Late...I know. Forgive me?
It's a short chapter...I know. Forgive me?
*bats eyelashes*
Beta & pre-reader ...kellyprovence & Bbebar...nutin but luv fo ya!
Warning: For How Long deals with physical & emotional abuse. If these things offend you or are hard for you to handle then please don't read. It won't be anything too graphic but the abuse is still there.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or it's characters. I do own this though.
**This is the edited chapter! I uploaded the rough copy last night instead of this one! Sorry! Most of the differences are grammar related but there are a few line changes & stuff...so yea. =)
For How Long - Hope
-When everything else runs away from you...love & hope walk slowly.-
My eyes want to open but my mind wants to keep them closed. Maybe to protect me from the pain that will make itself known once my body wakes or to keep me from realizing it was all a dream.
I had the most wonderful dream. Edward came to me and told me it would all be alright. He said he'd take me from this life I've been living for so long. He promised to never hurt me.
I feel myself smile. Then I hear a laugh but it's not my laugh. It's manly.
My brain is far too curious, so it makes my eyes open despite their protest.
I see him. He's smiling at me. Edward.
I sit up far too fast and my head spins. Then the pain comes. My face feels worse now than it did earlier. Wait, what time is it? Is it still today?
I hold my head while trying to keep my hands from touching my face. I don't want to know if it looks worse. It probably does. How can he stand to look at me like this?
I feel the bed dip when he sits next to me. He places his hand on my back gently. I want to shrug it off. It feels nice but he shouldn't be here. I should tell him to leave. I won't though. I'm selfish like that.
"What time is it?" I ask in a whisper.
"Almost midnight. You were asleep for a while."
"Why are you still here?"
He looked hurt at the question.
"Do you want me to go?"
"Yes. No. I don't know…what I want," I answered.
It wasn't a lie. It wasn't about what I wanted. It was about what was expected.
"Bella, I'll leave if that's what you want but I would really like to help you."
I shook my head. Did he not understand?
"You can't help me! God, why can't you get that? He'll find me, Edward. No matter where I go, he'll find me. He'll take me away from my parents-from the only people that love me. That can't happen!"
"I won't let him find you, Bella. I'll do anything I can to keep him from you. He won't take you away from your family."
"Can you promise me that? Can you promise me that he'll never hurt me again?"
He was silent. I saw that he wanted to tell me yes but he knew better. There was nothing about this that was certain. Other than me staying exactly where I was.
"Exactly. You can't promise me anything. So please stop making up these scenarios that just make it worse. Being realistic is the only thing I have right now."
I hate being angry. He didn't deserve to see this side of me, but I just had to stop this. He had to leave.
I stand and flinch. I hurt everywhere.
"Please, just sit back down. I'm going to go get you something for the pain. Where's the medicine?"
I sigh. I need something so I tell him to look in the cabinet in the bathroom. Top shelf.
He walks into the bathroom and I want to cry. Seeing him leave, even just the room, is incredibly hard. I tell myself that it's because he knows now and he could tell someone. I think I know it's more than that. It is more than that.
He comes out and walks toward me with questions in his eyes; on his face.
"These are what you want for the pain?" He asks, slowly.
I nod and take the Vicodin.
"Bella, why do you have something that strong?"
I don't answer at first. If I tell him why, he'll have questions. Just like now…only he's not asking the tough ones yet. He will if I tell him why I have these.
"Bella?"
"I had a facial fracture. The pain was horrible so my doctor gave me something for it."
I didn't want to tell him how I got the facial fracture, or how it was his dad who prescribed me the pills.
"How did you get the fracture, Bella?"
"It doesn't matter, alright. Thank you for all your help. Don't feel like you have to stay." My words were cold, but I needed him to want to leave.
"I'm going to say this and I hope you don't take it the wrong way," he paused until I looked at him, "You're not the only battered wife out there Bella. Lots of women go through this and a lot of them get away from it."
Now I was angry at him.
"You think I don't know that? I know I'm not the only one, Edward. We all think we hide it so well, but if you know what to look for you see that we're everywhere. We flinch if anyone gets too close, we never make eye contact unless it's unavoidable, and we never initiate conversation. We hope that we never make him too mad and hope that he can stop himself the next time he needs to hurt us." I can't help the words; I need to get them out, but I'm sorry Edward has to hear them.
"We wonder if the next time is going to be the time he loses it completely and makes us a memory, a statistic. Being dead is a lot more terrifying then being beaten every now and then." I sigh. That's only half true. "Most of the time, anyway."
I look at him. He's sad. I keep fucking up.
"I'm not the only one, Edward, but I am one. Does knowing that help you at all?" I don't give him time to answer. I'm mad, but not at him…not anymore. It went as fast as it came. "I didn't think so. So just do yourself a favor and leave. Don't make my fucked up life your problem."
He doesn't walk toward me or move at all. His eyes are on the carpet.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset. I just want to help. If you don't want it, then I'll go. I just want you to know that I want to help."
