"I'm in love, alright, with my crazy beautiful life, with the parties, the disasters, with my friends all pretty and plastered." - Crazy Beautiful Life, Ke$ha

Twenty-One Forever - Chapter Six

Saturday, December 31st - 9:01 a.m.

"I'm married?"

Johnny covered his mouth to stifle his laugh. "Oh, shit."

"To who?"

"Definitely not Phoebe," Helga muttered as her eye traveled around the shop. The walls were covered in black tattoo designs, pictures of people getting tattoos, and on the ceiling was a large black hawk silhouette.

Gerald glared at Helga before flashing off his middle finger.

Black Hawk pointed to the left, "She works down the street at the strip club."

"Definitely not Phoebe," Helga announced a little bit louder.

"I will fucking kill you unless you shut up," Gerald hissed. Helga bit back laughter before turning to Johnny and cracking up. Gerald turned back to Black Hawk, "Can you tell me anything else?"

The bald man nodded, smiling, "Yeah, her name's Erin. She kept yelling, 'I'm Mrs. Erin Johannsen, bitches!'"

Gerald covered his mouth, trying to hide the fact that his jaw had been hanging open the entire time. Yeah, he was definitely going to puke again.

"Did we have a kid with us last night?" Johnny asked.

"No. . .no kid. You all walked in here, stumbling around like idiots. You were really fucked up. I thought you guys were on drugs or something. I have never seen people as fucked up as you guys, and I'm a tattoo artist in Times Square!"

Helga saluted him, "Well. . .thanks for all your help, Black Hawk. And one more thing?"

"Yeah," he responded gruffly as he rose to his feet.

"Did you happen to see how we left?"

Black Hawk started laughing hysterically as the memory replayed in his mind. "You guys jacked Justin Beiber's taxi."

Saturday, December 31st - 3:37 a.m.

"Guys, guys, look! It's Justice Beaver!" Johnny exclaimed, words slurred beyond recognition. He continued to squeal like a little girl as he slammed on the windows of the taxi resting in midnight traffic. Disoriented and sore, Erin, Gerald, Arnold and Helga piled in, thinking Johnny had stopped it for them.

But Johnny quickly disappeared in the opposite direction, screaming and telling the taxi to wait for him. No one could hear or understand him.

At first Justin was freaked out, thinking it was crazed fans coming to attack him, but when he noticed the idiot banging on the front couldn't even stand he figured he could cut the drunk assholes a break.

Gerald climbed over the stunned Justin Beiber's lap and rested his head against the window, laughing as Erin settled on his lap. Justin then became squished between the couples as Arnold and Helga sat on his right side. The four adults began to holler and cheer while drinking back more alcohol.

"Here, Justin, drink this!" Helga exclaimed, being the most coherent of the group. She handed him an open bottle of beer.

"I'm only seventeen," he replied, awkwardly trying to shift farther away from the bottle.

"No one will tell, will we? Besides, you're going to your hotel. It won't kill you!"

Justin, against his better instincts, grabbed the beer and chugged half of it in one gulp. He burped after feeling the foam settle in his throat. "Nasty."

"Try this instead!" Erin replied, slipping her bottle of Vodka that was wrapped in a brown paper bag onto his lap. Justin shrugged and took a large gulp.

"Not too much!" Gerald warned, tipping the bottle away from Justin's lips.

"Shit, that burns!"

Helga laughed, "No duh, pop star! It's Vodka!"

"Where are we going?" Erin whispered in Justin's ear. He suddenly felt very fluid, like his movements were in water. He laughed and shook his head, messing up his hair, "My hotel. We're flying to the Hamptons!"

"Sweet! Can we come?" Johnny begged. Helga screamed and looked out the window to see Johnny riding a stolen NYPD horse.

"HELL YEAH!" Justin screamed as the taxi came to a complete stop in front of the Four Seasons. Johnny quickly galloped around the taxi and took the keys from the driver before kicking him out of the car, saying that the valet would take care of it. A valet man quickly took the taxi away, leaving a stunned driver on the ground.

Erin kissed Gerald deeply before saying she had to go to work. Before walking away, Gerald slapped her ass and winked.

