Chapter 20 – The Time

Two Months Later

"Hey Bells! Hurry on. We're outside your house!" Jessica's high pitched voice wore into my ear over the phone. I had spent hours preparing for this reunion with the girls. The three of us – Jess, Angela and I – were all going shopping; much to my indignation. I hadn't left the house in weeks. This outing was more to soothe Charlie than myself. I knew that festering in my sadness and grief didn't work, I had learned that the hard way. This was third time lucky and I was going to make it work to my advantage. I knew how to close over the searing holes burned into my chest. I knew how to falter the tears when anything reminded me of him.

Jacob left my life for the second time this year. Even though it had felt like him and me were meant to be together – it mustn't be true. It couldn't be true. If it was none of this would have happened. I hadn't seen him since he ran that day, but I hadn't even seen him then. I just heard his anguish as he tore through the forests.

I never even found out if he got back. I tried my best to find out from Billy when he was with Charlie but to no avail. This was my fault so I deserved Billy's nonchalance about the whole thing. I hadn't expected it, Billy had always been so nice to me. The pack wouldn't talk to me anymore either. They had all been fine with me back then too – after my stupid mistake – but now they ignored when I called. Emily was even busy every time I turned up at her door.

I hopped into Angela's car dragging my purse along behind me. I was not excited to be shopping. Both girls were chattering on incessantly the whole time. We were due back in school in two days, so Jessica needed a whole new wardrobe. We were on our way to Port Angeles to a boutique that apparently had the "cutest shirts". Ugh.

"So Bella, how have you been? Like, where have you been all summer? La Push I bet!" Jess stopped to question me. I was shocked into silence. I forgot that these two didn't know about La Push, about the pack or about any of my other supernatural misadventures.

"Um, I've been okay. Well, I was working mostly, and just helping out Charlie. I figure this being our final year, I'll be gone a lot, right?" I tried to deter her concentration. I knew Jess was a sucker for anything to do with graduation. I guessed she could actually keep talking until graduation without changing the subject once.

"I can't wait. I've already been researching colleges. This year is going to fly past us. I hope anyway." Angela chirped from the driver seat as she pulled into the parking lot.

I hoped the year would fly past me. I didn't think I was able to integrate back into the high school thing. Most of the last year in school had been spent avoiding any social interaction what so ever. I didn't want to line myself up for any more heart ache than I already had.

The day flew past in a haze of sundresses and high-heeled shoes. I was strung out by five o clock when Angela dropped me off at home. I had the house to myself so I threw myself onto the couch. Sitting there staring into space wasn't helping. I had to keep myself busy. Whenever I let myself go blank my thoughts always came back to Jacob Black.

I could almost smell him. He was still so engraved into my heart. His pine-needle and earthy scent. How I wished I could just breathe it in once more. He was all I needed; all I ever wanted to have. But I was destined not to have any good luck at all. I had to do things without thinking and ruin everything. It had been so perfect with Jake. Yes, we had had a lot to worry about but that didn't matter. Jake and I had been so together. It was as if we were made for each other. I could almost see his deep brown pools of eyes looking at me every time I closed my eyes.

I had to stop thinking about it. I took up my shopping bags. I may not have enjoyed shopping but I had to spend my wages on some new clothes for the fall semester in school. I ran up the stairs and started to tidy my bedroom. Before I put my new clothes away, I had a peek at some of them. These days, my concentration was at its lowest ebb. It was all I could do to not think about him – or about any of them. I had bought all normal clothes – two sweaters, a few pairs of jeans and new converse. At least the girls had my back, I thought.

As usual, before I started making the dinner for Charlie, I picked up the telephone. I called Emily's place.

"Hello?" Emily sounded cheerful, as if she was in the middle of hearing a good joke.

"Hey. Um, it's Bella."

"Oh, hi Bella. This is not a good time. Got to go." Her voice deflated in an instant.

"No… Emily, wait! Please?" I begged. It was all I could do. I had called every day since I left Paul's. It was as if they had decided after telling me they would help me sort it out, that they didn't want me anymore.

"Bella! Look, stop calling. How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call over to see me, I'm busy. I'm always going to be busy!" I had never heard Emily be so frank. Not even when she had been yelling at me for ruining my relationship.

