"Alfred?"

"Hey!"

"Alfred! !"

Ludwig begins to shake me furiously. I can't seem to form words. I'm utterly speechless.

"Alfred?" asks Toris again. I can't seem to raise my gaze off of the camera, staring at the picture I just took.

"I . . . go . . ," is all I could mumble before walking out of the kitchen. Before Ludwig can grab me, I dash outside to the front porch. I lean over the wooden rail, as if I were to throw up. I feel like I have to, but, nothing comes out of my mouth. Nothing will.

"Alfred! Alfred! Are you okay? !" yells Feliciano. I keep my gaze to the evenly cut grass, the way Toris cut it was just splendid.

"N-no," I finally utter. I look up at the small brunette.

"Feliciano, do you like Ludwig?" I ask calmly.

"What?"

"You know, he likes you. He talks about all the things you like and what your good at. He really likes you. He's been trying to learn how to cook better to impress you."

"Alfred I don't unders-"

"Of course you don't. Nobody ever understands," I say as I turn towards him. I reach out my hand and hand him my camera.

"Take it, tell everyone to leave my home," I say.

"Alfred! What the hell do you think you're do-? !"

I turn to Ludwig's face, stopping him in his tracks as he bursts into the porch as well.

"I want all of you gone," I say.

"Don't get ahead of yourself you dolt! Just calm down, we can-!"

I raise my hand at Ludwig, to stop him from anything he could say to change my mind.

"This whole time I was kidding myself, to actually think I can forget someone I loved. Now, someone just as dear is leaving me. I think it's best if I just spend a few days alone," I look up at Ludwig, with a sympathetic smile, trembling, as I try to squint my eyes hard enough so no tears would come out.

" . . . I see your point," he says, giving me another sympathetic smile. He takes the camera from my outstretched hand and nods his head forward.

"C'mon Feliciano, Alfred has to think about a few things, we'll be getting in his way. I'll make sure no one comes to bother you," he says. Feliciano follows behind him, going down the stairs, unsure of whether to actually listen to Ludwig for once. I turn around to watch them walk off. I felt bad, like I was kicking them out. But, whether Ludwig thinks it's a good idea or not to isolate myself, he listened to me.

"Here, you might want to develop this," he says as something black flew across the porch. I catch it in my hands. It's a roll of film.

"Develop it, will you?" he says as he turns his back to me again and raises his hand, a gesture that means goodbye. I look at it and clutch it in my hand as I decide to go back inside my kitchen, finally having the right words to tell Toris.

I find him, sitting at the table, quietly eating and picking at some eggs. I take my chair, right across him, and serve myself some pancakes and bacon. He looks up, startled I have come back without a tear in my face. I quietly cut my pancakes into small chunks, and as I reached across the table to grab some syrup, I feel Toris's eyes staring hard right at me.

"This is where we sat last time, when we almost kissed," he said. Too much syrup pours into my pancakes, startled by his comment. We've never brought it up.

"Did you ever like me? Or was it just something I imagined?" he asked. From the corner of my eye I can see him clench on his fork, unable to take his gaze off me.

"You need to go back home. Besides, Feliks needs you," I say.

"You lied to me! Why did you lie to me! ?" he yells as he slams both hands on the table. Startled, I flinch, but keep on eating and my eyes averted to my food.

"Lie?" I ask as if he was the one who was lying.

"I thought you liked me. You let me sleep with you, and eat with you, and live with you! You said all those nice things about me to people! Why do you keep lying? You're either playing me, or your just keeping it quiet! Is it because you've invested so much time in Arthur, that I'm not worth it? !"

"That's enough!" I yell back as I bolt out of my seat. He flinches as he reclines back in his seat.

"I do like you! I've never lied to you that way! But, someone needs you! Someone more than me! Feliks, he's meeker and weaker than me! He's out there by himself, waiting for you! I want to do this for him!"

"You've never showed interest in him before, this is the first time I hear you-!"

