A/N: Thanks for the wonderful reviews, and I'm sorry for not updating... not to worry you, but I've been considering suicide lately, but no worries, you guys are too important to me. =) oh, and everything at first until the first break was from the first version of chapter seven that I forgot I even wrote. I just feel it would be good to add it, even though it's major OOC and bull crap.
-
Hotch didn't know what to do. He couldn't trust Reid anymore being alone, but what was he supposed to do? Breath down his neck and nag him for every move he makes? Most certainly not. He was an adult, and he couldn't force Reid to do anything, so, he concluded, if he doesn't want help, then how is he supposed to help him? He planned to show Reid what it does to others if he hurts himself like he's been doing. The only way to do that is for him to do the same exact thing that Reid's been doing. Hotch sighed, knowing it wasn't good, but it was a good idea. So he took a knife and cut the top of his arm away from his veins, only enough to shed some blood and went back to Reid's room. He wasn't there, so he went by the bathroom and noticed the lights on. He knocked but didn't hear anything, so he went inside and picked Reid up off the floor, noticing the blood on his arm. He quickly wrapped his arms in a towel and sat him on the bed while shaking him awake. Soon, he was awake.
"What? I was sleeping." Reid noticed the towel wrapped around his bloody arm and looked at Hotch without emotion.
"If you keep hurting yourself, then I have no choice but to show you how much it hurts others." Reid looked confusedly at Hotch. Hotch pulled the bandages off his arm, revealing shallow cut on his arm. Reid looked away. "Everytime you hurt yourself, I'll hurt myself the same way."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I'm trying to teach you something. You need to learn that doing this..." Hotch grabbed Reid's arms tightly. "...hurts and effects everyone around you. You know you're not alone..." Reid pulled his arms away violently while standing up.
"Maybe I WANT to be alone! Maybe I don't like being around other people or not having my own secrets. Maybe I want all of you to get the hell out of my life!" Hotch stood too.
"Maybe you're very upset and don't mean that." Hotch grabbed Reid's shoulders and sat him down gently. Tears started to cascade over his face silently.
"Maybe I do just want to die." Hotch looked at him with the sadness clear on his face.
"And with saying that, I know I'll have to keep an extra eye on you. You don't know what you'd be leaving, you don't know what'd you do to the rest of us if that happened. If you did that, we'd all fall apart, so if you're going down, we're going down with you. Maybe you should think about that everytime you think about suicide." Hotch stood and left. Reid rolled over in his bed and closed his eyes tightly.
When he woke up from a restless sleep, he went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. It was still early, but he needed something to do to distract him from what he might do to himself. He set the coffee pot and turned it on, then turned his attention to what he should make. His stomach was only set on coffee, but he knew he had to eat something, so he got out the pancake mix and eggs. When he just started to make them, a groggy Hotch stepped into the kitchen. Reid didn't acknowledge that he was there, because he was still a little angry about Hotch being so cruel to him.
"Reid... are you alright?" Reid didn't move. Nor did he even notice Hotch talking to him, he was deep into thought. "Reid..."
"What?" Reid said in an annoyed type of tone.
"Are you alright?"
"Never better." Reid said sarcastically. Hotch just sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, to which Reid shrugged off. "Besides the fact you've been a complete asshole to me."
"I did what I had to do. I'm not going to give up on you, you know that right?" Reid quickly turned around.
"Maybe I WANT you to give up on me. I've given up already. I'm just sick of feeling."
"You need help..." Hotch added.
"Well thank you captain obvious. Why don't you just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and I'll fix it with my pixie dust, would that make you happy?" Reid asked.
"It's not that simple."
"You don't think that I know that. I already told you that I've given up, so quit trying to change who I AM!"
"It's not who you are, it's your mistake." Hotch said calmly. Reid didn't have anymore energy to argue, so he just grabbed two cups and poured coffee in each, making his own with extra sugar. He handed Hotch his cup.
"I'm tired of trying, so I guess I'm not working at the BAU anymore. I'm not going to stop cutting." Reid said bluntly. "No matter how hard you try, I'm not going to quit." Reid walked to the living room after setting the food on the table. Hotch sighed and followed him. "I'm not going to talk about this anymore." Reid stated.