I simply sighed and mumbled 'OK' into the receiver before hanging up. I had to admit now that they really didn't want me. Still sighing, I opened the refrigerator and took out the ingredients for my meal. Cooking was a mindless task, but it was time consuming. This was what I needed. If I occupied all my time I wouldn't hop into my truck and be gone. I knew exactly where I would be if I had the chance too.

Charlie came home on time as usual and we ate in silence. After dinner he helped me to do the dishes. I didn't need his help but he always insisted. I think he just wanted to spend some more time with me. We made some small talk before I exited up to my room. Tonight being a Friday night, Billy was coming over to watch the game. I lay on my bed and waited. All I wanted to do was ask him about Jacob. I had to find out something eventually. I heard Harry Clearwater's vehicle pull up outside, dropping Billy off, but Charlie was in the shower. I ran down to get the door before Charlie heard.

"Hey, Billy! How are you? How's J…" Billy cut me off with his hand. He closed his eyes as he inhaled big. I wondered if he would ever open them again.

"Bella. You know I am not going to answer you. All I will say is time is a healer. Just be patient. Good things will come." Why did he have to be so cryptic? It was just so confusing. What did he mean?

With that – on cue – Charlie entered the room. I was shushed out as they settled in with their beer and chips for the night. I went out to the front porch. It was a misty night. I knew they wouldn't notice if I left now. So I tentatively got into my truck. I started the old rusty engine up. I knew my destination before I even begun. It had been a long time since I was down this road. I had stopped coming for the fear I would be reminded. I had so many good times here, so many memories.

First beach looked eerily empty in the dark night. I remembered bonfires here, and walking with Jake. And Quil and Embry. As I got out of the truck I started a slight jog down to the far end of the beach. There was an old driftwood log here somewhere. I saw it and sat down. The salty air soothed my searing chest. The scars of my old love leaving me breathless as I was washed over with my favourite memories. I was reminded that I had it all with Jake. I had everything and I threw it away. I threw it away on a less hopeful love.

I let the tears flow freely down my cheeks. Nobody could see me here. I didn't have the courage to let go before. But now I could. As I cried all these tears I was letting Jake go. He was seeping out through my sore eyes with every breath. I was whimpering and gasping I was crying so hard. I hadn't cried like this since the last time I had been around the guys.

The wind became faster and harder. It swirled around me and raised my hair above my head. I was shivering from head to toe, but I didn't care. I deserved this. I should stay here all night and freeze. The rain had gotten heavier too. I decided Charlie would be worried. I had to have been sitting there for ages now. I fought my steps back towards the truck up near the road. The wind wanted me to stay on the beach it seemed. My breath still came in gasps as the wind filled my lungs each time I inhaled. I was getting worried it felt like I was walking backwards not forwards.

After a long struggle I made it back up onto more solid ground. I yanked on the door of the truck but it wouldn't budge against the harsh winds. I pulled and pulled until it finally opened and hit me square on the forehead.

And then the lights went out.

"Is she waking up? Oh, I hope she's okay."

"Just get her out once she comes around. We can't risk him seeing her like this."

"Or her seeing him like that…"

"Yeah, well, she should have thought. What was she doing down there? Charlie was worried sick. She only thinks about herself doesn't she?"

"Hey now! That's not fair. I told her it could all have been worked out, and then I deserted her. I owe this girl. She was desperate to see us all though."

"I'll leave that to your judgement then. Just make sure she calls Charlie when she comes around. I have to go and keep the guys in the woods. At least it was me who found her… See you later."

I could feel myself spinning around. My head throbbed as I tried to determine were those the voices I thought they were. I couldn't be here. What had happened to me?

"Bella? Bella, wake up. We have to get you sorted out." Emily. Her soft voice was like music to my ears. It wasn't the voice she used on the phone every day to me, it was her old voice. I flickered open my eyes. The lights were bright here and sent daggers through my skull.

"Emily? What happened?" I stuttered out. My voice was as shaky as I felt. I raised a hand to my eyes and tried to open them again. Not too bad this time, at least. I looked around. I was perched lopsidedly on the couch in Emily's cosy living room. I almost cried again when I saw that I was here. The whole atmosphere of her place had an effect on me. It had been such a long time since I had been here.