"Because I know what it feels like to miss someone," I say. I feel a nerve being touched off somewhere inside me. I'm trying to get him out of my life. He can't stay here. My love interest offers no sure thing. But he's willing to put everything in his. There's someone else out there I'm depriving of having such a wonderful person around him. I can't let another Alfred-Arthur case happen again, not on my watch. It's messed me up as a person. What was I thinking when I said loving someone made me a better person?

He stares at me, knowing full well I just offended my own self by bringing up how hard it was on me when Arthur was first away.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I didn't want you to think-"

"You're not another Arthur, if that's what you're thinking. I just thought Feliks might miss you. Aren't you two best friends?" I asked.

"We used to be together," says Toris.

"What?" I ask sounding a little too baffled.

"We used to be together, but we had to split as soon as all the wars started, then I had to leave before we ever got a chance to get back. But then you-"

"Get out Toris."

"What?" Now he's the one asking questions.

"Go back with Feliks, it's obvious to me you still like him," I say.

"No! Stop making it about other people! What about you? What do you want? !" he yells. I grab a glass and slightly push it off the table; that quiets him down.

"I hate to be the over-dramatic one Toris, but it seems you don't know what you want either. We both want someone else to make our decisions for us," I say. We both look at each other, unmoved but knowing that was completely true.

"Here, let's let fate decide," I say. He looks up at me like I'm crazy as I go to one of the kitchen drawer's. I take out some paper and 2 pencils.

"Write down what you want, and I'll write down what I want," I say as I sit back down in my seat.

"What? Are you mad? ! This is no way to decide-!"

"Hurry up, the juice is drying on the floor, I have to clean that up soon," I say as a lame excuse to get him to write. While we're both busy writing in our pieces of paper, I realize how hard this is for me. A piece of paper is what took to separate me and Arthur miles and miles away and shattered what I used to believe was a beautiful thing. Tch, how stupid can I get?

"Done," says Toris. It seems he knows what he wants. I scribble some more words on my paper. I want to make the point that he should go away, I can't deal with people right now. Besides, he has a bright future with a Polish blond who'd love to have him.

"Done," I say. We exchange papers.

I want to stay put. I am the happiest I've ever been. Sometimes I worry about what the person I most care about thinks in general. I get the feeling he wants to get rid of me because he can't deal with things and he thinks the only way to solve his problems is to sulk and think. Why won't you let me stay with you? I don't care if something bad happens, I love you and I always have Alfred!

I can't help but smile at it. I look across the table, to see him stare at my paper with an open mouth.

Mine reads:

Toris, just go away. I'm nothing but trouble and paranoia. If you want to damn yourself by being with me, be my guest. I'm no good; I'm a brat, and I am pretty unpredictable. It's not that I don't want you here; it's just that I know there's someone better for you and someone who will need you a whole lot more than me. Feliks is picked on a lot, and he can't defend himself, he's so impulsive and shy. If you really love me so much as you say, go back to him, and if you still love me, who am I to stop you?

"You're kicking me out?" he asks.

"Guess so," I say.

"Y-you jerk!" he squeaks as he gets up from his chair.

"Heh," I laugh. He walks up to me and pulls me out of my chair. He slaps me, it barely hurts. He begins to cry as he claws his hands into my coat. He begins to cry on my shoulder. We both know it's the right thing.

"It's not pity, right? We're not pitying Feliks, right?" he asks, sobbing.

"I'm not asking you to force yourself, I'm asking you to care about your friend. Stop being so selfish," I laugh as I pat his back.

"What are you talking about? Feliks is the definition of selfish," he laughs back.

Later that day, not even past noon, I help him pack his things into a suitcase. We eat lunch together. He have our sewing lessons like usual. Around 2 pm, I call for a car to pick him up. It takes a while to come because my home is in the rural area; it's less noisy and crowded.