He turns to leave. Good. He needs to leave. I wait a couple of minutes before venturing out in to the living room. I've never felt more alone then I do right now; With Edward gone. I gasp when I enter the room and see him sitting on the ottoman. I feel relieved and then I'm angry at myself for feeling that way. He needs to leave. I need him to leave. I want him to stay.
He looks at me with pain in his eyes. I panic. Why is he hurting? That's my job.
"I can't…I don't want to go, Bella." He whispers, the words catching in his throat.
"I don't want you to go, Edward. I just don't know how to let you stay." The tears fall now. It hurts. My face isn't pretty when I cry. My face isn't pretty right now at all though, so I cover it with my hands. Ignoring the pain the pressure brings.
I feel his arms. They're warm. Just like before and I melt into him.
"I'll help you learn," he whispers.
-xx-
"I'll take you to your parent's and I'll tell them everything. You won't have to say anything. Would that make it easier?" Edward asks before biting into his pizza.
It's two in the morning and we have pizza and iced tea. He was hungry.
"No, because they'll still know. Demetri will come there and I just…no." I shake my head to drive the point home.
"Bella, your family isn't going to let him take you away." He sounds exasperated.
"Yes, he will. They can't be with me twenty-four seven, Edward."
He puts his plate down on the coffee table and comes to sit next to me on the sofa. He goes to say something but the house phone rings, cutting him off.
"Who's calling you at two in the morning?"
I don't answer him. I know who it is.
"Just be quiet. Don't say anything."
I walk over to the phone and pick it up off the cradle.
"Hello?"
"Were you sleeping?"
"Yes, is everything okay?" I know why Demetri's calling. He wants to make sure I'm home. Like I'm supposed to be.
"Everything's fine. Just turning in. They had a get together here and it went on longer than expected."
"Oh, well I hope you enjoyed yourself."
Edward is watching me the whole time I'm talking. Taking in my side of the conversation.
"How are you?"
He wants to know about my face.
"I'm swollen and it hurts some, but I'll be fine," I answer, gently touching my face. Edward's face grows angry. I don't like him angry.
"Good, I can't very well take you out to dinner if your black and blue."
"Yes."
"I'll let you get back to sleep. What are your plans tomorrow?"
I don't know. I suppose I'll tell him what I should be doing tomorrow.
"Nothing."
"Well, don't mope. Clean or shuffle the furniture around. Do something useful."
"Of course," I want to cry again. I hate this. He makes me out to be the bad person.
"Goodnight, Bella."
He hangs up before I can wish him the same.
"What the hell is doing calling you at this hour?"
I'm startled at the anger in Edward's voice.
"He wanted to make sure I was home and to check on my face."
"Bella, you have to do something. I can't leave you here knowing what he does to you. I just can't!" I'd never heard Edward yell before.
"He'll be gone for four more days. He won't do anything to me if you leave…" It was weak but I didn't want Edward to feel like he had to help me. Knowing didn't obligate him to anything.
"Fine, then I'll stay here until I can't anymore and then we'll decide where you'll go afterwards."
I choke on my iced tea.
"You can't stay here. My neighbors will eventually realize you're not my husband."
He sighs heavily.
"Well, we'll need a new plan, but I'm not letting you stay here after he gets back."
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I knew there was no way for him to help me. He would have to learn that too.
"Why were you smiling when I woke up earlier?" Change of subject was always a good defensive tactic.
He looks at me with his eyes narrowed. He's on to me.
"You were smiling."
I wait for further explanation but receive none. I prompt him.
"And?"
He shrugs.
"And I liked that. I like when you smile."
So, I do.
"How awful do I look right now?" I ask.
"You're beautiful, Bella."
I shouldn't believe him. How could I possibly look anything short of atrocious? He's not lying to me though. I can see it in his eyes. He really thinks I'm beautiful.
"You're sort of beautiful, too," I whisper.
He smiles now. Yes, he's most definitely beautiful.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?"
I look away and think before answering. I don't see the point in lying to him now.
"My stomach is a bit sore and so is my shoulder. They're fine though. Just bruised."
"Can I ask you a question?"
I laugh. Now he asks permission. He smiles shyly and I nod.
"Do you always treat yourself?"
I quickly look away. I don't want to tell him I see his father. That I saw his father.
"No, I'm not a doctor and sometimes I need one."
His eyes get angry again but he reins it in.
"Where do you go?"
"To this clinic. I pay though. I'd never take advantage of a place like that."
I get up slowly and walk our plates back into the kitchen. He's going to figure it out. He's a smart man and I'm being too vague.
He's standing in the doorway now and he's working it out in his head.
"Bella, what clinic do you go to, exactly?"
I don't face him but I tell him.
"The free clinic off of Hamilton."
There's silence and I fight the urge to turn around. I don't want to know how angry he is with me.
"My dad?"
I nod.
"How long has he known you?" His voice is still calm but I can't see if his face matches.
"He's seen me a few times but he didn't know I was Bella Volturi."
I turn now and see the curiosity on his face. He doesn't look mad.
"I'm Isabella Swan when I'm at the clinic."
