A/N - This chapter has some mature themes, not too strong but there all the same.
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Chapter 10 – Laid Bare
The last few weeks of school before I was free had dragged on. I was becoming more and more responsive to my emotions as the time passed. But there was more than just time healing my wounds; I had a saviour. I had a friendship that acted a balm; it soothed and had nearly erased all but a few cracks that were left in the hole in my chest. I felt warmer than I ever had. The people I loved the most all noticed which I was very grateful for. I was spending time, not only with my saviour, but with Angela and Ben and Jessica and Lauren too. It wasn't until now that I had truly realised that I was happy again. I had everything that I thought I could never get back.
My three favourite men and I had spent lots of time together. This was good for my general reputation with Charlie too. I had learnt so much about the wolves – all of their gifts and talents. Their worries were my worries now. They accepted me harmoniously into their world and I was ecstatic at the chance to be a part of their lives again. I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time. Quil and Embry also appreciated my alone-time with Jake lately too. Even though I wondered what they had spoken about to encourage this – they had never allowed us more than the walk up the beach together alone.
My relationship with Jake was overwhelming, to say the least. I loved him like a brother but lately, that love was becoming stronger, and less innocent on my part. I found myself subconsciously leaning into the slight pecks to my cheeks while saying goodbye, snuggling into his side as he tried to keep me warm and feeling slightly aroused whenever I saw him in his cut-off sweatpants and little else.
"You ready, Bells? Paul is waiting over at Emily's for you. You know, I'm not sure I like this very much. He's not as controlled as the rest of us." Jake was angry but I brushed away his concerns. Today was the day we had been waiting for. Victoria had breached the invisible line outside of Forks and had come into what the wolves called 'Our Territory'. I had laughed at this notion, telling them all that their animal instincts were taking over. Today, I was to stay with Paul at Emily's house. Emily was out of town, visiting family in her hometown. I had never really gotten the chance to get to know Paul. I knew today wasn't a day for chat, yet I knew we would have a long time.
Charlie thought I was at Angela's house. She had agreed to cover for me, under the impression that I was going camping in the forest with the boys. I had offered her a place in my tent, but I knew she would decline, which she did. Angela had turned into my best girlfriend. We seemed to understand one another; neither of us liked to delve too deep into our feelings in a conversation, so neither of us was ever pushed.
"Coming…" I quickly pulled the rucksack I had packed from my closet and ran downstairs. Of course I fell on the way, but Jake caught me. When I looked into his eyes, all the thoughts I had been having before he came over, rushed back to confront me. I knew I wanted Jake bad.
He had a smug grin on his face as he walked me to my truck, keeping a hand placed firmly on my hip.
"You smell good today. It's very …stimulating." He looked amused as he said this. I thought it was a strange choice of words, considering I wasn't wearing any perfume at all. Electricity was rolling through my body, finishing its course in slight tingles down my spine, at his touch. I blushed intensely.
I tried to focus on the problems at hand here today. This was very serious. If Victoria got through the guys' defences; I was dead. Literally. I had never been so grateful to have Jake as my best friend than at this time. Even Quil and Embry were putting themselves on the line for me today. They reassured me that they loved doing this, seeing as it was they who left me alone on a cliff with a vampire in the first place. Paul was designated to stay with us as he could prove dangerous while staking out the enemy. He was too volatile. But Sam didn't seem to mind him staying with me. Jake was not happy as he had said already. But I had plans for today. I was going to try and get Paul to open up to me. He was bitter towards me, even though he did not know me either. This I did not like. It wasn't fair.
The pack's plan was to separate and span out from Emily's house in all directions so that they would cover the surrounding forest. They were sure that victoria would follow my scent. Their only concern was any hikers in the forests that got in her path. If they wanted to save somebody, they would have to show themselves as wolves.
They all had an air of confidence about them as I entered the bright home. Paul looked glum sat at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. There was something more going on here. Sam was whispering softly into Paul's ear. Paul shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. I felt Jacob tense next to me.
"Paul, if you so much as…"
"Hey, hey, bro… I won't touch her I promise. I won't even speak with her if I can help it." Paul had sadness about his eyes as he said this. That was not like Paul. Normally, a threat like that would have been reprimanded with a sleazy insult or a death threat from the hot-head teen.
The wolves left, after quick goodbyes. I felt sick watching them all go. I had come to think of the pack as my family. An extended family. I loved them – and I cared for them as if they were my brothers too. But Paul was an issue right now. So I had to do something. I thought some food would soften him up.
"Do you want some lunch?" I asked sheepishly.
"Um, ok. Not too much though, I'm not feeling myself today." I was definitely worried about Paul now. He had never so much as turned down a crumb of food before. Hunger was a part of the wolf. It was a quirky part, a funny part that I joked about with the pack. But here was the epitome of 'wolf' telling me that he basically was not hungry. He could not be sick - I knew that they couldn't get sick.
