DISCLAIMER: If I owned Harry Potter, a lot more of what exists in fan-fiction would be canon. Unfortunately, I don't own it.

Chapter Two: In Which The Marauders Spy On Various Students of the Female Persuasion

"What about her?" Sirius whispered, rather loudly.

"Nah, she's a nutter. Won't eat certain vegetables, because she thinks they have 'feelings'." James replied, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, but still...she's bloody fit! Doesn't that trump craziness? Avoiding veggies when you're out on a date seems like a more than fair sacrifice."

Remus closed his eyes and let out an exasperated huff at his friends' antics, as they debated the merits of crazy vs attractiveness.

It was the day after James had made his announcement. The four boys were crouched at the top of the main staircase, peering through the bannisters at the crowd—or more specifically, girls—that milled in the Entrance Hall below before dinner. The four made quite an interesting spectacle, with many passers-by giving them odd looks. James and Sirius were lying flat on their stomachs, with Peter kneeling awkwardly behind them, all intently gazing below. James, fervently supported by Sirius, had lobbied for all-black outfits, preferably with balaclavas, for "surveillance purposes". Remus had quickly squashed that train of thought by declaring that "We're not bloody ninjas James! And isn't the whole alleged point of this—though I still fail to see the point of this entire thing—to remain inconspicuous?" Grudgingly, James and Sirius had agreed that yes, perhaps four people in black running around the castle with stockings over their heads would stand out a bit.

Unfortunately, Remus had been unable to similarly convince the others to completely forgo the 'Grand Plan' in its entirety, and so now found himself sitting against the wall, as far from his 'friends' as possible and fervently hoping that no one would notice him.

He let out a sigh, head falling back and thudding against the stone. This was getting, quite frankly, ridiculous. He'd been sitting up here, slowly freezing on the draughty staircase for the better part of an hour, rather than being in the Great Hall eating a hot meal with all the other sane people. "Can we go now?" he asked.

"Shhh," hushed James, without turning around. "Oh, what about her?"

"Taken," answered Peter, with a shudder. "I walked in on them a few days ago in an empty classroom."

James airily brushed aside this particular fact. "Anything could have happened in a few days."

"Yeah, but he wouldn't want to be some bird's rebound," Sirius said, with a sage nod, apparently drawing from his wealth of expertise on the subject.

Remus physically restrained himself from saying that actually, he didn't necessarily want any girl, regardless of whether she was on the rebound or not, and settled for glancing at his watch and banging his head against the wall again for good measure. He had an inkling he'd be ignored anyway.

"You never seem to see that as a problem."

"Yeah, but this is Moony we're talking about. For him, it'd be demeaning. For me, it's like every girl's my rebound!"

"True."

Remus's brow wrinkled as he tried to understand Sirius' logic, before giving up.

"I am here, you know," he said from his corner, eyes fixed on the ceiling. He wished he'd brought a book, or something. If he couldn't eat, the least he could do was get started on his Transfiguration homework. Instead, he went over the ingredients for a Calming Draught in his head. He suspected he'd need one, once this entire debacle was over.

The boys' observations went on for another quarter of an hour, until their own hunger got the best of them. Remus was quite surprised they'd managed to last this long without food. Scrambling to his feet, he trotted down the stairs behind the others.

Once their plates were piled high with mashed potatoes, roast chicken and gravy, and Remus could once against feel the tips of his toes, the conversation, to his horror, turned back to the plan.

"Well," sighed Sirius, setting down his goblet. "I could always introduce you to one of the girls I've—"

"Hell no!" Remus interrupted, gesturing with a chicken leg for emphasis. "I am not going anywhere you've been, thank you very much! I have my pride."

"Well," said James, who'd looked like he was seriously considering Sirius' offer. "There goes that idea."

"Look, you've got to stop being so close-minded. We're only trying to give you a hand here!"

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius. "I know that, and I appreciate your concern, but you just don't seem to get that I've got enough on my plate without having to worry about a girlfriend as well, like—" his eyes opened wide, and he frantically looked at his watch. "Like a Runes project! Damn, I'm supposed to be meeting Evelyn in fifteen minutes!" he cried, oblivious to the way the other boys' eyebrows had shot up. He turned back to his meal and began shovelling food down.

"Of course, I'm such an idiot!" said James. "Evelyn!"

Remus completely agreed with James' assertion that he was an idiot, but he wasn't too sure how Evelyn tied into things. "Wha' abou' 'er?" he asked, around a mouthful of potato.

"Well, she's a girl and, even better, she's your friend. And obviously you have common interests; no one does bloody Runes if they don't like it!"

Remus finally caught up with where James was going, and burst out laughing. "Oh no! We're just friends, trust me. And I think her boyfriend would have something to say if you even tried - Gavin Roberts, the seventh-year from Ravenclaw? Beater?"

Sirius huffed. "A cheating bloody scumbag, then. Not much of a threat, is he?"

"Hear, hear!" toasted James, sharing Sirius' opinion of the previous year's Quidditch Grand Final, a game Ravenclaw had only won, according to James and Sirius, through brazen cheating and a complete lack of sportsmanship.

"Looked great in red and gold though," Peter said, smirking at the memory of the prank pulled on the entire Ravenclaw team at the game's presentation ceremony.

Remus rolled his eyes as he swung his book bag over his shoulder. "I really do think it's time you moved on from that - they're a good team. And as far as Evelyn and Roberts are considered, they've been dating since last year. I think it's pretty serious, actually.

James slumped in his chair. "Damn it, Moony! You're not exactly making this easy for us!"

"I sincerely apologise for ever giving you the impression I was trying to make things easy for you." Remus leapt to his feet, downing the rest of his pumpkin juice. "I've got to go, I'm incredibly late. I'll see you guys later in the common room, yeah?"

Peter gave a small wave, as James and Sirius nodded and turned back to each other, all plans for Remus' love life forgotten in favour of further denigration of Ravenclaw's game tactics. Sparing another glance at his watch, Remus ran from the Hall.