Posted: 5/20/11.

Dual Identity Chapter 13: Responsibility

Summary: The Story According to Peter

The girl of my dreams and I broke up, and I couldn't even tell who was dumping who. All I knew was that it was all his fault.

Yes, I helped. But it really was because of him.

I was angry, and getting even angrier once I realized I was using third person pronouns, the kind normally reserved for real people.

I would have given ANYTHING to make the whole thing go away. And to think, a few weeks ago I wanted to change into a better person. What the hell was I thinking? It doesn't matter what kind of person you are as long as you're you, right?

...There was another me inside of me. A side I didn't know about... A side I couldn't control... A side that put my body into danger every night and did things that were nothing like me!

I was crazy. This was the definition of crazy, right? People use the word 'crazy' so often that it's become desensitized. It's become a joke, "that's crazy." But it wasn't a joke for me. It was literal. There are institutions for people who do things like this. I was actually certifiable. My brain was fighting against me.

I couldn't let anyone know... ever.

This would destroy Aunt May and Uncle Ben. And Gwen... She said she could accept it, whatever it was, but... I just couldn't admit it.

I hated this.

All I wanted was to be normal again.

I stopped sleeping. I knew it wouldn't make me any healthier, but I didn't dare let myself switch places with him. I didn't need willpower or caffeine at the beginning. The terror alone kept me up all night.

Obviously, I couldn't keep it up forever. After a few nights I became so exhausted I collapsed on my bedroom floor. And after a few precious hours of rest for my body, Spider-Man was sighted in Queens again.

Sleep deprivation wasn't solving the problem, so I stopped. I bought locks for my windows and doors and tried sealing myself in. He found the key every time. Once, he hid the key from ME the next morning. I gave up the containment strategy after that.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't ask anyone for help. The only one who knew was Mary Jane. And unbelievably, she was on his side.

Mary Jane got furious when she heard Gwen and I broke up. She gave me a scolding, which I deserved. I felt bad for the way I blew up at her when I found out she knew Spider-Man. In my defense, I was in the worst possible mood. And now it was time for her to be mad at me.

She wanted me to tell Gwen. Gwen also wanted know what was troubling me. But I just couldn't tell her, even if it meant losing her. It was better if we broke up. I didn't want to get her involved in my problems. I didn't want to be involved.

But Mary Jane didn't see things my way. She felt Gwen deserved to know, because we were in love. I... didn't know how to respond to that. W-We were just dating before, right? I didn't think it deserved a strong word like 'love.' Though... it made me kind of happy to think other people saw us that way... But it didn't matter now.

Mary Jane was also upset about my reaction to him. From her perspective, he was a real, separate person. She said he deserved a chance to live. I guess I understood her logic. Cogito ergo sum, after all. Though, I doubt this was what Descartes had in mind.

Deep down, I probably knew she was right all along, but I just didn't want to admit it. I didn't want him to live my life, or even share my life. I wanted to keep my life completely to myself.

I wanted to be selfish.

I wanted to be normal.

If there was another me inside of me, then what did that make "me"? Even if "Peter Parker" was here, would I always be "me"? This was my true fear. I wasn't just scared of being committed to an institution. I was scared of losing "myself"...

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs... "I am here."

Mary Jane knew all of this. She tried to tell me that he had the same fears.

I didn't want to think about the things that scared me. So I stopped thinking. But I didn't feel any better.

A little later after my talk with Mary Jane, Uncle Ben talked to me. I tried, but I couldn't really hide my depression from my uncle and aunt. Uncle Ben tried asking what was wrong, but I just avoided his questions.

Thankfully, he didn't press for details. But he did try to help. He started by giving me his tired and true catchphrase.

"You know what my motto is, Pete?"

"With great power there must also come great responsibility?" I replied dryly. It was a line I heard a fair number of times.

"Yes, but do you know what 'responsibility' really is?"

For all the times he gave this speech, he never asked that before. It caught my interest.

"Well, it means... you know, not being careless. Not doing bad things... right?"

"That's true, but it also means facing your problems. When something you don't like happens to you, you don't 'wish it' away. You take responsibility for it."

"...I see."

"And responsibility is a choice, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"If you're forced to face your problems, that's not being responsible. That's just being forced. Responsibility isn't something thrust upon you, but something that you take on for yourself. It's something you choose to accept."

"Accept..."

I thought about this for a long time. When I was finished, I wrapped Uncle Ben in a big hug.

He laughed. "Did that help?"

"It helped a lot. I'll be back by dinner." I ran to the front door.

"Where are you going?"

I looked back for just a moment. "To face my problem."

I ran to Mary Jane's house and asked to borrow a video camera. She knew what I was planning, and agreed earnestly.

I took a deep breath. "I didn't really-"

"Put on your glasses," Mary Jane instructed while holding the recorder.

"Why?"

"Because Spidey never wears them. It's a distinction between you and him. He'll like that."

I shrugged, and put on my reading glasses. "I didn't really plan this out..."

"That doesn't matter. Just say whatever."

I sighed, but it really was the best advice to get started.

"Uh... I guess I should apologize first. I've been treating you kind of badly this last week. I was scared... I didn't know how to deal with this... and... No, I'll just get to the point. Spidey, I don't like you. I didn't like you when I first heard about you on the news, and I REALLY didn't like you when I found out you were inside me. And that's probably not going to change. But... I won't fight you anymore.

"It doesn't matter how or why you appeared in my mind, because you're here now. And you're not going to disappear, no matter how much I wish for it. Conversely, you're not going to get your own body no matter how much you wish for it. We're stuck with each other, so we should learn to live with each other.

"I won't like you, but I will accept you. I'll take responsibility for you." I looked past the camera towards Mary Jane. "Is that right?"

She smiled. "That's perfect."

Disclaimer: "It taught me that responsibility isn't something thrust upon you, but something that you take on for yourself." That quote originally came from Silabus, of dot-hack/G.U.