Badass Farmers
Part 7; Cecil's Middle-Class Evening
"I'm afraid we're probably going to have to postpone the battle," Alex whispered to Nina.
"Why? What's wrong with him? Did my mother shove a bottle-opener up his ass again?" she demanded.
"No, no… it's not that this time," Alex said. "But he seems to be under the impression he's a middle class British man."
"I have to see him," said Nina, trying to brush past Alex. He held him back.
"I'm not sure that's wise. The changes may… shock you."
"Let me through," she demanded. Uneasily, Alex let her past.
In the hospital bed, Cecil was sitting up. He was wearing a woollen pullover and reading glasses, his hair parted instead of gelled. In his hands he was reading The Times. When he saw Nina, he lowered his spectacles.
"Good evening Nina!" he said, patting the space beside him. "Have a sit down," then he frowned. "Goodness, you're not wearing much, are you? Don't you think you should put on some more clothes?"
Nina was wearing a candy thong and a pair of nipple tassles.
"But you said this was how you like it," she said, pouting, and jumped into Cecil's lap.
"Ooof!" he spluttered. "But don't you think dressing like that is degrading to women?"
"Huh?" she said. "What's 'degrading'?"
"Don't you grow tired of the over-sexualisation of young women in the media? The way you're reduced only to sex blow up dolls, with no real value in personality?"
Nina stared. "Do you want to bang or not?"
Cecil sighed and tucked his spectacles into his shirt pocket. He said; "Nina, I've always felt almost… paternal to you. I know growing up without a father is difficult, and me and your mother get on so well that I feel like over these last few months I have become a kind of father figure to you. What do you think?"
"I think you should shut it so we can have sex."
Cecil put a finger over Nina's lips. "Nina, you're at a very tender age. Being a teenager means your hormones are all over the place and you may want to experiment with many different things. And you know that me and your mother want you to be happy. But you should never let yourself be pressured into things you're not comfortable with, and friends who pressure are not real friends at all. Your virginity is a precious thing and it is not anybody else's to give away. Wait until you are ready, and you find somebody you love and trust enough to experience it with."
From her ball of sin, debauchery and numbness she had fallen into, fifteen year old Nina was almost touched. But she said, "Dad, I think this talk is kinda overdue."
"And I'm sorry I wasn't there before to support you love. But I'm here now, whenever you want to talk, understand? You've gone through a lot of terrible things, but we can get through them together."
Tears pricked at Nina's eyes, and she sniffed.
"It's just that, after Dad died… I've always felt so alone," she said. "And how could I tell Mum, when she was going through it all too? And I felt like… nobody cared. And I took it out on other people, and on myself. I did terrible things, just so I could forget about my sadness. Just so I could keep moving…"
"You don't have to feel alone anymore Nina," Cecil said. "I'm here for you." And he pulled her close to him, cradling her like a child against his chest.
"Oh Dad!" she said, crying into his pullover.
Peeping in through the curtain, Alex said, "Dude, this shit is messed up."
Across the town, separated by trenches, several acres of barbed wire and tank mines, lay Jamie's camp. His brave men were feasting, getting ready for the momentous battle in the morning, but Jamie had chosen not to join them. The cold night air stinging his skin, he threw his poncho over his shoulders, and retired to his tent and mixing desk.
Once upon a time, he'd tried to become a famous DJ, was laughed off the DJ scene because of his genitalia, and fled to Flower Bud Valley to mope and grow cabbages.
This accounted for his gloomy behaviour, and also, his wicked awesome DJ skills.
He flicked a switch, and the disco lights flashed on. He leant low, tenderly switching up the bass. A flourish, and some acoustics. And then he scratched his little heart out.
"Oh if I was a rich man
Na-na-na-na-na
Except I'm a hermaphrodite
Na-na-na-na-na
Then I'd have all the money in the world!"
But then, he cut the bass.
"But hey, baby, don't you know that a rich man
A rich man that might be poor
If money is all that he has
Baby, without love, there's nothing you can do - oh, oh, oh
Without love, you're not really you - oh, oh, oh."
Quietly he sung;
"I, I'm gonna miss watching you while you sleep
cause that was the only time I ever found some peace
I use to believe it was me who was insane, but now I
take it back cause compared to you I'm OK
and I, I forgive you."
Another side of Jamie, one he rarely showed since he was laughed off the stage back in the city, compelled him to sing Kate Bush songs alone in the dark.
