Chapter 21 – Please

Here I was again, in this mess. I hated feeling so empty. I was sick of feeling such grief. Everything I did had such huge consequences. If I could just have explained it to Jacob. If he knew that I had chosen him…

But he doesn't. He doesn't know I chose him because my friends wouldn't help me out when I needed it. Even now, it didn't look like Emily was going to tell him the truth. All I wanted was to see my Jake, my sun. He had been such a huge light to my path and now there was nothing. Nothing to look forward to, only graduation, and leaving this town if I could at all. I knew I could leave and it scared me. I didn't really want to be away from him. The closer I was, the safer I felt. I had to talk to him.

That wasn't the problem. I knew where he would be if I went looking. I knew he wouldn't resist stopping to see me. I knew exactly what he looked like in his other form. But it was him staying afterwards that I was worried about. If he didn't want me anymore…I don't know what I would do. Staying in my empty state now – this was comfort. This was comfort compared to the pain I would feel if he told me to my face that he didn't want me anymore. This time business was going to be hard…

Weeks have passed since that night I visited Emily's – well, was taken to her because I am ultimately clumsy. Sitting at the cafeteria table, absorbed in what Lauren is telling us all about her date the other night, I am still empty. I don't talk much anymore. I think if I open my mouth, nothing will come out. I feel like an empty box. I could be filled with such things that make people smile, make people happy; but I'm not, I'm full of air and that only disappoints.

"Bella? Bella? Come on, wake up! We're going to class!" Angela whispered into my ear. It was easy to stick close to Angela. She knew when I didn't want to answer questions, so she didn't ask any. Jessica would be questioning me non-stop if she knew I was suffering any sort of heart ache. I nodded to Angela to show I was still with her and left the cafeteria. I had no tray to clean off because I hadn't eaten. It didn't make me feel any better.

The day flew by in its usual way. It felt as if Christmas would be here soon and I hadn't done anything. The cold breeze was already pouring in through the huge doorway of the school as I made my way to my truck. I was going home to nothing. To homework, I laughed at myself in my head. My evening and weekends now consisted of homework.

I had left working in the coffee shop with Anne. It was hard to leave but I had to. This was my final year, and Charlie didn't want me working. It would have taken time away from my study. I think Anne would have fired me anyway, for I was still breaking things left right and centre, and my attitude wasn't the greatest.

I remember that day I drove over. She had been reading in her usual spot near to the counter, in a comfy chintz armchair. I remember her soft caring, motherly face looking up into mine as I told her my bad news. Her doe eyes had filled with sorrow at my words. I knew she would be lonely without me. I knew she didn't want me to go. I explained to her about it being my final year, but it didn't stop her looking so sad. I needed her to smile and say it was okay. She had to understand that I had to go. I had to. I didn't really want to – I loved Anne. She had given me such a warm welcome from the start. As I left, she made me promise to come see her every now and again. I knew at least she was one friend I made this summer.

And I missed her now.

"Hey, Bells." Charlie was home.

Being at home with Charlie all the time had its advantages. Talking to Charlie was easy. He never pushed me to talk about feelings anymore. I think he just understood me this time around. As much as I had wanted to make this work, it wasn't. I was coping a lot better than before. I promised myself I would just spend more time with the girls and guys from school. I couldn't face it. I had pushed my empty shell back into seclusion. I didn't want to, but it felt as though nothing could soothe me anyway.

I hadn't tried to call Emily's in a while. I hadn't bothered to ask Billy any more questions. Every night when I fell asleep I could still smell the forest as close as ever. And even though I smelled it so close, the warmth never came. I was always too cold. I guess my time with the pack was too good to be true after all.

"Bella, wake up! You're burning that again!" Charlie's voice broke through my reverie. I realised the steaks I was frying were blackening again. This was not destined to be a nice dinner. "Okay, that's it, honey. We are going over to Billy's house. We are going to sort this out for once and for all."

Uh-oh. I panicked and froze. Charlie was being so dense. I couldn't go over there. There was nothing I could say that would change his mind either. I hoped upon hope that Jacob wouldn't be home. I wouldn't even mind listening to Billy's cryptic thoughts for an evening. Maybe I would be lucky.

The car ride over to the Reservation seemed to take an age. I hadn't driven by this way in so long. I kept my eye on the forest, hoping to catch a glimpse of russet among the green. If I just could convince myself that he wouldn't be home. Then I wouldn't have to worry about this visit.

Charlie pulled his cruiser into the driveway at the little red house that I missed so dearly. We got out and walked up to the door. Charlie looked at me, his eyes saying a million things at once. I just kept my eyes averted and to the floor. The beams on the porch were old and creaky. They were mottled with age and lines ran clearly up and down each plank. Billy answered the door.

