I had a sudden jolt of creativity and energy and so here I am with another chapter to lay at your feet. I must say I'm overwhelmed at how many story alerts and whatnot that I've gotten since the last chapter, thank you all so much! And of course, thank you to those who take the time out to review. It means a lot. This chapter was getting a little lengthy so I decided to chop it up into two sections. Also, to the person who stated in their review that they thought Santana should end up with Julia and if she did end up with Brittany it should only be if she forgave Britt completely. I get what your saying. You make perfect sense and hopefully through my interpretation of this awesome ship I can make sense of everything else as well.
Again, thanks so much for reading and reviewing and alerting. You humans rock.
Oh and I don't own Glee or any of these characters. I just thought I should throw it out their for legal reasons. Also, that T rating is going to take a turn for the worse pretty soon. Or I guess, actually, for the better.
"Screaming in the dark, I Howl When We're Apart"
In spite of how distant she had been in Glee club the past couple of months Santana had still managed to create an alliance of sorts. A pair of merciful human buffers in the form of Mercedes Jones and Tina Cohen-Chang who kept her, for the most part, from verbally ripping apart every single person in their tiny universe.
As Mr. Shue strolled into the choir room, fashionably late and calling for everyone to settle down, Artie wheeled himself into the middle of the room asking for the floor. With a encouraging nod, Mr. Shue stepped to the side, taking a seat next to Rachel.
"This is for my girlfriend, Brittany. You're the best, baby."
Brittany grinned, all saccharine and sunshine.
The band started up and Artie launched, vocals at full force, into a pitifully sweet rendition of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful."
"James Blunt? Are you fucking kidding me?" Santana's hissed, her voice cracking. She focused on Brittany for a moment and saw the elation in the other girls face as she swayed back and forth, her eyes never leaving Artie's. Warm and proud. Trying to keep her quiet, Mercedes squeezed onto Santana's left hand as if to say, it'll be over soon.
Her gripped tightened around Mercedes hand and her breath hitched in her throat.
Glancing over, Tina watched as hurt and exhaustion and the inability to stifle down sadness played across Santana's face. In an act of, what she thought was compassion for Santana and hopefully understanding from Artie, Tina stood and shuffled over to the drum kit, where she proceeded to grab the snare and throw it against the cymbal. A loud clanging, banging sound split through Artie's mellow voice.
Mr. Shue stood, "Tina what in the world are you doing?"
Tina growled from somewhere deep within and through clenched teeth she snarled, "I hate James Blunt! You know that, Artie!"
"I'm sorry, I forgot!" Artie's eyes were wide behind his glasses. He rolled himself backward slightly, away from Tina's domineering figure.
"Tina, if we don't like an artist, we wait until the very end and give constructive criticism. We don't interrupt a fellow team member mid-song and we definitley don't damage school property." Mr. Shue said picking up the drum, examining a rip through the skin.
Gathering her bearings, a slightly winded Santana came to Tina's defense, "Oh please Mr. Shue. Berry get's heckled mid-song like every other day. I know because I'm usually the one doing it. It's only when one of the guys are shut down that you feel the need to enforce rules as if they've been here for decades."
Rachel's head perked up, "That's completely true, Mr. Shue in fact I still have not been able to get through the seminal classic My Heart Will Go On without-"
"Shut up, Berry." Santana cut in.
"They have a point, Mr. Shue." agreed Mercedes as she cautiously released Santana's hand. "You pick favorites and most of your favorites are boys."
"That is not true, you guys. I love you all equally and I appreciate your talents equally."
"I believe you." Finn spoke up giving Mr. Shue an affectionate smile.
Mr. Shue waved a hand toward the tall football player, "See?"
"Of course Finn believes you, he's one of your favorites." Rachel intoned as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "I'm surprised that this injustice hasn't been brought up sooner."
Will's eyes scanned across the room, "I never meant to make any of you feel that way and if I did, I am truly, truly apologetic."
Mr. Shue kept the momentum going after that and for it Santana was grateful. She glanced quick smiles to Tina and Mercedes for their unconventional acts of kindness. For a diversion from the song that could've broken her. But, seriously, James Blunt? It was like Artie wasn't even trying. From the look on Brittany's face it seemed as if he didn't actually have to.
As an apology for his oversights, yet again, for the girls in the group Mr. Shue proposed that next week assignments be songs of whatever the girls-and just the girls-chose. An entire Glee session devoted entirely to them.
"I wanna see some stripping!" Puck hooted out as the guys clapped.
