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Chapter 15 – Difficult

I woke with a start on Monday morning. As I stared around my room I had the feeling somebody was watching me. I looked towards the open window and caught something shimmering in the early sun. It had to be just after dawn. As I got up to investigate closer, I saw the figure I had been waiting to visit me, sitting in the tree outside my window. With a graceful air, he leapt into my room, never making a sound.

Jasper watched me with anxious eyes. I knew he was gauging my emotions, so I kept myself under checks. I didn't want him to know how annoyed I was. He had nearly caused a rift between me and my Jake. He had some grovelling to do. I was nice enough to allow him report to me for the week, and he threw it in my face like that.

"Bella. I know I have a lot to explain. But we decided it was best if we just told them first. We weren't sure if this would affect you…" Jasper looked tremendously guilty. His pristine features were boring into the floorboards as I scrutinized his demeanour.

"Who's we? How can you say that this would affect me? What would you know? You left Jasper and you let him blame your weakness!" I was furious now, my voice nearly extending beyond my whispers – I couldn't wake Charlie. I determined to bring him into that fury too; he had to feel exactly what I felt.

"Please Bella; let me explain it to you…" He continued when I didn't respond. I didn't want to tell him, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything. "Alice hasn't been having any visions involving you with a while, and then she did. But you were with Edward. And happy too. The family decided that you were better off not knowing. It might …change it."

Now the fury bubbled over in a haze of red clouding my senses. They wanted it to be real. The Cullen's, who I had thought to be on my side, wanted my relationship with Jake ruined for one vision!

"NO. No, Jasper. It will change. I am never going back to Edward. I won't. Don't you see I'm not able? I'm not in love with him anymore, I love Jacob now and it's going to stay that way. Now, tell me what else is going on." I wanted him to stop this, doubting my relationship with Jake was something I didn't take to easily to. Jasper looked mad at me for dismissing him so callously but it had to be done. He needed to feel that anger that was bubbling over on me. He must have felt it now because he did nothing to stop it.

Jasper stared at me, a wild expression on his face. He stuttered out one statement.

"You should feel lucky to have been with someone like Edward. You are only human after all. You shouldn't even know about us…"

That statement set swiftly into motion my fear. Realisation that this was actually a vampire in front of made me shake and squirm. He came closer, I looked at his hands. Those hands could crush me in a second. I hoped I hadn't pushed it too far. I could have just accepted what he was saying and held my tongue. His arms tightened and he gripped mine with those killer hands. I could feel the blood getting cut off to my hands and they started to prickle.

The next thing I knew I was being thrown out of my own bedroom window. No, not thrown. I never hit the ground. I was flying… No. I was being carried. I was being run through the forest towards an unknown destination. Going so fast I wasn't able to see who it was that was carrying me, but I was sure it was Jasper. What was he going to do with me?

My distress was short lived. We arrived at the Cullen's old house. It still stood in all its former glory. I remembered coming to this house, and being amazed by the sight of it hidden in the trees where it stood out like a sore thumb. Jasper put me down and walked me to the door, keep a hand gripping my shoulder. I was still getting an air of anger from him. His eyes betrayed his calm posture; his eyes were filled with pure rage.

"Don't be frightened Bella. You are just being stupid." He spat out my name like a bad word. I had never seen Jasper act this way. He opened the door and walked inside. The house was empty. There was nothing left, all of the Cullen's' belongings had left with them. We entered Carlisle's old study. The room was still as grand as it had ever been. The walls were lined with paintings, probably priceless, and the shelves on the walls still held their dusty old tomes. The desk was still erect in the centre of the room, with the grand chair behind it.

"What are we doing here?" I asked tentatively. I was unsure of Jasper's incentives for bringing me here. He shrugged and leaned absently against the wall.

"I miss this place Bella. I miss what my family had here. I just think we need a quiet place to talk. I'm sorry for getting angry with you, I didn't mean to. It's hard to keep my patience when you test me like that. You do smell …enchanting. I'm sorry." He added when he saw my face. I was shocked. I thought Jasper had gotten over his want for human blood. His eyes were still that watery orange colour, so I knew everything was okay. He just wanted to talk in the comfort of his old house.

"No, it's okay Jasper. I was so frustrated about that vision. I really do hope Edward has a fulfilling life, but I sure as hell am not going to be in it. Please, I don't mean any offence to him. But things have changed." I hoped he understood. My anger from earlier had totally withered out when he had scared me – maybe that was his intention.

"I am going to tell you what we cannot tell the wolves…"

Jasper recited to me all of Alice's recent visions. The calm that was keeping me upright left along with any sense of surety I had as he spoke. He explained why none of his reports have matched up, how he spun us lies after more lies because he and Alice hadn't decided what to do. He told me about there being no vision to say that Edward had been totally won over – that he was going to kill Victoria. But there had been one specifically where I was lying in a meadow with him. And many involving Edwards life end, or drastically change. I gagged as he described some of those visions. He said Alice had been too sad to come tell me herself, as the visions of Edward kept coming through to her. She had been very close to her brother, so of course his future was at the forefront of her mind right now.

My breathing became shallow when he was finished. I had to sit down in Carlisle's chair to steady myself. I wished that this was a bad dream. Pleaded. Jasper sent wave after wave of calm emotions over me, but they didn't help. I was too distressed even for his powers. Nothing could have stopped my mind from seeing Edward kill me over and over again – each time more gruesome than the last.

