Chapter 7 – Shield Me
So, here I was again. Back to this black world where the darkness never seemed to fade. I was stuck underground and nobody could hear me scream. There was no warm hand waiting patiently to pull me out of the shadows. No bright shaft of light shining down to take my attention from the black to the pure good. I was lost, everyone could see my pain but nobody could help me to fix it. This was a never-ending labyrinth of pain that just seemed destined to take its toll on my small frame.
I had stopped eating. I had stopped talking. My only sounds were just echoes of who I had been before. It had been three weeks. Spring break had passed in turmoil of screams and sleepless nights. Not even Billy could look at me anymore. School passed by in a haze of books and tests. I knew I would eventually have to talk to Angela again. After everything she had put up with from me at the start of the year, I owed her this. But I couldn't face it. I couldn't face the sympathy in her eyes once again, or the probing questions that ran deeper than she'd ever know.
I had thought this pain could only be given by ...him. He had been supernatural. He had been my world and when he left everything I loved was questioned. This was worse. These had been real people. Real humans, with no dangers associated. They didn't want me either. Not one of them.
"Miss Swan, please go to see the principal." I was shocked. Nothing over this whole year had elicited even a visit to the guidance counsellor but now I had to go see the principal. I stumbled from the room to the tisks coming from my teacher. I thought English had been my best subject; how could he send me out. I longed to be alone somewhere, to sink into the locker covered walls. I arrived at the office and sat down.
Charlie was in there. What was this?
"Bella, we are sending you to a counsellor…" Everything went blank. I didn't need a counsellor, what was he thinking? This man didn't even know me: how could he possibly know whether or not I needed a doctor. They tried to tell me it would help. That all of my feelings had been normal and would ease over time. I gasped for breath. I couldn't keep up with all of this.
I was so angry with Charlie when we got home that afternoon. I was scheduled for a visit from a doctor at home the next day.
Charlie raised his hands in the air in defeat. "Bella, you're my daughter. Don't get me wrong but you're scaring the shit out of me. And I am so happy to see some sort of emotion in your eyes even if it is anger at me." He made me even angrier. I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. I promised him I would do more around the house, cleaning and cooking and I would do better in school, I would pay more attention. He didn't want that though. He said he wanted the old Bella back. I was curious as to what he meant.
"I would rather if it was back when Edmund left you…" I crumpled in on myself. The hole in my chest burned me; I had to hold myself together so I wouldn't fall apart. I made a decision there and then. I didn't want to hurt Charlie anymore. I would see the stupid counsellor.
The meeting had gone well. I had made a lunch for the doctor and we sat at the kitchen table; discussing my 'feelings'. It hadn't been too hard to nod and smile at the right moments. He had talked about branching out and making new friends. He had talked about trust issues and that I shouldn't let these people back into my life, because they had caused me too much pain. He was right. I shouldn't have been pining over losing the most important things in my life. I had life.
But I also had a lot to worry about. Victoria could come back for me whenever she wanted. She was always going to be a threat to me and I had no way of stopping her if she did want me dead. At this stage it was as if the only person who would notice was Charlie. I had to fix things with Jacob and the guys. It was only hope to be happy again, they had made me feel so alive. I needed them in my life. Even if only for one day. It was obvious they didn't want me anymore, but if they just spoke to me about it. If they had just explained what I had been doing wrong. I could be better for them.
I was resolved. The counsellor said I didn't need him. I didn't explain my decision to go and see Jake and the guys.
My cell phone was ringing from my bedroom. I ran up and answered it; wondering who could be ringing me. The caller ID was blocked.
"Bella, it's so good to hear your voice. I didn't mean to be… but I saw you make your mind up about something… And then… You disappeared… I was so worried I had to call. I'm sorry. Whatever you're doing, don't give up so easily Bella." Alice Cullen. Her chirpy voice was laced with insecurity. I was so relieved to hear her voice. Now I knew that they had been real. I wasn't delusional. It surprised me that the hole in my chest didn't protest in agony against me hearing her voice. "Bella…?"
"Alice, Alice, is that you? I can't believe you called me. I'm fine. I haven't done anything. Why are you watching me? He said it would be like you never knew me. Please Alice, is he okay?"
"The main thing is that you're okay. Maybe your life has separated from us. I can't understand why I can't see you anymore. I can't see anything. I'm blind."
Alice was always so melodramatic. I had so much to ask her but she didn't seem to want to talk. After I had assured her I was okay she ended our conversation, apologizing profusely for looking for me in her mind. I had to admit I was never so happy to hear someone's voice. Even if she did not want to talk to me. She had avoided my question about him…
I ran downstairs, caught up in my moment and said goodbye to Charlie. I leaped into my truck and pushed down the familiar road towards La Push Reservation. I didn't know what I would say or where I would go. Billy had warned me off going to see Jake at home, so I went to First Beach. This was the only other place that the guys would be, that I knew of.
As I sat on a piece of driftwood at the empty beach I began to feel strange. I felt as if someone was watching me. I looked all around but there was nobody in sight. A shudder ran down my spine, now I had another problem to deal with. Now I was paranoid. It started to drizzle again. Typical, just when I was getting comfortable here on the beach, basking in my memories.
"Go home, Bella." I turned around so quickly that I fell backwards off the log I was perched on. I felt large hands pulling me up off of the wet sand. I was shocked when I looked up into the eyes of the strange man. He was not strange at all.
"Qu-Quil? What happened to you?" I wondered aloud. It certainly looked like Quil. But I couldn't be too sure. He was even bigger than the last time I had seen him. His hair had been cut off, leaving his chiselled features on show. He face was the ultimate change. His eyes were no longer playful like the old Quil, his eyes were hard and strained. He had an angry expression on his face, distorting his face even more than the muscles he had accumulated.