"Hello, you two. Long-time no see, old friend. Come in, come in. We're just watching the old box…" Who's we? I was panicking now. I hoped that the other was Harry, not Jacob. As much as I wanted to see him, I didn't want to see his reaction to me. "Get up, you, and make room."

Must have been Jake.

I heard his grunt. He must be sleeping. My heart ached just hearing him make that animalistic sound.

We rounded the corner into the small living area and I kept my eyes to the floor. Charlie was greeting him while I couldn't look up. I had to. I forced myself to.

Oh, how I had missed him. My eyes feasted on every inch of him sitting on the couch. His hair was cut short again, revealing his massive shoulders and arms. He was crouched into a sitting position on the small seat, but he still took up nearly half the couch. Was it possible that he was even huger than the last time I saw him? He must be closer to seven foot tall now. I looked at his face. He was scowling. Being this close to him felt like heaven. I ached to run and put my arms around him. His deep eyes surveyed me with as much hunger as mine on him. He must have missed me too. But his lips were still fixed into a grimace. He was angry.

"Go on, you two. Get outside and leave two old men to gossip." Billy chuckled. I opened my mouth to reciprocate but I was silenced as Jacob stood up and stormed out of the house. "Well, go on. Don't just stand there. I'm sure you have a lot to say."

I took Billy's advice this time. I left the house after Jake. He was nowhere to be seen. The light in the makeshift garage was on. I walked through the cold night air to get to him.

"Jake…" I started. I couldn't get any more out of me. He was crouched on the ground in the garage. He looked like he was in serious pain. His arms and hands were convulsing and his head was slowly moving back and forth. He looked at me and the convulsions became more violent.

"Calm down, Jake. Please. Please let me talk to you." Slowly his shuddering limbs came to a stop. He looked up at me and met my eyes for the first time. I got lost in his gaze. But there was something wrong. There were tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. Automatically I ran over to wipe them away.

"I missed you, Bella." He said with a deep breath. As I ran my hands over his cheeks and down his neck, I felt at home for the first time in months. Here he was, in my arms. "But why are you here?"

That stopped my blissful thinking. I knew that this wouldn't be easy, and I wasn't prepared for it either. My heart was still throbbing since my first glance at him. He looked so like the old Jake, I don't know what I had been expecting. Now though, now I had to answer him. I had to tell him everything.

"Because I miss you too. Please, Jake. Don't be so mad. I needed to see you. I'm so alone now. Nobody wants to talk to me anymore. I don't understand. I just made a mistake. One little mistake. Surely you can forgive that?"

"I love you, Bells. But don't give me that one mistake thing. You chose the bloodsucker. He's all you've ever wanted. How can I compete with that? All the guys say it too, that you're always gonna go back to him. So why should I even bother, Bella? Huh?" He was so angry again. It seemed like the little garage shook with him.

"I love you, Jake. I've always loved you. I just had a little slip up. Please believe me. The guys know this. They just don't want you to be hurting. You have to understand. I want you Jake, you're all I want. I know it'll take some time but can't you just please forgive me? You were my best friend."

As I spoke the tears began. I hadn't cried for Jake since before Emily's house. It was a long time coming. I needed him to understand me though. It felt like I would burst with the pain if he didn't just kiss me now…

His warm arms suddenly stretched around me and pulled me close. I felt him inhale and exhale along with me. His breaths were short and fast, as if trying not to breath in the air around me. I didn't care though. Here he was, his warmth enveloping me. I hadn't felt like this in so long. The happiness was bursting through me. I knew Jake didn't want me so close just yet, though, so I made the ultimate sacrifice and stepped away.

Instantly, the cold air felt like knives all over my skin. I had forgotten what his touch felt like. He sighed and looked around him. It felt a bit awkward now.

"Why am I a sucker for you, Bella?" I chose not to answer him. Just the sound of his voice was soothing the fire in my chest. I could feel each and every piece of my broken heart coming back together hopefully. I hadn't expected him to be so forgiving straight away.

"Oh, Jacob Black. I've missed you so much. All I've done is think about you. All I can think about is you, I'm not able to concentrate. Please, can we be friends again?" I didn't want to ask him for more yet, I knew he understood that I loved him. And I did. I loved him more than I could say at this time. I knew I was destined to be with him.

I could see the thoughts behind his eyes. His face gave everything away. It flashed from angry, to sad and back to angry again. He paced in front of me endlessly. I guessed it was so he wouldn't phase and kill me right here. I knew he never lost his control, which was a good thought to always have in the presence of an angry werewolf. Finally, with a defeated sigh, he nodded to me.

I ran into his arms again.

"You know Bella, you can beg all you want, but… if you want to be best friends with me again, and you have to get rid of him…"

I looked up at him quizzically. Did he think I was still with Edward?

"But I'm not with anyone, Jacob. I've been so lonely without you."

"Don't lie, Bella. You reek of vampire."

Wait.

"What?"