Sorry about the delay. School, and on top of that, my internet connection is extremely fuzzy. As a result, this came out rushed, but hopefully you'll like it. I also decided to leave the first chapter alone…for now, anyway.

And now, in an ironic moment to practice for my French class: "Maintenant, sur le chapitre deux!"

[edited: 10/19/09, 4/5/10]

Namikaze Fumiko, the current family head of the Namikaze clan other than the infamous Namikaze Naruto himself, was enjoying a nice 'stress relief session' with her fiancé Takeshi. He was so gentle with her! She cooed into his ear as she felt him hit one of her pleasure spots with his tongue. Oh, it felt so goooood…

"Ooh, yes, right there, ooooh…"

He paused in his ministrations to passionately kiss her, which she returned eagerly, then resumed teasing her nipple with his tongue. "Yeah, that feels so good…"

Unfortunately for them, they never noticed the impatient knocking on the door. Takeshi grinned mentally as he heard her moan in pleasure. He was about to continue downward to her nether regions when the door suddenly was knocked off its hinges. Both of them jumped up, and startled would be an understatement for them. They were pretty much completely embarrassed that they'd been caught having sex, and in her office no less!

Together, they both turned to face the intruder, only to meet eye to eye with Namikaze Naruto himself.

He had a rather peculiar expression on his face as he made eye contact with them. "Er…whoops?"

After seeing her ancestor in the flesh, Fumiko blushed a dark shade of crimson. Then she growled angrily and clenched her fists. "NARUTO-BAKA!"

She bitch slapped him so hard, he literally flew out the window. Takeshi winced, but decided not to voice his concern, instead mumbling, "Em, Fumiko-chan, perhaps we should get dressed."

As Fumiko realized what she'd done, she blushed even darker than she did before. "…that would be a good idea."

Both of them scrambled for their clothes, and hastily donned them. As soon as he was finished, Takeshi kissed her one last time before jumping out the window.

Naruto appeared as soon as she was finished dressing herself. "Heh, never took you for a pervert, Fumiko-chan," he stated with a sly grin.

She whirled around, startled once again before realizing who it was. "Naruto-jii! Why'd you have to go and do that!" she whined, stomping her feet and scowling heavily.

The man in question merely shrugged. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you two were going at it."

Fumiko huffed and crossed her arms under her breasts. "You could have knocked, you know…"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I did knock. For about twenty seven minutes."

"Oh." Fumiko scratched the back of her head in embarrassment. She narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at him. "But that didn't mean you had to go and bust down my door, dammit!"

"Hey, just be glad I don't have Makoto with me right now," Naruto retorted. This immediately pacified the woman, who shivered at the thought. "Anyway, I'm here for that meeting. Why the hell did you tell me to wait a whole month in the first place?"

Fumiko's eyebrow twitched. "Who gave you the mission scroll?"

Her ancestor shrugged. "Some black-haired kid with glasses."

She scowled. "So that's why you came only now. That son of a…" Shaking her head, she sighed and slouched down into her chair. "Whatever. The point is, we need you. All of you. Not to mention Makoto-san as well, Naruto-jii. Not only will it help with the defense of the village, but with you here, morale will rise for sure, which is something we desperately need with our ninja nowadays."

Naruto chuckled, causing Fumiko to glare sharply at him. "It's not funny, Naruto-jii! This is a serious situation! I doubt that all of you can take them out!"

"Oh? And why's that?" he asked curiously.

"There are reports coming in that one of the enemy villages created a jutsu especially for use against you. They haven't determined what it is, but it's got the Grand Alliance all excited. None of our agents can even get close to uncovering it."

Here, she paused to pour herself some water and took a sip.

"Every single one of them so far has been rooted out and killed, so we had to halt that investigation. But we still receive intel that it's some pretty serious firepower for use against the Immortal Hokage." She leaned forward a bit. "I'm not saying that you're weak, far from it, but just watch out for it when the time comes."

