A/N: Hi everyone! I'm sorta back. Okay, a bunch of stuff that I am going to say, so bear with me for a little. Okay, firstly, I would like to thank my beta Kelly, aka TwilighterMindBodyAndSoul. I'm SOOOO sorry I forgot to mention you in my last chapter. Forgive me? *puppy eyes* Secondly, a big THANK YOU to all who reviewed, I sure as hell appreciated it! Thirdly, to those who mentioned that Edward seemed a little weird and mysterious, yeah, you guys are right. But why is he like this? Well, that's what this chapter is about! Also, I would like to clear up that I mentioned Rosalie as Jasper's twin, but in reality, I wanted to write cousin, so sorry about that.

However, I do wish I would get a little more reviews sometimes. I mean, its nice to see that people from all over the world have actually taken their time to look at my story, a fact that makes me so flattered, since I don't think of myself as some crazy fantastic writer, but I do wish that the same people could just spare another minute or so giving me some reviews, suggestion or even constructive criticism so that I could improve.
Okay, enough of my rambling here. Once again, I do not own any characters. The great Stephenie Meyer does. I just play with them. Teehee.

Anyway, while I have done my research, I cannot guarantee that it is going to be 100% correct. I cannot be sure that depersonalization would as what I wrote, so don't hate me if I got it wrong. Besides, this is fiction, so, okay, let me just get to the story.

Once again, a bazillion thanks to Kelly. You're way awesome! Go check out her stories, really awesome.

Oh yes, and disclaimer: loads of swearing ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you guys.

Recap:

Bella and Jasper's banter was getting lost to me, as the world started to turn grey before my eyes. I tried to fight against the encompassing darkness. It has worked once, it will work again. I will not let it swallow me whole in front of two possibly new friends, or hell, even in public. But deep down, I knew fighting against it was futile. When it, when darkness wishes to descend upon you, encapsulate you, it will. Oh no. It's happening again. Was my last conscious thought in the present time before I slipped completely from the light and into another world of shadow and darkness…

EPOV
Depersonalization.

That is what they call this shit.

I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

I can feel myself trapped in the back of my mind, locked up and caged, watching myself being NOT myself. Watching my every action playing out like some sort of movie, yet having absolutely no control at all. This was some supernatural bullshit, some 'thing' was possessing my mind and body, but the worst thing was that it was me who was possessing myself.

Fucked up huh?

Or maybe dreaming would be a better description of this shit. You know how you dream at night, and watch yourself do whatever it is in your dream, be it a nightmare or some fucken awesome dream?

Well, try applying that in real life, in real time. Your presence is captured at the back of your mind, tied down, rendering you unable of doing anything, saying anything. You literally become a slave to your body, because you no longer control anything that your body says or does.

So it was into this hateful state that I found myself ensnarled in the devil's claws. Never mind that I might have met the most beautiful women in the world. Never mind that I could be scoring myself a new bud to hang out with instead of it being Emmett all the time. (A/N: Emmett? Isn't he Bella and Jasper's friend?) Why, oh why, is life so cruel to me? There must only be one reason. There is no god. No god would make me become this, become this vile monster that I am. No god would take away the love of my life and leave me broken on the inside. No god would make my mental state unravel the way it is now in front of strangers, in front of two possible new friends.

I, Edward Cullen, had no friends, period.

It wasn't as if I weren't attractive or something. Hell, I know how drop dead gorgeous I am. Women flung themselves on me all the time. When I studied law at Harvard, the girls there were asking for my number, or quietly slipping me their panties every single day. Unashamedly, I did respond to them. More then one, more then two, more then ten. It was a wonder that I didn't get some sort of fucked up STIs. Maybe I even got propositioned by my TA. Maybe.

But I still didn't really have many friends. Perhaps the guys were jealous of me, of how I enticed all the girls without meaning too. Maybe they were jealous they couldn't compete with me, both in looks and brains. Anyway, my brother was my only friend that stuck around long enough. Most of them, like Mike, Taylor, and Samuel, were more transitory then permanent. It was my brother who stuck by me when I first fell in love, when I had my first kiss, my first break up. He was the one who manage to coax me to talk when my voice first broke, and calm me down from the first time I had a massive acne outbreak. He was the one who stopped me from smashing our mother's favorite vase, he was the one who prevented me from smashing Eric Yorkie's face into a wall when I found him screwing with Tanya Denali when he and Alice was going out.

