Chapter 3 – New Friends

That feeling I had had yesterday, the alive feeling that had rushed through my bones and tried to claim me, it didn't last long. At this stage I didn't think anything much ever did. I woke up to Charlie's anxious voice and a very sore throat, again. It seemed like one day of putting a plaster on my wound was nothing, didn't even count. It hadn't been worth it; all of my efforts. They had been in vain. Nothing was going to fix my heart, not properly, not ever.

"Bella, I love you, kiddo, but you need some help." Those had been Charlie's only words to me this morning.

Tears pricked my eyes as I waited for a lecture that never came. He was worried, poor Dad. He didn't know what to do with me anymore. Why did I always have to get emotional at a time like this? I can go without feeling for months, yet when my father suggested help, everything that I had bottled up left me, and hot wet tears rolled down my cheeks. I struggled to regain my composure. Charlie was really worried now. I just stood there looking at my feet, my favourite pose for defence and let the tears flow. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I didn't know what it was, or why it had come with this wave of emotion. All I knew was I could not stop crying.

Charlie kept me home from school. It was a Friday anyway, so I knew everyone would be as behind as me by Monday. Fridays were the one day in school that everyone was almost guaranteed to have a day filled with daydreams about the upcoming weekend. I cried harder thinking the Blacks and Harry were on their way down that evening. I would have to put back on my mask. Cover up my scars for one night.

I stood under the stream of boiling water in the shower. Trying to will away all of my ill feelings. I felt lost. I couldn't understand why yesterday hadn't worked. It was the first thing I tried, I knew but all of my deductions in my head made sense. Social interaction should have helped me, as much as I didn't like it. It hadn't though. It didn't seem like anything ever would. As I got dressed after that, I focused on how wrong I had been yesterday, to think that all of that would keep me numb when I was alone, was like wishing for the sun in Forks. Of course, it would last for a few hours, my elated presence but when it all came crashing down, it came down hard.

The afternoon flew past. I busied myself cleaning and scrubbing while Charlie went to work. He was very sympathetic towards me before he left. I could understand he was probably confused as to why I was crying in the first place. It wasn't the first time he had suggested help for me. I loved Charlie but all of his worrying about me really was not necessary. I could deal with this alone.

I didn't need to cook dinner today, so I settled for preparing the kitchen table for five people to eat. Five people was a lot in this house, as it rarely ever saw even the two that live here eat at the same table. Charlie and I weren't very social, or open with one another. I felt like crying in front of him today had opened up some channel of communication, and I wanted to shut the door on it as fast as I could. Charlie could not want to talk more about this; he had been pushing the boundaries these last few days.

I could be numb again when the guests arrived. The Blacks, Billy and Jacob, were from La Push. They were wonderful people, who I just didn't want to spend my night with. As much as I knew I could cushion myself in their meaningless conversation, I didn't want that. I wanted to be a separate from the whole lot of them. My choice, not theirs. Harry Clearwater was from down on the reservation too. He was a good friend to my Dad, and always came along wherever Billy was involved. I liked all of them. But I knew that that wasn't going to be enough. I would struggle to keep up tonight. At least Charlie had insinuated that I would be left alone for the evening. Which was great. I looked forward to that alone time. I always enjoyed time alone. Thinking about him. Thinking about him didn't make it easier, or harder. Just bearable. I convinced myself that he was real. He had to be real. He had taken everything with him. I missed his cool touch, his marble skin, his eyes. Those eyes that had always drawn me in. I moaned now, whimpering in pain while I pictured his eyes. Every time I had looked in his eyes I had seen a pure soul, even though he said he didn't possess one. I had seen it, I had wanted to keep it with me forever. I thought he had wanted that too. All good things must come to an end, as they say.

I did not want to let go to mine though.

The guys arrived just after Charlie, so I was bombarded with people all at once. A good point to this was Charlie didn't get to discuss our earlier meeting. Billy rolled in, with Harry and Jacob behind him. He smiled at Charlie and greeted him just like the oldest of friends would. Harry said nothing just raised a six-pack of beer at gave a cheeky wave to him. Jacob rolled his eyes in his head when he thought nobody was looking.

I had to say, Jacob had grown since I had last seen him. He must have been…gosh he must have been well over six feet tall now. And he had lost a lot of his boyish features, he was gently outlined with muscle all over. Jacob was growing up. He caught me watching him and grinned. His smile. His smile was wonderful, it was captivating and it warmed the empty space inside of me. His grin turned into a chuckle and he looked away from me.

