Chapter 23 - Trees
"What? What do you mean?" I shouted out. He couldn't be for real, could he?
If I smelled like vampire, I would have to near vampires every day. I knew that couldn't be true as I hadn't seen the Cullens in two months. And at this moment I wished I had...
I stared into Jakes eyes as his expression became more and more furious. His arms were shaking yet again but this time my arms wouldn't still his need to phase. His eyes were simply black depths now, burning my gaze but I couldn't look away. I ached to hear his explanation, was there any chance he could be kidding? At this moment all I knew was how much I just wanted to hold him and calm him down.
My Jake, my sun. He was barely recognisable as this shaking mass of fury in front of me.
"Bella, just don't play dumb with me anymore, I can't take it. You would go running off with him as soon as you'd get the choice. Why are you here? To throw it in my face? What more do you want from me?" He collapsed in on himself. His shudders gave way to tremors, coming from deep within his chest. I was too shocked to utter a word.
"Where are they? I'LL KILL HIM!" his roar frightened me. I couldn't understand what he was talking about. He thought the Cullens were still here. How could he think that? Every moment I anticipated him just bursting into the old Jake again, telling me I was a sucker and poking fun at me. Please Jake.
Please be lying.
I was afraid, afraid of Jake and what he would do to me when he was this angry. It wouldn't be his fault but his edges were blurring now, as if he couldn't keep his wolf at bay. I used to be able to soothe him; to keep him calm, but not now. Not anymore. This Jake was delusional in his anger; he was trying to find more ways in which I would hurt him. He didn't know that I had chosen him. My sun.
"J-Jake please, calm down. I haven't been near a vampire since you left. I've been alone. Please why are you so mad?" I begged him; reaching out my hand I tried to soothe him.
"If you haven't been near any leeches how the hell can you reek so badly? Huh? It's as if you have been wrapped up in one all day... T-tell me you're not with him bells please." His shoulders fell against his large frame, his arms were just barely shaking as him chest heaved with silent sobs.
"But I haven't Jake. I chose you. I don't understand. I haven't had any interaction with monsters in a long time. I promise you."
And my sun calmed from his haze of fury, his warmth expanded around me. Strong arms held me in place so I couldn't move. His sobs getting heavier and deeper. It was strange to Jake so broken. Had I done this to him? I was the only monster here. All I wanted now was for the sun to come out from behind the clouds and shower me with his rays.
"I love you, Jacob. It's always been you. Even when I couldn't see it."
He looked at me then. His darks eyes were pools of sadness, of misery. I was overcome with emotion myself, but I wouldn't shed a tear. I had cried to much just thinking about this reunion and now it was here I just wanted him to hold me. I wanted to still the tears mow flowing freely down the planes of his cheeks.
"Okay. Okay, I believe you. But if you haven't been near any vampire, how do smell so like death?"
I shrugged at him, I didn't care at this moment, and I just wanted his arms to stay in place, keeping me warm.
"Sam's house. Come on."
Jacob picked me up at the waist and threw me in a fireman's lift over his shoulder. And he ran. He shouted in to our dads to tell them we'd be back later. He ran so fast but all I could see were the creases forming in his black T-shirt. My hair flipped around my face but I was shielded from the cold night air as his huge warm hands held onto me.
"Jake? BELLA? What's going on guys?"
Quil's yell followed us straight into the house as Jake put me down in the middle of the pack, they were all here and I was mortified. They all stared at me, I was afraid to speak. Jacob said nothing either.
"Ugh, so we were right, you did go back to him. You stink, but what do you think you're doing here?"
"God, Bella. Thought you were smarter than that..."
Paul and Jared rounded in on me. The two second eldest of the pack, but I only looked for Sam's eyes, silently begging him to see the truth.
"N-N-No... No I haven't. I h-" My voice was so shaky. I could hardly concentrate, not with all of these huge angry werewolves around me.
"Shut up, guys. Concentrate a bit, would you? Is the scent familiar?"
Seth's voice of reason piped up. Oh, I loved that kid. But I wasn't so sure the pack would listen to him, as he never displayed the natural kill instinct with the Cullen's. Although he not really known them at all yet.
"Ok, Calm down." Sam's cool voice needled out all the rest. Everyone was silent as they waited for him to speak. "Seth is right guys. This is no familiar scent."