Not that Alice wasn't a good friend. But she was indeed annoying. And a girl.

The point in case is, I had never have much friends. However, after the… incident - I couldn't even say it , or think it without flinching - my life crashed down even harder on me. At that very instant, when they officially pulled the plug off Kate, that was the very instant I knew that my life was over. I distanced myself even further then I already had from society. I stopped calling my parents, Emmett and Alice, and slowly, they stopped calling too. I went to work, but other then that, I had no life.

I had became an empty shell.

An empty shell that does not deserve forgiveness.

An empty shell, for an empty mind, for an empty soul.

An empty shell for the sad motherfucker named Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

In hindsight though, I do recognize that I deserve it. I deserved this shit. I deserve every piece of this fucked up existence. If I had just listened to Kate, if only I had listened to Kate.
If only I had given her a chance to explain.

But I didn't. And what did I get out of it? Depersonalization. That's what I got. One of many symptoms actually. I didn't listen, and now, I am enjoying an out of body experience, literally.

While my consciousness rubbed at me, my sub-consciousness was already moving off track. Sure, I still saw Isabella and Jasper in front of me, still heard them, but like I said, it was as if I was in a dream. Which is why it was totally acceptable that Kate would appear in front of me.
My body froze. Kaitlyn, my Kaitlyn, was standing in front of me, her caramel eyes shining with warmth and love for me. She was floating in the air, an intricate white dress draped around her slight frame, her blonde hair billowing around the air. I inhaled a shocked breathe.

"Katie? Is that really you?" I gasped. My Katie has come back to me. Kate smiled adoringly at me, and curled her fingers, beckoning me to follow her.

Now, in the back of my mind I know that there was absolutely no way in hell that this is possible. She's dead. As dead as a doornail. Her apparition is nothing but a sick motherfucking illusion drudged up but my fucked up brain.

But of course, I followed Kaitlyn.

You do have to understand that I cannot help it. Like I said, depersonalization is a bitch. A pain in the ass. You have absolutely no control over anything that is happening to your body and you are literally living in a dream like trance.

I followed Kate as she floated down the pavement, and she turned into an alley. I followed mutely as she ghosted towards a dead end.
Kate fell when she reached the wall. My body automatically jerked forward to help her up. But Kate was already picking herself up. She let out a feral growl and whipped around to face me. I immediately leap backwards, fear painting my expression. This was not the beautiful Katie of before. Her eyes were bloodshot, with blood dripping from the corners of her eyes, nose and mouth. Half her faced was savagely scratched, with fresh blood gushing out from that wound. Her mouth was twisted in a grimace, her eyes shining with shock, pain, and hatred.

Her pure white gown was now tattered and dirty, and a vivid blood red.

Blood Red.

Blood.

Her Blood.

Kate loomed before me and shoved me onto the floor, and I landed painfully on my ass. Her mangled body in front of me, and began to scream.

"This is all your fault, Edward Cullen!" she screeched, jabbing a bloody finger at me.

I looked down. She was right. It was my fault. My fault that she had died a gruesome death.

"I know, K, I know. I'm sorry." I apologized, guilt lacing my words.

"Shut up, you motherfucker! You have no right to call me K! No rights at all!" She spat at me, her eyes ablaze with fury.

"I…" I tried to say something, but Kate cut me off.

"I'm sorry?" she taunted, her voice a perfect mockery of mine. "I'm SORRY? You killed me! You have no right to be sorry! I will never forgive you for this!"

"Please K, please forgive me! You have forgiven everyone who has done you wrong. Why can't you forgive me?" I plead, forgoing my pride by now. All I need is your forgiveness, and at last, I shall be more at peace with myself.

She hurled the ultimatum at me. "The only forgiveness you'll ever deserve is if you were rotting in the ground next to me." Kate hissed coldly.

All these years, I was hoping that wherever she is in heaven, she would forgive me for my mistake, for my stupid jealousy. Every single day, every single day of the past two years, eleven months and twenty days I have been praying, praying that she could forgive me for my oversight, if she had indeed rest in peace. Every single day of the past two years, eleven months and twenty days I have had nightmares every night, replaying the scene of her death over and over again. I sucked it up, knowing that maybe if this went on for the rest of my life, she would eventually forgive me.

