DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine. Just the story.
Olivia laid her head back against the soft pillow and closed her eyes. This hospital was good, she had to admit it. The blankets were warm and worn-in, the pillows weren't stiff but fluffy and pliable. The fact that she was so comfortable made the fact that she was scared as hell a little easier to bear.
When Connie had suggested she go to the hospital, Olivia knew that she was intentionally keeping the concern from her face. Her co-worker didn't want to terrify her and Olivia appreciated that. She was terrified enough.
Pre-term labor, the doctor's had told her. They'd immediately hooked her up to a fetal monitor, which she'd wear for the next eight weeks. They decided to keep her overnight for observation, kept her plugged in to an I.V. for hydration and even given her a little something to help stop the labor. And she had some bed rest to look forward to as well. Great.
How the hell was she going to manage that? She was alone. Every time she'd picked up the phone to call Elliot, her fingers wouldn't work. She could hear his voice in her head but, for the first time since they'd known each other, she didn't know what he would say.
Her arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her belly, trying to urge her child to stay put. She missed Elliot, she missed him more than she could bear.
She sighed and turned her head, attempting to rest but finding the silence unbearable. The silence left her alone with her thoughts. And her thoughts always came back to Elliot. To his soft, strong hands on her; to his voice in her ear; to his nose in her hair, his mouth on her neck. If she was being honest, that night with Elliot was… well, it was the best damn night she'd ever had.
It was the first time in her life that she'd ever felt complete, truly loved. Elliot was her partner, her equal; he was the one person who really saw her, who understood her. Olivia was complex, she knew she was, and her past was tragic. She had spent her life trying to deal with the fact that she was the product of an event so unspeakable, so horrific… and her mother had to look at her each and every day, a constant reminder of the worst night of her life. Olivia had always felt that unspoken hatred, even as a child. Her mother… God, her mother had tried. But she couldn't ever really love Olivia. Instead, she'd drowned herself, attempted to submerge her pain in alcohol, hoping it might ease the hurt she felt every single day since the night she was raped.
Olivia, attempting to make amends, dedicated her life to victims like her mother. But she'd never found… love. She'd never found someone to accept her for who she was… the child of a rapist, just trying to find her rightful place in the food chain. But Elliot didn't see her that way. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he saw her as a cop, as a friend… as a woman.
Olivia sighed again, softly. She heard a shuffle by the door and opened her eyes, expecting a nurse but getting the surprise of her life.
"Elliot…" she breathed. His muscular frame stood in the door of her hospital room, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his face full of emotions he tried to keep at bay. He smiled at her, the half-smile she loved so much, his blue eyes genuinely pleased to see her. Olivia's stomach did somersaults… was it her stomach or the baby?
"How… where…" Olivia shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "What are you doing here?"
Elliot took a small step forward, a small step closer to her. He was awkwardly trying to close the 700-mile gap she'd put between them. She wished he would speak, she wanted desperately to hear his voice. He looked at the ground, she could tell her was choosing his words. "Your captain," he began. His voice was like water flowing over smooth rocks. It soothed her and she felt her child give a little kick, up toward her heart. "He called Cragen. He said you were the best cop he'd ever had working for him."
Olivia looked down at her hands on her belly. What must Elliot be thinking right now? She couldn't even imagine…
"But he said you were useless almost from day one."
Olivia chuckled and looked up at Elliot. "That sounds like him."
"Liv…" She closed her eyes as he said her name. It was perfection. When she opened her eyes again, he was closer to her. Just a bit closer, but somehow, she felt warmer.
"El, I…" Olivia paused, her voice breaking with emotion. She fought hard against the tears in her eyes. The baby kicked again, nudging her toward Elliot. "I don't know what to say." She looked at him and touched the spot where their child had kicked.
"Just tell me the truth, Olivia." She sensed the anxiety in his voice. He was upset and trying hard to maintain control. "Tell me everything."
Olivia stared at him. Now was the time. She knew it was coming; she should have known it wouldn't happen on her terms, but his. She nodded slightly and Elliot sat in a chair, a mere three feet from her bed.
"I couldn't face you," she began, staring at her hands in her lap. Apparently, she still had difficulty facing him "What happened between us was…" She tried desperately to find the right word without being to cliché.
"Incredible." Just as she came up with the word, Elliot finished her thought.
Her head snapped up and her eyes met his. She smiled and she saw Elliot melt a little right there in front of her. Perhaps he didn't hate her after all…
"Yes," she said almost breathlessly. "Incredible. No one has ever truly touched me before you, Elliot." She blushed at her admission. "But it changed everything. You changed everything the moment you kissed me. I was suddenly the other woman and I couldn't stand it, knowing how-" She stopped abruptly, her eyes never leaving his. Could she say it? Could she finally say it? If not now, then when?
"Knowing how…?" Elliot led her, willing her to say the words. She almost heard hope in his voice.
His voice emboldened her and she spoke clearly, confidently. She was not wrong to feel the way she did, even though Elliot was married. "Knowing how much I loved you."
Neither of them smiled; they only stared. They were finally being honest. After so many years of hiding the truth, now was the time. As Elliot's eyes bore into hers, she felt her resolve wane slightly. She turned her gaze back to her hands.
"I… I couldn't stay. I couldn't see you again after that. I left that night knowing you went home to your wife, to your family. I'd never felt more alone in my entire life. And I couldn't stand it. I couldn't subject myself to that kind of pain anymore. I'd become a masochist, going in to work everyday, seeing you there, saving your life, depending on you to save mine. So I left. I came here." She ran her hands up and down her swollen belly and she watched Elliot's eyes follow the motion with a mixture of anxiety and curiosity.
"I didn't know I was pregnant when I left."
She heard Elliot exhale and watched him stand. He did this when he needed to think something through; the movement helped him process. Olivia allowed him the space he required and didn't speak again.
"So…" Elliot spoke after a few moments, turning toward her. His eyes, sharp at first gaze, turned soft when they met hers. His voice softened as well. "So… it's mine then?"
So that's why he'd come… to find out if the baby was his or if she'd slept around once she'd gotten here. Is that how he thought of her?
"Jesus, Elliot," she spoke before she thought about what she was saying. "What kind of person do you think I am?"
That was the wrong thing to say.
"I don't know Olivia," he squared his shoulders and faced her dead on. He knew how to challenge her. When they were partners, they'd sparred frequently. In fact, they were good at it. They could fight with the best of them. "But I certainly didn't take you for the kind of woman who fucks a man and then leaves him."
His words stung her. She'd never heard him say anything like that before. "Is that what you think I did?"
Elliot didn't speak.
"Shit, Stabler, I left because I thought it would be best. You're married. I'd always complicated things with Kathy before, and if I'd stayed, they sure as hell would have gotten much more interesting."
"Apparently," he made a small gesture toward her belly.
She touched her stomach delicately. The baby had quieted down, as if sensing their raised voices and their need for room to argue. "El, I…"
"Don't say a word," he held up his hand. "You should have told me."
"I know," her voice was barely a whisper. The tears she'd been fighting since the moment he walked into the room spilled down her cheeks. She looked up at him and sobbed. "I didn't know how."
She buried her face in her hands and wept.