A/N: Well, I didn't update yesterday. I stayed awake all night and finally fell asleep at seven in the morning and didn't wake up until six in the afternoon. Today is my bday, and stayed up all night again, and four cups of coffee, I couldn't resist squeezing a chapter before the long day starts.

When the two finally got back to the apartment, nothing was said as they sat down and stayed quiet for a few minutes. Reid was for once bored. He had nothing to do, and his mind was racing through thoughts and memories of his childhood. He didn't want to revisit those, but he didn't know what to say to Gideon. And when Gideon was first to speak, Reid was thankful in one way, but feeling smothered yet again in the other way... then there was one way in his mind that just wished he could open the knife drawer and be alone, or at least feel the security and privacy... and normalcy of being able to lock his door, but all that was gone, and he felt exposed. He knew it was best for him, but he didn't want to be treated like he was on suicide watch, though he was, but still... he didn't need Gideon to think he'd try to kill himself any chance he got, and Reid didn't know how he'd get the older man to understand that without being able to prove it to him.

"What do you want to talk about today?" Reid opened his eyes with confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"I already told you we're going to talk every day. What do you want to talk about?" Gideon repeated.

"Um, how's the weather?" Reid knew it's not what Gideon meant, but he just didn't feel like talking about his feelings at the moment.

"Spencer, you know what I mean." Reid sighed

"I just don't feel like talking right now."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Okay... I'll just spill everything I feel then." Reid paused a moment. "I feel like crap... I wish I could just hurt myself to feel better in any way possible, I don't want to try anymore, I'm tired, exhausted. I think of horrid things from my past, hate pretty much everybody when I get agitated, um, I just want to be able to cry forever and never stop once, I want people to go away and let me be myself, and I hate everything about myself and wish I was a completely different person."

"And?"

"And what? You mean that wasn't enough?"

"I don't think you're being sincere. I think you're saying things what you think I expect you to. Sorry, try again." Reid sat back and closed his eyes.

"I'm really sad. I DO think of my past, and what it was worth in the end, and I don't know if my bad childhood was a cause of where I'm at now in a successful way... but I'm glad I'm here right now, and I know it could be worse, and I'm going to try and stop that from being possible. When I think about it, I don't know if I would've made it another day without you, and if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be here right now." Reid didn't say anything else, making Gideon sure he was one hundred percent sincere.

"That's enough for today I guess. I know you can do it..."

"What about you?" Reid asked absently.

"What do you mean?"

"You're making me spill my thoughts about this all, what about you?" Gideon sighed knowing Reid had a point.

"I think... I was blind before I left." Reid looked at him with confusion. "That everybody would be alright... and that you'd be alright. I considered the thought that anybody could be a self harmer, and ignored a short thought that any of you could. I thought about you... and figured you're smart, and wouldn't be dragged into something like that... so I dismissed that thought. I left without a care in the world except selfish things, and i regret every one of those. I didn't want to hurt you by leaving, I just wanted to escape. I never knew that it would have this effect." Gideon finally concluded.

"Gideon... it's not your fault." Reid punctuated every word. "It's all mine, and only mine. It has nothing to do with you. Please stop blaming yourself." Reid said before wiping the tears from his face.

"How long?" Gideon asked. Reid looked at him but didn't answer. "Tell me Spencer, how long has this been going on?"

"Not for long." Reid looked away. Gideon took his shoulders in a firm grip.

"Reid... how long have you been hurting yourself?"

"Before you left... maybe a month before you technically 'left'. When you stopped coming to work." Gideon nodded.

"I shouldn't have left."

"Gideon! Would you stop blaming yourself! It's not making me feel any better. I hate when people say it's their fault when they didn't even know. It was anything BUT your fault. Just... just leave me alone for a while..." Reid went to his room and shut the door. Gideon sighed. He knew it wasn't good to let Reid be alone after becoming very upset, but he figured he wouldn't be able to hurt himself. Gideon stood and walked to his room. He wished he could do more for Reid, but all he could do was wait and see. A few minutes later, he heard the water running, and didn't think anything of it, so he just went to sleep.

When he woke up, he walked out of his room and into the living room where Reid was sitting on the couch reading a book. He noticed Reid wasn't reading at his fast speed, but at a normal pace, turning the page once every minute. It seemed he was really into the book and didn't want to miss a word.

"Spencer, are you alright?" Reid looked up and closed the book.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. Life's great isn't it?" Gideon couldn't help but notice the intentional sarcasm, but didn't reply.

"It is if you open your eyes to the good things."

"That's great... for you. Why don't you tell me what you see. Wanna know what I see? I see graveyards when I close my eyes, and when they're open, I can see my life turning more dark than physically possible. How is that great?"