But hearing Kate say that she would never forgive me, my heart completely shattered.

She would never forgive me! My heart cried.

Katie smirked down at me, the blood on her face contorting her face to give her a sinister look, like a killer clown. She squatted in front of me, and stroked my face with a finger. It left a bloody trail of heat down my right cheek.

"Such a pretty face. Too bad you have to die to pay your debts." Kate cooed, as she stood back up to glare at me.

This was not Kaitlyn. This was not my Katie. This must be a bad dream.

Bad dream my ass. This was a walking nightmare.

She began stalking towards me, a feral growl rumbling from deep within her chest. Her well manicured petite hands were now grotesque claws that ached and craved for my blood, my death.

"You took away everything I had, Edward Cullen! You took away my future, OUR future. You took my happiness, my job, my family, my friends, my life!" I begged myself to step backwards, to retreat against her prowling form, but once again my body would not listen. Could not listen.

"…Are you satisfied, huh, are you? I could have been a photographer, a well known photographer! I could have lived my dreams with you, beside your dream to be a lawyer." She stepped closer, her piercing eyes turning the darkest of blood reds as they bore into mine.

"…But what did I get? Death! Death at twenty-two! Everything I had, could have had and will have all ripped away from me!" Her hand raised and pressed firmly against my cheek. I gasped feeling a sensation I had never felt before purge through my skin, through my blood – death.

"…It's all your fault! Why, why couldn't you have just listened to my explanation then? Why couldn't you have just believed me? WHY?" Her voice exculpated into a magnitude that would shatter wine glasses, which would scare away any banshee in sight.

By the end of Kate's rant, she had gone positively mental. She turned and leap towards the wall at the far end. As she shrieked and pulled at her hair, I felt my body become resigned to the fact that I was about to die, but at least I would die at the hands of the girl I loved.

"I'm sorry I failed you, K. We were in love. We were about to be married. I'm sorry I killed you, K." I whispered before I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

Facing death wasn't how I expected it to be; there was no stabbing pain, no urgency to beg for my life. There was nothing. A calm deep feeling blanketed over my body and took away my fears of pain and guilt.

This was a strange feeling for me, I felt calm and free. There was no shattering of my heart at every breath I took, there was no deep void that I wanted to plummet my undeserving self into. It was peace.

I knew what this feeling was, the calm before the storm.

It was the last happiness before being sent to the chair, your last meal, your last bit of happiness, the last feeling you wish you could hold onto and beg for it to stay with you.

But I shall take it. I know I deserved it. The only forgiveness you'll ever deserve is if you were rotting in the ground next to me… Kate's words rang over and over again in my head. Well, if dying was the only way to get her forgiveness, then so be it.

However, life doesn't always go the way you want it.

An unknown force settled around me, fluttering about trying to get me to open my eyes. I peeked out from under my lashes and saw Katie begin the agonizingly slow walk to mark my death. But what caught my attention wasn't the blood lust on her face, but instead an aura, encased in the purest glow of life ever possible.

I immediately shrunk back. No life so pretty and pure would allow me to see it, no, not after the Sin I have committed. I should be locking eyes with Satan, or perhaps chilling with Hades in the Field Of Punishment, enduring eternity of torture.

But... But what if God is showing me a sliver of pity, throwing me a line for salvation? Is it a sign that I might do good, make up for my past mistake to find myself in heaven, instead of hell? Or maybe, is this a sign telling me that I haven't exactly done wrong, that maybe it was just a careless mistake on my part that ultimately lead to an unpardonable mistake.

No. I don't believe this. This is just a little joke at my expense. There is no way that I would be going to heaven after what I've done. This is just a sick joke, a mockery, a test to see if I was naive enough to believe that god would have mercy on such a vile beast as me. And I had fallen headlong into the trap set up to ensnarl me.

These pesky upper beings must be rolling on the floor laughing. They had gotten through with their joke. I had fallen pray to it. I had let a silver of hope enter my thoughts, believed for a second that I was worth the space in heaven. But I couldn't blame them for laughing.

I wasn't worthy.

I'm not worthy.

