Sitting on her bed, in her bare room, Christy wished she'd thought to bring her things home – at least her pictures, her teddy bear. If ever she needed her teddy bear, it was now... and she would want it for the baby. She'd have to go back and get it. She'd have to see Neil again.
Who was she kidding? She'd have to see him again and again. How would she ever find the strength?
She tried to pray but it felt like she was sending silent wishes to the ceiling. She stood up, opened the doors to the porch, and looked out at the mountains she loved. It was easier to pray there. She didn't get far beyond a mantra of 'help God', but that was progress.
Neil, galloped into sight on Charlie. She knew he wouldn't have seen her yet but she backed up, all ready to go and hide. Was this an answer to her prayer?
She shook herself. She was seeing what she wanted to see. Or did she want to hide? She had no idea what she wanted. Feeling totally helpless, she sat down on her bed and waited, her mantra restarting in her head, "Help, God. Help me."
She heard him knock at the door. No one answered, of course. She was the only one there – something she'd been so glad of when she'd arrived home.
She heard him let himself in and call out her name.
She couldn't find the words or the will to answer.
She heard him climbing the stairs, braced herself.
He knocked at her door. "Christy, please."
She sighed, then fearing he'd have heard her, covered her mouth with her hands, as if her silence might lead him to think she wasn't there. As if he might just leave her alone.
He slowly opened the door.
She brought her hands down from her mouth, folded her arms across her body, looking up at him nervously.
"Would you marry me again?" He knelt down on the floor in front of her. "The minute my divorce goes through, we can go to the court in Ashville and marry again."
She looked at his face, features full of hope and pain. His cheeks and nose were pink, from riding in the cold. She wanted to put her hands on his face and warm him.
"Wouldn't that make it right? We'd be married – legally."
Oh, how she wanted to say yes, believe that after all these weeks, these longest three months of her life, that after all of it, there was a solution, a way for them to be together as they had been before. She was afraid to hope that last night wasn't their last night, that she needn't be alone, ostracised, solely responsible for the child growing in her belly. She was just so afraid.
"Why not? I don't understand." He begged.
She saw the tears in his eyes, heard the desperation in his voice.
"What is it you're afraid of?"
"I'm not strong enough." Her voice was so weak it attested to the truth of her words.
"You don't need to be strong. You're not alone in this."
"I mean I'm not strong enough to hope, to try and make this work because if it doesn't... I can't lose you again. I just don't... I don't have the strength."
He nodded, jaw working to hold back the sobs which might have matched the tears spilling onto his cheeks. "What about when the divorce is through? What about then?"
"I don't know. I can't think." She put her hands on either side of her head, willing her mind to figure this out, to make a decision, to know the answer.
He slumped, shoulders sagged, head down.
She desperately wanted to reach out, run her hands through his hair, slip down onto his lap, into his embrace, to make him look up and smile and kiss her with the promise of a thousand more.
He pulled it together and looked up at her. "You're due in May?"
She nodded.
"You must be, of course."
"There being so few... possibilities."
He nodded, pulled himself up off the floor, went to the door.
With sudden resolve she got up off the bed and reached out to him. "Neil," He turned, and she saw the hope flare in his eyes. Her words caught in her throat. She'd been about to thank him for being so understanding and patient, but in that moment she realised he was doing what she was afraid to do – he had all his hopes riding on her and her fearful and hesitant response must have been tantamount to torture. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head, "None of this is your fault."
As if a veil was lifted from her eyes, she saw him as he was, saw that she could trust him, rely on him to sort this out, that his words were not empty promises to make her feel better, but that he would do anything for her, walk through fire if that was what she needed. She shook her head, "No, it is my fault for not trusting you. I'm sorry I pushed you away, I just panicked and thought it would be easier but..." she shook her head, "You're right. I don't know why I didn't see it before. My head has been so... I don't know. Messy?"
He smiled, ever so slightly. "Are you saying you will marry me again?"