She received light laughter in reply. "Nah, it's most likely nothing, Fumiko-chan, but I'll keep an eye out, 'kay?" He waved a hand dismissively. "If I die, then I'll die. I've lived far more than my fair share of time anyway."

Fumiko remained silent, but her eyes glared at him. "…fine. Do what you like. That's what you always do."

Naruto frowned. "Hey, don't be like that. I understand that you're afraid that I'll die, but death comes to everybody at some point." He tilted his head. "Well, for almost anybody," he added nonchalantly. He reached over the desk and placed his hands on her shoulders and smiled. Somehow, his descendants had retained most of his family traits, even after all those years, much to his amusement.

"I've been around for a long time, Fumiko," he stated seriously. "I've seen things no person should ever see. Nobody can understand me, least of all you. So I'm not afraid to die. Hell, I don't know if I can die at all. But if I do kick the bucket, then you have to be strong. Be strong for this village. Be strong for yourself. Whenever I see any of my family die, one of you guys, it hurts me too. But I remain strong because they looked up to me as their grandfather…" he trailed off in reminiscence. "That gives me the strength to keep their memories alive, you know?"

There was another tense and awkward silence.

When she started to sniffle, he smiled softly and positioned his body to hug her.

"You know what I see whenever I look at you?" He felt her shake her head as she leaning into his chest. "I see a little blonde four year old girl running towards me, waving a scroll in the air, demanding that I teach her. You're so much like me sometimes. I actually think it's in the genes." His chest shook as she half sobbed-half giggled into it.

"And you're still baka-jii…" she mumbled.

Naruto smirked and shifted his head upwards.

"That I am."

Approximately an hour later, he was ignoring the bows and low murmurs of his return to Konoha, in favor of finding out where the hell Makoto, Yamamoto, and half of his other bodies went. He'd been too emotional in that moment with Fumiko, that his control slipped ever so slightly, and he hadn't paid attention to them through the mind link.

Most of the time, he had full control over each individual body. If certain events occurred, however, such as a slight slip in control, then some of his control in the more…unruly bodies would become semi-isolated from the "collective", so to speak. Unfortunately, the only way to reestablish the mental link was to knock them out and enter a meditative state. Regardless, they were still the same person all right, but each body contained an 'alternate personality' of sorts. For some odd reason, the personalities tended to be nearly identical to the original soul of the body. Anko, for example, acted exactly like her original soul did three thousand years ago; lustful, playful, bloodthirsty, etc.

There was a complex process that went into the technique, though the execution was rather simple, but he used it to its maximum potential with the only complaint early on being that it was his close friends and family whose bodies were used. He figured that it was partially the previous Kyubi's fault before she disappeared, but he didn't blame her; they'd already been dead.

What he hadn't known, though, and still didn't know, was that when he became the new Kyubi no Yoko, he essentially absorbed Tsunade, Kakashi, Anko, and the other three's souls by expanding his soul's own energy as a 'net' and unconsciously using his very body as an anchor for said 'net'. In doing so, he effectively merged them with his own soul, unknowingly using his chakra to keep them from disappearing. It was a little cruel, but to be fair, he still didn't know about it. He would, very soon, he just didn't know it.

The only thing he wouldn't do was stoop to Nagato, or rather, Pain's level. It would be stupid to do so. But the Union, as he'd come to call himself, and the Six Paths were so different and yet so similar it was sort of scary.

Right now, though, going back to his current predicament, the only thing that he could think of was…

He slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Oh shit. Don't tell me…"

One of his still masked bodies, a female with a bird mask, sighed from behind him. "I'm afraid so," Bird said with a slight chuckle.

Naruto hung his head. "Fuck. That's the last thing we need right now." He groaned at the thought of those three. "Fuck," he repeated. "Let's go before they cause any property damage…"

When he finally found the three unmasked ones, they were piss-faced drunk and singing a lewd song on top of the bar's counter. Nearby, Yamamoto tried to hide his face while Makoto sang along, her flushed face giving away her intoxication.

Naruto and Bird could only stare in horrified shock as another beat started up and the trio started to sing again.

