Badass Farmers

Part 4; Hell hath no Fury like a Hermaphrodite Scorned

Cecil was wheeling around his chrome tractor inspecting the fields that afternoon. Ganja. Poppies. Though for some reason that fiver he'd planted still hadn't sprouted. The peasants ducked onto the ground as he passed, shoving their faces into the dirt as they bowed down on quivering terror-struck knees. Cecil liked to think that his arrival had improved the village to no end. When he had arrived it had been dying, populated mostly by old ladies and cats. Now it bustled with drug dealers and whores. Cecil had specially shipped in a crate of children from China to work on his fields, making sure the youth of today were learning the important trades; dealing, pimping and Acting Gangsta. And of course, his prostitutes were top-notch. Sat by his side, giggling and tossing her hair into the wind, Nina had been a fifteen year old virgin when Cecil broke her in, he and Saibara taking turns to bang her against the chicken coop.

Cecil revved the engine and Nina cried, "Cecil, go faster!" He stomped down on the gas, spraying black smoke out of six exhausts and spinning out of control over the prairie. Mangled hash flew everywhere; they were sprayed with a sea of ganja. Nina screamed with delight, grabbing hold of Cecil as the front wheels reared into the air. Cecil thought, it was a good thing he had installed a roll cage.

They smashed through rows of fences, tearing through the Blue Sky ranch and scattering chickens everywhere. A ginger tom leapt out of harm's way, and Nina shrieked, "Run it over Cecil! Kill it! Kill it!"

The tractor swerved after the cat, yowling in terror as they exploded through the barn and the outhouse, until it scuttled up a wall and shimmied up a drain pipe.

"Ceeeeeeeciiiil," Nina complained, pouting. "I wanted you to kill something."

Cecil looked at her expectantly.

"For… meeeee?" she purred.

He stared harder. She sighed and flashed him her boobs. Cecil pulled out his shotgun and fired into the air. A dead red kite landed in Nina's lap. She screamed with laughter and kissed him joyously.

Cecil thought he could hear something over the wind. Something other than gunfire and screaming. It sounded a little bit like Jamie on his DJ box, except he wasn't grinding out his usual tune. Actually, his new song was slightly worrying. This is what Cecil heard;

"Fuckin' cheatin' Cecil—

I'm gonna wrestle—

His fuckin' balls-

With my fuckin' jaws!"

But Cecil decided there was nothing to stress over. Jamie always got like this at a certain time of the month. A bit of wang always sorted him out nicely.

"Hey, babycakes!" he called, as the combine harvester rumbled into sight. Jamie had the disco lights on full glare. His furious face shined blue, green, red. He put all of his anger into his DJ'ing, and he grinded out a masterpiece;

"Fuck you Cecil!

You can't shit me about—

I've found everything out!"

Cecil smiled soothingly. "Found what out, my sugarpie?"

"Damn you bitch—

One of your big boys snitched.

There ain't no laundrette

You've hung me out to dry.

But boy, you're in hot water yet!"

Cecil saw there was nothing for it. He pressed a button and the dashboard in the tractor swivelled, revealing a gleaming mix desk. He cracked his fingers and rolled up his sleeves.

"No girl, I never lied to you,

Like I promised I'd be true.

No, I ain't being funny

You'll get your money

And that's a promise, Cecil style"

Jamie grinded out a storm in reply;

"Then why does Big Stevie Jerrin

Say you're throwing me a red herring?

Don't lie to me

You're no truer than Martha's dodgy knee."

He threw in some tropical tunes at the end. And Cecil admitted;

"So maybe I lied

Why's it matter to you?

You're just a free fuck

But you're driving me cuckoo."

Jamie was furious. Beyond furious. And his eyes blazed as he mixed;

"Is that all I am to you?

You're dreamin' thinking we're not through.

Maybe you think I'm a whore

But let's throw away the gender stereotypes, asswipe

Cuz I'm Jamie, hermaphrodite

And you're you're the whore, you fuckin' sleezeball."

Cecil was momentarily stunned. Passers by broke into applause. Jamie bowed. Sweat broke out on Cecil's forehead, and he grinded faster.

"You ain't got no right no speak

Cuz you're a fucking freak

Even in Australia

They ain't seen nothing as disgusting as your genitalia."

Then, Jamie broke.

"I don't care about the money

I'm not being funny—it didn't mean nothin' to me

I just wanted you to be my baby muffin

-forever

But you're the big bad wolf

Always puffin', puffin'

And baby—you blew down my heart

Oh! What a charade!

You belong in the bin, but I let down my guard and welcomed you in.

But the worst thing about this jizz

Is that I really loved you!"

He burst into tears, and Nina laughed. Cecil began to gloat.

"Your metre is crap, just like you

You couldn't rhyme for a dime

Now fuck off,

And find somewhere else to whine."

Nina shrieked with giggles and gave Cecil a high five, but Jamie recovered. Glowering with malevolence on the desk he turned on the bass beat and began to boom out a five-speaker stereo eardrum-burster.

"You can't shut me up

By shoving a dick in my mouth

You dick.

Cuz your candle's burnin' so low it's on the wick.

You can't surround yourself with yes-men

Thinkin' you'll run this town till the now 'n when.

See, when you're sitting pretty

I'll steal this city.

And bitch, remember this

You had sex with a man."

With that Jamie stood and dropped his pants. The crowd stared. Gaping, Nina pointed.

"Look at that," she said, in awe.

But Cecil was enraged. He revved his engine into submission and barrelled straight towards the combine harvester. Jamie swerved, and reversing back into him, he hooked the tractor with his fork lift. Then, with Cecil swearing and Nina screaming, he towed them across the field and dumped them into the river.

TO BE CONTINUED…