Chapter 19 – Stuck
My world was ending.
Why did everything I did turn out in disaster?
Was I not meant to be happy?
For those few weeks of happiness with Jake, I paid dearly in the last hour. I ran through the forest. Edward didn't come after me and I was glad. I didn't understand this affect he had on me. He could make me do anything. He made me move in ways no other had made me – but it wasn't good for me. I needed Jake. I had to find him.
I could hear heavy footfalls behind me while I ran. I knew I wasn't fast enough to get away from anything that could be after me but running like this eased the pain. I had to concentrate on my feet and not the spinning thoughts in my head. The padding of feet behind me became louder and louder.
I kept running.
I knew I couldn't run away, I would have to turn back soon, but I couldn't stop either.
My clumsy self hadn't even come into the picture yet. My feet still went one after another pounding into the earth; no sense of direction yet no waver either. It was getting hard to keep my breath in check, the air burned in my nose and mouth. All I could hear in my ears was that miserable howl that had pierced the air when he had seen it.
How had I been do dim? That stupid lack of sense when I was around Edward was enough now to make me regret ever loving him. I knew I could never heal properly after the love we had shared. But I knew it wasn't good for me. Nobody should be so engrossed in love that it hindered their ability to think. That especially wasn't for me. Not now, not ever. Edward could do whatever he wanted with his life and I hoped that involved letting me go.
Strong arms caught me around my waist and pulled me to the ground. I just stayed still in them, letting the warmth overtake me. I tried to push all of my problems from my mind into that warmth. It wasn't that easy though.
"Bella, you idiot. Come on, let's go." It was Quil. The most insensitive person to come find me – he was not what I needed right now. We walked in silence for what felt like miles. I was grateful for him not calling me any more than idiot. We came to La Push and headed for Sam and Emily's place. I was a little afraid to go there if the whole pack was there. I didn't want to know what they thought of me right now.
As we entered the house I hesitated at the door. It was silent. A lone figure was sitting at the kitchen table. Emily. They wanted her to tell me what they thought. Maybe they were all too mad at me to be in the same room. Quil left with no salute at all. I was in serious trouble.
"Sit down, Bella. I won't bite." Emily's voice was timid and it made me want to explain to her everything. She didn't think I had to though; she spoke immediately as I sat down. Reprimanding me.
"Bella. What the hell? No, no. We all warned him about this when that first vampire came around. We knew the rest would follow. We knew it. Bella, please, tell me you're not going back to them. Tell me. I mean it; if you are there is nothing you can say to fix this. They are natural enemies and for you to leave Jacob for him is the most unforgivable act…"
Her voice was strained with anger. It pinched at me and made me wince. It gave me prickles down my spine. There was nothing I could say now. I just had to wait it out. Surely, they would see with time that I wasn't going back to the Cullens. My insides squirmed as the silence after Emily's short lecture fizzled around us. The empty kitchen had never seemed so cold.
"Emily. I don't know what happened. I don't want… I didn't mean to… Um, I don't know how to say it…" She tisked at my embarrassing attempt. I wished I could find the words for the thoughts in my head. I just couldn't put it together. I slumped in the chair and laid my head on the cool table top. Emily came over closer to me and showed some of her caring self as she patted my shoulder.
"What have I done Emily?" Was all I could muster. It was true I didn't even know myself. Well, I did. I knew I had ruined things with Jake. I had broken his heart. I had heard it in that agonizing howl he had sent into the forest. I had lost all of the packs trust in me. I had also made the Cullens all think I wanted to choose them. None of this was what I wanted to happen. It was all over a moment of my total stupidity.
"We have to fix this. I don't know how but there must be some way. The guys are all pretty mad at you. Paul was too angry to phase back yet, so he has to bear Jake's pain. It's too soon to know where he even is now. But he's running Bella. He might not be back for days."
Emily was showing me some sympathy now. I was seriously in need of some. It was selfish but I really just needed someone to make me feel okay now. I couldn't go home to Charlie yet, anyway. He was still fishing with Billy for another few days. I don't know how the guys persuaded him to go away and leave me on the Rez with all of them. I knew that Charlie like Jake a lot though.
I couldn't even cry. I felt like I needed to but I couldn't. When I didn't want to, I was always crying but now, nothing. Emily checked my cheek again for any signs of infection. She said it seemed fine. She told me that Sam would be home soon. That he had only given her some time alone to speak to me, and that he had gone to get an update on Jake. I couldn't believe how much of a problem this had caused. None of the other wolves could phase when Jake was so sad and Paul so angry. The pack mind was something I could never understand.