"You cannot tell the pack Bella please. They will slaughter me for lying. I didn't give them too many details when I came. We decided to tell them, but not the horrible bits. We are all hoping that Edward will see the light soon before it's too late. Alice is watching out for him… He might – you know – deter from our lifestyle in his time alongside Victoria. Esme is trying to reach him…"

Jasper brought me home after I had calmed down. So they were all weary about Edward's eyes turning red soon. That scared me too. I daren't believe it. Edward had always seemed so controlled. He was so alike to Carlisle; who had started his coven to have better values in their life. We stopped at my window while Jasper set me down gently.

"I will have to tell Jacob, Jasper. I know you don't want me to, but I have to. I am afraid and he is the only one I want to talk to. I will warn him you did it to protect us, I will tell him your reasons. They need your help so they won't hurt you…" I strained to sound as confident as I could. I did need to tell Jacob. I needed to talk about this with my best friend – not my boyfriend. I needed Jake to be here for me because I was afraid; more so than I would like to admit.

Jasper simply nodded at me, apprehension written all over his pristine features. He knew I would do this with or without his permission. This was all caused by me; I would not keep anyone in the dark about anything anymore. That didn't help anything.

It was now mid-morning. Charlie had left for work – how had I gotten away with being out of the house for so long? I didn't need to worry about it. I left for my shift at Anna's after I had something to eat. My head still boggled and all I wanted to do was see Jake.

Work had been pretty uneventful. I had been too distracted to notice anything. I broke two cups and one saucer today. A new record for me – normally it was just knocking over some books. Before I left, Anna stopped me.

"Honey, you make sure you see that boy of yours soon. You look like hell." Thanks, boss, I thought wryly. I smiled at Anna apologetically, but she brushed me off telling me she would see me in the morning.

I left and went home to fix dinner for Charlie. He was watching television in the living room, some sports game or something.

"Fix up some extra Bells. Billy and Harry are coming over." He smiled at me. I was delighted. This meant Jake would be free to see me, alone. I remembered something about Harry just then, something Emily had said.

"Dad, is Harry okay?"

Charlie looked taken aback by my question. He assured me that Harry's health issue had just been a scare – but he didn't specify what. He told me that only the family had known about it. He was watching me curiously. I nodded and walked away to prepare dinner. This was what I needed, a monotonous task that would take my mind away from the scary thoughts that filled my head completely.

I practically ran out the door after serving the three old friends a large batch of fried chicken with potatoes. They all thanked me but I barely heard them – I was barrelling towards my best friend. Boyfriend. I would never get used to that.

Jacob wasn't at home when I arrived there. I went to Emily's house too, but she told me the guys were down at the beach already. They were all having their food down there; Emily hadn't had the heart to call them back to the house. I helped her get the food ready, and carry it down to the beach. We lugged the huge baskets along until our respective wolves came and took the baskets from us.

Jake winked at me as he tucked into his food. All of them were silent as they ate. When feeding time had finished they all lay back on the cold sand and relaxed a little. I admired how comfortable they all were together.

Jake and I walked away down the beach, to a place where the pack wouldn't overhear us. I had to tell him everything. And soon. I needed some release.

"Jasper visited me." I decided it was easier to start and allow him to question me. "He had a lot to say…"

"What was the lee- I mean what was he doing here? He told us he wouldn't have more news for a few weeks at the least. Did he tell you about… that pixie's dream or whatever it was about you?" Jake seemed anxious. He was referring to my future that had been seen with Edward. I understood Alice to be the pixie. I nodded to him; we hadn't talked about that yet.

I recounted all of what Jasper had told me to Jake. I told him how scared I was. I told him how much he meant to me. I told him everything that I needed to make myself okay again. I needed somebody to tell me everything was going to be okay. All of this had become too much for me. I just wanted my life to be normal and stress-free – with my job, my house, my Jake.

"Aw, Bells…" Jake slid an arm around my waist and pulled me down onto his lap on the sand. His warmth was reassuring enough for my tired limbs. "You don't have to be scared. I don't care if I only have ten more minutes with you, as long as I know I had some part of you. You let me into your heart and I am so happy for that. Don't worry about all of this stuff… if the leech said they'd take care of it, then they will."

This was what I needed. He seemed to know how to soothe me. It was so natural for us. I knew it was hard for him to move on from the fact that Jasper had lied, but he was letting it slide, just for me.

"You know I have to tell Sam. I'm sorry, but I have to. If I don't he'll see it in my thoughts…" Jake really did look sorry. "But for now, it's just me and you, Bells."

I knew I could get through this with Jake by side.

We strolled back to his house, Billy was still at mine. We lay down together on the sofa, our bodies pressed tight against each other. It was so comforting. We didn't talk any more about anything stressful. We lay there and whispered sweet nothings to each other. I had to tell Jake how much he meant to me over and over, I felt I couldn't express it enough. I felt the fatigue come over me. I suggested going home, but Jake slapped me playfully on the wrist and told me Billy would tell Charlie I was here. I left the sleep overtake me. Jake's heat was surrounding me, his sweet hot breaths calming me as they danced over the side of my face.

A while later I heard Billy come in but was too tired to even open my eyes.

"Will I call Charlie, Jake?"

"Please, she's had a difficult day, I just want her to sleep…"

I heard the wheels of Billy's chair squeaking as he rolled toward the kitchen. A sweet kiss was pressed into my temple. I let my mind wander. I snuggled in as close as I could to Jake, knowing I was safe here in his arms.

I thought about my day, everything had been so wrong. And now, being here with Jake made it all seem so right. But I knew every problem was not solved by just upheaving my emotions onto him. It was a strange situation…

Difficult. That was one way to describe it.