We kill time by eating a little more. I spot the cab driving up the lonely road, passing by all the trees and wide fields. The dense forest surrounding the road makes time seem to pass all the slower.

"Your ride is here," I say as I stand up from my spot in the steps. The two of us sat there, waiting and talking about nonsense. He gets up too and starts pulling his luggage down.

"There's still time to change your mind," he says.

"What? To put all the blame in anything that will go wrong in your life on me? I don't think so," I laugh. I pat down my sweater, and smile as I stretch out my hand to him.

"Goodbye," I say. He meets my hand.

"Goodbye," he smiles back. He walks down the steps, rolling the luggage behind him. I stare at his back, the dark green parts of his coat flutter on this windy afternoon. I stand there, with my hands crossed in front of my chest.

It's the right thing to do. I tell myself.

The man helps him pull his luggage in the back of the car. Toris nervously thanks him, giving him a little bow. It makes me laugh a little.

I find myself smiling at him; he turns back to me and smiles. He gets into the car. Opens it twice to make sure it closed right. I can hear him struggle to clank the window down with the funny lever inside the vehicle. The car makes a small U-turn in front of my home. I can see by squinting hard that he shifts into the seat that faces my direction. We look eye at eye with each other.

He'll be okay. He's tough. I tell myself.

He waves at me thru the window. I wave back too.

The car begins to drive away ever so slowly, as if done purposely, almost to mock me in a sense.

As soon as I know it's safe enough, I can't help but run to the end of my front yard and into the road to keep watching his car drive away.

I can't let him see me. I can't let him think I'm sad. I tell myself.

I stand for a while till the yellow vehicle is completely gone from sight. I stand there and breathe in deeply.

Wow, he's gone. I think.

My breath is let out, and I find my throat hurting. I began to cry. Silently, I wiped the tears out of my face and head back to my home. I slowly walk inside and lock the door right behind me. Who knows how long it will be till I see him again.

I wonder if anything will change about liking me.

I smile and head into the kitchen to wash the dishes. I tie on a very girly looking apron on as I take off my coat and begin to wash the dishes.

We're so selfish, I think.

I pour more soap into the dishes. I wonder how Toris could've enjoyed washing and scrubbing this place. I can't even stand to touch my own dirty laundry. What was that song he used to hum all the time? Always when he cleaned and washed. Darn, I should've asked.

I hadn't realized just how much I was trying to change my life and other's in one day.

"Oh, the glass," I mutter to myself realizing I left broken glass on the floor. I get a broom and a trash can besides the mess as I try to pick up the large shards by hand and accidently poke myself with one.

"Oww!" I squeak.

I hadn't realized how selfish we could be, or really, how selfish a lot of people are. I guess, everyone in the world is selfish. Even a person who devotes their life to helping others is selfish itself, because they believe they can only work for other's benefits. How I'd like to be useful to others. I try so hard. But no matter how much I keep trying to make amends with myself, it never seems to change, and if I stop trying because there's no progress in anything I seem to do, it damns me even more.

"Ugh, life is so difficult," I mutter to myself as I start sweeping the small shards, some broom hairs getting stuck to the dry and sticky floor.

Maybe everyone was made to actually do what they want. It's the only way that seems to make everything alright.

I untie the apron and head into the living room.

The idea of giving myself time to 'think my feelings over' seems stupid to me now. I sit in my heavy chair, the one I usually sit in when I want to stare into the fireplace. I look up at my light-yellow ceiling. Reaching into my pocket I find the film Ludwig had tossed at me to develop.

"Stupid Lu, thinking I can actually make something," I scowl.

Then I remember I had taken tons of pictures of Toris; it's the only thing I need to know to motivate me to develop them. I rush to the attic to begin working on them.

"Do you think he heard us?" asked a very slender young man with long hair tied back.

"I don't think so," said another.

The two young men sat behind a large couch, going unnoticed ever since Alfred walked in his home.

"He should really lock his doors, aru."

a/n: review~! : )