Christmas with the Cullens
Bella and the Cullens were gathered around the Christmas tree at the Cullen's house. It was Christmas Eve, and Carlisle was getting ready to tell a story.
"Twas the night before Christmas" he began, flashing a toothy grin at Esme. "And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even an undead mouse." At this Bella frowned in confusion, but decided not to interrupt. "The stockings were hung in the graveyard with care, in hopes that Vlad Dracula, soon would be there."
Bella could not take any more of this, and because she was fearless of vampires (which was very stupid) she shouted: "That's St. Nick, you stupid bloodsucker!"
The rest of the Cullens started snickering while Carlisle frowned. "Excuse me?"
"It's supposed to be: The stockings were hung by the CHIMNEY with care, in hopes that ST. NICHOLAS soon would be there." she stated.
"Oh, well you see Bella, we vampires tell a different story at Christmas time, about the founder of our race: Dracula." Carlisle explained.
"I thought that was just a myth?"
"Well, so is your Santa Claus. Now, may I continue?"
"Oh. Okay." After a few moments, she realized this explanation made no sense, but decided to forget about it.
"Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, we sprang out of our beds to see what was the matter. It was an old man, with skin pale as snow. He had a red blood nose, and an old black cape, that billowed when he sneered like Severus Snape. We dashed down the stairs, flung open the door, and Vlad came on in, with a voracious roar. We lined ourselves up, as was the tradition, and Vlad started nibbling at our necks-"
"WHAT THE HELL!" Bella screamed. "WHO WROTE THIS GODDAMN SCENE!"
And with that, she took a paperweight and threw it at a window, breaking the fourth wall.
"CUT!" screamed a voice beyond the window, as Bella crawled through the hole, leaving the speechless Cullens behind.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Stephenie asked.
Bella exploded into a rant: "I'm getting out of here, I'm sick and tired of you forcing me to play a shy, clumsy, vampire-obsessed damsel, when really," she clenched her fists in anger. "I'm a GUY." he said, his voice dropping five octaves lower.
"What? You're my creation. You can't do that."
"Just watch me."
Bella then walked out of the room, and never returned. With the loss of its main character, the Twilight franchise went bankrupt, and Stephenie Meyer had to return to her job as a receptionist.
THE END