Billy had a tortured expression in his eyes as he watched me. He looked at Charlie and wheeled past towards the back door. Harry followed.

"Come on, buddy, let's get this grill started up."

Charlie sauntered outside after him. Billy always cooked their barbecues. I stayed inside not knowing what to do. It had been so long since I had last had this type of dilemma. Jacob was obviously going to hang out with me tonight. I wasn't happy about that. Charlie had planned it. I knew he had. Well, Jacob wouldn't fix me. I barely even knew Jacob. Although, we had been friends as children, I remembered with awe. How had he gotten so big?

I knew I would get on well with Jacob under normal circumstances, but these were not those. I sauntered away and up to my bedroom. I needed something to take my mind off of things. I opened a book and started to read. Wuthering Heights was my favourite. My all-time favourite book. I read over the bit about Cathy not marrying Heathcliff because of his lack of status. I wondered if that was how he felt about me. That I hadn't been enough for him. I began shaking uncontrollably at that thought.

"Are you alright? Food is ready, Bella, your Dad said to come up." Jacob had just put his head around my bedroom door. I nodded and followed him downstairs. I did not feel like eating. It did me no good as far as I could see. It was not going to fill the void in my chest. I knew that much from experience. I could feel my eyes begin to prickle. What was with me today and crying? I had to stop this. I swallowed back the tears fighting their way out. I knew that Jacob only came here to talk to me, because we hadn't talked in forever, but I just did not feel like it. He didn't push me mind you. Jacob kept his distance the entire night. But then things took a turn for the worse.

The sounds of drink-induced laughter and song drifted up the stairs. I tried to concentrate on my book. I would have work in the morning but I didn't want to sleep with those three downstairs in the way they were. I heard steps on the stairs. Jacob. What did they want this time? I put down my book and waited for him to open the door. He tentatively walked in.

"Save me" He begged me with his eyes. His eyes had something in them, some kind of hope, warmth or some other warm feeling I knew I hadn't seen a lot of this last while. It felt good to look into them. I laughed. Not a real laugh but my usual simper.

"They are the worst I have ever seen when they get together. I haven't seen them this carefree in a long while. So how are you, Bella? I mean…um, how's school?" Jacob awkwardly avoided the question he obviously knew the answer to already. His eyes looked pained now, as if I hurt him just by looking at him. I realised that I wanted the warmth back in them so I answered him.

"It's okay. I suppose I can't believe it will be over next year, you know? I have a lot to think about! What about you?" I hadn't steered a conversation in so long, I was surprised I knew how to ask him a question. He looked shocked too, then his face broke into another heart-warming smile.

We bantered back and forth like this for a few hours. Charlie staggered up the stairs then.

"Bella, I told you, you needed company for this, hic. You – you- you- had to start somewhere, hic. I'm proud of you, Jacob, son – hic. They guys cant drive home Bella, would you?" I started to protest but Charlie raised a hand. "They-they can stay here. Could you sort out some beds? Please?" He added a bit nicer this time. I sighed and started towards the closet where we kept the sheets and bedding. Jacob followed and I realised he wanted to help me.

"Give me those, I'll carry them downstairs for you, if you want me to?" I blushed and Jacob snickered at me, grabbing the blankets from me and running down the stairs.

When I got down to the living room, I saw the mess that would be waiting for me in the morning. Harry was strewn across the armchair, leg resting on the armrest. His mouth was agape and he was snoring slightly. It was quite funny. Billy had been settled on the couch. Charlie had known I would turn down offering to drive them home at this late hour. Jacob was watching me for my reaction to the two sleeping drunks in my living room. I smiled shyly at him and threw the blankets over the two men.

I rushed out of the room and something overcame me.

I laughed. I was laughing. It amazed me that I still could. I was shaking uncontrollably for the second time that even only this time it was not with ill feelings. Tears ran down my face but not those caused by my broken heart. Jacob watched me with a puzzled expression set across his face, which made me laugh even harder. I was being childish but I hadn't laughed in so long that this was a foreign thing for me. Suddenly Jacob broke out in a laugh too, a hard, husky laugh. It boomed through the room and made me even more giggly. The two of us just stood there laughing in the kitchen looking at each other.

A bond formed then. I knew Jacob was special. He was going to be my friend. He was going to make me laugh. He would warm me.