"Then don't, but you're going to listen." Reid glared at him. "All of us are worried about you and don't want to..." Reid turned his ipod on and the volume was so high that Hotch could tell he was listening to Slipknot. He never imagined the young genius to be a metal fan. "Reid..." Reid just turned the volume up louder. Hotch had enough. He pulled the ear buds out of his ears and looked at him with unblinking eyes. Reid glared, not blinking, either. "Please quit ignoring." Reid crossed his arms and pouted. "I need you to listen." Hotch grabbed his arms tightly and Reid tried to pull away to no avail.
"Let go of me!" Reid demanded.
"You need to stop doing this. If I have to set up an entire intervention, I will. If I have to threaten to send you to rehab, I will. The whole team, your family, is worried about you. For God's sake, I'm worried about you. I don't know what's made you like this, but all I care about right now is you and your health. Physically or emotionally." Reid closed his eyes tightly trying to hold the tears in that started to shed from his eyes. "What do you have to say?"
"Leave me alone. And don't be surprised to find me dead in my room!'' Reid pulled his arms away and ran to his room. Hotch followed. "Get out of my room!" Hotch walked to him and grabbed his shoulders tightly, but Reid looked away.
"Look at me!" Hotch said in a harsh tone. "You need to see what I'm going through, what the whole team is going through, to make sure you're alright. You need to stop now, and know that we're all going to be here for you, no matter what."
"I don't want anybody to 'help' me. I don't want anybody to stop me. I just want to be alone forever. I like being alone. And you're lucky I'm not doing drugs, cause the way I feel now, I don't care if I kill myself overdosing. In fact, I want drugs right now! I want a sharp razor right now, and I want to be ALONE right now! So please leave, or I'll call the police to..."
"I'm an FBI agent, on top of it, I'm sure they'd like to be the ones to escort you to a mental institution for an evaluation." Reid glared at him.
"Get out. NOW! Maybe if you leave me alone, I won't want to kill myself in ten minutes, but I just need to be alone right now." Reid said angrily.
"I can't do that. You just threatened to kill yourself, and I'm not going to take that chance. So you can just calm down, we'll be alright again..."
"NO! Nothing will ever be alright again, I'll never be alright again, and frankly, I don't want to. I like myself just the way I am, and I never want to change. The old 'me' was nothing compared to me now. And I want to keep it like this. Quit trying to make me what you want me to be. You're smothering me in my own home, God dammit!"
"I'm afraid I might lose you." Hotch said quiet and sadly.
"Don't be, cause you already have. I have." Reid said quietly, almost a whisper.
"No you haven't. You, you just need some help to get back on track." Hotch said.
"I will never be alright.''
"You need to be more optimistic."
"And you need to smile more." Hotch smiled sadly.
"I only smile when the time is right." Hotch stated.
"I'm going to sleep...''
"I'm not leaving." Hotch said.
"Figured you might say that."
Reid rolled over on his bed and went to sleep.
When Reid awoke, he was yet again laid on his bed, but Hotch wasn't there this time to talk to him. He figured he'd be in the other room, or asleep at that, so he sat up. There was a note by his bed. He picked it up and read. The words were saddening, and he didn't know what to make of it.
I'm sorry if I can't protect you from yourself... I try my best, but it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I don't know what to do. I'm close to trying to get you into observation because I am very worried about you. I'm sorry if it comes down to that, but I have to do what I have to in order to keep my family safe. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Have a few things to do. -Hotch
Reid didn't know what to make of it. Hotch was leaving me here alone, he thought, has he really come close to giving up on me? He thought and thought harder... he didn't know what to do. He couldn't stop self harming... no way he'd do that... but if he kept doing it, Hotch would send him off to observation, then he'd be sure to be committed to a mental institution. He didn't know what to do. After long thinking of the pros and cons of the possible scenarios, he decided on one solution.
When Hotch got home, he'd expected to see Reid in the living room, or even asleep... or anything. He shrugged. He thought he was maybe sleeping or in the bathroom. Then it hit him... he actually left him alone. The severity of leaving him alone hit him like a gust of wind from a tornado. He ran and checked every room, checking Reid's room last. Once he noticed Reid was gone, he stood shocked at what he saw. His closet was half empty, and things were thrown around, and the only thing in the room that wasn't mutilated was a piece of paper sitting neatly on the bed that had been bared. After noticing it there, Hotch swiftly picked it up and read it. He pulled out his phone quickly and called Morgan, not wanting to stir the team up too much, only Morgan. He didn't give any details, just told him the vague summary of what happened. Before Hotch had ordered Morgan to meet him outside the apartments, Morgan was already on his way there.
