Chapter 18 – Certainty

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. And I certainly never get my own way. As much as I wished I could stay in this black hole – not thinking – I couldn't. I had to come too soon. But I stayed for as long as I could force my mind to be blank. I needed to sort my thoughts out…

The wolves expected me to make a decision about Jacob and Edward. I had already made that decision. A long time ago and I couldn't believe none of them had seen it yet. Jake was mine now; I wouldn't let him go. Edward had left me and the scars still opened up fresh when I saw him. He had done damage to me in ways I didn't like to think about. I could never go back to him. Jacob was my sun, he was my air. Without him I would still be pining for Edward; who couldn't even love me the way I needed him to. I only had one problem with Sam's demands. I could not send the Cullens away. That shouldn't be my decision. That wasn't fair. I would never get my own way if I told them I wanted at least Alice to stay and be my friend.

I knew I had a lot of grovelling to do with Jake. I didn't do anything to justify his coldness – that I expected – but ii knew he was insecure about Edward. He always thought I would rush back to the Cullens if I could. But he was wrong. I needed to reassure him that he was the one who owned my heart. That I could never love anyone more than I loved him right now. I loved everything about him. His warmth, his beautiful eyes, his broad shoulders, his dark russet skin, his whole personality, that way he picks me up and makes me feel like the only person in the world.

What overwhelmed me the most was Victoria. She had come. I knew she would but I didn't realise I was in such danger of being taken. I wondered if it had been chance that she found me in the forest. How long had the wolves been chasing her for? I had to thank them all somehow.

I opened my eyes. I was alone. I stood up in the small room at Emily's. There was a mirror, so I figured I'd do some damage checking. Even I gasped when I saw my reflection. My top and jeans were ripped, but they had not been peeled off of my sore skin yet. Through the holes in my clothes, I could see the rips and gashes in my skin all over. All of there were a very dark red colour and the skin around them was pink. Deep cuts. Everywhere was red from where Emily had tried to clean me off. My face was covered halfway with gauze. Underneath blood still seeped lazily from the hole in my cheek. That needed stitches. Or a tighter gauze. I pulled off the bandages. My rest of me was dirty, covered in mud and dust. I was a mess. I tried to wipe down my jeans and top with my hands but no matter how much I scrabbled at them; it didn't do very much.

"Sorry Bella"

Paul. I hadn't even heard him come in. I felt tears prickle the corners of my eyes but I did not let them fall. Paul was limping slightly. I hadn't figured he would have had injuries that weren't visible. He was still pale but the cuts down his right side were faded and looked like scars now. How I wanted to be a werewolf – just for their ability to heal.

When I didn't answer, he continued.

"I know I shouldn't have been like that with you last night. I was just angry that I couldn't beat her. Well, I don't feel so bad hearing even Sam had some trouble… But I am sorry. Still friends?" Paul's expression changed so much during his statements that it was almost comical.

"Yeah, Paul. It's fine. I know I was just a bit all over the place. Sometimes I can't keep up, you know?" I replied with a tentative tone. He nodded and came over to give me a hug.

I felt myself being guarded by the warmth of his arms – just like yesterday with Embry. I still wished it was Jake but Paul was comforting enough for me. I let myself relax into his arms and run my own up his back.

"Thanks Paul…" I whispered to him. My voice had left me. If I opened my mouth or my eyes I knew I would break down. The tears were waiting but I refused to let them get the better of me. Paul gently patted my shoulders with is warm hands. He sighed heavily and told me to come to the kitchen for food. Trust one of the packs to leave in a flash when they smelled food.

Not caring about my appearance anymore I walked down to the kitchen. Emily rushed over to me and placed a bundle of clothes in my arms. She told me to go change before breakfast. So I went. She had given me a baggy t-shirt and some sweats. Perfect. Emily always got it right. When I got back she frowned at my face.

"I'm going to have to wrap that again. You think you can do it without fainting?" I laughed along with her as she went to find her first aid kit. She had to have lots of first aid around for the guys when they went on a hunt for vampires. After I ate one of her huge muffins – delicious – she dragged me to the living room and started to clean out my cut again.

"Bella …don't choose wrong. I would miss having you around and so would all of the guys. Please take the time to think about this. You would lose so much going the other way. Don't do it even if just to avoid being hurt. Jake really does love you, he would never hurt you. He wants to protect you forever. If his heart is broken again I don't know what he'll do."

Emily was muttering all of this underneath her breath as she dressed my cut a bit tighter. I almost laughed at her. They were all so afraid I would go straight back to Edward. I couldn't believe it.

"Jake is mine, Emily. Don't insult my relationship like that." I giggled at her face. She looked so shocked, which should have offended me but it didn't. I was secure here.

Sam came in and told me I had a meeting to go to. He told me not to worry about Charlie; that he went away with Billy. Jake sent them to keep them out of the way. At least I didn't have to explain my cuts yet. Or my absence. I wondered about this meeting though.

"The Cullens have arrived. They are at their house, but I'm sending someone with you. To keep a watch, and let us know what's going on…" He looked uneasy. Paul came in as if he had heard that I needed a companion. I did need him to be there for me. No matter what way I looked at it, if I was to keep my friends happy, I had to take one of them with me. At least this way they would know who I chose.