Sam entered the house. He looked more like an alpha than ever. His face was drawn and his features pinched together with anger. There was an air of strictness about him. He stood at the door of the house staring me down. His eyes were full of hatred. I didn't want him to look at me like this. I knew i deserved it, but he hadn't even heard me out yet.
"Sam, I…"
"Bella. You are staying here until Charlie gets home. I don't want excuses. You are not to go looking for Jake, he will be back. I don't know when but he will. I ordered him to come back soon, when he's ready. Paul, however, is not to come back until he calms down, so he is staying away. So come on then, give me an update on what happened at the Cullens…"
He sighed as he sat down. I had expected much worse than his cold words. His voice had been like a general, just giving a report. Emily nodded encouragement at me, she had been so understanding when I hadn't even told her how I was feeling.
"Well, Carlisle brought me away first to check my cuts. He told me whatever I wanted was fine with him. He told me to do what I wanted and I decided then… But Alice already knew so I didn't get to explain that to them. Then Edward took me outside to talk alone. I hadn't even got to speak to any of them… To say goodbye. Edward was trying to make me forgive him. Then he… he started to… um, I don't know. I just can't think around him. I don't know why but I hugged him… And then…" My throat was so dry all of a sudden. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even tell Sam about this. How did he expect me to explain this to him? Emily had rushed to my side again and was gently rubbing my back, offering some comfort. At least she believed me.
"You've certainly made a terrible mess Bella. Jake didn't know you chose us… Only Paul did. But then all Jake saw was you kiss Edward. He thought the only thing possible. Look, the guys are coming around for dinner so… don't worry. I'll explain first."
I was so happy to have had the chance to explain. Even if I didn't do a very good job, Emily and Sam were very good at deciphering me. But being with the pack was going to be hard. I could see it now how they would all look at me and whisper about me.
It was late when the guys arrived for the dinner. Sam had waited outside for them so that he could explain about me to them. They had all thought that I had chosen the Cullens. Paul hadn't been thinking straight so none of them could understand him. Leah arrived after everybody, but left after a brief moment inside. She was different to the last time I had seen her. She was slightly taller and much more muscular, but it suited her. She had an angry face and I guessed it was with the recent phase. Before she left she threw me a look that could kill. I had to keep up a mantra in my head of 'I deserve it'.
Embry and Quil sat with me at the table. They seemed okay with me, a little tense but nothing more. Seth was his usual self; none of this seemed to phase the quirky teen. He ate all around him joyfully, always happy to be a part of the pack. Colin and Brady were stiff and didn't say much to anybody but Sam. Jared was sitting at Sam's side and had the same attitude as him. I understood he would be angry as Paul couldn't return here until he calmed down, and Paul was his best friend. Emily kept up a string of conversation throughout the meal. She was like a mother-hen with all of these boys.
Embry whispered to me that I could stay with him and Quil. I nodded in agreement because I didn't want to impose on Emily and Sam much longer. One night was enough. So after the tense dinner, and the dessert, Sam gave us the go ahead to leave. I hadn't hung around with Quil and Embry together in such a long time. But under these circumstances it wasn't too great, not least as much as I would have wanted. They were both staying in Paul's house. Paul was not around so they figured it would be okay for me to stay too.
I hadn't ever seen Paul's place before. I knew he lived alone, but I hadn't expected it to be so small. And bleak. It was a small dark house, almost like a bedsit. He had a kitchen come living room and a bedroom with a small toilet off of it. I wondered what had happened to his parent's house. I didn't want to be rude and ask. I decided I'd wait until I could ask Paul. If he didn't kill me in the meantime. We all sat in the now crowded living room on the shabby carpet floor.
"We have to make a plan, Bella, for when Jake gets back. You have to seriously grovel to be in with a chance of him speaking to you. You know Jake…" Quil started. He wasn't wrong. I had to do something incredible for Jacob to even consider me now. Jacob wasn't one to let go of things too easily. All I wanted was for this to be a bad dream and that I would wake up soon in his warm arms.
"Yeah, Bella, we get it – you don't want Cullen. But you have some serious explaining to do. We were so mad… everyone was."
Embry wasn't going to change the subject either it seemed.
I didn't want to explain this now.
"So, does Paul know you two are staying here?"
It didn't work, they raised their eyebrows at me in unison. I knew I would have to explain. I curled my knees up in under my chin before I started.
