down the gangway, Han asked as he hitched his thumb in the direction that Orren had gone, "Shouldn't he have, like sensed you or something?"
"Oh," Zacari replied. "It's not that exact. He probably sensed another life force inside of the ship, but he could've thought that it was the Princess." The boy stopped at the edge of the gangway and placed his hand against one of the struts as he tilted his head to the side and asked, "Why does everyone get all quiet whenever they talk about you and the Princess?"
Han stared at Zacari for a moment, not sure how to answer him. As he turned to head back to the maintenance hatch he replied, "Kid, I gave up trying to figure you Jedis out a long time ago."
"Is she your girlfriend?"
Han jumped when the small voice came from right behind him. He whirled around to find Zacari standing right in front of him. "Damnit, don't sneak up on me like that."
"Now you're acting like they do," Zacari replied with a hint of curious suspicion and injured feelings.
Han ruffled the kid's hair as he said, "Sorry about that," and then as he turned back to the mechanical hatch he added, "That's the last thing I'd want to do."
Zacari walked around the dangling metal door and said, "You shouldn't use swear words because they define your intelligence."
Han looked down at the kid and chuckled, wondering if he even knew what he was saying. Something told him that he did and he answered seriously, "Thanks for the advice."
Just as Han began to loosen the bolt on the part he was working on, he heard Zacari say, "So, is she your girlfriend?"
Han let his shoulders slump down in exhaustion as he released a long, tired breath. The kid asked a really good question, a question Han wished he had an easy answer for. He kept his eyes on the bolt rotating within his fingers and said, "You know, grownups don't really have girlfriends."
"Is she your wife, then?"
Han wouldn't have thought that the sound of more footsteps approaching would've been a welcomed occurrence, but that's just what they were. When he leaned over to look toward the forest path, he saw the twin Jedi, Meisha and Shanel walking towards him.
"Hi, Captain Solo," the pair giggled in unison, much like the first time he had met them.
"Meisha, Shanel," Han nodded a greeting to them as he stepped from behind the metal hatch.
"We've come for Zacari," Meisha replied, eyeing the young boy sharply.
"We've nearly torn the temples apart searching for him," Shanel added.
Han felt the young boy lean against him and he put his arm around him protectively. "That's my fault. I should've let someone know that I invited him to see the Falcon." He felt Zacari look up at him but Han kept his eyes on the twins.
"Oh, it's quite alright. No harm done," Shanel answered him with a smile.
"No, no real harm done," Meisha agreed reluctantly and then added, "But it is time for Zacari to report back."
"Okay," Han answered her as he gave Zacari's shoulder a squeeze. "You come back anytime you want," Han said to the boy and then looking toward the twins he added, "Just be sure to let someone know where you are."
"Sure, Captain Solo," Zacari replied as he walked away from Han.
"Good night, Captain Solo," the twins said in tandem as they waved and began to walk away with Zacari in tow.
"Meisha, Shanel, always a pleasure," Han replied and then added, "G'night, kid."
Zacari turned around and waved at Han, his face a mixture of emotions. Then he whirled around and ran to catch up to the twins.
Han returned to the exposed maintenance hatch and worked for the next several hours without being disturbed. Repairs to the Falcon always serving as the perfect distraction to any of his troubles, the day flew as Han noted that he barely thought about Leia. Of course, he made note of that fact fairly often.
It was the combination of two things that finally made Han button up the maintenance hatch and call it a day. One was the fading glow of daylight as the giant gas giant of Yavin sunk behind the cover of the tall forest trees. The other was his rumbling stomach; he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast at the temple that morning.
He entered the Falcon leaving the gangway lowered, holding out hope that Leia would return to talk to him this evening. He washed up in the galley and made himself a quick dinner. Halfway through his meal, he heard someone coming up the ramp. He set his silverware down and waited while he listened to the sound of the gangway rising and the security lock being set. And then she was standing in front of him, a satchel slung over her shoulder. It was Leia.
He didn't say anything.
"I want you to take care of me."
He stared at her. He had been unsure of what he had expected or wanted to hear from her. He had thought he would know the look and the words when he heard them. His body instinctively straightened up, his mind snapping to full attention knowing that this felt as close as he had ever gotten to it.
She continued, trailing her hand over her stomach, "I want you to take care of us. I want there to be an us."
It did not escape him that she had yet to utter the only three words that it would've taken to express everything she had just said. But in his mind she had said them in the only way that she knew how or was capable of at that moment. He heard her declaration loud and clear as if she had said 'I love you, Han' and nothing more. It shimmered in her eyes and it was written on her face.
And then it struck him. This was it, that thing that stood between them. If he had to name it, it was this, this need for one another that they both refused to confess. It was not a lack of trust or worthiness or love. It was this perceived weakness. Or more to the point, it was their stubbornness not to appear weak to the other. For her it was physical, for him it was emotional, but for both it looked and felt the same.
Coming here and declaring his love for her had been a show of strength for him, an admittance of feelings that left him exposed and vulnerable. For him the greatest sign of weakness he could have displayed was if he had remained on Coruscant and never ventured to find her. His arrival on this moon, the minute he stood before her again was his victory; declaring his love for her merely saw it through to the end.
And then he looked at her, his eyes traveling the length of her body but seeing much more than just that. He saw that for her a declaration of love was also a sign of weakness, a surrender to the very thing she swore she would never allow herself to feel again. And her strength? Her strength was to stand here in front of him and admit she needed him.
He stood and took the satchel off of her shoulder and placed it on the floor. Then he placed his hands on her arms and felt the slight tremble of her muscles underneath her skin, an indication of the fierce battle that was waging on inside of her.
He brought his hand up and held a lock of her hair in his palm, asksing her as he studied it, "What made you cut it?"