"Come on then, Bella. Let's do this. Let them down gently for me will you?" Paul sniggered, back to his sarcastic self again. He caught my hand in his large one and dragged me out the door towards the forest. "You better be letting them down…" He murmured threateningly at me. This boy was so volatile.

The problem was I didn't know if I could let them down. I didn't know if I had it in me to lose them again when I had them so close. I didn't want the pain back again. It had hurt too much last time; how could I do it again? I knew I didn't want to be dependent on them anymore. I wasn't going to give up my life for them. I wasn't going to put myself in this position again, with vampires chasing me down for revenge against one of them.

But I couldn't be numb again. I had worked so hard at getting back to normal. Jake had worked hard at getting me back to normal. I knew it would break his heart if I allowed them back into my life. Not now, when I had everything. I had a job – that I loved – and friends that I needed to call immediately now that I thought about it. I had it all. My father was proud of me for getting over my depression so quickly too. It would all be for nothing.

The momentous decision came all too quickly though. The beautifully structured house loomed up ahead of me and Paul. Paul stiffened; I hoped he could keep his temper under wraps. The rain started to fall so our option was entering the house. Alice appeared looking glum. Her tiny features were pinched into an unforgiving expression on her beautiful face.

"Dog stays out. Uh, okay come in but I can't see anything with you around…" Alice changed her tack when Paul let out a low growl.

I rushed towards Alice. She hugged me, but I didn't like her icy grip anymore. There was no comfort to be gotten from it. I had spent so long tied up in the wolves' warm arms and Emily's cosy home that it didn't sit well with me. I let go fumbling a little.

"Come on, everyone is waiting." She whispered. Paul followed along behind us tentatively as she marched me into the living room.

What was once a stunning room, was now nothing. The Cullens were the only masterpieces left on display. Victoria had done her worse to this house it seemed. All of them watched me. I only had eyes for one though. Edward. The cracks in my chest burst open. I thought these feelings had long gone.

Before I could think any more Esme hugged me like a mother, like she had always done. Carlisle nodded at Paul where he stood at the door, and then walked towards me.

"Bella. It's been too long. But before anything let me look at your injuries…" with that I was again dragged to another room. Paul came too. He was very protective today – it was as if he was expecting something. We entered Carlisle makeshift office under the stairs. This room had not been touched. It was the same as the night Jasper had brought me here to talk. Carlisle sat me down upon a hard chair under the lamp.

He pulled off the gauze on my face and let out a sigh.

"You always did find yourself in trouble when you didn't even ask for it. I'll have to stitch this. Like your arm. But it will heal with time. Think of something to tell Charlie while I work." Carlisle was so patient with me. I hadn't said a word since I entered the house and they treated me as if nothing was different. But the doctor was not intent on letting me think.

"Bella, you have some things to think about, I know. But I hope you know that whatever your decision, its fine by me. I want you to have a life but if you chose to stay with us, you will be welcomed into our family as one of us." He continued even when I gasped. I didn't want to be a vampire anymore; he had to know that. "You are so indecisive. Alice can either see nothing or she can see you run with us, and keep up. You are either a black hole or you are getting married to Edward… But that would take some time. I have never been so disappointed in him…" Paul growled again. I could see his form shaking in my peripheral vision. I raised my hand to him and he calmed watching my 'okay' gesture.

"But you need to know what life would be like. It could be great, yes. But not everything is so simple. It is hard to transform and it is a never-ending struggle to keep oneself at bay for the first few months. It can even take years before you are yourself again. You could then on the other hand live a normal life – be happy. You could do normal things. But there are risks. Not as many, I daresay. So you see Bella, I am on your side. Unlike some of the others, I want you to choose and choose for you and not anyone else."

Carlisle's words hit home. He wasn't trying to persuade me either way – he was being a neutral ground. He was being reasonable. It meant so much to me. I patted his shoulder when he finished my face up and put some fresh gauze on me. I tried to convey how much he had calmed me with his little talk.

"Sorry. I don't want to have to… I never wanted…" I couldn't form a sentence. I was overwhelmed. This was happening a lot lately.

Paul followed us back into the living room. Everyone hushed as we came in. I knew what I had to do… I decided.

"NO! Bella how could you? After all we've done." Alice had seen. Rosalie, Esme and Emmett all ticked at her with their teeth. But she threw her hands up in the air and ran from the room. I had never seen Alice to be like this before. I didn't like it one bit.

I looked around at the rest of them. Rosalie and Emmett were holding hands in the corner, both smiling gently at me. Esme was walking towards Carlisle and she looked very peaceful. Carlisle, himself, was nodding at me continuously. Jasper was worriedly stirring from foot to foot. It was unusual to see a vampire fidgeting. I opened my mouth to say something but he hushed me, smiled assuredly to me, and then sped out after Alice.

My eyes finally rested on Edward. He looked tortured. Not one of the other Cullen's looked at him. His red tinged eyes rested on the floor. I felt like sinking towards him and soaking all of him up. No. I couldn't do that. I had made up my mind.