"Mr. Shue? If I could please say something?" Without waiting for an answer, Rachel stood grabbing her purse. "Hello, class. It seems that we've arrived at the time of year again. Tomorrow, on the exact day, sixteen years ago I was born into my dad's life forever changing their destinies-"
"And they're still looking for the return to sender button."
Ignoring Santana, Rachel pressed on, "I've decided to throw a soiree of sorts and I've invited all of you." She began to pass around pink envelopes, "In lieu of presents please donate a sizable monetary gift to our local branch of Save the Music or the fabulous people at the ASPCA-"
"Excuse me?"
Julia's voice waifed in from where she stood in the doorway. She tossed a grin over to Santana before her eyes found their way back to the teacher in the classroom.
"Oh good, yet another person to interrupt me." Rachel glared over at Julia as she reclaimed her seat next to Brittany.
"Can I help you, Julia?" Mr. Shue smiled warmly as he beckoned Julia inside of the classroom.
She stepped inside dubiously eyeing the misfit bunch of kids, "I"m trying to conjugate the verb, "to beat" and it's proving to be quiet difficult."
"You're hot." Puck stared her down, eyes roaming over Julia's body.
Brittany grinned and leaned back, high-fiving Puck, "Totally hot."
"Brittany, Puck enough." Mr. Shue warned not looking up from Julia's spiral notebook of conjugations.
Julia swiveled around to Brittany, her eyes ghosting over to where Santana sat with her eyes still trained on Julia. "You're Brittany?"
"Sometimes." Brittany bit on her fingernail.
"When are you not, Brittany?"
"Well sometimes Artie likes me to wear blue extensions and pretend to be-"
"Brittany! I-I-I told you some things are...private." Artie's voice came out in a shriek his eyes worriedly scanning Tina who was thankfully too immersed in Mike's abs to notice the slip of Brittany's tongue.
"These verbs are conjugated perfectly." Declared Mr. Shue as he handed back the notebook. "You did great."
"I know." Julia shrugged her shoulders, more interested in the way Artie's eyes kept flickering between Brittany and Tina and Brittany's eyes kept shifting between Artie and Santana and Santana's eyes who steely glared back down at Julia's own.
"What?" asked Mr. Shue, "I thought you needed my help?"
Finally peeling herself away from the silent, hazy love triangle Julia turned her attention toward her Spanish teacher. "I'm like a friggin Spanish super genius, Mr. Shue. And what I don't know my friend the El Chupacabra up there in the red dress does for me."
All eyes turned to Santana who had been silent up until that moment. For the first time that day Brittany allowed herself to look at Santana. They hadn't spoken since that Tuesday in Mr. Kidney's closet. Brittany tried, but every time Santana had shut her down.
And yesterday, Santana had searched her out in the courtyard and Brittany had to remind herself to breathe. But, she only wanted to return her diary. Enthusiastically Brittany had leafed through the pages, but was met only with her writing.
That's when Brittany realized they were still not on speaking terms and she was still without her best friend. It was best not to look at Santana because when she did she was met, for the most part, with glares. But, not now. Now, Santana was too concentrated on the new girl in the room. As if they new each other. Which didn't make sense because Brittany knew everyone Santana knew. A sudden jolt ripped through Brittany's stomach. What if Santana was off meeting new people to replace her? Her eyes came to rest back on Julia. She was hot. She could definitely be a suitable replacement.
"I guess this is as good as time as any to tell you that paper she turned in yesterday was done, for the most part, by me." Santana grinned wickedly down at Julia.
Not one to miss a beat, Julia held up her hand in mock disbelief, "Slander."
"Liar." Santana shot back.
"Future Anger Management Patient."
"Domestic violence victim."
"Cry baby."
"Rug muncher."
"Fraidy Cat."
Santana scoffed, "Of course you would bring it back around to puss-"
"GIRLS!"
Shuester held up his hand to silence them terrified of how far the verbal blows would escalate if he allowed it to continue. "If you would like to sit in with us Julia that would be fine, but we're going to have to get back to work."
"Nah, I'm gonna go."
Santana gathered up her book bag and purse as she rose, "I'm gonna bounce too. This place was getting way too Kumbaya-e for me. Mercedes? Cohen?"
Mercedes and Tina stood, following Santana to the door.
"I guess we will see you guys Monday morning then." Mr. Shue said to their retreating backs.
"Don't forget about my party tomorrow!" Rachel called after them as they rounded the corner out of the room.
Outside of the school, Mercedes and Tina linked arms as they trekked to Santana's Jetta giggling as they recounted Tina's dramatic display. Julia held out her hand in front of Santana.
"Let me see your keys?"
"Why?"
"I'm driving."