After sneaking a horse into the room by taking the service elevator, the four drunk adults and underage pop star headed to the roof. Justin removed his room key and slipped it into the elevator slot, accessing the suite floors. He was feeling very jittery and excited, even more than taking the stage at Madison Square Garden just a few hours ago. His manager let him go "wild" and booked a weekend for him at a Hamptons rental house. He was in desperate need of relaxation, and he felt as if fate was dealing him some solid cards by dropping off four drunks in his lap.

"We're gonna take a helicopter!" Justin sang as Helga passed him another beer. "Don't hurt yourself, Beibs, we've got a long night ahead of us."

Saturday, December 31st - 9:30 a.m.

As the three stepped out into the sunlight, Gerald collapsed against the ground. He began counting on his fingers, "I'm married to a stripper. I can't find my best friend and I corrupted Justin Beiber. This day could not get any worse." Johnny picked Gerald up off the ground and shoved him into the back seat next to Caroline. Helga started the taxi and began driving through Times Square.

She passed a corner, but came to screeching halt when The Naked Cowboy impaled himself onto the hood of the car, jabbing the decal on his stomach. Caroline began screaming and crying at the sudden stop and loud crash the man's body made. Gerald tried to comfort her, but it wasn't enough.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Helga screeched as the man returned to his feet uninjured. She immediately put on her emergency flashers and watched, terrified out of her mind, as other cars whizzed past.

"Hey Helga! Nice wheels!" The man tipped his cowboy hat at her before lowering himself to the window, "I need to warn you, someone's chasing you down."

Gerald continued trying to calm Caroline down instead of paying attention to the almost naked man leaning into the car.

"Am I stoned right now or is this actually happening?" Johnny asked as he held onto the dashboard of the taxi.

The Naked Cowboy continued to strum his guitar, "You guys got in some fucked up shit last night. After the strip club and bar, everything went nuts! They saw us together and came after me."

"Oh my god, this is actually happening," Johnny declared to no one.

The Naked Cowboy glanced into the backseat to see Gerald staring at him with a puzzled expression. Helga was wearing the same one. "Seriously, you guys don't remember anything?"

"No. How the fuck do I know you?" Helga screamed.

"Arnold and I did body shots off you at the strip club! I had your neck, he had your bellybutton!" He laughed, "Then you guys invited me to the wedding."

"Where was the wedding?" Helga asked, knuckles turning white as she clutched the steering wheel.

"A Little Chapel, about ten minutes east of here."

Helga quickly wrote that down on her napkin, mind whirling as she tried to figure this out. She was still too hungover to think this much. "And you were with us the entire night?"

"No, I left after the wedding. You guys wanted tattoos."

She felt like she was interrogating the poor guy. "What time was this at?"

The man shrugged, "The wedding ended around 1:30."

"What bar?" Gerald asked.

"Underground, just a few blocks away," he waved them in the right direction.

"Thanks Naked Cowboy dude," Johnny said as Helga tried to merge back into traffic. Once they were driving away, Johnny smiled, "He was nice, I liked him."

Gerald rolled his eyes.

A few minutes later, Helga pulled over into the parking lot of A Little Chapel, trying her hardest not to burst into laughter at the idea of Gerald marrying a stripper here.

9:54 a.m.

"Hello?" Johnny asked as he peeked his head through the door. He was met with a dark hallway adorned in plastic flowers and multiple fake backdrops. "Do you do weddings here?"

A tall, tanned Italian man stepped out from behind the counter at the end of the hall and hugged Johnny. Johnny smiled and hugged the man back, laughing as he received less enthusiastic hugs from Helga and Gerald. The stranger was less than appealing, wearing a stained white tank top, sagging jeans and holding the end of a cigarette in his mouth. His thick black hair was slicked down and he wore sunglasses.

The man seemed deeply offended, speaking with a thick Italian accent, "What's wrong? Do you not remember your old pal Donny?"

"No, I'm sorry, I don't."

Donny wrapped his arm around Gerald's shoulder and squeezed, "Well I could never forget you! You are one sick mother fucker! I have never seen someone so crazy before!"