I wanted to live.

"Please… Forgive me." Edward's perfect voice wafted towards my ears. It seemed to dance around the room; it made my heart crack into pieces. I didn't need this. I just wanted to say my bit and be gone. I didn't want to open those wounds again. I really truly didn't. But he seemed intent on opening them. As he spoke Paul growled softly behind me, still standing to attention at the door.

"Bella, I didn't want to turn into this monster… please. Even they" He gestured around the room, "don't want me here but I had to come. Just say we can keep in touch. I have never loved anyone more with all of my heart. Look at us. It didn't have to be like this."

As he spoke softly with his voice tinged with pain, I glowered more and more. I didn't understand what he was saying. He was speaking nonsense. He had done all of this. It was his fault. Yes, maybe it was my fault for getting in so deep with him – being so dependent on him – but this was certainly not my doing. He angered me so much. I didn't open my mouth but just looked around at everyone else again. They were all avoiding my gaze.

"Come on, let's talk. Alone?" He was pleading with me now. I was not going anywhere alone with him now. Paul sighed as if he expected this. I more than ever wanted his temper to kick in and demand I return to La Push. But it seemed I had no choice.

Edward picked me up in his cold arms and whizzed us both out to the trees surrounding his house. I definitely didn't want to be here. Memories came floating back to me from the other night. Paul had phased to his wolf form to keep up with us. He was wretched. I could tell. His wolf was frothing at the mouth and growling openly at Edward. I silently urged him to bring me home. He didn't even look at me.

"I've been horrible Bella, love. I never wanted this for us. I left to protect you – it was for the best. I know what I said inside, but I have no other reason for my own actions. I got dragged into her world. I was weak. Weak from hearing about you and the dog. I have no excuses, only regrets."

I didn't know what to say. He had me feeling sorry for him now. I was torn. Not between two loves anymore – but between the friends I had to lose and the ones I needed to keep. I don't think it would work either way for me. I would be selfish if I saw fit.

"We can keep in touch… I mean it's not like you guys won't be somewhere nearby?" I questioned more than stated. I didn't know what else to say. Paul growled again. I figured I was pushing this now.

"I don't think that would work, and neither does your friend here."

Oh, no. I had forgotten he knew what Paul was thinking. I prayed inside that Paul didn't think about me and Jake – or my raging hormones when that was a problem. Edward grimaced a little so I guessed Paul was threatening him in his thoughts.

"Anyway, love, it's either me or him. Your choice."

Why did he have to say that? Alice had just seen my future go black, I assumed. He could see it in her mind. And yet he still asked me. He was persecuting me.

"Edward I think we both know the answer to that… it once would have been different but I'm in a different place in my life now. I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been. Well, before last night anyway. I'm certain."

I knew I was hurting him now. I knew how he felt. This was what he had done to me. He had told me that his life needed to be away from mine. Now he had gotten his wish.

"I don't know what you're thinking so I can't be certain, Bella. I have to try. I have to fight. I have to live the rest of eternity with the knowledge that I ruined everything. I was weak and useless and I helped nobody. I hurt everyone I loved, and do love. That pain will stay with me always." His pained eyes took me in and my certainty suddenly changed…

I knew that I loved Edward too much before to be able to hurt him like this. I wasn't strong enough for this.

I leaned in to hug him. Just to hug him. I wanted to offer him at least some comfort. I was disgusted by his irises but he still held a place in my scarred heart. I couldn't just let that drop. No matter how much love had filled it since. I wished it were Alice, she had been so angry with me. I forgot everything in that moment and tried my best to catch onto Edward.

The second it took me to step forward was the longest increment of time I had ever lived through. My body couldn't seem to move fast enough. I just wanted to hug him, as a friend. I didn't want to be mad with him or for him to be sad about all of this. It was meant to be and we weren't.

But just as I latched my arms around him I felt his cool lips. His cool lips trailed down my cheeks where tears were falling endlessly. I hadn't realised I was crying again. How could I cry so much in a day and night? But his cool lips brought it all back.

They opened up every cracked furnace in my chest and all of the pain burned me again. It all came back. I couldn't focus enough to rid myself of it. His lips had me in frenzy. I didn't know where to look or what to do.

But the cold, the cold was too much for me. I needed the heat.

I needed my Jake.

But why then was I kissing him back? Why was I allowing myself to be drawn in again? I was so dense. I couldn't stop myself. I just let it all go. I kissed his cheeks and perfectly sculpted jawline continuously. His cool lips retaliating with freezing pinches to my own face.

It was just then that I remembered Paul.

With a look of horror I turned away from Edward. He was staring at us. His breathing was shallow, he looked like he was in pain. He was shaking from paw to ears. His eyes looked sorrowful. He turned and ran.

Just as he left I heard a mind-numbingly awful roar coming from somewhere deep in the forest. The roar was full of misery. It was as if someone was being burned at the stake alive in there.

My Jake.

I knew it.

Now it was my turn to pelt into the forest as fast as I could go.

A/N - I know some of you may not have liked it. It had to be done, it's for progression! Things can only get better now anyway, can't they?

And come on and review!