Reid drove for an hour. He didn't even realize his subconscious was actually driving him. The music was playing, and it made tears in his eyes as a storm rolled in and left droplettes of water on his windshield making the mood depressing. Songs played over and over... Broken, by Lifehouse... then My Immortal, by Evanesscence. Then it was Bleed It Out by Linkin Park. finally the song that made him whole heartedly made him cry: In Pieces by Linkin Park. After his knuckles became white from gripping too tightly, and his whole body shaking, the radio was turned off, and left Reid to his tears. He wiped at them angrily. Everybody always left him, now it was time to turn the tables and show them how it felt to worry about somebody leaving without notice. (sorry, from here I'll be using Notepad because open office wouldn't stop doing the breaks).
After a few minutes left of driving, he didn't notice that he reached a small cabin at the end of the trail. Once his mind was back to reality, he noticed it was Gideon's cabin that he was at. The last time he was there was when Gideon wasn't showing up for work. He noticed the tears forming in his eyes again. He needed Gideon, but he'd never see him again. He just wished that there was a way to talk to him, just once. Why did everything that went wrong happen to him? WHY HIM? After tense minutes of silence, he finally got out of his car and walked slowly to the cabin and waiting another minute before the front door. Reid stepped inside and noticed everything was the same as last time. It was fairly cold from the heat being turned off, and it didn't help that it was late Fall either. As if he'd never been there before, he inspected every inch of the cabin. When he finally reached the dining table where he found the letter on... 'that day', he noticed another note was placed where the other one was. He remembered when he left a letter for Gideon, hoping he'd come back, for some reason, and read the letter. He got lucky. He read. The cell phone number was left. Reid's heart raced. He didn't know if he should call gideon or forget it and go about his own life. Gideon would probably just leave him again, he thought. But another side of his heart told him too, before his life got so depressing and he ended up being found as a frozen corpse, if he'd ever be found. It was about twenty minutes later that he decided to call. He picked up the phone and dialled the number. After several rings, there was a shocked voice on the other end of the line.
"Spencer?"
When Morgan got there, he demanded an explanation. Hotch explained everything, and Morgan thought of something.
"Did he take his cell phone?" Morgan asked. Hotch's eyes widened before going inside and checking everywhere, going back to the door to Morgan. He shook his head. Morgan took his cell phone out and called Garcia.
"What? Why would I have to track Reid's cell phone? What happened?" She asked worriedly.
"Garcia! I'll tell you in a while, just track it... listen... you know I'm sorry babygirl. Don't worry for now, we'll tell you later."
"But..."
"Garcia, put on your happy face. Don't tell anybody, we don't want to stir up the team." Morgan said sweetly.
"Okay, my chocolate thunder... I'll try." They waited a few seconds. "Guys... he's at Gideon's cabin." The two looked at each other.
"Gideon... I-." Reid stuttered. He was crying now, yet again. Gideon noticed it, and became worried.
"Spencer, what happened... what's going on?"
"Please... I need to talk to you... not over the phone... please... help me..." Reid barely managed that out. He could hear Gideon moving around.
"Where are you? Are you alright?" Gideon asked. He was getting really worried. He wasn't exactly expecting a call from him a year after he left, but then again, he just left the note and number there a week ago. And although it was only a week ago that he left the cabin yet again, he was only two hours from it.
"I-I'm at your cabin... I'll be fine for now, but... I don't know how much longer... please... where are you?" Reid managed a full sentence.
"I'm only a couple hours away. I'm coming Spencer, don't worry." Gideon hung up.
Morgan and Hotch hurried to the SUV and pressed the speed limit as far as they could. They hoped they wouldn't be too late if Reid tried anything. The ride was tense for a minute, until somebody finally spoke, filling the quiet air around them with sound.
"Do you think he's alright?" Morgan asked.