"Me?" Gerald asked incredulously, "Really?"

"Yeah. All of you were nuts! Here," he directed them to a counter, smirking as he pulled out a photo album. Standing on either side of Gerald and Erin was Helga, Johnny, Arnold and The Naked Cowboy.

"Damn, Gerald," Johnny let out a low whistle. "She's hot." Erin was wearing a strapless, short cut pink dress and bright neon pink platform heels. Together they were paired with spray-tanned skin and long, beautifully curved legs. Her red hair fell down her body in curls, stopping around her thin waist. She had sky blue eyes and large pink lips.

"Not the point!" Gerald screamed and shut the book forcefully.

Helga stepped up to the counter, "You do annulments?"

Donny nodded, "It breaks my heart, but I do. I take it your friend wants one, but before we can do anything we need both parties."

"Yeah, we can get her in here. We know where she works."

Gerald returned to the counter, "Do you happen to have her home address? She had to fill out a form or something, right?"

Donny nodded as he rifled through a stack of papers on his desk. Helga quickly wrote down the address on the napkin. "Thank you so much Donny. We'll see you later!"

"Have fun you crazy fuckin' animals!" Donny yelled back.

10:12 a.m.

The group returned to the taxi, Gerald smiling brightly at Caroline from the window. She jumped up and down and stuck her hand through the crack in the glass, giggling. Helga started the car and waited for Gerald to get her buckled.

"This is fucked up," Gerald moaned and held his head. His ears seemed to be ringing from stress.

Johnny poked Gerald through the glass separating passenger from taxi driver. "Your phone's ringing! It's probably Phoebe!"

"Sh! Everyone shhhh!" Gerald hissed as he pressed 'TALK', even though no one else had been speaking. "Hey, babe, what's up?"

"You sound really freaked, are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah, just a little tired from babysitting Helga and Arnold last night. They had a pretty good night."

"I can only imagine, if those body shots they did earlier were any indication."

And that's when a rock crushed in the roof of the taxi.

"Holy fucking shit!" Johnny screamed, the noise immediately followed by Caroline crying again.

"What was that?. . .Is that a baby crying? Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah, fine, we just gotta go," he shouted, "We're spending the afternoon with Johnny's friends! OkayIloveyoubye." He quickly hung up and jumped out of the taxi, relieved to see that Helga was holding Caroline. She stopped crying, her pale freckled cheeks red and streaked with tears and innocent, sky blue eyes clouded with fear.

Gerald gently patted her light brunette curls, "This kid is going to have so much emotional trauma when she's older."

"We still have to get her home," Johnny whispered.

A voice screamed as another rock flew towards the three, "WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Seconds later two large bouncers ran from a car, growling and screaming.

"Shit, shit, Helga!" Gerald screamed before removing Caroline from her arms and shielding her with his body.

"Where is he?" the giant demanded, cracking his knuckles. Helga cowered slightly before straightening.

"I think we're looking for the same guy."

"Where is he?" the man demanded again, removing a gun from his pocket. He quickly cocked it and Johnny screamed.

"HE'S GOT A GUN!"

"I know!" Helga screamed before turning to the man, "We don't know! We're out looking for him!"

Donny quickly appeared in the doorway of his chapel, "Get the fuck out of here, scumbags!"

"In a minute!" the other man yelled.

Helga began pleading, "Look, we'll come back here later with him, alright? Is that okay?"

The men seemed satisfied with that answer, "5 o'clock. Be here."

"Got it!" Helga nodded before turning the taxi back on and driving away.

Gerald's phone rang again, and he was about to answer, until Helga glared at him, "Why don't you just let that one go to voicemail," she demanded.

Gerald nodded and silenced his phone, "Ha ha ha. That's a fake laugh by the way!"

10:30 a.m.

"Shh, this is it! Apartment G4," Gerald sighed as Helga knocked. A second later, the door opened to reveal Erin, in all her stripper glory, talking on the phone.