"Go home." He repeated in a hard voice. I had never heard Quil speaking like this. It hurt to hear his voice this way. It was the thing I had dreamed of; his voice, any of their voices. But now it seemed like a nightmare. How could he sound so cruel?
Suddenly, I heard shouts and cries coming from the line of trees on the far side of the beach. I saw a group of large guys, just like Quil, walking towards us.
"Please, Bella, go now… You'll be hurt even more…" Quil's features softened, his old face came through, his real face. He looked like the sixteen year old he was now. But did he mean he would hurt me? Did they know what it had been like for me? I had so much to ask of him. I didn't have the time though because I could see the group getting ever closer. As they picked my tiny frame out behind Quil's I saw them each stop in their tracks. I couldn't make out who they were, but the largest figure ran up to us.
As Sam Uley got closer, I began to get afraid. These were the guys who hung out in the woods all the time. Quil shouldn't be hanging out with them.
"Hello. My name is Sam. I don't know if you know me…. You better leave before anyone sees you here." I was adamant that I would not leave just so that they could do whatever they wanted here on the beach. It was a public place after all. I shook my head. Quil raised his eyes to heaven and looked apologetically at Sam. He almost looked afraid of Sam. I wasn't afraid of him.
"Sam, thank you for that time in the woods. I know I owe you, but I'm here to relax on the beach. I don't have to go just because your friend…" I glanced at Quil. "…doesn't want to see me." I stuck my chin up in the air indignantly and shut my eyes. I hoped I gave off the air of confidence that I was aiming for. Sam looked pitiful of me. I didn't need his pity, I wanted to drag Quil away and demand answers from him. I decided I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of knowing I had been upset; if he didn't know already. I felt myself turn crimson at the thoughts.
There was more shouting from the direction the group of large teens were and I watched with my eyes squinted. I was shocked. I drew in a deep breath. Quil saw.
"What the hell is going on here, Quil? Have you three ditched me…for…for this gang? Was I not fun enough? Is that why you left me on that cliff… where… I… I… fell…" I stammered as I realised I had been about to talk about Laurent. Even thinking about how close I had come to being sucked dry that day, it got my blood pounding in my ears. Quil looked torn between talking to me and following Sam back towards the group. I knew he could see through me. He could see the grey bags under my eyes and the purple hollows in my cheeks. He knew I was afraid. He knew why I had come down here. There was pity in his eyes now. Did I really demand that much pity from everyone?
I was pathetic. I was so confused. They ditched me to hang out with a gang. A gang that did God knows what every day. I had seen Jake and Embry standing behind two other large teens. They looked wretched. Their faces had changed like Quil's. These boys all looked the same. Like brothers. They even all wore the same clothes: cut up jeans and nothing else.
I stomped back up to my truck in the parking lot. I hopped in and sobbed down onto the steering wheel. I heard more shouts from the beach. It had seemed like the guys were fighting. Maybe they were playing like they used to do when I was around. I knew now that I had made a mistake in coming down here in my spontaneity. I had never been a spontaneous person. I was always reserved and quiet but it seemed this tough time I was going through brought out new traits in me.
I drove slowly home. My head was spinning so I couldn't concentrate properly on the road. I ended up parked on the sidewalk in front of my house. I was frozen to the seat. My head was still reeling so I just sat there and waited for the thoughts going through me to slow down. Charlie came out and I wasn't even sure what he said to me. I just sat there. I ignored him. He gave up after a while and went inside. I sighed and decided I had better follow him.
As I came in the door I heard Charlie mumbling on the phone.
"…don't know what I'll do with her Bill. How can she be so cut up about this? I wish there was something I could do. …I know, I know. Not his fault. But maybe if he just explained why to her? What do you mean he can't? It can't be as complicated as me watching her slowly die… I know I'm dramatic but Billy that's what it feels like. She won't eat, and I know she's not sleeping because I'm waiting up every night for to start screaming. …Billy, Billy… I don't want to fight with you over this, it's their problem."
I backed out of the doorway again. I really had done it now. Charlie was afraid for my life. Little did he know…
I needed something. I needed some sort of a cover up. I needed to hide behind something… And I think I knew exactly what I needed. I needed to change. I needed something new in my life. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I scrubbed myself clean of the day's worries. I had devised a plan. If I changed my appearance, maybe my mind would follow.
As I used to scissors to shear through my long hair, I had no regrets. I chopped my hair up to my shoulders, in a straight bob just underneath my chin. It wasn't so bad but I didn't care how I looked anymore. With my new style, and weeks left to finish school for the summer, I thought I could open up some new doors. Maybe I would find something to do so that my mind wouldn't be riddled with thoughts of my own pain.
As I watched my long wisps of hair fall to the floor I felt new. I felt different. I felt lighter.
"What the hell have you done?" Charlie was mad. I couldn't understand why. It wasn't his hair. And it did look okay. I kind of suited me. The new angles in my face from not eating pointed out and matched with my sharp new hairdo.
"I'm starting again, Charlie."
But I knew I couldn't always shield myself behind my hair. I had tried to shield myself before, with new friends and old friends. But these things didn't always work out.
Charlie left me alone for the night then. I promised him I was not being unreasonable. That I had wanted this for a while. I explained that I needed some change in my life. I heard him muttering to himself as he left the room. He was disgruntled and worried about me but I didn't care. He would get over it.
I lay on my bed. Waiting for sleep to come.
There was a light tapping in the background. I wondered what Charlie was doing downstairs. At this hour he should have been going to bed himself. He had a long day of work ahead of him. I got up to go and check what he was doing, when there was an even louder bang.
That was too close.
I spun around.
I was not happy to see the face that was staring back at me through my window.
I wish I had a shield now.