In the thirty minutes Gideon gave Reid to use to get ready for dinner, Reid washed the temporary tattoos off and sat on his bed. The thoughts in his head weren't there anymore, he actually felt better than before. He knew not to fool himself as if the sadness was gone. He knew better. It would all come back, only to let his hopes for recovery to vanish like his happy memories and a good life had when his life wasn't as terrible and when he was still naive. There was nothing in his mind at the moment, he was just staring off into space where he felt safe from sadness and painful memories, where he was invincible, not even the smallest instigation was made there inside his quiet mind. He felt at peace, only to be pulled out from the paradise when Gideon knocked on the door. Reid nearly jumped and fell to the floor as the sudden noise filled the open air.
"You awake?" Gideon asked outside the door.
"Yeah..." Reid breathed. Gideon noticed his voice was a little shocked, but he wasn't sure why.
Gideon walked in. "You alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine... you just scared me." Gideon raised a brow, but didn't push further into the matter. He figured it was the truth, and if it wasn't, Gideon didn't want to know. He was still in slight denial of Reid's attempt at an abrupt departure to the world, but it was still there in his mind, forcing and pushing him, to comprehend the situation better than he'd grasped first attempt. He sighed while standing, leaving before the young man. Reid soon followed him to the kitchen where Gideon made Reid and himself a plate of food.
As they sat, not a sound was made as Reid looked down at his plate, moving the food around with his fork. He wasn't in the mood to eat. He didn't feel it was something a person like him deserved. Gideon looked over at him and prayed his profiling skills were still intact. He knew the kid was depressed by what Reid was telling him, but he didn't realize it was that bad. He was suddenly hit by realization that Reid was not okay, and that the matters were worse than what his mind was willing to allow. Gideon spoke quietly as to not scare the young man again.
"Spencer, you should eat... it's not healthy to starve yourself."
"I'm not starving myself. I never eat a lot." Reid countered without looking up. Gideon sighed inaudibly.
"I know when something's wrong."
"You already know what's wrong." Reid said still not looking up.
"I do, but... I just don't know." Gideon finally admitted.
Reid looked up. There were tears in his eyes, and Gideon now felt the pain the younger man felt. He knew why he was so sad.
"I don't deserve any help. I don't deserve people to care about me." Gideon sat in shock. It took a few moments for Gideon to grasp the words.
"Why's that?" Gideon pushed. He was hoping Reid would open up more than he thought he was, but it looked like he tricked the old profiler.
"I've been pushing people away... and they're still here. I don't deserve help." Gideon shook his head.
"That's not true."
"What is the truth then? Are you saying I haven't been a complete jerk, and that I haven't been trying to push people away?" Gideon didn't answer. "Tell me... I need to know the truth."
"It's expected." Gideon said vaguely.
"See. It's the truth."
"That has no determination whether or not we should give up on you. Not one single bit. We would never give up. If I have to follow you wherever you go, and take note of your every single move, I'll do it, because I will never give up. You shouldn't either."
"I know. I know... I just don't want to disappoint you or Hotch. I don't want to be a failure..."
"Reid!" Reid was shocked by Gideon's use of his last name. "You are not, nor ever will be, a failure. Slipping and mistakes are not failures, they're just lessons to make you stronger as a person."
"I know that, but it doesn't seem like it. It seems every time I try to stop, it just gets thrown away, like all that work was for nothing." Gideon sighed. "I'm going back to bed."
"You need to eat first." Reid stood up and left without another word to Gideon.
Gideon shook his head at Reid's stubbornness. As he took care of the dishes, he wondered, really, if he was going to be able to help Reid out of his pit of pity. -
Reid didn't go to sleep. There were too many things on his mind, like how his mom was doing. Bad, he thought. He wondered what Gideon and Hotch must think of him, and that they were probably going to give up on him. He sat on the edge of his bed and wished he could get something sharp... just to ease the pain in his heart. He spent the rest of the night crying silently so Gideon wouldn't hear him. Later, it must've been three hours, until Gideon went to Reid's room. At that point, the tears were gone, and he just sat on his bed staring at a picture of his mom.
"She'll be okay, Spencer. You know that." Reid rubbed his red eyes and nodded.
"I know. I just wish I could've helped her more."
"There wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it." Gideon waited a moment. "You know it'll all work out."
"I know. I just wonder, how long will it take?" Reid asked, finally looking up.
"I don't know the answer to that question, but time will answer." Gideon left the room, leaving Reid to his thoughts. He wasn't able to answer his own question in the time between when Gideon left and when he finally fell asleep, but the thought remained in his semi-peaceful sleep that only time would answer his questions.
'Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life, now and again we try to just stay alive, maybe we'll turn it around 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late' -Three Days Grace (Never Too Late)
A/N: well, shorter than I wanted, but at least I got something up before I started working on my entry for Dealer's Choice Round Three. Ugh, pairing will be hard, at least for me. hehe. Please review.