DISCLAIMER: I'm only responsible for the story. Elliot and Olivia aren't mine.
A/N: Sorry for the slight delay. I'm trying to keep it to a chapter a night, but I didn't like this chapter when I first wrote it. I hope it's okay now... albeit a bit long! :)
Elliot watched her cry. It hurt more than he could have imagined. He knew that pregnancy made women hormonal and that her outburst was most likely due to that more than anything. But still. She was crying. And it was because of him.
Yes, he was angry. And he felt he had every right to be. But Olivia… she also had a right to be angry. And he understood that.
"Olivia," he said softly, a small attempt to calm her tears. "Liv…" She still wept. "Olivia, I don't know what to do here. Do you remember the last time I comforted you when you were like this?"
He saw Olivia stiffen and heard her laugh wryly. She sniffed heavily, took her head from her hands and wiped her tears. "Yeah," she said softly, staring straight at him. "We really fucked up, didn't we?"
"Well," Elliot said. "I wouldn't say that."
Olivia let out an honest laugh. "Really? I would."
She would? Elliot was surprised that this surprised him. He'd been too focused on the emotions he felt for her, so focused on getting to her that he didn't even stop to think that maybe she regretted ever sleeping with him. He supposed he could understand that, he had been married at the time. But still… he thought this was it, that she was it for him. And here Olivia was, telling him that this was just another mess in her life that she had to clean up. How could he have been so off base?
Now what was he going to do? Maybe it was time to put up some walls of his own. A self-preservation tactic… it might keep him from getting hurt. Well, too hurt. If he and Olivia were never going to happen, that would hurt like hell no matter how thick the walls were.
"El," she interrupted his thoughts, startling him into looking at her. Looking at her was a mistake. She looked so… beautiful. "How are you here? I mean, does, um… does Kathy know?"
Elliot sighed and began to pace around the room. He couldn't sit near her, he had to stay guarded. "Kathy…" He stopped and looked out the window of her hospital room, all of Chicago spread out before him. "Kathy and I are divorced."
"What?" Olivia hadn't even tried to hide the shock in her voice.
"Yup," Elliot turned toward her and tried to remain nonchalant.
"When?" Olivia asked him.
"She served me with the papers a week after you'd left. It was a long time coming," Elliot continued before he really thought about what he was saying. "My walking around in a coma for six days certainly didn't help things."
Shit. He realized that he'd admitted something he didn't care to admit. That her leaving had had a devastating affect on him, that he couldn't function without her.
"I—I…" she was speechless for a moment. He saw the wheels turning in her head, processing this new, huge piece of information. "I don't know what to say, El. I am sorry your wife left you but… but that's not my fault." She put up her hands in front of her, a defense mechanism. She knew him well and, in their old life together, saying something like that would have set him off.
"Don't misunderstand me," he started quickly, trying hard to keep his emotions at bay. "I'm not saying it was your fault. I'm sure you had your reasons for leaving." This wall he'd started to build in front of him was starting to hurt. He wanted to hold her, to tell her he was sorry for taking advantage of her, for hurting her, for forcing her away… he wanted to tell her that he loved her. But he couldn't.
"I did, El, you know I did." Her voice was soft. He knew she was referring to the fact that he'd been married, that he'd finally had the affair that had been building for so many years. He'd made her into his mistress, when they both knew she was much more than that.
"Yeah," he said, turning his back on her. He didn't want to admit anymore than he already had.
"Christ, Elliot, are you going to shoulder any of the blame here? Or just throw it all on to me?"
She was always good at calling him on his shit. That's exactly what he was doing. He was terrified to admit his feelings for her. In a strange twist of events, Olivia was the one being honest in this conversation, not Elliot. Apparently, her emotions were held back by a floodgate; she only had two settings: closed and open. Right now, she was open. It made Elliot feel like shit.
"I'm pretty much going to let you take all of it."
"Fuck you."
"You shouldn't say things like that," he turned on her. "Our baby can hear you."
Our baby. He'd said Our baby.
She had no idea what to say to that. He knew he'd leveled her with those two words. Our baby.
He had an overwhelming urge to touch her belly, to close the gap between them, to breathe in her scent. He hadn't forgotten: amber, pomegranate, bergamot. So musky and sexy, so uniquely her.
He knew what he wanted: Olivia and their child. But he couldn't force himself to give in. His pride took over and he refused to be vulnerable. He refused to be a victim.
As he stared into her eyes, he saw something shift in her. He saw the floodgates close and he saw her become really, really pissed off.
"What the hell do you want, Elliot? Why are you here?" She was going to force him to admit things that he'd kept locked away for seven months. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
"I'm your partner. It's my job to make sure you're alive and to keep you that way."
"You're not my partner anymore," Olivia countered. "I don't work in Manhattan SVU, remember? So you can give up whatever need you feel to protect me. I can do it myself."
"Yeah, you've done such a great job so far." The words ran away with him, he couldn't stop himself from speaking. He knew it would hurt her. "That's why you're here, in Chicago, in this hospital room… completely alone."