"You hit your head trying to get into your car. Sam saw. You were lucky. You could have frozen to death out there." Emily was quiet again now. I stood up. Leaving was my only other option right now. I knew Emily didn't want me here, even though I was burning to stay and talk to her. "Bella…"

"I know, Emily. Busy, right? I'm leaving now." I was a little agitated, but defeated mostly. I didn't need to be. Sam and Emily were doing a nice thing for me. I didn't need that though. Sam could have just left me there. I just wanted to see all of my old friends and not feel guilty for it.

"Stay here Bella. Come on. We have to talk…" And with that Emily led me into the kitchen.

She sat me down and started fussing around the kitchen. I had a feeling she was unwilling to tell me something. Something had happened and it was bad. My thoughts started to whirr. Was it Jake? I wondered if he had imprinted when he left. I hadn't thought much about imprinting. But now that I did I knew I definitely did not want him to imprint on anybody. It made me feel sick to think about watching Jake with another girl.

"I missed you Bella. I know it doesn't seem that way… but I do, I miss you. You look terrible. I want so much to forget that all of this happened but we can't. I thought we could fix it… maybe we still can. I'm not sure that's what he wants anymore. I think that time can only tell. I know deep down that you and I are meant to be friends so there must be a solution to all of this!" Emily raised her hands as if hoping a solution would fall from the low ceiling in her kitchen.

I didn't know what to think about what she was saying to me.

"Emily, why didn't you want to speak to me? After everything, and then all of a sudden nobody wants me. I thought I could rely on you to help me fix this. If I had been here… I could have explained." I struggled to find the right words for what I wanted to say. I didn't want to only ask her about Jacob. I needed to know if he was back yet. I'm sure he was. If he was I wanted to demand to see him. I didn't deserve that but just a look couldn't hurt.

"Oh Bella…" Emily plopped herself down next to me at the large table. "I thought it was all okay. I thought all the guys were on your side. Well, some of them were. Jacob arrived home the night you stayed with Quil and Embry. Sam ordered him to come home, remember? Well, he was in a bad state, Bella. When the guys saw him, they forgot all about what Sam told them. They all instantly slighted your name to Jake. Paul came home the next day, and he was really quiet about the whole thing. Jacob hasn't spoken about you at all. But Sam says that everyone hated phasing with Jake now because he's too sad. It rubs off, you know, werewolf telepathy."

Now my brain was really chugging. Cogs were spinning and steaming around in my head, trying to figure this out. So the guys had dissed me as soon as they saw how upset Jake was. Wait…

"Why didn't Sam just tell him the truth? We told him."

Emily's eyes deceived her before she even told me this one. That was enough for me. I couldn't handle this. So they had all been on my side until Jacob came home. I knew he must have been pretty torn up, but they could have fixed it. They could have told him what happened. They could have told him I made a mistake. A stupid lack of judgement. A lapse in sanity. Why did nobody believe me?

I stood up once more. I didn't need to be here to listen to Emily tell me how much of a hopeless case it was. I just wanted to be alone. Alone. That was what I deserved.

So here I was again. Sinking away into quicksand. Nothing to hold onto but the cracks that reopened with tremendous force in my chest. Just like last time, all I had left were my memories. I had to let go. I had to let myself sink once more into this abyss before I could be okay again.

He didn't want me. No, he didn't. I had hurt him in ways unimaginable.

It was true that first love stays with you. Yes, he stayed around to ruin my life twice. I was not to be happy once he was around. When he left first, the pain almost broke me. Now, he caused this.

This pain was like an earthquake, shaking me from the inside out. I could not make myself numb to this pain. There was no finding him this time. I had lost him. I knew exactly where he was but he was not to be mine. I had to leave him alone. There was no dreams, no nightmares, just this darkness. My sun was gone.

He had fixed me, and now I had broken myself. I had destroyed all of his work for a wasted kiss.

I should be destroyed. I had nothing…

No.

I had only one glimmer of hope left. Billy had given it to me.

Time.