"Well, at least you were seeing someone you could trust."
"He was very good to me."
"It's about time someone was."
-xx-
I feel the sun before I see it. I groan when I roll to my back. The soreness isn't as bad in my stomach or shoulder but my face still hurts.
I turn my head to look at the bedside clock. 10:30 am.
Normally I would be asking myself how in the world I managed to sleep so late but staying up until five this morning with Edward was the reason.
Edward.
There's no sign of him in the room. I stand slowly and walk toward the living room.
He's asleep on the sofa. Legs awkwardly thrown over the arm and his head all smashed on the arm. He's got to be a foot longer then my couch. He can't possibly be comfortable. Why didn't he take the guest room?
I went to bed before him. He said he was just going to look some things up online and then would turn in.
I try to be quiet while making breakfast. Brunch?
I'm just taking the last of the bacon out of the pan when he speaks.
"Smells wonderful."
I turn and smile at him. My face is looking a little better. The swelling is all but gone now.
"I was just about to wake you. Do want coffee or orange juice?"
He walks and sits at the table. I like this view. He fits.
"Coffee please. How are you feeling?"
I pour him some coffee and take my seat. It's a loaded question he's asked me and I'm not sure how much of it I want to answer.
"The soreness is almost gone and I think the swelling is going down."
"Yes, you're right. Just bruising it seems. I think Tylenol or Ibuprofen would suffice as far as pain relievers, Bella. Vicodin is a strong kind of pill."
I know all this. I'm not trying to become addicted to anything. That's all I need is something else to make me messed up.
Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle on my own. I figure if I can get rid of the physical pain then the emotional pain doesn't seem so intrusive.
"Yes, I'll only be taking over the counter medicine from now on, Doctor Cullen."
He laughs and digs into the eggs that are next to his bacon and toast. For once, I don't mind having to fix a meal for a man.
We make idle conversation during breakfast and by the end of it, I almost have myself convinced he's going to let this go.
We are just stepping into the living room when he starts.
"So, we need a plan, and the sooner we have one the sooner we can get you out of here. Away from Demetri."
He's serious. I can see that and have no doubt he means it. I'm just weary of how he plans on doing these impossible things.
"First thing is first, we get you out of this apartment."
Already I see the problem with this whole thing. Where am I supposed to go? He knows where my whole family lives. He'll come and take me away or make them think I need professional help.
I ask these questions and state these facts.
"Bella, he wouldn't dare go to your parent's home and demand that they let you go. They'll know he's been abusive."
"He'll tell them I'm making it up, that I did this to myself. He's a great liar, Edward. They'll believe him."
He shakes his head.
"I think you underestimate your family."
"I think you underestimate Demetri."
"Well what about Emmett? Couldn't you go to Tennessee and stay with him?"
"He'll find me. If I'm not with my family here, he'll know I'm with Emmett."
"Bella, you have to give me something here. I mean…if I didn't know better I'd say you-"
"What?" I ask, cutting him off. We both know what he was going to say. I don't want to be angry with him but I swear on everything Holy if he finishes his sentence, I'm kicking him out and never speaking to him again.
"Nothing, Bella. I'm sorry. Of course you don't want this."
I can't help but be a bit upset, but I'm not mad at him.
"I don't want this for myself any more than you want it for me, but I can't just take leaps and bounds without knowing where I'm going to land. I don't have that luxury."
"I know, I'm sorry," he says with a sigh. I want him to stop apologizing. He's done nothing wrong.
"Come with me then."
I blink a couple of times. I didn't just hear that. He's not serious.
"Did you hear me, Bella?"
I nod but can't form words. This man is crazy.
"Well, what do you think? Demetri wouldn't think to look there would he?"
"I'm not sure," I finally croak out.
"What do you mean?"
"He thinks I like you. He might not think of you at first, but he would eventually put two and two together."
"He doesn't know where I live though, and I could instruct my parents not to tell him or anyone else, for that matter."
"Don't do this. Don't make this your problem, please."
I don't want him to get hurt. Demetri will hurt him to get to me. This isn't Edward's problem to fix and I'm not someone he should care about.
"I can't just go on and act like nothing happens here. He beats you, Bella. How can I just pretend I don't know that?" He's getting angry now, but I'm not sure if it's at the situation or me this time.
"I don't know what I'll do if you get hurt," I confess with a tear sliding down my cheek.
"I don't know what I'll do if you get hurt…again," he counters.
"Will you come with me, please?"
I look away from his face. His perfect doctor face that helps people when they're hurt or scared. His eyes hold so much about him and I want to look until I know all there is to know. I take a deep breath and turn to face him again. I scoot closer so I can see his eyes in all their evergreen glory.
I see truth and heart. Honesty and trust radiates from them. There's something else there too, something I can't place just yet. It's the final straw. That undefined emotion he has lurking.
"Yes."
I hope it's only the last straw and not the final nail.
Let me know what ya think?
I know it was short but I wanted this to be it's own chapter.
Next update...SOON! (cop out i know...but RL has really been kickin my ass as of late.)
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-rach.