"Spencer, you need to calm down."

"I need to calm down? I thought this is what you wanted, for me to spill my thoughts... these are the most sincere thoughts I have right now."

Gideon grabbed his shoulders tightly. "You really need to calm down." Gideon said firmly while looking deep into Reid's hazel eyes. Reid jerked away and stood up.

"I'm tired of being told what to do! Let me make my own choices for once!" Reid said loudly. Gideon stood too.

"Sit down." Reid didn't move. Gideon took his shoulders and forced him to the couch. "I'm tired of this. You need to deal with your emotions and cope the right way. That does not include hurting yourself or yelling at people. You need to learn that real quick if you want to get better. You understand?" Reid nodded without looking Gideon in the eyes. "Another part of your routine you're not going to like." Reid looked and Gideon with confused eyes, and Reid jerked his arms away when Gideon tried to roll the sleeves up. "I'm sorry Spencer, but I have to, and there's no stopping it." Gideon reached for Reid's arms again, but he jerked them away. Gideon slapped Reid's thigh and spoke. "Spencer, you've been pushing me, and I'm not going to deal with it." After fighting Reid, Gideon was able to get a strong grip on his arms and finally able to roll his sleeves up.

"Gideon! Let go of me!" Gideon didn't listen. He inspected his arms and noticed his cuts from before were picked at. Gideon sighed and closed his eyes.

"When did you do this?" Gideon asked.

"None of your business." Reid said stubbornly.

"It's very much my business." Reid crossed his arms and glared at Gideon. "Spencer Reid... when did you do this?" Reid didn't answer. "Three... if I get to one, I'm calling Hotch, and he can deal with you." Reid didn't so much as glance at him. "Two..."

"Earlier today." Reid said without emotion.

"Why?"

"Because I felt like it." Reid replied with a tone of defiance.

"We'll talk about it later." Gideon waited a minute. "How's your sleeping routine?"

"Just like the rest of my life... fucked."

"Now, is there really need for that?" Gideon asked.

"Yes."

"And what do you say about it being like that?"

"I don't know... sometimes I wish I was happy and I didn't hate myself. Sometimes I also wish I could run away and die alone where nobody could find me... that's what I had in my mind before I called you. It was my intention too. I was going to say goodbye to memories, the only thing that stayed with me through everything, even when I betrayed them, then die there in the cold. I thought dark things, I thought of what it would be like if somebody found me dead with blood everywhere... and my body frozen... but after I actually thought about how dark my thoughts were, and how much I was in danger, I decided to call you. I waited, and then Hotch and Morgan came. My best guess is they had Garcia track my phone... which I didn't think about. They pinned me to the ground, and I tried to tell them to leave me alone, and they were making everything worse, but they didn't listen. I think the reason I didn't even try to quit with Hotch was because it felt like he wasn't listening, and didn't give me a chance to open up. I don't blame him though, he just doesn't understand, and I could never blame anybody for my own mistake." Reid finally finished. Gideon wrapped an arm around him.

"That's what I expect every time I ask you to open up. Don't you feel better now?" Reid nodded.

"I don't want to do this though. My thoughts are mine, and only mine... they don't mean anything." Reid said without looking up from his hands.

"They do matter, if you keep them inside forever, then they'll eat at you, and make you do something you don't want to." Reid nodded.

"I never wanted anybody to find out. Then when Hotch did, I was a complete jerk. He was only trying to help, and I purposely pushed him to make him feel terrible. I don't know why he's still helping me; I don't deserve to be helped."

"Yes you do. Admitting that you were mean to him is great, and that means you do deserve help. You may feel guilty, but over time, you'll heal in every which way, and the guilt won't be as bad." Gideon thought for a minute. "You know, every day that I was gone, I thought about everyone, especially you. And I do regret abandoning you, because this probably wouldn't have happened..."

"Gideon, please, stop blaming yourself. This doesn't have anything to do with you, it's all on me."

"A lot of people are to blame, but that doesn't mean you have to take all of it."

"Gideon, please stop... it wasn't anybody else, just me and only me."

"No, it was from me leaving, from the stress of the job, and everything else..."

"It wasn't from that though. I already told you, it's my mom..." Reid said sadly.

"That was just a trigger." Reid nodded.

"I'm going to go back to bed." Reid said while he stood up.

"You sleep too much..." Gideon said.

"Well, I'm tired."

"You have half an hour, then it's time for lunch." Reid was going to protest, but he just sighed and walked to his room.

A/N: Ugh, writer's block is spreading. I haven't gotten my vaccine yet, so yeah, I'll be spending my time outside for inspiration. When I have writer's block, I write very OOC... answer this in a review: Do you do the same? Please tell me!