Santana rolled her eyes, "You are not driving my car. My car is an extension of me. If you wreck it I will die."
"But, you don't know where we're going."
"Where are we going?" Tina asked.
They had made it to the car, but no one made a move to step inside.
"I don't know." Santana looked to Julia, who grinned again.
"Give me the keys."
Julia held out her hand, wiggling her fingers. Reluctantly Santana held them out.
Mercedes and Tina high-fived letting out hollers into the afternoon sun. They had no idea of their destination. But, there was something infinite about the possibilities. The heat mingling in with that sweet Friday afternoon smell, made the energy electric and they did little too contain themselves as the piled inside the car. Julia in the driver seat and Santana her co-captain.
They blared the stereo and rolled down their windows making sure that humans and Gods and animals knew that this afternoon belonged to them and them alone.
And in their uncontrolled excitement, no one noticed Brittany watching from the school steps, her fingers wringing each other's and her eyes sad, but unwavering from a smiling Santana.
As it would turn out, Julia was a fantastic driver. She had a lead foot, but she was constantly aware of her surroundings. Something Santana couldn't claim as a truth for herself. When Julia veered onto I-75, the girls began to make round robbins to their parents.
"Lisa, I'm staying with Santana tonight to work on another version of Trouty Mouth..."
"Ay ma, Wheezy and I are gonna crash out in from of her tube and eat frosting out of the can..."
"Hey mom, is it cool if I stay over some friends house?... But, wasn't it you who said that I needed to start meeting new people...? Thanks!"
"Mom, is it okay if I stay with Tina tonight?...No, that Lopez girl isn't going to be there..."
Santana swiveled around in her seat as Mercedes snapped her cellphone shut, "The fuck?"
"My mom doesn't care really for you."
"Why?"
"Uh, because the first time she met you, you asked her how it felt to have a daughter on such an iconic show as The Jefferson's and then you tried to get my little brother drunk."
Tina shot and incredulous look at Santana, "You what?"
"Look he was fourteen and he was jonesing for a wine cooler. I drank wine coolers when I was fourteen and I turned out just fine."
Laughing, Julia flipped her visor down to look at Tina through the small mirror, "You call your mother by her first name?"
"She insists on it."
"Where are we going?" Santana asked applying lip gloss to already overly pouty lips.
"Dayton. There supposedly going to be some massive rave there tonight. But, I mean this is Ohio, so we'll see about that." Julia replied flipping the visor up and bringing her aviators from her head to rest on the bridge of her nose.
"But, Dayton is two hours away."
"Good thing we're all staying at each others house, right?"
Julia grinned again. She did that a lot. And for it, Santana was thankful. She'd been finding that since she had lost Brittany, she needed to be reassured about pretty much everything. Julia's grin, impulsive and white, was consoling. A little, on the shit eating side, but none the less comforting.
She sat back as Julia cranked up the stereo. Her Ipod shuffling over to Bright Eyes, "Lover I don't Have to Love."
"I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you..."
Santana let her head fall back against the seat. The afternoon sun casting a glow against her golden skin, filling her up like magical rays of comfort. She caught Mercedes reflection in the passenger side mirror and her stomach sank.
She quickly whipped out her phone and after finding the other girls name she typed out:
You know I'm jking right? About the Jefferson thing?
She sent the message and watched as it delivered to Mercedes and she read it. She looked up to find Santana staring intently at her through the mirror.
Her reply came seconds later, That is some kind of an apology.
Santana read the message and frowned, before she could type back Mercedes shot her another text reading simply, I know, Stick Figure. Chill.
Santana looked up and grinned, Mercedes returned the smile and they both pocketed their cells.
"...Your hands on me, pressing hard against your jeans, your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out..."
Once again, Santana let her head bob backward, her eyes closing as she began to hum along with the music. From the back seat Mercedes and Tina began belting out the song.
"...You didn't care to know..."
Soon after Julia sang along.
"...Who else may have been you before..."
In that moment, Santana let her mind rest. It had been in overdrive trying to figure out exactly how things had gotten so bad. It was a murky cesspool of memories that she wanted to forget, but wouldn't allow herself. Couldn't allow herself. They were mostly of Brittany. Of late nights with Puck. Of lying to her parents and more recently to herself. It was a gross collage of a girl on the verge. The verge of what? She wasn't sure of.
But, for a second, she was met with a perfect silence on the inside.
And as the chorus began to thunder through the car Santana found herself shouting at the top of the lungs with the others,
"I wanna lover I don't have to love, I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet him but, I'm not sure. I got the money if you got the time. You said it feels good. I said I'll give it a try. Then my mind went dark..."