I gasped. So this wasn't some cruel joke, wasn't even Alice or Jasper trying to visit me. It was real and frightening and shoved under my nose without warning. What could I do now? Surrounded by werewolves – the mortal enemy of something I now smelled like – apparently, I might add. If this was true… it meant… I didn't even want to think about what it meant. There was so much it could mean. But a non-familiar scent. This was too much, even for me with my experience in all things supernatural.
"But let's not be hasty. Why are you in La Push anyway, Bella? I thought all of this was forgotten. What made you come tonight?" Sam's voice, though calm and concentrated, was like a window pane. He didn't trust me. I couldn't understand these guys. After all that had happened, after all that they said they believed of me. They had told me this sort of thing wouldn't happen. That they would back me up. It was all their faults that this was happening and I was so frustrated as to why they couldn't just see that. How dare he stand there and demand what I'm doing in La Push. The Rez used to be my home away from home; and it was all their faults for letting it become so, and then letting it fade away. I thought they understood I had chosen Jake. But now it was easy to see they had always been uneasy about me.
I refused to answer him. Alpha, he may be, but not my Alpha. He couldn't make me answer him any more than I could demand answers from him for all the pack had caused me. I simply shrugged, and left the house.
Nobody came after me. But I didn't care. They could pretend that this was some threat them, that I was some threat to them all they wanted. If they didn't trust me, I couldn't stay there. I walked slowly but surely back to the Black's home. The lights were still on when I arrived; at least Charlie hadn't left without me.
I stopped on the porch and watched the surrounding trees swaying with the cold breeze. Those trees were enviable in a way. All they had to do was stand tall, and the wind would care for them. The wind made their shapes and their dances. All of their decisions were made for them. They didn't have to decide between one love and another, or between stone and cold or gentle and warm. They didn't have to move around, or try to make new friends in life. They just stood and blew around with the wind, raising their limbs together as if in rejoice. Always happy, always facing the sun. Always reaching out for more.
But I was not a tree. Nor could I be. So I had to snap out of this. I felt worse now than when I had come over here with Charlie. What had possessed me to do so? What was I thinking? Coming over here as if everything could be fixed with one look. One look was all it would take, but that wish went out the window a long time ago. That one look would have changed my life. And for the better.
I didn't want to worry about a lone vampire following me. I already knew I was Edward's singer; I couldn't be another's also. I didn't care about it. My life wasn't up to much and if this vampire was going to kill me, it would have done so. To be honest with myself, I don't think I would have minded all too much. Not at this point anyway.
And so with that thought, I entered the small red toned house. It smelled strongly of Jake in here. That forest-like, earthy natural scent that made my nerve endings tingle all over. The only comfort I had was that I had gotten to experience it, if only for a short time. Billy and Charlie were in the living room, still watching the game – or another game?
They both looked at me strangely as I sat down on the edge of the couch. I ignored them and pretended I was concentrating on the TV. They continued to stare at me for a few minutes, and I almost crumpled in on myself, as I used to do. Charlie's eyes strayed away and I looked up to meet Billy's. His wise eyes were full of knowledge and I wished I could have that. I wished I could know exactly what was going on without having to ask any questions. Billy smiled gently at me; a slight pinch of sadness ran through his face, before he looked away again.
I sat silently, immersed in my own thoughts, until another game finished up. Charlie decided it was time to go home then and we said our goodbyes. Jake had not come back. I didn't think he could even have looked at me at this point; his opinions were so influenced by the pack and now the 'smell'.
Charlie and I arrived home not long after. The house was empty, dark and quiet, just as I felt. Charlie called me into the kitchen just after I was about to ascend the stairs to my room. So I followed him into the kitchen. He was sitting at the table, with a letter in his hands.
"I can't do this anymore, Bella. You're going to your Mom's house for a while, in Jacksonville. I know it's sudden, but it's not forever. I think you might just need some time away from here. With your Mom. She's been begging you to visit for so long." His voice was serious but he didn't look at me as he spoke. "I have been talking about doing this ever since the first time. I told Billy tonight that if you two didn't sort something out, this was it. And you came back looking like hell Bella."
"No, no. Char – Dad! No. I won't go. I simply won't." I stuttered out, I was shocked. This was huge. How could he send me away? I wasn't that bad.
"You're going. It's all been decided. You're going to graduate in Jacksonville High. Your Mom has some job offers for you too. I've already spoken to Mrs Newton about you taking some time off. It's all sorted Bella. You're going and that's final." His voice had that policeman chime to it now. How dare he get all chief on me!