I'll never be worthy.

The self realization of how much a wasted space I was in this world made accepting my death easier. No one would mourn for me. I had killed the love of my life. I had no friends. My family probably detest my guts. The only thing I have left is a stupid law job, my apartment and Lucky.

My heart clenched, then broke at the thought of Lucky. He has been my constant companion through these four years, helping me through Kate's death, through her funeral. His presence in my life kept me breathing for another almost full three years, reminding me that another living thing depended upon me to feed him and generally keep him alive. Did he know that today was judgment day for me? Was that the reason why he was testy this morning, and when in the park, sprang forth to drag me to his "soul mate" and her owner, the authentically beautiful Isabella Swan? So that when I died, there might just be someone new to take care of him?

As my thoughts sprang to Bella, a new pain twisted in my chest, surprisingly near my heart. Bella, she was so kind, fun and loving, not to mention she was breathtakingly beautiful and young. She has her whole life ahead of her, and I will never be able to be her friend, to get to know her better, to understand her quirks and personality, to maybe fall for her someday...

Before I could continue wallowing in self pity, the aura was directly in front of my, sitting with me on the ground. Her warm delicate fingers gently stroked my chin till I lifted my head to look at her.

With a start, I realized it, no, the aura, I beg your pardon, looked startling like Bella. The expressive chocolate brown eyes, the pouty full red lips, the same heart shaped face, same long delicate lashes and the same sly and bashful smile gracing her perfect face, accentuated greatly by the cherry blush adorning her high cheek bones.

"Who… who… who are you, my lady?" I asked timidly, stuttering just a little. My parents had raised me to be always polite and gracious to a lady, and the aura definitely qualified as one.

"It's not your time, Edward, it's not your time." She thrilled in a melodic voice as clear as a bell. She gave me a look, one between sympathy and grace.

"I do not understand. What is not my time, my lady?" I asked, puzzled.

"It's not your time to die, my fair prince. God bless your soul, young man. You have a long, fruitful life ahead of you with the woman you will come to love. " The aura whispered. She patted my cheek tenderly, like I was worthy of tenderness. I was utterly lost.

What is she talking about?

"No, it's not possible! What do you mean? Please, explain yourself!" I cried desperately. I didn't care that I was probably very rude to her. I looked behind the aura. Kate was nearly upon me.

"Good luck, young man. You'll find the answer to your question in due time. May the gods bless and be with you to heal your troubled soul. " The aura whispered as she kissed my forehead and disappeared. It dawned upon me that she did not really answer my question.

It was right then when Kate pounced on me, her claws extended to rip my heart out. I had all but enough time to let out a scream before my soul was violently ripped from the horrid scene a nanosecond before Kate touched me.

The world spun sickeningly before going black...

I woke up with a pounding headache. I sat up and took stock of my surroundings.

I was in an alley.

I was alive.

Bella and Jasper were peering at me with frantic expressions.

"Edward? Edward? Are you alright?" Jasper spoke in a low voice.

Was I alright? I don't really think so, though. It was then that I realized with a jolt that I was back in the present.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I cleared my throat as I spoke.

I don't think I fooled any of them. They both shared a He-is-either-lying-or-he's-mental look. Which I was, admittedly, both.

"You were spaced out, before you started walking off. We followed you when we couldn't get a response out of you. What happened, Edward?" Bella spoke in a low voice, staring intently into my eyes.

I gulped. It would be hard to lie to her. She would think I'm crazy. Then she would run from me. So I told her the watered down version of the truth. Or at least, the supposed truth.

"I thought I saw someone. So I followed her. Turns out it was just my imagination. " I replied, forcing myself to maintain eye contact with her. I wasn't going to back down in fear. I needed to sell my version of the story to her, and losing eye contact would just ruin my case. That much I learnt from practicing law.

"And I trust that that someone must be Katie, right?" Bella asked again, a small smirk on her face.

I couldn't help but freeze. What does she know about Katie? My mind screamed. But I quickly composed myself before she noticed anything was wrong. Ha! I thought. By springing Katie's name as her trump card in making me speak would NOT work. I would make sure of that.