"Look, I don't know what happened. I was caught off guard. I could never think straight around him and he… he made me feel sorry for him. I don't know if that was what he was trying to do but that's what it did. And… I don't know… um… it just happened. I didn't want it to… I do love Jake. More than anything. I owe him my happiness and my sanity. I just have a knack for drawing bad luck onto myself…" My voice had started strong but ended up in a mumble barely audible for human ears. I knew it hadn't been a problem for my two wolves. They relaxed a bit after I had spoken. I could tell they believed me more now that it had come from my lips. I didn't feel better after explaining myself though. I just felt like I was missing something. Like I had forgotten something. There was a hole in my chest again. A burning searing hole.
Embry and Quil watched me for a few minutes.
"You look just like you did when that leech left you the first time." Quil was never known for his niceties. I shrugged it off. I made a non-committal jerk of my head. I didn't want to talk about that. I knew what that felt like, I knew it was starting now. But this was different. Jake hadn't left me. I had forced him to.
The guys pulled the blanket from the couch and placed it over my curled up form on the floor. They lay down where they were and continued talking about things that didn't matter. They gossiped about Leah – she was still bitter over Sam apparently. They ranted about some old guy down in the general store. Then they asked me question after question. They asked me about my job, about Charlie, about food. They kept on talking until I was sure it was almost morning. But it wasn't. It was still pitch dark outside.
"Sorry, Bella. We're really used to staying up all night patrolling so it's weird for us to not have to…" Quil whispered into the sudden quietness in the room. I grunted at him. I really needed to sleep. I didn't feel tired but I wanted sleep to take me. My mind was wearing itself out today. I couldn't wait for it to end. Dreams, no matter whether they be nightmares or not, would be a welcome distraction right now.
After another hour or so of the guys talking, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had to walk through Paul's bedroom to get there. His room was small. There was single bed lined up against a square window and a large chest of drawers opposite it. The walls were a dark navy colour and the ceiling was lined with cobwebs. It looked like Paul hadn't slept here in months, even though the bed covers were messed up. There was clothes strewn around the floor and bulging from the drawers. Over the bed hung a single chain on a nail. It was singing out to me to come closer and look at it. It was a gold chain, with a locket on the end of it. I couldn't get it to open so I didn't bother. I was so curious but I was afraid to break the dainty object.
I took my time cleaning myself up in the bathroom. The guy's voices had even worn down so they must be falling asleep. I ran the hot water and splashed it over my face. I stood there staring at myself for a long time.
When I left the bathroom I turned out the light and made to walk through Paul's room again. But the door was locked. I didn't realise I had locked the door. Had there even been a key in the door?
"Hey." A sombre sounding voice sounded from the bed. I hadn't even looked on my way through the room. There was Paul. He was back.
He stood up and walked towards me. His body looming up towards me, intimidating me. He placed his strong hands either side of my head on the door. He was shaking slightly – but then, Paul always was lately.
I stared right back at him. There was nothing he could say now to hurt me.
"Shush, let the boys sleep… They don't know I'm home yet, Bella. Did you make up your mind yet? Or have the Cullens left you already?"
I shook my head to him. There was a strange blackness in his eyes. A glint in the distance that I couldn't place. Paul wasn't himself. He couldn't have been.
"We need to talk, Bella, don't we? Do you know how hard it was for me to come back here… And I had just calmed down. Then, here you are again. And poor Jacob is heartbroken running away."
I stuttered wildly. I didn't know what to say that wouldn't make him angry. I didn't know how to explain myself to him. Paul took everything as a blow to himself – this would mean so much more to him than the other guys.
There was nothing I could say to make him okay with me again. He was radiating dislike for me. I just wanted my friend again, not this cold indifferent Paul. I had nothing to talk with him about.
"Sleep. We need sleep. Come on…"
There was definitely no way I was leaving this room tonight. Paul straightened out his bed and laid a pillow on the floor. Where had this attitude makeover come from? I was still locked in here… But Paul was sleeping on the floor so I could sleep in his bed. What was going on?
"We'll talk tomorrow Bella. You don't know how tiring Jake's thoughts are right now…"
He yawned and fell silent. That had been a strange meeting. It had started and I was waiting for him to either kill me or yell at me. And now he wanted me to sleep here near him… Paul was a confusing boy.
I was a prisoner again.
Stuck here until the wolf awoke beside me.
So I let the dreams take me away too. Away to where my mind didn't have to think for itself anymore. I took the back seat and let the tiredness set in.