"Bella, don't ask and I won't bother you today, ok?" He continued on as he gauged my reaction. I didn't answer him. I knew I would find out.
After I cooked him up some noodles, he was looking slightly better. He was less hunched; he seemed to be more comfortable.
"Paul, we never talk you and me." I thought maybe a heart to heart was needed. I devised a plan. If I softened Paul by telling him a secret, he would hopefully share his pain with me. I didn't want him to suffer alone.
Before he answered me, he went outside to phase. When he came back, after checking in with the guys, he said, "No news yet. I know we don't talk Bella, but we didn't get off to a great start. Now don't start being a wuss with me or you'll be sorry you wanted to talk to me in the first place."
I was taken aback at his sudden vicious outburst at the end of what I thought was a well-meaning statement.
"I know we didn't start out so good, but I understand why I was pissing you off back then. I don't understand what I could have done to hurt you this time."
"You are so full of yourself, Swan. I am not 'hurt' by you. You could never hurt me. You do piss me off, so deal with it. I don't care how many vampire friends you've got, I'll take them all out." Definitely not getting anywhere with this tack.
"Ok, I will level with you Paul. You don't like me. I'm not so sure about you. But you don't even know me. I would like to get to know you. I do not have any vampire friends. And if you mean enemies, then you should know that I didn't ask for this." Paul started to shake violently in his seat. I had really done it now. I worried if he was going to hurt me. I stood up and backed up cautiously against the countertop. He followed.
Paul was scary up close, especially as he was trying to hold his shape in order to not kill me.
"Today is not the day to piss me off, Swan. I mean it. Don't test me. I can barely keep my shape on a normal day. Today is the day, and I'm stuck here with you." Where had all of this hatred come from? "So you just wait here, I'm going to check in with the guys again and I may be a few minutes while I calm down." Paul left as he finished his sentence, leaving me a crumpled shaken mess holding myself up. I was truly frightened of him in that moment. I knew he wouldn't really hurt me, but if he got angry like that again, I didn't think he could hold his shape.
I cried in that moment. I cried for being lonely and worrying for my best friends. I cried for the friends who had put me in this situation on the first place. The friends who had left me alone. I let all of my insecurities fall to the checkerboard floor with my tears.
Paul came back in as I was wiping my eyes clear. He looked at me with pity. I didn't know he possessed such an emotion.
"I'm sorry, ok?" He was still tense. "Nothing happening on the war front." War. I didn't like that word. Everything was so military with these wolves when they got serious.
"Sit down, Bella; I think I have to explain. This is not about you. God. I will kill Jake for sticking with Sam and letting me stay here with you. If you so much as tell a soul what I'm about to tell you, I will personally rip you limb from limb, no matter what Jake does about it." He was so intimidating in that moment alone that I ran to sit down and closed my open mouth.
Paul told me everything. He told me about how badly he does in school on the Rez. He told me of being left to look after himself as a child as his parents thought of him as a hindrance. The more he spoke the more vulnerable he became in front of me. My throat went dry thinking of Paul as a child, alone and afraid. He told me he ran away once. But when his father found him, he beat him up. He told me that he hated them, his parents. He told me he was bitter because he held so much hate for them. He told me of how he raised himself to be tough and to take no shit from anyone. He had had to backtrack on his feelings when his father left his mother. They had a bad split and Paul's mother took it even worse. He told of her struggle to stay alive when his dad left. He told me he had felt compelled to keep her safe.
"Maybe it was the wolf in me, the protector…" He had said. There were tears rolling down his cheeks freely. Paul was a broken man. He was like me. Holding it together by his better ness whereas I was holding myself up by numbing the pain.
"I loved her, even though she hated me. I regretted never staying by her side growing up. But I was still young. I had plenty of time left with her… I thought. She resented me. She blamed me for him leaving. She drank so much. She couldn't live that way for long. She was eaten alive by her own resentment. One day…We – we fought. She was mad because the principal of the school told her I was ditching. She – she drank herself into a stupor that night. I didn't know what to do when I found her. I – I should have known… I could have stopped it. She dies from alcohol poisoning. She choked on her own vomit in her bed."
Paul choked back his own sobs as his broad shoulders were wracked with retching quakes. He had fallen down a slippery slope the moment he had started talking. I knew he would be angry when he realised he had told me his story. I was mentally preparing myself for his outburst but it never came. He kept his eyes lowered, but his chin held high. He was not afraid to show his emotion now that he knew I understood it. I wanted to cry for him – but I put it off. I wanted to hug him and hold him like the child he looked before me. I couldn't do it. I just sat there and stared at my hands. I knew what today was. I didn't want him to day it.
"Today was the day I could have saved her. It was years ago…but I haven't stopped thinking about it. Who would? I don't know." Suddenly his eyes widened as he trailed off. He looked at me for the first time since talking. He finally realised I was in the room. He mouth opened but he closed it again. Was he going to be mad?