I bang on the door but you won't let me in,
'cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin.
Locked all the doors from the front to the back,
And left me a note telling me I should pack.

Anko and Tsunade punctuated the last line by yelling "Get out!" at Kakashi and giggling.

I walk in the bar and the fellas all cheer,
They order me up a whiskey and beer. (This line was, in fact, also punctuated by all the patrons doing a mini-cheer and clinking together their drinks.)
You ask me why I'm writing this poem,
Some call it a tavern but I call it home.

Fuck you, I'm drunk
Fuck you, I'm drunk
Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk!

Fuck you, I'm drunk
Fuck you, I'm drunk
And I'm going to be drunk till the next time I'm drunk!

You've given me an option, you say I must choose,
'tween you and the liquor, then I'll take the booze!
Jumpin' on Western down to the South side,
Where I'll sit down and exercise my Ninja pride!

By now, the whole bar was singing along, horribly off-key.

Fuck you, I'm drunk
Fuck you, I'm drunk
Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk!

Fuck you, I'm drunk
Fuck you, I'm drunk
And I'm going to be drunk till the next time I'm druuunk!

Tsunade drawled out 'drunk' before stepping forward and falling off the counter in an undignified heap.

Bird sweatdropped heavily at the scene while the blonde man facefaulted. "Hey, get off that stage!" he shouted angrily after recovering. He jumped in front of them and dragged them out of the bar, yelling a quick, "Sorry!" to the bartender. Makoto staggered after him, giggling like a fangirl, and still clutching a rather large bottle with another unopened one grasped by her tail.

The patrons booed him for a second before happily returning to their beer, ignorant of the beat-down occurring right outside their safe little haven.

Yamamoto peeked out from between his fingers a minute later, and blinked in confusion. "Huh? Where'd everybody go?"

He heard punching from outside, and walked cautiously to the front door of the bar. He moved it slightly open, just in case, only for Kakashi to slam into his head. After pushing the unconscious man away with some difficulty, he managed out, "Hey, what the–"

Only for both Tsunade and Anko to slam into him as well.

Naruto chuckled sheepishly. "Sorry," he smirked at his pupil, wiping his un-bandaged hand on his cloak. Bird stood beside him, with Makoto slumped over her shoulder. By the way her shoulder was shaking, he could tell she was laughing silently at his predicament

Yamamoto responded with groan of pain; Anko had a rather hard head that hit another head that was rather hard at the moment, but not in a good way.

"I don't think I'll have children anytime soon," he croaked out, grasping his damaged package.

"What, seriously?" Naruto asked dubiously.

A painful nod.

"Shit, I didn't think her head was that hard…" He shrugged. "Well, whatever. When you're feeling better, meet me at the Namikaze Estate." Without so much as a second glance, he picked up the unconscious bodies and vanished, Bird following him a second later.

Crocodile tears poured down Yamamoto's cheeks as he continued to nurse his jewels.

"You're so cruel, Naruto-sama…!"

Yet another hour passed by as he finally recovered enough strength to walk cowboy-style to Naruto's home.

When Anko, who had recovered along with the others sans Makoto, saw him, she ever-so-eloquently inquired, "The fuck happened to you?"

Yamamoto growled at her. Why did she have to be the only one home? "You should know! You're all one person anyway!" He then flipped her off and ambled over to the fridge to retrieve a large amount of ice to numb the pain further.

Anko rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I know. But you don't understand the link we have, dumbass."

"Then please, explain it to me!" he exclaimed in a high voice, as a result of applying a bag of ice to his nuts.

"Damn it, where are my other bodies when you need 'em?" she mumbled before sighing. "Okay, it's like this kid. We may be one person, but each body possesses a unique aspect of the original, Naruto's, personality. Since we are split between bodies, there are circumstances where the mental link we share with each other personality can become semi-isolated, like before. When we're linked, we know what we're doing simultaneously…er, I mean that we know what each of our other selves are doing in real time.