So I wasn't wanted here. I really wasn't. But I wanted to be here, to be here close to my sun and close to the forest. It all felt so like home, more than ever. I needed to be here. On the other hand, maybe the pack needed me to be away for a while. And it was only a few months until graduation. I ran up the stairs, checking my email. Sure enough, there was one from Renee, a very excitable Renee it seemed. She had rambled on for about ten thousand words on 'yoga classes with hot tutors' and 'my pale skin needing some sun anyway'. Good Renee, it seemed I was still going to be the mother this time around. I was not looking forward to going away. But I knew Charlie was right.
I needed this. Not for my sake, but I had to give Charlie a break, and the pack, and Forks High. I was tormented though. Jake, how could I leave knowing we hadn't made up? Maybe time would heal this one…
As I packed the next day, Charlie came up to my room. He fingered the coverlet on my bed as he shuffled on the spot. His eyes were sorrowful; I knew he would miss me. And I was leaving so soon. I was due to start at the new school in a week, so I had only two days left here in Forks.
"I'm not pushing you away from me, Bella. I hope you know that. I do love you, kiddo." Charlie and I never had these conversations. They always ended in the both of us red faced and feeling awkward.
"I know, Dad. And I love you too. But you might be right. I do need to get my head together. And I can come right back after graduation."
"Yeah, you have to come back. How will I survive on pizza for that long? Or Billy's cooking to say the least!" That eased up the awkwardness. Thank god for Charlie's sarcasm.
And so the two days passed.
In a haze it seemed I said goodbye to all of my high school gang and Charlie. They all wished me the best, and promised to call every other day. Jessica gave me a compact mirror, for perfecting my 'beach hair' she said, although what beaches would I be going to, I wondered. Angela gave me a new book, one which I actually hadn't heard of before. It was a science fiction, and it didn't look too good, but the thought was there. Ben told me that he helped pick it out, so that explained it. I felt bad leaving these friends, who had been so good to me. They had always been here for me, for as long as I had been here at least. And I would miss them all.
I gave Billy a note for Jacob when he came over, it was short and to the point:
Jake,
I don't want to leave when things are not okay with us. I just wanted so badly for you to forgive me for everything. I didn't know what I was doing that day, and still don't, but that's no excuse. I did a terrible thing to you and I will never forgive myself.
But it's hard. It's hard to know that you don't understand fully that I chose you. I gave you my heart a long time ago, even though I couldn't see it right away. But now it's gone with you and I'm empty. I'm empty and all I want is you.
Hope everything is going well with you, my best friend…I hope you find happiness, only the best!
I'll be at my Mom's house in Jacksonville for a few months… I think.
Be safe,
My love always, Bella.
It was hard to write that note. I couldn't use the right words, and even the ones I chose in the end didn't add up to how I felt. I hoped he got it. I told Billy the address of Mom's and told him to make Jake write back to me. A long letter. A long one, even if it wasn't filled with what I wanted, although I didn't say that.
And now as I look out the window of the plane, I can't help but think I'm making a huge mistake. I feel like a part of me has been left behind in Forks, left in Charlie's house. But still, I close my eyes and try to sleep. But it's not sleep that consumes me, its pure agony.
It's tearing at my insides and ripping me to shreds. I can't hold it in any longer. But I have to. I have to appear the picture of strength. I have to seem cool, calm and collected. The trees come to mind again, as I am one now. I am letting everything else decide my fate. So let man cut me down or let fate send me on a dance of life, come what may, I had to appear strong. Renee didn't raise me to crumple and fall like this. She raised me to be responsible through her childish ways, without even knowing it. She raised to take care of myself, and know right from wrong. I could feel a little better knowing I would get some time with Mom.
As much as I didn't want to think about Jacob, I couldn't help but wonder how he felt now. Was he mad at me? Why didn't he follow the other night? Why didn't they care that a vampire had apparently all over my clothes? At least in Florida it would be easy to pick out a vampire in the sun. That much I was glad for.
I shiver as I manoeuvre around in my seat. The cold is unforgiving on this plane.
Or is it just that I've left all the warmth behind me?
How can I stand tall and be my tree, when I have no sun to keep my head up or to wave my arms in joy with? How can I dance when I have no more wind to push me?
A/N - Sorry about the wait. Hope you like it. Review (if you want!). Another one coming!