"Mmh, yes, then I'd taken the kiss of seedcake
Back from his mouth, going deep South, go down, mmh, yes
Took six big wheels and rolled our bodies
Off of Howth Head and into the flesh, mmh, yes
He said, "I was a flower of the mountain, yes
But now I've powers o'er a woman's body, yes
(even though I'm a hermaphrodite, yes.)"
Jamie leant down and cried on his mixing desk. Just then, Duke poked his head through the tent. "Hey boss…" he said hesitantly. Jamie quickly cranked up the volume and screamed into the mic.
"Fuck you!
Ooo, ooo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck him too!
I said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a
Fuck you!
Ooo, ooo, ooo"
"Uh, boss?" said Duke.
"I just want to FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU!"
"That sounds great boss but I have some news—"
"JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU—"
"—About Cecil—"
"-TO FUCK YOU FUCK—what?"
"Cecil!" he bellowed. Annoyed, he said, "we've received news from the enemy camp. Something's happen to Cecil. He's gone round the bend and thinks he's British."
Jamie pulled the power cord on the mixing desk. "I wasn't singing Kate Bush," he said conspiratorily.
"Of course not sir," Duke said airily.
"I love Jay-Z and Tinie Temper," Jamie said firmly.
"Of course sir," said Duke.
"Music about life in the ghetto, stabbin' and killin'. Proper music." They nodded at one another, then Jamie set off to go visit Cecil.
"Cecil!" Jamie said, bursting into the room. "I heard you went looney tunes."
Cecil was sat on the bed reading aloud his favourite passages from War and Peace, to Nina, sat crosslegged on the floor and listening, enraptured.
"Evening Jamie," said Cecil. "Care to join us? We're playing Cluedo afterwards."
Jamie shoved past Nina. "Out of the way, ho," pushing her to the side. He squared up to Cecil, shoving his face right in his. Cecil smiled pleasantly. "Who are you?" Jamie demanded. "And what have you done with Cecil? You do realise the biggest battle this shithole's ever seen is about to go down tomorrow?"
"Oh, we don't need to worry about that anymore," said Cecil. "I'm anti-violence. I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt on my behalf."
"Anti-violence?" Jamie spat. "You turned this village into a ghetto and divided it in half."
"Yeah," said Cecil. "That might have been a teency mistake."
"A teency mistake?" Jamie bellowed. "Mate, you can't start shit and not finish it. My boys are baying for your blood and they're going to have it."
"Now Jamie," Cecil said, and he took his hands. "Just because our relationship is over doesn't mean we can't be civil about it. Remember, this isn't about us anymore. It's about the children."
"We don't have children," Jamie said, through gritted teeth.
Nina climbed onto Cecil's lap. "Daddy, why does step-mommy always say that?"
Cecil stroked Nina's hair tenderly. "Your step-mother is just going through some issues honey. You know she loves you."
"I don't love that little ho!" Jamie said, jumping up and down, his sombrero bouncing off his head.
Nina started bawling. Cecil put his hand on his hip and said, "Jamie! This is your daughter you're talking about."
"I don't have a daughter!" said Jamie.
Nina cried even harder.
"Jamie, just because you're upset, don't take it out on Nina," Cecil said. "This is between you and me."
"Damn straight it is," Jamie sneered. "And I still have your Tinie Tempah album, bitch."
"That's fine," said Cecil.
"Yeah that's what I thought—eh?"
"You keep it. And I hope you'll find some degree of happiness from it."
"You don't want it?" said Jamie.
"No," said Cecil.
"Then I don't want it," and Jamie threw it at his head. It clattered to the ground. "Now give me half your stuff."
"Of course," Cecil said, he got up and made his way to the door.
"But Cecil!" Alex said. "You're still not properly recovered from your Britishness!"
"Doctor, I thank you for you concern, but I'll be alright."
"It's alright," said Jamie. "He's not actually a doctor. He just likes to play doctors and nurses with Gina."
Alex wriggled his eyebrows. "Damn straight," he said.
They crossed over into Cecil's weed shack, and he handed Jamie a roll of stickers. "Red stickers for all the things you want, blue for mine," he explained.
Jamie preceded to stick red stickers over everything in the house, including all the spoons in the draw, the holey socks, and Cecil pet rotwhiler, Fluffy.
"Your dog's mine, bitch," Jamie said, trying to get Cecil's back up.
But Cecil just said, "OK."
Jamie said, "Aren't you mad?"