"Our core personality is the same, though each of us has different traits that the others don't. Hence, that's why we prefer to talk to each other out loud, despite the fact that we have the same mind. And because of that, our mental processes are extremely fast; you can liken it to about a hundred, or even a thousand, times faster than a normal human being. But since we're technically not human anyway, that doesn't apply to me, or us actually."

Yamamoto nodded slowly, knowing the meaning of the non-human comment. "Okay, I can see that now. But what happens when you become 'semi-isolated' or whatever?"

Anko shrugged and leaned back. "Exactly that. Under certain circumstances, the link between us and the main body, Naruto, can malfunction, but it's not exactly that, either..."

She paused, trying to come up with a comparison before continuing. "Think of it like an almost severed rope. Most of it is cut off, but it's still held together by a single thread. That's what happens with us, although our link can never be fully severed. Like, that last thread for us would be a steel chain instead of straw or nylon or whatever. That's the fail-safe that this 'technique' has built into it. And the reason why I don't remember what happened to you is because whenever we become semi-isolated, memories from our other selves take a while to kick in."

"Oh... So are you connected now?"

Anko smirked. "Yup. So technically, even though you're talking to me, you're also talking to Naruto, Tsunade, Kakashi and those dorks who like to keep their masks on."

"Ah." Yamamoto fumbled with his ice pack for a second. "That makes much more sense now. Thanks, Anko-san."

They shared an amicable silence for all of a second before Anko was smacked hard on the back of her head.

"Who the hell are you calling a dork?"

"Ow!" Anko clutched at her head and moaned pitifully. "That hurt, you know!"

Behind her mask, Yamamoto could almost picture Bird rolling her eyes. "No shit. Like you just explained to Yamamoto-kun here, I'm you and you're me."

Bird pulled off her mask in a swift move, revealing bright locks of long, pink hair and emerald eyes. "Anyway, it's a pleasure to meet you, Yamamoto-kun. Although, I've sort of met you before. I'm Haruno Sakura!" She smiled brightly. "Or, at least, that's the name I go by. Like Anko-baka said before, I'm actually part of Naruto-kun." Anko stuck her tongue out in reply to her statement.

Yamamoto blinked. "Er… It's nice to meet you to…?" he muttered, keeping one hand on the ice while the other rubbed the nape of his neck. "I'm sorry; this is kind of confusing to me."

Sakura waved a hand dismissively while Anko pouted in the background. "Don't worry about it. You should've seen us when we first were like this. That was confusing." She giggled at the memory.

Anko chortled and added her own two cents. "Yeah. You're a guy all your life, then imagine waking up in seven bodies simultaneously, four of which are girls! That was a shock!"

The black-haired man recoiled slightly. "Wait. You're parts of Naruto-sama… but that means that… you're really men!?" He paled in horror at the thought.

Both of the girls rolled their eyes at him. "Wow, you're being stupid. We're pretty much, but not quite, alternate personalities, which means that we are part of Naruto, not that we're actually Naruto himself," they said in tandem, freaking him out.

"I'm Sakura and she's Anko, but even though we're the same person, we're not each other," she explained, confusing him even more.

"Whoa, wait, what?" He looked from woman to woman, a frown marring his face. "But you just said–"

Sakura sighed. "We are all part of a whole, Yamamoto-kun. That is what we mean by we're the same person. But parts aren't always the same, you see?"

"You shouldn't be so quick to judge, Yamamoto-san," a new voice interrupted from behind them.

They turned to see Kakashi and the lion-masked man walk into the room. The silver-haired man had been the one to speak, and he continued on, saying, "We're like a puzzle. All part of one whole picture, but none of the pieces are the same size or shape. Despite that, we all fit snugly together to make that picture."

Anko yawned lazily and flicked a thumb at Kakashi, who settled down in an adjacent chair. "What he said." Lion merely nodded his head at her, indicating agreement.

"Okay…" Yamamoto slumped down into his chair. "I…think I get it now."

"You'll get used to it." Looking up, he saw that the man of the hour himself had shown up. Naruto smiled crookedly at him. "I still find it weird sometimes, after all these years. Right, guys?" Yamamoto glanced around and saw everybody grinning sheepishly at him, except Lion who still donned his mask, and Kakashi who still donned his half-mask – though he deployed his classic eye-smile, of course.