Well, if it hurt her she certainly didn't show it. In fact, she was almost too quick to respond. "At least I haven't built my life on a lie that I'd convinced myself was true."
There it was. That brutal, honest truth again. How could he argue?
He couldn't. He just stared at his feet. She was right. He hadn't loved Kathy in a long time and yet he'd continued on with her, making more children, building the life he thought she wanted. And all this time, what he'd really wanted was Olivia in all her feisty, sexy, guarded, vulnerable glory. She gave it to him straight; she told him when he was being an asshole. It was only when it came to herself that she told half-truths.
What the hell was happening? When he started this journey, Elliot had only planned as far as seeing her again. When he boarded the plane for Chicago, he hadn't known what he was going to say to her, but he knew now that this wasn't how he wanted it to be. Why did she have to be so honest with him? She had answered every question he'd asked her openly, despite the fact that it made her look like the bad guy. And he couldn't even give her a straight answer on why he'd come looking for her when she'd made it very clear she didn't want to be found.
He opened his mouth to finally apologize and tell her everything, when a nurse walked in. Dammit, he thought, running a hand through his short hair.
"Hello, Ms. Benson!" she called brightly, oblivious to the argument that had been taking place prior to her interruption. "I've just come to check on you."
Olivia looked away from Elliot and up into the nurse's grinning face. "Sure," Olivia smiled politely.
The nurse checked her I.V. bags and the needle in her arm, as well as the fetal monitor. "Everything is looking okay, Olivia," she said softly. "I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your baby seems to be doing just fine."
Olivia breathed a sigh of relief and ran her hand over her stomach, silently communicating to their child. Their child.
"And who is this young man?" the nurse nodded toward Elliot and smiled warmly at him.
"Oh, I, uh, I…" Elliot stammered, unsure as to how to answer that question.
"This," Olivia began calmly, gesturing toward him. "Is the baby's father, Elliot Stabler."
Elliot stared at her, this woman he loved. If it was possible, he fell in love with her even more at that moment. He'd had no idea that was what he wanted from her in that moment, but it was simple enough: he wanted her to say that he was the father of the child she was carrying. He was going to be a father. It felt like the first time all over again.
"Oh!" the nurse exclaimed. "Well congratulations young man!"
Elliot returned her warm smiles with gratitude. He would forever be indebted to this woman for making Olivia say the words that made his heart swell with pride and love. "Thank you," he whispered.
The nurse smiled at him again, patted Olivia's hand and left the room wordlessly.
Both Elliot and Olivia stared at their hands, not knowing what to say to each other. What could they say to each other? It seemed as though they'd broke this beyond repair. They were both too proud to admit their feelings for each other. Olivia had tried to be honest with him and he'd thrown it in her face. He didn't think she'd try again. It was his turn.
"Liv," Elliot began. "I… I'm sor-"
"Wait," Olivia sat up quickly and put her hand to the right side of her belly. "Come here. Quick."
Elliot was alarmed. "What is it? Are you okay?" Without thinking, crashing through those walls he'd been building for the last twenty minutes, he crossed the room toward her, closing the gap between them, finally ready to do whatever she needed.
She grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach, low near her hip. "Wait," she whispered, staring straight into his eyes.
He couldn't take it, looking at her, seeing her, touching her belly, feeling her hand on his. He looked away as he felt the emotions swell in his chest. He was about to pull away, to retreat to safety when he felt a tiny bump against his hand.
Quickly, he looked up at Olivia with joyful surprise in his eyes. He'd felt this before with his other five children, but this… this was so different. It was Olivia. Olivia. He grinned.
He felt it again and looked fondly at the spot where their baby's tiny foot or hand or head was pressing against him. He was overwhelmed. "Liv," he said, his hand still on her belly. "Liv, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forced you away, I'm sorry I took advantage, I'm sor-"
He felt her hand cover his mouth. "Elliot." She stopped him with a word. "We're both sorry," she said. "This never should have happened."
"That's not why I'm apologizing, Olivia. I'm not upset that it happened. I'm just sorry that I put you in a compromising position that night."
Olivia smiled at him genuinely. "You had me in more than one compromising position that night," she joked.
He laughed. He had to. "Touche," he smiled at her warmly, lovingly.
Olivia smiled at him again, almost half-heartedly. He knew she was thinking about that night and the many ways this had gone wrong. She ran her hands up and down her belly again and sighed very softly.
Finally, the words struck him. He knew what to say to her.
"It's okay to be happy about this child, Olivia."
She didn't look at him; she just stopped moving and closed her eyes. That was it. That was all she needed. He knew it. He'd finally done something right, he'd finally done something to make her happy. He knew she must have been living in complete anxiety these last seven months; he knew she hadn't deliberately misled him. She would have called had she known what to say, had she known he and Kathy weren't together anymore. This wasn't her fault. He took her hand silently and looked at her.
She finally looked at him with soft, caramel eyes and simply said, "Thank you."