"Of course not," said Cecil.
Jamie's hands clenched into fists. "Why aren't you mad?" he exclaimed.
"Jamie, something's telling me that you're not actually interesting in my spoons. You just want to get revenge on me, don't you?"
Finally, Jamie snapped. "Of course I want revenge! You took everything away from me Cecil; everything! You tricked me and made me a laughing stock in front of the whole village. And worst of all, you fucking broke my heart!"
Cecil said; "I'm sorry. I know I did wrong. But two headstrong people like us… I'm not sure we were good together."
"We were perfect together! I never found anyone more badass than you. But then… you went and ruined it."
"But I'm not badass anymore Jamie," he said.
"And why not?" Jamie exclaimed. "Why've you gone all middle-class and… British?"
"Because I was never badass. I just used that persona to protect myself from the bullies. The only reason I chainsawed that police man to death was because I was afraid… of being rejected."
"Oh blah blah blah," said Jamie. "I don't want to hear your sob story Cecil. Go tell your psedo-shit to a shrink. Everyone has pain. Everyone suffers. We just don't all go on about it."
"Maybe you should," said Cecil.
"Eh?"
"Maybe you should. I think you're feeling a lot of pain Jamie, you just don't tell anybody. You need to talk."
"Yeah but the thing is, people talk a lot, they just don't listen," he said bitterly.
"Try me," said Cecil.
"But it won't change anything," Jamie said, shaking his head. "Words don't make any difference."
Cecil put his hand over Jamie's. "Talk," he said.
Abruptly, full of passion, his face red, Jamie said, "But I can't! The only way I've managed to survive is by being hard-hearted. By not talking. Talking about my problems is too painful. You don't understand what it's like; being the way I am. Either people are scared of me, or disgusted, or they think it's funny! They laugh at my pain. They think they can make a humorous parody story about it? How sick is that?"
"Totally disgusting," agreed Cecil. But he said, "Not everybody feels that way about you. When I first saw you... I thought you were the most beautiful hermaphrodite I'd ever seen."
"Really?" squeaked Jamie. He couldn't help it; there were tears in his eyes.
"I mean, I've seen what, two, three hermaphrodites in my life, but you would much cuter than them by far. If they did hermaphrodite modelling, you'd be a cert."
Jamie burst into tears, and blubbered into Cecil's turtle-neck sweater.
"And not just that; you were so strong. Whatever life threw at you, you never gave up. You never leant on anybody. But Jamie," he tilted his head up to stare into his eyes, "you don't have to be alone anymore. You can rely on me."
Jamie threw his arms around Cecil's neck and embraced him, crushed him against his chest and never wanted to let go. "Oh Cecil!" he cried, saying the words in wild abandon. "Cecil! Cecil! Cecil!"
The roof broke with a shattering smash. The whirl of helicopters, and five men in black jumpsuits slid down ropes into the shack. They strode straight to Cecil, grabbed him and handcuffed his hands behind his back.
"W-what are you doing?" he spluttered.
One man pressed a walkie talkie to his face; "We have Offender 212, repeat, we have apprehended Offender 212."
Another said, "We're arresting you for crimes against humanity."
In his turtle-neck jumper and tweed jacket, Cecil was so shocked he dropped his smoking pipe. "What crimes?" he said.
An officer let a roll of paper cascade down onto the floor. He began to read; "21 counts of arson, 5 counts of murder, 3721 counts of possession of illegal drugs, 1 count of trying to solicit sex from a farm yard animal and-"
"Okay, okay, enough. I remember!" said Cecil. Jamie was glaring at him. "Look, I was high. I thought it had asked me back to its pen for coffee."
"A probation officer from your borstal came round two weeks ago to check how your work placement was going and returned with some disturbing facts—and several bullet wounds. Her report says, 'When I had finally located Cecil Harvey, offender 212, he cried, "GIT OFF MA LAND!" and pulled out an AK,"" the man said.
"Yeah," said Cecil, "about that..."
He grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away. "Honey, you're going away for a long time."
"But wait, I've changed!" cried Cecil, as the men stuffed him into a helicopter. "I'm not gangsta anymore. I've chaaaaaaaaaaaaanged!"
The men slammed the helicopter door, and Cecil banged futilelessly against the window as it soared into the sky.
And Jamie ran after them, the grass rippling and waving, his sombrero ripped off his head, crying, "CECIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL, I LOVE YOU!"
TO BE CONTINUED...