She hesitated, "Hormones, I guess."
"Hormones," Han repeated absently as he slowly let go of her hair, watching each strand drop away. He pulled his eyes back up to her face with a great effort and when his gaze met hers, he asked, "Are you hungry?"
"No," she replied quickly and then paused and added, "I'm tired..."
Tired of running, tired of fighting, tired of everything, is what Han heard as her voice trailed off in the silence. He placed his hands on either side of her face.
"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving…"
He shook his head and kissed her quickly on the lips. "Shhhh. You're tired, sweetheart." On his face, he wore a lopsided grin and his tone was overly placating.
She raised an eyebrow to him, her face relaxing, but said nothing.
He whispered, "Let me take care of you."
She smiled up at him with a look that said they were in on the same secret.
Before she could respond he bent down and scooped her up into his arms like a child.
"Han! I'm too heavy," she protested over a giggle masked by a surprised shriek.
"Don't worry about me, baby. I could carry two of you if I had to." He began to walk toward his cabin.
"Well, you are carrying two of me," she chuckled as she tightened her arms around his neck.
He nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck and kissed her there, making her squirm and tilt her head to stop him. "Not two of you," he growled into her ear.
He brought her into his cabin and set her on his bunk. Kneeling before her as he had done that morning, he ran his hands up her thighs and said, "Now where were we?"
"Han…" Her face had grown serious, her expression worn thin of all guards.
He lifted himself up off of his heels, straightening up on his knees so that their faces were next to one another. "Yes?" He whispered with a smile. He took his finger and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, leaned into her, resting his check on hers and drawled, "Sweetheart."
"Thank you for finding me."
He drew back and then kissed her on the nose.
"And for forgiving me. I know I don't deserve it."
"We're not gonna talk about that anymore and there's not gonna be any more of that to talk about, right?"
Her head dropped and she replied, "Right."
She lifted her head and looked primed to say something else. He waited.
"There was never anything between Roman and me…besides a friendship. I wanted you to know that."
He watched her, deciphering the facets slowly being revealed to him. He smiled and unable to delay it any longer he leaned into her and kissed her. The heat instantly flared between them and time seemed to speed up. Every second not touching and feeling the other was another second wasted as their hands battled feverishly for position. Leia's moans were of impatience as much as rapture as she pulled furiously at his clothing in between helping Han remove her own.
"Slow down, sweetheart," he chuckled at her as he heard the seam of his shirt screaming in surrender. He tossed the offending garment over his head and then ran his hands behind her back and removed her bra.
She pulled herself toward him, smashing her naked breasts against his chest and she sucked her way up his neck until she reached his ear. Han had not thought that it would be possible for Leia to have missed this type of intimacy between them more than he had. But he had to admit that he may have been mistaken.
Having missed the gradual growth of her body, he had approached her with timidity at first which only served to frustrate her. Ever the quick study, he swiftly adapted to this new playground of enlarged breasts and heightened sensitivities. Every touch and reaction was new and he studied her like an explorer on an unchartered planet.
They couldn't get enough of each other, from their mouths devouring each other, to the sensual feel of skin on skin, to the moans escaping through gasps of air and the shudder of their bodies beneath one another. It was as if a moment had not passed between them and then it was like everything had passed between them at the same time.
Han felt for the first time that he had shortchanged the physical act of making love. He had often chastised the naïve fools who mistook sex for something more. But as he made love to Leia, as he felt their unborn child sandwiched between them and her love radiating off of her as if it were a tangible thing that he could gather up in his arms and take away with him, he realized that they were making love in every sense of the word, with every meaning behind it and every risk and reward to be had from it.
It was through a shuddered moan as his muscles convulsed that he uttered the words to her yet again. "Gods, I love you, Leia."
She answered with a searing kiss that may have suffocated a lesser man. She answered with the clench of her body around his, and her warm breath in his ear and the silent tear that he pretended not to notice trailing down the side of her face. He kissed her and collapsed next to her and for the first time since he had known her, he felt certain that he knew exactly what she felt and he shut his eyes in absolute relief.
They laid together in his bunk, nestled in each others arms, their breathing and the Falcon's ventilation system the only sounds invading the silence. She pressed her back against him and his hand trailed lazy circles along her shoulder, down her arm and on her stomach. She took his hand and studied his palm for a moment before she planted delicate kisses upon each hard-earned callous.
When she was done, she pressed her lips against the soft skin of his open palm and rested there for a long, quiet moment. Pulling her face away, she turned towards him and asked in a low, raspy voice, "What's worse, Han? Living for everyone else or living only for yourself?"
He watched her for a moment and she turned her head to look up at the bulkhead above them. This is what she needed from him, he thought. The long hours they spent in her bed on Coruscant while she playfully asked him questions took on a whole new meaning to him now.
Her eyes moved slowly to meet his again and then she added, "Seems either way, you end up alone."
He grasped the coverlet and brought it tightly around them, gathering her up in his arms as he did so. Their faces now nose to nose as he said, "We're not alone."
She looked at him, her eyes naked and full of pure emotion, absent of the fear, doubt and defensive barriers that usually resided there. He saw only love, trust and hope. He knew in that instant that what she had said in the lounge had been her greatest triumph and that that admission was her truest declaration of love.
He took a deep breath and spoke into her silence, "Maybe there's another option."
She leaned her body into him and her eyes sparkled in the reflective lighting of his cabin. She hung on his words, as to a lifeline. "What's that?"
He placed his hand on the side of her neck, right below her ear. He rubbed his thumb on her cheek as he smiled like a little boy with a secret. He leaned into her, his words escaping his lips in a heavy breath. "Living for each other."
She closed her eyes in acceptance and agreement. He watched as his words washed over her like a healing salve, and then he leaned into her and kissed her.