"Thank God, she's with her father. I was freaking out!" She picked Caroline up off the ground, "I missed you sweetie." Her voice suddenly dropped to a more seductive tone, "And I missed you." Erin promptly forced her tongue into Gerald's mouth, stunning him for a moment. When he had enough mind to pull back, Erin smiled. "What the hell happened to you guys? I woke up to get you all coffee, and when I came back you were gone!"

"We were hoping you could tell us what happened," Helga smiled.

She then lead the three into the small apartment. Johnny immediately collapsed onto the couch, forcing Helga and Gerald to do the same. Gerald was very tense and anxious to be here. He couldn't imagine what Phoebe would say if she ever found out -

"Dude, relax, she's hot. Be proud of yourself," Johnny whispered.

"Shut the fuck up, man! As pissed as I am for Gerald at getting married while he's dating my best friend, I can't really blame him. We were fucked out of our minds last night. We can't even remember what happened to Arnold, so really this isn't our fault. I know Gerald would never even look at another girl sober."

Gerald let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

Helga leaned back when Mrs. Johannsen returned, "Listen, Erin. . .it's Erin, right?"

"Very funny, Helga," she teased as she sat down in the chair across from them.

"Right, Erin, do you remember our friend Arnold?"

"Of course! He was the best man at our wedding!"

Helga nodded, "We can't find him and we were wondering if you knew anything."

"Oh my God, that is classic Arnold!" She laughed, "But I haven't seen him since our wedding." Helga nodded and removed the napkin from her purse, realizing she had already written down WEDDING END 1:30.

"Can you tell us anything else?"

"I came to you guys at the hotel after my shift around 6:30 with Caroline and the entire place was a complete wreck. I snuggled up to Gerald," she winked and Gerald bit his lip, "and sent Caroline to bed."

"Great, this really -"

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!" Erin released an ear-shattering scream as Helga, Gerald and Johnny threw their hands into the air. "You're under arrest for stealing a cop's transportation!"

11:01 a.m.

Helga, Gerald and Johnny reclined in the cold metal chairs of the interrogation room. They had been waiting for five minutes in unnerving silence until two short male cops entered the room. They looked identical with their slim shoulders and petite body frames, but the one of the left had a long, blond mustache. Both removed their aviator sunglasses simultaneously. Helga held back her snicker.

"We picked up a car this morning in the middle of Times Square," the cop on the right began as he removed a note from a file, "'No meter. Here's two bucks.'" Johnny laughed, which earned him a glare from both cops.

"Where is the car?" Helga asked.

"At impound. You'll get it back when you get freed."

It was silent for a minute as Johnny looked around the room. There was a small window near the ceiling with bars on it, a lonely lamp hanging over head, and a two-way mirror on the opposite wall. Not a very exciting place to be. "Why are were here?"

"You stole my horse," the cop on the left said.

"Yeah, about that - " Johnny began.

"Silence!" Mustache Cop yelled. "We're getting you into the court on Monday, after the weekend and New Year's."

"We have a flight to catch at seven!" Gerald protested.

"Well too bad!" he teased.

Gerald rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, propping his feet up on the table.

Helga stared at him, eyes wide, until an idea popped into her head. "I'd be embarrassed if I were you."

"Excuse me?" the cop on the right asked.

Gerald brought his feet back down, crashing the chair onto the floor with a loud slam! Helga continued explaining, "I'd be embarrassed that a drunken idiot, like Johnny over there, stole one of New York Police Department's horses. It's be a shame for someone to find out about the tragedy, thus removing all credibility of the force." Helga cocked her head to the side in a threatening manner, "And on New Year's too. . ."

Mustache Cop groaned, "She's right. Look, we'll let you go. . .just as long as I get my horse back by 2 this afternoon."

"Alright," Gerald nodded.

11:15 a.m.

"That was way easier than expected," Helga laughed as she revved the engine of their "car." Somehow the three ended up in the possession of a yellow 2011 Chevy Camero.

"We're in Bumblebee!" Johnny exclaimed happily, admiring the blue racing stripes through the dashboard.

"Focus, dude. We need to find Arnold! Look around for clues."

Johnny quickly sorted through the glove compartment, only to see insurance and registration forms.

