Badass Farmers
Part 5; No Fat Chicks
Lesbian naturists Lyla and Nami always came to Flower Bud Valley for the summer, eager to soak up the peace and tranquillity of the village. The residents were always friendly and they had made some true friends here. But this year, they got the feeling that something was a little different. It started when they saw the welcome sign in graceful calligraphy;
~Welcome To~
MY ASS!
The sign was so filled with holes it looked like swiss cheese. Someone had also added at the bottom; No fat chicks.
Hank sat underneath with a shotgun in his lap. He glared at Lyla and Nami and nodded them through. They hurried past.
In the endangered wildlife reserve, where the girls had spent many happy years frolicking with the animals and picnicking, Bob was busy blowing heads of rabbits. He and Blue carried tommy guns and blood-stained bags full of decapitated birds. Meanwhile, Nina and Terry were bonking in the dirt.
"Nina!" Lyla exclaimed, shocked and appalled at her friend's new appearance. Nina was also smoking seventeen cigarettes and injecting heroin.
She took her cigs out look enough to exhale and say, "I'm busy, bitch."
"But what happened to you?" Lyla said tearfully.
"Fuck off; we're busy," said Terry, taking another pop of Viagra. Nina moaned and wriggled underneath Terry's double hip replacements.
The girls decided they should probably leave them to it.
"Well," Nami said wryly, once they were out of sight, "I guess he must be loaded."
"Poor Nina," Lyla said, clutching a hand to her heart.
"Poor Nina?" said Nami. "Don't you mean rich Nina?"
Gunfire rattled overhead. The trees opened out before them, and they saw buildings mottled with bullet pocks, razor wire and trenches splitting the village in half. It looked like a scene from Palestine, not Flower Bud Valley. A man in a balaclava let out a screaming Indian war cry and launched himself from the top of the post office, wielding a machete. Kurt ran towards him, yodelling and flailing a nunchuck.
"Hmm…" said Lyla. "Feels like something's different here."
They hurried down to the beach, as a handgrenade exploded behind them.
The beach was quiet, and at peace at last the naturists stripped off their clothes and spread out their beach towels. Lyla rolled onto her stomach as Nami rubbed sunblock onto her back.
"Ooooooooooh yeaaaaaahhh." Basil rolled his hips round in a circle. "Hey lezzahs."
Nami looked at him blandly. "You seem to have mistaken us chump. We're the type of lesbians who don't have sex with men."
Basil looked momentarily confused, and then glared at them. "That threatens me," he said.
Lyla tugged at her friend, whispering, "Come on Nami. We can find another spot on the beach…"
"No," Nami said firmly. "This is our spot. One eyed Willy needs to learn that not every woman wants to play with his miniscule dick."
"But… Nami!" said Lyla.
"Remember what we learnt at Brighton Pride. You can't bow down to ignorant homophobia. Lyla, you are a strong, independent woman!"
She kissed her passionately. "Oh Nami!" she said breathlessly. "You're right. You're always right!" She collapsed into her arms.
Meanwhile, Basil had erupted into panting sweaty hives. The girls looked at him, shrugged, and made out.
But just then, a combine harvester exploded over the sand dunes, knocking the lesbians flying like bowling pins. With one hand Jamie controlled the steering wheel, the other he fired a machine gun. He even clasped a cigar between his smirking teeth.
Rat tat tat tat tat! Went the machine gun.
A tank rumbled over the beach café. In camouflage beret, Cecil poked his head out of the top and screamed, "After him! That bitch had gone my mother fucking combine harvester!"
His ten-piece SAS trained team shouted, "Yes sir Cecil sir!"
"I'm legally entitled to half your stuff!" yelled Jamie.
"We're not fucking married, you freak!" said Cecil.
Rat tat tat tat tat!
"Did I mention I've got your Tinie Tempah album too?"
"You piece of $£*"$£!"£%$^*&**)%$££! when I get hold of you I'm going to £"%!"!"£$%£$^%&( and £"%£"%$&%^*() and break it in two before I £$$^%$ and stick it up your !"!£))_+&*^£ so you'll have to £"$^$&%& sideways!"
Ten minutes later, there was silence along the shores. Eventually, Lyla managed to pull Nami out from where she was stuck headfirst into the sand.
"Something really does seem different about this place," said Lyla. "I can't put my finger on it…"
"Maybe they made this a blue flag beach?" Nami pondered.
There was an explosion, and flaming puppies ran past yelping.
"Well," she said, "Divorce is a messy business."
"Shudda signed a pre-nup," said Lyla.
TO BE CONTINUED…