A/N: When I realised I hadn't done 'funny' with Donna yet for her '5 Things', I just knew I had to after seeing 'Fault Lines'. Nothing really of a spoilery nature if you haven't seen that episode, but it helps if you have. Hope you enjoy.

Five Things That Never Happened to Donna Sabine

You Can't Word Associate That…

The lie detector test machines that Dr. Larry 'Team-Breaker' Toth had carried into one of the SRU headquarters' briefing rooms had seen a lot of action over the years he'd owned them. He scorned the modern, digital lie-detector technology, asserting they lacked a certain charm.

Toth would never admit it to anyone, but he had bestowed a nickname upon his old, trusty companions: "The Whopper Twins".

Donna Sabine was presently attached to one of the 'twins'; observing the evaluation was Sergeant Greg Parker, who was hooked to the other 'twin'.

Dr. Toth now smiled benignly at his 'test subject', projecting what he privately referred to as his 'avuncular' persona.

"Okay, Donna," he began almost kindly, "I'd like you to tell me three truths and one lie; in that order."

In his experience as a military psychologist, Toth knew that most people would list name, rank, serial number, and then something totally unrelated; often something they claimed they liked, but obviously didn't, or vice versa. Cops followed a similar pattern too, he noted, usually listing off their name, occupation, some other personal detail, and then the asked-for untruth.

He expected Donna Sabine's responses to be no different.

"My name is Donna Sabine," the constable started, just as Toth figured she would.

"Go on," he encouraged, when she seemed to pause for a moment longer than he thought necessary.

"Umm…I like taking items out of other people's shopping carts at the Safeway when they're not looking… My last screening for dementia came back negative, and I always vote for the most good-looking politician in federal, provincial and civic elections."

"Uh, thank you," Toth said grudgingly, somewhat put off by her unusual choice in answers, "we have a baseline."

"Cool," Donna said with a small smile. "Does that mean I passed?"

"No, it just means I know – oh, you were being facetious," Toth commented dryly. "Now, we're going to do some word-association: say the first word that comes to your mind; no thinking."

"Saying the first thing that comes to my mind implies I've got to think first before I can say something back to you, Doc," Donna said, without any hint of guile.

Toth didn't flinch. "Just no deep thinking; I want rapid-fire responses, okay? 'Airport'."

"Airport."

"Don't repeat the word I said; I want you to associate something with it," Toth snapped.

"I did," Donna said. "When you said 'airport', I decided you must have been thinking about Pearson International Airport, so I associated that with Hamilton International Airport, so that's why I said 'airport', too."

Toth decided not to contradict her and moved on. "Vice."

"Spell it."

"What?"

"Well, I don't know which one you mean."

"Whichever one first came to mind!" Toth said with a frown.

"Now you're forcing me to think, Dr. Toth. You could mean 'vice' as in an immoral, habitual act; 'vice', as in that grippy tool thingamajig; 'Vice' as in the area of law enforcement; vice-president-"

"Okay, stop-"

"Red."

"No, I mean stop!" Toth held up a hand.

"And I meant 'red', as in the colour, not the past tense of the present act of reading," Donna said, pantomiming opening a novel and scanning text.

"Constable Sabine, be quiet!"

"Am I supposed to word-associate that?" Donna whispered to Sergeant Greg Parker.

"You don't get points for trying to be glib, Constable Sabine," Toth growled in annoyance. "Now, I'm going to ignore that little false start there and begin this phase of the evaluation again, with the warning that I have the authority to remove you from duty on Team One if you fail to pass this evaluation to my satisfaction."

"Good to know," Donna replied airily.

"Clear?" Toth asked, fixing her with a steely gaze.

"Noxzema."

Toth groaned. "I didn't want you to word-associate that!"

"I wasn't," Donna said with a hint of irritation. "You asked: 'Clear?', and I said: 'Noxzema', as in the brand of acne cream."

"I know what it is! You were word-associating!"

"No, I wasn't," Donna insisted. "See, most people answer 'crystal', as in 'crystal clear' when they're asked 'are we clear'. I always answer with 'Noxzema'."

Toth's smile was mirthless. "Mmm, I see, a little personal joke, eh?"

"I knew you'd understand," Sabine replied with a wink. "I hoped you would, being a psychologist and all…"

Toth expelled a lungful of air and narrowed his eyes. "Constable Sabine, your lack of cooperation throughout this entire exercise has left me with no choice. From the very beginning, I had doubts about your suitability for this unit due to your continued inability to follow orders while in the field, and your behaviour here only solidifies my impression of you as a maverick and a loose cannon."

"'Maverick'?" Donna appeared hurt. "Are you comparing me to Sarah Palin? You know, if she were a Canadian politician, I wouldn't have voted for her, even if people think she's good-looking..."

Toth pointedly ignored her. "Constable Sabine," he broke in, "I hereby recommend that you be removed from active duty on Team One, immediately."

The military psychologist was writing furiously on the official forms, his face showing he was clearly aggravated and infuriated by the whole process.

"If we're done, may I take off this blood pressure cuff and these breathing and heart-rate monitor thingies?" Donna asked.

"Fine," Toth grumbled distractedly.

"Thanks," she breathed in relief. "It was starting to feel really uncomfortable…"

She began removing the cuff and peeled off the strips around her fingers while Greg did the same.

"Sergeant Parker," Toth grunted through clenched teeth, as he stood up to leave, "I don't know how you managed to keep Team One from committing acts of gross incompetence on calls. All I can say is that it was plain dumb luck with all the fault lines running through it."

Greg simply kept his peace and let the psychologist finish his rant.

"Anyway, after today," Toth said, glaring once again at Donna, "there will for sure be one less person for the public to worry about who might screw up on Team One."

Toth collected the paper rolls with the lie detector's ink scrawl and snapped 'The Whopper Twins' shut. He picked them up, hit the button to raise the briefing room blast door, and stalked out of the briefing room without looking back.

Greg rose quietly and hit the button to lower the door once more. It hit the floor, sealing the room and rendering it sound-proof.

Greg turned to look at Donna, and after a beat of silence, both broke into howls of side-splitting laughter.

"Man, I hate that guy," Greg eventually managed to say, almost sobbing through the effort of trying to control himself. "Thanks for helping us out with a little revenge scheme on such short notice, Donna. Submitting your file to him last minute was a gamble, but…"

"Oh, my pleasure, Greg. That was fun," Donna sighed as she wiped away a tear. "It's a good thing Toth didn't know that I haven't been with Team One in over a year and that I re-qualified with Team Three last month…"

A/N: If you're on Facebook, make sure you join up with the Flashpoint Team One page, as it is run by the producers of the show. It's the place to be for Flashpoint fans.