"I found a shoe!" Gerald exclaimed, tossing it into the front. Johnny's nose crinkled in disgust, "It's a men's size seven."

"That's no help," Helga mumbled as she turned the corner, bringing the group onto an unfamiliar road.

"Helga, where are we?" Johnny asked.

She glanced down at the map he had splayed out, "I took a left from the impound lot. I thought I was going the-"

The road suddenly changed from a flat asphalt to a bumpy dirt road. Helga screeched and slammed on the breaks, finally looking at her surroundings. They were in an empty lot between two apartment buildings, clearly miles away from Manhattan.

"Let's think for a minute. Where would he be?" It was silent for a minute as they all tried, and failed, to remember what happened to Arnold.

Bump! bump!

"THE TRUNK!" the three screamed simultaneously, Helga quickly removing the keys and fumbling with the lock. "Come on! Open it! Open it!" Gerald begged, leaning over the unopened back.

And that's when a small naked Asian man jumped from the trunk and onto Helga's shoulders. The man began pounding on Helga's back with a large crowbar, screaming and grunting. He hit the back of Helga's legs, beat her entire back and returned to the ground just in time to deliver one harsh strike to Gerald's groin. As Gerald bent over, the man smacked Gerald on the collapsed to the ground and moaned in pain, unable to move.

Helga stood by in shock, only to fall face first into the ground when the man smacked the bar into her chin.

"You gonna fuck on me?" he asked Johnny, twirling his crowbar between his hands.

"No! No! Nobody's gonna fuck on you," Johnny begged, "I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. . .I'll find you some pants!"

The man lurched forwards and knocked the crowbar into Johnny's legs before taking off down a side alley. Collapsing against the car, Johnny sat beside Helga.

Gerald held his stomach and tried to crawl over to the two, whining, "I have internal bleeding. Call 911."

Helga rolled her neck, trying to get the numbing pain out of her jaw, "That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy? He was so mean!"

"Guys, I have a confession to make," Johnny whispered as he covered his eyes with his hands.

Helga looked up from the ground, "What?"

"Last night on the shelves, before we went out, I slipped something in our Tequila."

"What?" Helga shrieked. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be.

"I'm sorry. I fudged up you guys."

"You drugged us?" Gerald hissed.

"No, I didn't drug you. I was told it was ecstasy!"

Helga sat up straighter against the car, "Who told you that?"

"The drug dealer. He seemed like such a good guy."

"Why would you do that?" Gerald asked.

Johnny shifted under Gerald's intense stare, "I wanted us to have a good time. I had no idea that it wasn't ecstasy! There's no side effect of complete memory loss with ecstasy! I should know, I've done it for years."

Helga's ears began ringing as she remembered her Public Safety course she had to take her freshman year at NYU. "Oh, good God! Johnny, you gave us roofies!"

"No I did. . ." Johnny's voice trailed off as the realization donned on him. "Oh. Shit."

Gerald lunged forwards, "You gave us roofies! The Date Rape drug!"

"You think I knew that?" Johnny screamed.

Helga intervened, "Let's just calm down!"

"You calm down! He drugged us!" Gerald screamed, slamming his fists down to his sides, clearly fighting his urge to punch Johnny in the face. "Because of you I lost my best friend and married a whore!"

"How dare you? She's a nice lady!"

Gerald was on his feet again, clearly over the pain, "You are such a fucking moron!"

"Your language is offensive!"

"FUCK YOU!" Gerald screamed again, coming closer to Johnny. Helga jumped to her feet and pushed Gerald back, "Just calm down. Okay? At least it's not a stranger drugging us for who knows what."

Gerald sighed, "For all we know, our best friend Arnold is face down in a ditch somewhere with a meth head buttfucking his corpse!"

"That's highly unlikely," Johnny replied.

"It's true!" Gerald screamed.

"No, come on, guys. Let's get our shit together. We're not hungover now," Helga turned to the car, "we just need to go back to the hotel and regroup, maybe get some more coffee and think."

A/N: I wish I could say there was a reason I chose Justin Beiber. I don't have one besides the fact that just imagining a drunk Justin Beiber would be hilarious.