Those smiles vanished as Naruto cleared his throat. "There's something important we have to tell you, Yamamoto…"

Once again, somebody interrupted the conversation, this time the person being the current Hokage, Fumiko.

"Naruto-jii!" she cried, trying to catch her breath. "They…! It…!"

Naruto grabbed her and guided her to the couch. "What is it? What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

Fumiko shook her head rapidly. "They changed it to tomorrow! They're coming tomorrow! I just got the word!"

All of them stiffened except Yamamoto. "What's going on?" He frowned and furrowed his brow.

"Shit," Tsunade commented, coming in at that time followed by a sober Makoto and the last unmasked woman. "That changes a lot of things."

Fumiko scowled at her. "I know that, dammit!" She downed a glass of water Naruto procured for her and resumed scowling, deep in thought.

Kakashi scratched his throat idly. "Hmm… We need to have every available ninja be battle ready by morning then. Not an easy task."

Anko snorted and crossed her legs. "Ya think?" She smirked and added, "That just means I have more of a challenge setting up my traps, though." She pointed at Sakura. "You're helping me, too, Pinkie."

"Fine, you're my teammate anyway," Sakura retorted. "What I want to know is why they stepped it up to tomorrow." She looked to Fumiko for an answer.

Fumiko shook her head again, this time in disdain. "When they heard that Naruto-jii was coming back to the village, apparently they increased preparations tenfold." She frowned. "I guess they want to take out the Immortal Hokage, or try to; like they did the last war."

"Well, then…" Naruto began, but Yamamoto cut him off.

"Please, tell me, what the hell's going on!" he yelled irritably, not liking being left in the dark.

He shrank back a little when they all stared at him, but he wanted in on whatever was going on.

Naruto sighed and answered his question. "The Grand Alliance is going to invade Konoha tomorrow."

He was shocked. "What, tomorrow!?" If the Grand Alliance was coming here, then some heavy shit was going to go down. "How the hell are they gonna get here!?"

Fumiko answered this time with a dispassionate shrug. "Summons, vehicles, whatever I don't care. The point is that we're going to be invaded tomorrow."

Yamamoto bit back a curse. "But why the hell are you all acting so casual about it?"

Makoro, who'd been silent for the whole conversation, quietly stated, "This isn't the first time Konoha's been invaded."

He stared at her, then at each of them for a split second. Determination grew in his eyes and with steely resolve, he asked, "So what can I do to help?"

That was met with slightly different reactions. Naruto chuckled and ruffled his hair. Sakura giggled at him while Makoto and Fumiko looked at him dubiously. The two masked people remained silent in a corner of the room, merely observing him.

Anko and Tsunade, on the other hand, smirked devilishly at him, and Kakashi flashed him an eye-smile.

"For tomorrow, you're sticking with me, kid," he said heartily, his eye glinting mischievously.

Yamamoto shivered.

Uh…yeah. And that's Chapitre Deux for you. Another stream-of-consciousness attempt at fanfiction. Yay.

If anybody can send some constructive criticism, or help with fight scenes (which I suck at), that would be greatly appreciated.

On another note, I feel like kicking myself for that weird explanation of the so-called 'technique'. Hopefully it makes sense to you. Eh.

The song, if you want to know, is a slightly edited version of "Fuck You, I'm Drunk" by Flogging Molly. I was listening to it when I was writing this and before I knew it, it made its way into the fic somehow.

These are Naruto's "Alternate Selves" so far:

Team One

Rabbit – Tsunade

Dog – Kakashi

Team Two

Bird – Sakura

Tiger – Anko

Team Three

Wolf – ?? female

Lion – ?? male

Tsunade is Rabbit because of her strong-ass kicks, and Kakashi is Dog because…he's Dog. Sakura is Bird for some reason, and Anko is Tiger because she is sort of like a tigress.

You can guess who the last two are, but I'm not revealing them yet, though it's obvious in a way. Or not.