Sweet Misery

A/N: Yay! Chapter 3 is finally here! If you haven't read my updated ch. 2 please do. This chapter will make more sense if you do! Thanks for putting up with me for so long and I'm trying to work hard to please you (and myself) as well as update sooner. So without further ado I would like to present Silvy-chan's rendition of One of These Days chapter three… Sweet Misery… enjoy.

As usual, I own nothing and everyone (along with their respective storylines) belong to their creator. Yay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P.O.V. Hisoka~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to be angry, I really do. I should be pissed… but I'm not, and I don't know why. Anger, frustration, violence, all easier to cope with than this. I'm used to those feelings, I can snub them no problem, but this? I'm not even sure what THIS is!

I don't handle most emotions well, so anything to divert my attention was a welcome distraction. I have found the rain to be a soothing outlet, the rhythmic tapping of water on the glass window, it helps me concentrate.

I have never had such a difficult time trying to think straight. Thunder, lightning, the loud pounding noise clears my head of others' emotions, except this one… is this one really mine? And what is it?

The rain was still pouring outside when I took my usual seat by the window. Staring outside, I felt empty inside. Not emotionless, not the kind of empty I wish I felt in large crowds, no. It feels sharp, bitter, cold.

My thoughts drew back to my hand, trying to forget my fight with Tsuzuki. Outstretched and open, pale. Makes me look innocent… and vulnerable. I drew my hands into fists. Not much better, a little kid having a tantrum.

I looked back out at the gray covered landscape. "Why would he say something like that?" No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about what Tsuzuki said. "Just like Muraki? Am I really no better than-" Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my cheeks. My sight grew blurry as I futilely tried to wipe the tears away. I don't know why… I'm not the type to cry. If I let things get to me, I wouldn't have survived as long as I did. Not that it matters now, in fact, maybe it would have been better if I did die earlier… I have a limit, I do, I almost reached it multiple times in my life…

When I was younger, mom and dad would talk in hushed tones so I wouldn't hear them… It didn't work…

"He's at it again today."

"Hush honey, he might hear you."

"What are we going to do with him?"

"What I've been suggesting all along… we put him out of our misery-"

"People will get suspicious."

"So we poison him and he'll die of a "sudden illness"."

"But and autopsy will show-"

"And we'll be so devastated from the death of our "son"."

"I just don't want to risk anyone finding our guilt."

"What if we found someone to kill him!"

"Who could we trust to kill him and keep it a secret?"

"I'll have to take the time to look into it."

They spoke like this many times, and as I got older they didn't even try to hide it anymore…

"What if we poisoned his drink and made it look like suicide?"

"And make us look like bad parents?"

"Work with me here! I don't know how much more I can take…"

On more than one occasion I wanted to ease their pain and end it myself…

"C'mon Hisoka… how hard is it to drink a little bottle of liquid? It doesn't even have a taste…"

But I was always too afraid. So I spent my time preparing for my parents to finally end it. What I wasn't prepared for was what actually happened, and that's what scared me the most of all.

"Honey, I found him!"

"Found who dear?"

"The person we've been looking for, his name is … and he's perfect!"

"And you're sure this … is trustworthy?"

"Positive, we've started planning. The sooner the better, what do you think?"

"Tomorrow night, the moon will be full."

"Since when are you superstitious?"

"I'm not, I just think it will be a lovely night."

"Of course honey, I'll inform … immediately."

My memory of the man and the night in question are fuzzy, gone almost entirely, but I do remember fear. It was almost unbearable, and entirely my own…

I've lived a life filled with hate. I've never known love, and I wouldn't have known it if I felt it. I still wouldn't. Not much has changed since then…

The rain had subsided and the sun glinted through the clouds inside my room. It's rays caught on something silver on the edge of the table, drawing my eyes and reaffirming my thoughts…

"I'm going to do what I never had the nerve to all those years ago."

And I picked up the knife…

A/N: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Cliffhanger ending! Don't you just hate those? Especially when the next chapter doesn't resolve it/has nothing to do with this part of the story… Was that a spoiler? Maybe! We're halfway there so stay with me. The hard part is over. (For me anyway). Now I plan on updating soon! Maybe even over MEA break (I have 2 days off of school so I can get to writing… by the way, it's this weekend… {October 21-24} HA! Brackets inside parenthesis, I love it! ) I can't wait to hear your comments!