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Reid finally caught his breath and could once again think. Never could he ever feel the same about himself again, about what he did to himself. He wished he'd listened to Hotch and stayed in the kitchen, but it was fate. It was a good thing though. It showed him what he did to himself, and now, Spencer regrets ever taking that path.
"Hotch?" He asked as they sat on the couch.
"Yeah?" Hotch replied.
"I didn't think... I didn't listen." He said. Hotch was confused.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
Flashback:
"It may help you forget, but it won't make it go away." Ethan said plainly.
"What do you mean?" Reid asked without making eye contact.
"You feel pain." Ethan motioned to Reid's arms. To that gesture, Reid pulled his sleeves down. "But it makes you numb. Just because you have suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you are. Feelings are different than actions. In order to feel pain, you have to be alive, so if you kill yourself, you won't feel the relief it gives you, does that make sense?" Ethan asked.
"In a way, I guess." Reid commented. "But then I'll be completely numb if I'm dead."
"Being numb is a feeling, you have to be alive to feel." Reid nodded.
"I know, but..."
Ethan raised his voice. "No buts! It's simple, you die, you don't feel anything. Nothing is different than being numb! Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I do, I really do. I'm confused, I'm being stupid, I just want it to go away!" Reid yelled. Ethan smiled.
"It won't go away, it'll always be there, it just depends on how you handle it. Take it this way. you have a stick, right." They continued walking down the path in the woods. He picked a stick up from the ground. "The right side is all the bad things, right?" Reid nodded reluctantly. "The left is the good. Now, break the left off." Reid did as told. "Now, what are you left with?"
"A left and right... good and bad." He looked up. He realized what Ethan was saying now.
"Right, so no matter what you do, the bad things are always going to be there, just in a different way."
"But that doesn't help me." Reid looked up.
"It will. You just have to think about it more. Remember that." Ethan walked away, leaving Reid there to make a decision that would literally mean life or death.
End of flashback.
Reid was crying after he told Hotch about the talk he had with Ethan.
"Reid, you didn't understand. You do now, so it doesn't matter... it was fate. There's a reason that happened." Reid nodded.
"I have to go somewhere..."
"We made a deal. I'll go with you." Reid shook his head.
"I have to go alone." As he stood, Hotch gripped his shoulder firmly. "Please Hotch, just an hour..."
"Ok, just tell me where."
"I'll only tell you it's somewhere I haven't been since my dad left." He turned around.
"An hour." Reid nodded.
Reid walked for ten minutes until he reached his destination. He silently walked in the doors and sat in one of the pews. He bowed his head and prayed for everyone, everything, and himself.
"I know the wrong I've done, and I shouldn't have a say in anything anymore, for trying to waste the life you gave me, but I ask for forgiveness, I pray and hope for everyone, and I pray I'll someday be able to make ammends to my family and to my Mother. In Jesus name I hope and pray, Amen." He sat there for an hour, loosing track of time. Suddenly, a door finally opened. He was surprised to see Hotch there.
"I figured you'd be here." He said quietly.
"It's obvious. I just... I needed one place to go where it's impossible to be judged, and hope isn't limited to only one person, where it doesn't matter who you are or what you've done. Somewhere neutral." Reid said looking straight ahead.
"Somewhere spiritual." Hotch concluded. Reid nodded.
"I used to come every Sunday when my Mom wasn't..." Reid paused. "And my Dad still took care of our family. He used to play baseball with me, and he didn't care that I couldn't hit the ball to save my ass, he just cared that I was somewhere I wasn't alienated. But, that all stopped and he..." Reid started to sob when Hotch nodded. "That all started after my Mom got sick." Hotch patted Reid on the back.
"It's alright. You don't have to worry about that anymore. You have a family now... A whole family, one that won't ever let you down."
"But what if I become my Mother. Then what will happen. I know you guys wouldn't be the same without me, heck, we weren't the same after Elle left... what'll happen if I have to leave too, I don't know if you guys will be able to deal with two family members leaving."
"Spencer... she left on her own free will. If you have to leave, we'll still see you. We'll take care of you like you should've been when you were little. We are never going to alienate you, that will never happen again." Silence filled the room, and after another ten minutes, the two left feeling much better.
A/N: Aww, that turned out better than I thought it would, at least I think. Hope you review. They encourage me to write.