Her smile began, faltered, then took root as she nodded, whispering, "Yes."
He crushed her to him, then let go. "Ooh, I should be more gentle with you."
She clung to him, ignoring his caution, laughed.
They stood like that for a long time, speaking occasionally, voicing their fears, reassurances, making plans. They only let go when they heard someone enter the mission downstairs. Christy reached over and carefully, silently, closed the door to her bedroom.
She looked up at him and saw the love and joy in his eyes, feeling better every minute about trusting this would work out. She was still nervous about being too close to him, not trusting herself to have any kind of restraint.
Sitting on the bed, she sighed.
He walked over, sat beside her. The space between them felt awkward and unnecessary, but to Christy it was a strange kind of reassurance that they could behave and keep their distance.
"I know you're fine, and Alice knows what she's doing, but may I... examine you?"
She was surprised to hear him so nervous in his role as doctor. "Of course." Nodding, she lay back on the bed.
He pressed his fingers gently against her abdomen. "Any sickness?"
"Not really. I feel ill when I'm hungry, but I haven't been sick."
"You said you've been tired?"
"Well I haven't been sleeping very well, so..."
"Are you eating well?"
"Very. I'm hungry all the time."
"Okay." He sat down beside her on the bed.
"Your prognosis, Doctor?"
He smiled, looked at her with shameless adoration. "You're four months pregnant and need to sleep."
"Easier said than done." She rolled onto her side.
"You slept last night."
She sighed. "I think I should stay here – till everything is sorted out."
He nodded, not looking at her. "I understand."
"Do you?"
He turned, looked at her, seeming not to understand her question.
"It hurts to be this close and not touch you." She said.
"So you want me to stay away, until..." He stood up and moved as if to leave.
She sat up. "Why Ashville?"
He turned. "I thought, given that the annulment went through there."
She shook her head, "I never want to go back to that courthouse again. Maybe David would marry us."
He looked sceptical.
"He knows, and he wants to help." She swivelled to sit on the edge of the bed.
"He offered to marry you, didn't he?" Neil's eyes widened, mind racing.
There was no use denying it, but she hesitated. "Yes, but I would never... There's no one for me but you."
He wouldn't look at her.
"This jealousy is ridiculous, Neil. Consider only the events of the past twelve hours and you have to know how I feel about you."
"I was trying not to think of last night because you don't want me near you and it's hard enough without the thought of..." He sighed, shook his head.
She smiled. "That's why I'm suggesting we marry here. We wouldn't have to wait, or travel. What if it takes weeks or months before you hear back. I'll be the size of a house by then."
"Not quite." He sat down beside her.
She turned to him, waiting for a real answer.
"You're right. We should do it here," he cupped her cheek with his hand, "I don't think I can wait days, let alone weeks or months."
"You did before."
"I didn't know what I was missing."
She laughed, then turned serious. "I know what you mean." She saw him look at her mouth when she laughed. Taking the meaning of her words, he lost all power of resistance and kissed her.
She kissed him, but the rest of her froze.
He stopped.
"We can't keep doing this. You have to know I want to as much as you but I want it to be right."
"It shouldn't be wrong." He stood up, exasperated.
"No! It shouldn't be. And I don't know if it is. All I'm certain of, is that it should always be right – you and I, together, is so right. I want to never doubt it. I want to be with you and always know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it is right."
"And for that to happen," his voice was cold, resigned, "I need to disappear for a while. You know perfectly well that I can't be near you and keep my distance at the same time. It's one or the other." He watched her, waiting for her to say he was wrong, but she said nothing. "Distance it is." He left.
As soon as the door closed, she shut her eyes and let her head fall back. She felt the ache in her throat warning her of oncoming tears. She knew how she was hurting him and she wondered how long she could keep it up. What if the divorce took months? What if Neil came back to her, asked again and again? She would give in. Her body would betray her will. There was just no way she had the kind of strength she would need to resist him. She could only hope he would stay away – but it was a strange hope, one unfaithful to her heart.