I had predicted rightly. Paul started to shake. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you stop me? Are you crazy? You don't let people you barely know talk like that…You stupid bitch, Swan." I stood up and walked onto the back porch of the house. I needed to get away from him. Paul was acting like a crazy person. I wanted Jake. I hadn't wanted to know Paul's shocking story. I never guessed he had had such a hard life. He was so bitter, it just seemed like he thought himself above everyone else. Paul was ranting and raving kicking at chairs inside the quaint little house. The sounds of violence didn't suit this house. I had to brave. Paul had a right to be mad, but not at me.
"Paul. You stop this right now. You go outside there and you phase and you tell me how the guys are. You have no right to act like this. I did nothing to you. I won't tell anyone your secrets but please Paul, don't be like this with me. I can help you…" I tried to ease his ill feelings, but it seemed I only made things worse and worse.
"Don't tell me what to do. You're not my alpha… But I know, I know. I'm mad at me, not you…" He trailed off. It hadn't been so bad after all. I felt a small ray of hope uncover in mine and his friendship. Paul just needed to trust. He just needed to let go. I resolved that I would help him. Preferably without him knowing, as that proved too dangerous – especially after today.
He had stopped shaking. He ran outside and phased.
Poor Paul…I thought to myself, the boy must have had it bad. No wonder he was so mad. He couldn't achieve his dreams all because his parents never cherished him as their son. When he tried to show his love, he was pushed away again. Now he was doing the pushing.
He returned and beckoned me into the small living room. He sat on the couch and patted the space next to him.
"Bella, there is some news. The pack picked up on Victoria's scent. They followed her north, but there was another with her. They recognised the scent. It has to be one of the Cullen clan. They don't know whether she was being chased by them, but the pack has to retreat back to the treaty line. They can't go any further in case they break the treaty. Today was a failure. They're all pretty pissed about it, so just act normal when they get here in a few minutes. I will be leaving then and I trust you not to tell them my secrets Bella. They know of my life. But I have never in my life cried in front of one soul. Please." Paul's eyes did not show the pleading he was trying to convey, they only showed me anger. I nodded silently and muttered "promise…" back to him. He patted my shoulder and left as soon as the guys all burst through the door.
When Embry and Jared went to go on patrol, Quil left for home as did Seth. Sam told Jake and me to stay in Emily's place until he was returned from meeting with the council. Jake stared at me for a long time before pulling me into a hug.
"Jake, need to breathe!"
Jake laughed and let me go. He was watching me funnily now.
"Bella, why was Paul hiding his thoughts earlier? When he phased, we couldn't see anything. But he made everyone feel very…um…exposed?" Jake struggled to find the right words for the emotions he had felt, I knew. I didn't answer him, just shrugged. I had no answer. I couldn't lie to Jake but I couldn't betray Paul so easily either.
"Maybe he didn't want you to know I made him some lunch?" I asked playfully. Jake caught me up and set me on his lap on the couch. This was a first for Jake and i. I don't think we had ever been so close, physically. I felt the electricity flowing through me. I was ready for him. I needed to tell him my feelings. I knew he had them already; he was waiting for my confirmation.
I was scared though, scared to ruin what we had. We were so comfortable together. I wanted this. I knew I wanted to further things with Jake. Maybe just a kiss. Maybe I wouldn't have to speak then. He would know how I was feeling anyway. Just a kiss…
I fought with myself, until Jake started laughing at me.
"You're face, Bells. What are you thinking? You look so confused!" Jake was so happy. He was so at home with me, he wasn't even afraid of me thinking to myself. He had always wanted to know what I was thinking. But now was not the time for comparisons.
"Jake…" I whispered as I leaned my head towards his, staring into his deep dark eyes. His jaw dropped as he realised what I was trying to do. He was eager. Too eager. He put me off.
I sighed and stopped leaning towards him. He stopped his hands, which were climbing up the back of my neck, in anticipation of what he had seen coming.
Damn it, I thought. I would have to get this right. I turned half away from him.
He saw right through me. He knew I wasn't just second-guessing myself, I had been thinking about how to do this the right way.
He smiled that favourite smile of mine…
I got lost in him in that moment. It was just us and nobody else, our own little world. I knew I loved him, not as a brother but as a best friend and lover then. Even though he was not my lover, I knew it was a possibility. And it would be as easy as breathing.
He closed his eyes and breathed deep, as if sniffing the air. His hands started pulling me around to face him again. There was desire in his eyes, little pools of want that increased my need to kiss him in that moment.
Then his lips softly brushed over mine. The fullness and softness of them was so new to me. I was used to cold and rigid, now I had warm and inviting. He gently pulled my head closer to him as I deepened our kiss. Our lips joined perfectly, moulding into each other's.
Then I pulled away. That's all I had wanted, one kiss to prove my feelings to myself. That was all I needed.
"I love you, Jake…"
I knew I had made a life-changing decision in that moment. I had changed my own destiny. I had fallen in love again.
And I couldn't have been happier about it.