"My - my, Bella. How wrong you are. I mean, how complex is your brain working? Springing up random names of people and asking me if I know them? Or thought I saw? It's like your brain is on AM frequency, while the rest of the human population is on FM." I retorted innocently, hoping this little jab would rife her up enough so that she would be offended enough to leave my unspoken behavior alone for awhile or at the very least forget about it.

However, my intentions were not really served.

"Really, Eddie? Then I'm so sorry then. I guess I need to work more on figuring out the name of other people's ex-lovers then." Bella shot back with a batt of her eyelashes.

Minx.

She's a fucken Minx.

I sat up straight, miffed at being called Eddie. God, I hated that nickname. I was so bothered at that name that I almost missed hearing the end of her jab. Almost.

Bella smirked, and straightened up from her crouch. She held out a hand to me, cocking her head. An offer.

For the first time after the... accident, someone actually bothered, someone actually cared for me. I smiled, grateful, and grasped her tiny hand with mine.

What happened next was unintelligible. Electric waves shot up my arm and tingled all over my body when I touched Bella. I couldn't help but let out a gasp. It didn't hurt, and in fact, it was... pleasant.

A quick glance at Bella showed that she had felt the electricity too. I quickly let go of her hand and turned to face my left, only to find Jasper cocking his eyebrows at me.

I swear, if not for the fact that they told me they weren't siblings, I'd think they were.

I had a weird feeling about the two of them. There was something in their eyes that made me feel like they were dissecting me like a piece of meat. It was unnerving. Sure, they might not have had abandoned me and came after me when I had my "episode", and probably saving me from Katie's crutches, but the way they were staring at me... It was so weird. I couldn't place that look, bit yet is was vaguely familiar, like I have seen and experienced that intense scrutiny before somewhere.

I shook my head, pushing back the naggy suspicions for now. It could wait for later.

"So, are you okay enough to go grab lunch now?" Bella asked, her concern for me interlacing with her desire to eat.

'You can eat me any day.' I thought.

"Yea, I said I'm fine." I smiled at her.

She gave me a Cheshire cat grin before looping her arm between mine. Jasper already had his held out, so she took it and proceeded to dragging us back to the main road.

"C'mon! Time to fulfill out bet!" Bella chirped like a little kid. Jasper rolled his eyes at me and I couldn't help but smile back.

It was as if nothing had happened.

Important A/N! Please Read!

A/N: Phew! This is hands down the LONGEST chapter I have ever written. 9 pages on words! I know, I know that there are many other good writers that write like, 19 over, but hey, I'm a fledging writer. Show me some love *pout*

Anyway, before you all yell at me for messing up some stuff, my apologies to you if you are in the psychiatry profession, and if I might have offended anyone for writing Edward this way. Really sorry if I mess up anything. However, I want to point out that this is fanfiction, not fictional writing.

Well, I don't know how many people reading this are practicing Christians or Catholics, or any other religion that prays to God. I mean no disrespect for the overly use of the word God. You have to understand that Edward does not believe in anything, as he deems himself unworthy and he had lost his beloved K. So please don't pelt me with rotten tomatoes.

In response to people who thought that Edward's behavior is very strange in chapter 8, this chapter should have clearly given you the answer. Depersonalization is one of the symptoms of DID, which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. In short, Edward has mental health problems. Unfortunately, Depersonalization is not, and will not be, the only symptom Edward has. Poor Mentalward.

I am trying to work out a more frequent updating schedule. However, my school life is very busy as I have major exams coming up next year, on top of CCA and tuition and mandatory after school lessons, updating is rather impossible. So I seek your understanding in this issue. Alternatively, PM-ing me helps if you want my to work on it.

So there you have it! First part of the main story plot revealed! Woots! Honestly speaking, I wish that more people would review my story. Sigh. So, I'm hereby asking you guys for just 3 reviews. Just 3, though of course, more would be better, before I give you the next chapter. Sorry for having to do this, but you guys kinda forced my hand to it. Constructive criticism is welcomed. I also welcome any and all ideas or suggestion, so please, reviews! Just press that little button and type a couple words, wont ya?

See you next chapter! (After my at least 3 reviews!)

xoxo
Tammy ;)

Ps: Check out my other story, Twilight Diaries, and my collection of one shots, 51 Things. I also have a poll up on which country Edward should have a house in. Your poll results determine what happens next in THIS story! So POLL!