"He's self harming, considering suicide, and at Gideon's cabin... I don't think he's alright." Hotch's words weren't exactly comforting, but it was better than the silence. It almost seemed like a nightmare... everybody dancing with their demons, except they weren't able to wake up in sweat because it wasn't over yet. Not another word was said as they headed toward their destination.
Gideon couldn't stand wondering if Spencer was alright each second he stared at the road. He finally picked his phone up and pushed recall. Spencer immediately picked up.
"Spencer... please just tell me what's wrong right now... please. It's scaring me." Gideon pleaded.
"I-I can't tell you right now. Please, don't make me tell you over the phone." Reid sobbed out.
"Spencer, it would help me a lot right now if you just told me." Gideon waited, but Reid said nothing. "Okay... just... be careful. Are you staying warm."
"Yes... it's not that cold." Reid managed sadly.
"Okay..." Gideon said with reluctance. "You make sure you stay safe, I'll be there in about an hour." Gideon hung up. He sighed... he hoped Reid would tell him what's wrong.
After trying to call Reid yet again, Morgan gave up... it seemed their boy genius was ignoring them. They just hoped it was him ignoring him, and not because he'd done something stupid. They weren't sure what to do when they got there, but they knew they just had to make sure he was alright. They wouldn't be able to be the same if Reid ended up committing suicide. Hotch felt guilty for leaving him home alone, and Morgan must've been reading his mind, because that's when he spoke up.
"Hotch, it's not your fault, he could've left at pretty much any time. Just think about it, it is not your fault." Morgan said, but it had no effect. Hotch tighted his grip on the steering wheel, and his body tensed much more than what was thought to be possible. Morgan just sighed and sat back.
At the cabin, Reid sat at the table and buried his head in his arms. Soon he was asleep. -
Half an hour later, Hotch and Morgan finally made it to the end of the long trail to the cabin. They both jumped out and hurried inside and found Reid asleep at the table. They both sighed relief, but knew it was still going to be tough to talk to him. Hotch knelt down beside him and lightly shook him awake. When he opened his eyes, he glared.
"Go away." Reid said before shutting his eyes. Hotch looked at Morgan who stepped closer. Morgan took Reid by the arms and pulled him to his feet. "Let go! Just go away!" Reid didn't struggle. His voice was weak too. But that all stopped when Hotch reached for his arms. "Let me GO!" Reid got out of Morgan's grip, but not Hotch's. Morgan grabbed Reid again and held him on the floor tightly while Hotch unbuttoned Reid's sleeve cuffs. When Hotch rolled up the sleeves, Morgan closed his eyes. He couldn't take it... seeing his brother in pain. Reid had two new cuts that had already stopped bleeding, but that's not what Hotch was worried about. The cabin was cold... way too cold. Morgan noticed it too.
"Hotch... it's way too cold here... let's get him to the SUV..."
"NO! I'm not leaving." Reid sobbed as Hotch let him sit up. "Please... just go."
"We aren't going to let you stay here and freeze to death or kill yourself, Reid. You must be off your rocker if you think we're letting you do that." Morgan said angrily.
"I won't kill myself... and I won't freeze to death. And I'm not going to be alone." They both looked at each other. "Gideon left me his phone number... he should be here in half an hour... now please just go!" Reid begged.
"No... what makes you think I believe you? What makes you think I trust Gideon to take better care of you?"
"Yeah, because you're doing a great ass job of it!" Reid shouted. "... You left me alone! All it made me felt was abandoned. I was worried. I thought you gave up on me. I was so worried. You know that's how I felt when you thought I was dead when I left. You know how that feels? GO! Leave me ALONE!"
"No... not until we talk to Gideon." Hotch said after a few seconds. "Now, we can either wait and freeze in here, or we can go to the SUV and wait."
"I can wait here." Reid said.
"I wasn't asking." Hotch said. Reid stood up and glared at Hotch.
The whole twenty minutes they were in the SUV was completely silent. Gideon finally arrived, and Reid's heart started racing again. He didn't know what was going to happen... he was just happy he'd be able to see him again. They all got out once Gideon did. Gideon raced up to Reid and hugged him firmly. Reid had tears in his eyes. After a minute of hugging and tears, Gideon finally asked the question that was on his mind.
"What's going on?"
A/N: Okay, how cheesy can it get? Okay... blah blah blah time is over... to business time... err... review?