She screamed out the song along with her friends, a tremble of excitement threatening to rip through her entire body. She'd been feeling something lately. Intermixed with the sadness and the confusion and the insistent urge to change time something else was stirring. It was a constant inch at the pit of her belly. It was a fever dream that she could not sweat off. It was hot and dark and painful.
It was Brittany. The ghost of Brittany. Moreso Brittany's voice, purring in her ear. Vibrating on her flesh. It was Brittany's ghostly fingers. Sliding along her smooth expanse of skin. Entering inside of her, filling her up until she couldn't take it any longer and she melted into little tiny pieces of sweaty Santana.
She was being brutalized by some phantom menace. Taunted by the reminders of soft blond hair and hopeful smiles. It overwhelmed her to a point that she would find herself doubled over, clutching the sides of her toilet retching up her lungs.
Or she would find herself screaming in her car all alone. Taking refuge in the way her voice bounced around the small confines only to slam back into her. A constant beating.
She felt it now and she let it out. Her cries mingling in with her friends as they howled, they're voices carrying out of the windows getting lost along the interstate. She was singing and she was screaming and her friends were oblivious and smiling.
However ignorant they were of the animal inside of her that was ripping her to shreds, she was appreciative of their ever growing presence in her life. They were with her and they were steady. They were with her and they weren't running. They didn't even looked poised to sprint off in the distance as soon as she turned her head. As soon as she barked at them. As soon as she bit and drew blood.
They were with her and they were unafraid. So, she continued to sing.
"...love's an excuse to get hurt...and to hurt..."
The sun had vanished completely from the sky when they finally made it into Dayton. A couple of wrong GPS directions and miscalculated turns had put them almost forty-five minutes behind schedule.
Julia reached into her pocket and brandished a crumpled clipping advertising the super secret members only rave. Santana laughed at the possibility of anything in Ohio being members only besides the churches. They drove through a residential neighborhood and into an urban arena of apartment buildings and small businesses. Julia slowed to a crawl as they made their way down a mostly darkened street, stopping in front of a seemingly abandoned building.
"This is it?" Tina asked her eyes looking over the darkened building apprehensively.
"482 Eager Drive. Yep."
Scrunching up her face and peeling her eyes away from the imposing building Santana turned to Julia, "Uh, yeah. Eager to be raped. I'm not going in there."
"I'm gonna have to agree with Santana on this one. We would be in so much trouble. I mean, we're not supposed to be here in the first place. If we get hurt and actually survive imagine what our parents would do to us." asserted Mercedes. The energy from earlier in the afternoon had finally relented making way for late night second guessing.
Tina reached for her handle and opened the door, stepping out.
"What are you doing?" Mercedes questioned reaching out to pull her back in but just missing the hem of her black skirt.
"I came here to party. Mike's been super into his dancing lately and although I love that he barely has his shirt on anymore he pays me like zero attention. It's like dating Artie all over again, but with functional legs...And muscles. So I'm going in there and if there isn't a rave already I'm going to start one." Tina reached into her bag and pulled out a handful of multi-colored glow sticks, "I brought glowsticks. And I'm gonna use them."
Slamming her door, Tina made her way across the street. Shrugging her shoulders, Julia grinned at Santana as she shut off the car, "You heard the lady."
Before Santana could protest Julia was out the door and jogging over to catch up with Tina who had made it up the building's steps.
"I guess we don't have a choice, Mercedes."
"I wish Rachel were here."
"Why?"
"She carries a rape whistle. At all times."
"That's just wishful thinking." Santana said as she opened her door and stepped out.
Grabbing tightly to Mercedes hand they made their way over to the building following the other girls inside.
There was little light inside except for the shadowy glow the streetlight cast. Santana waited a moment as her eyes adjusted to her new surroundings.
"Psst!" Tina voice hissed through the air from the other side of the room. She was standing with Julia next to a door marked basement. "Listen."
She cracked open the door and the hard, steady pounding of a bass beat filled the air. She shut the door quickly, grinning excitedly.
Santana smiled. The excitement from the day coming back into her body at full force melding in with that constant desire to break something, "Holy sweet hell, did we really just find a rave in Dayton, Ohio?"
Julia beamed proudly back at her, "I think we did."
They took a second to savor the moment. A collective energy spreading across the room. Santana even let herself think, for just a moment, how Brittany would've looked if she had been there with them. All wide eyed and elated.
Tina backed against the door swinging it open, the bass once again filling the room, "Ladies...?" she beckoned as she stepped back and let them all pile inside, the door swinging shut behind them as they tramped down the creaky, slippery steps.
TBC.